#337. The guy that screams "Jesus!!!" at concerts.

In defense of the guy that screams "Jesus" at concerts, this is in general a very difficult move to master. There is an art to it, a certain finesse that one must possess in order to successfully execute a concert scream that at once enlightens and amuses the crowd.

In my 32 years on this planet, I have only heard of one really good concert scream. A few years ago, my youngest brother Bennett went to see Wilco at the Fox in Atlanta. It's an old historic theater and is big, but still very intimate. Jeff Tweedy, a great songwriter and lead singer of Wilco, was under the mistaken impression that people had come to the concert to hear his rambling thoughts on politics. The crowd was growing agitated as the minutes piled up between songs while he dissected his views on red states and our economic stability. In the middle of one such monologue, he paused, creating what concert screamers call "the vacuum of silence." My brother, who is about 18% funnier than me, immediately yelled "PLAY MUSIC!"

I think that is genius. It wasn't about politics or Bush or Obama or anything else. It was a request for Wilco to do what we love, play music. In two words he summarized the collective thoughts and concerns of the crowd and because the Fox is small, Tweedy actually heard him. That is fantastic.

The guy that yells "Jesus" at concerts is a lot less fantastic.

I am not sure what motivates him to punctuate the end of every single Casting Crowns song with a battle cry of "JESUS!" Is it possible he believes he is adding to the performance? Is Casting Crowns on stage nodding to each other thinking, "It's going to be a good show tonight, we've got a really solid screamer in the audience?" Does he think that screaming is his spiritual gift? Does he scream in other situations in his life? Like in class, does he yell out "Algebra!!" Or when he is in line at the grocery store, does he yell out "Cereal!!"

I have so many questions, but unfortunately, the Jesus screamers are an elusive bunch. Hated for decades, they tend to keep to the shadows, nothing staying in one place. Like a cricket in your house that stops chirping the second you start looking for them, a Jesus screamer will stop screaming if you try to find/punch them at a concert. It's difficult to find one. Until I do, and am able to ask my questions, I thought it might be fun to suggest some other things they can yell:

1. "I don't know why people don't invite me to go to concerts with them!!"
One time on Seinfeld, Elaine discovered her boyfriend was a face painter for sporting events. She was horrified. That's how friends of the screamer feel. I think this should be something you admit up front in a friendship. "Hi, my name is Mark and I'm a Jesus screamer."

2. "I'm only doing this so I can get on the live CD they are recording right now."
Sound engineers have to hate this guy. Right in the middle of recording a Jeremy Camp live CD, should he be on this list by the way, some punk yells "JESUS!!!" Do you keep it on? Do you edit the song in such a way to delete this guy's antics?

3. "Freeeeddoommm!!!"
The Jesus screamer is not worried about being relevant and should not have a problem yelling something that is a not so subtle reference to a movie that came out 10 years ago.

4. "Everyone look at me, please, everyone look at me!!!"
A few months ago, at a hip restaurant called "Pure" in Atlanta, a guy showed up wearing horse ridding pants. They were those impossibly snug tan pants tucked into big black boots. I wish instead he would have just yelled "I ride horses! I am rich and do rich hobbies like horse riding! Ladies, I own a horse!" The Jesus scream feels like the same thing to me. Only now you want people to know you are spiritual.

5. "Read stuffchristianslike.net!!"
Self serving? Probably, but God likes this more than when you scream other things at concerts. I promise. OK, I don't know that for sure, but it would still be pretty delightful. I'm just saying.

6. "I put on for my city!!"
I think the Jesus screamer needs to expand his skills by adding some random rap phrases into the mix. Would it kill him to drop some Young Jeezy every now and then? Maybe he could yell, "They know I got that broccoli, so I keep that glock on me." (I, personally do not got that broccoli in case you were wondering.)

I wonder how Jesus feels about this. Is He up in heaven, playing 3 second games of Sudoku, thinking "Hey, thanks for the shout out!" I doubt it. I think when He hears that, He shrugs His head and then gives the Jesus screamer's car a flat tire in the stadium parking lot. With lightning of course.