I used to write advertising for a company that specialized in rental tuxedos. One of my jobs was to answer all the emails that people sent to a fictional girl called "Jenny." So on any given day I was emailing wedding advice to anxious would be brides about everything from what color cummerbunds would match a bridesmaid's dress to how to politely ask groomsmen to pay for their own tuxes.
The idea of me giving girls advice about color schemes and wedding dresses is absurd. I was horrible at that part of my job and I regret if you ever got some ridiculous email signed by "Jenny." That was me. I thought chocolate was going to be the new black and coral was darker than salmon. My bad.
But despite my woeful color schemes, I do think I can help you plan the ultimate Christian wedding. I've been in a few, I'm about to do one and over the last year you shared a lot of ideas about them. Plus, after "Surviving Church as a Single" became the biggest post ever on Stuff Christians Like I felt like the married readers needed some love too. Without further ado, I give you:
The Ultimate Christian Wedding Scorecard
1. You have someone read a Bible verse at your wedding. = +1 point for each verse
2. You have someone read 1 Corinthians 13, love is patient at your wedding = +2 points
3. You have someone read verses from Song of Solomon in the message version of the Bible and the verses sound vaguely like a Prince lyric and somehow include the phrase, "let's make out." = +3 points
4. The person you ask to read the verse is not a Christian and your primary purpose in asking them is that you hope that touching the Bible will rub off on them via osmosis. = +1 point
5. You do a unity candle. = +2 points
6. You weave three ribbons (representing you, your spouse and God) into a single strand that cannot be torn asunder. = +2 points
7. You refuse to hold a bachelor party because they're evil. = +1 point
8. You hold a bachelor party but call it a "guys that love Jesus golfing together party" = +3 points
9. The pastor that does your ceremony cracks a joke about sex = +3 points for every joke
10. You and your spouse take communion during the ceremony = +3 points
11. You and everyone at the wedding take communion during the ceremony = +4 points
12. You take a love offering during the ceremony = - 3 points
13. The pastor mentions the "don't let the sun go down on your anger" principle = + 1 point
14. You have a live bird of prey at the podium with you and your bride in order to symbolize the "mount up like eagles" Bible verse = +10 points
15. You receive a, "As for me and my house" plaque for a wedding gift = +1 point for each
16. You receive a Thomas Kinkade painting for a wedding gift = +1 point for each
17. You receive the first 15 volumes of the Left Behind book series in a commemorative wheelbarrow because the girth of that many books is physically staggering = +5 points
18. You don't have dancing at the reception because it's held in a church and that church doesn't approve of dancing and you miss your chance to dance, dance, dance the night away Jon Acuff. = -1 point
19. You have dancing at the reception and your grandmother gets on the floor and dances to Fergie's song "Fergilicious," Bennett Acuff (my little brother) = +1 million points
20. At any point during the ceremony a Shofar horn makes a cameo = + 1 point
21. The favor you give everyone is a Bible = +3 points
22. The Bibles are Gideon editions you stole from the hotel all the guests are staying at. = -4 points
23. Your pastor can't resist the temptation of a captive audience and ad libs the entire gospel message in the middle of your vows = +1 point
24. Your pastor asks you to take a seat for a minute so that people have room to come forward for the altar call. = +2 points
25. Your pastor mentions the phrase "covenant relationship" = + 2 points for each use
26. Your pastor tells the story of Adam and Eve = +3 points
27. Your pastor highlights the verses about "wives submitting to their husband" = +1 point
28. Your crazy aunt boos or hisses from the crowd when she hears this = - 2 points
29. The church you get married in lets you know upfront that they only allow "sacred music" and if you get married there you better expect the organ to be the main instrument used. = +3 points
0 – 10 Points = Not a big fan of God huh? Didn't feel like inviting Him to your wedding? Didn't think you could find a tux big enough for Him? Interesting.
11-20 Points = I don't want to call you "lukewarm" but it's possible you registered for gifts at that store, "I'm kind of a Christian."
21+ Points = Welcome to the big leagues. Your wedding is just like church except there's cake at the end. Onward Christian soldier.
How did you score? I hit over 30 because we got married at a conservative church in Atlanta.
How about you?
What other Christian wedding staples did I miss?
What did you do at your wedding or weddings you've been to?
FIRST POST!
ReplyDelete33 points.
Actually, there is a great shot of us doing the whole unity candle thing. My pastor always has the bride and groom blow out their own candle, as our single life "has just gone up in smoke." My wife nearly forgot to blow her out, and the photographer captured my expression at that moment...sorta halfway between confusion and confrontation. What a way to start married life, eh?
ReplyDeleteUsing a used unity candle where the wick won't light and the pastor takes my candle and guides my soon to be wife's candle together. - 67 points.
ReplyDeletethe youth/student pastor at my church, Brett, just got married, and actually the officiating pastor's message was really nice and short and beautiful...however when Brett got up to do his thank you's he kinda got carried away and did a 50 minute sermon...a little advice for the singles, a little advice for the marrieds, and then a sermon on how God should be your first love.
ReplyDeleteloved it!
should have done this one in late May -- for all of those June weddings, Jon..........
ReplyDeleteI, for one, want to see the video of grandma dancing to Fergielicious.....
Oh, you forgot foot washing! When a friend of mine got married, he washed his wife's feet during the ceremony. I thought it was lovely.
ReplyDeleteAs far as weddings go, chocolate has been an extremely popular color for bridesmaid dresses, because lots of people think black is too severe. So, good job there, "Jenny".
ReplyDeleteMy brother got married a few weeks ago. His wedding only scored a three. Poor guy. I guess I have to go email him and tell him he's not really a Christian.
8 Point. Though our wedding only had 30 guests...I did not add the part about no dance at the reception. It was a small wedding for pete's sake! LOL! We still have our unity candle!
ReplyDeleteOne wedding I went to it wasn't Fergie but instead "Baby got Back"
1 point for a Bible verse. Shouldn't we get points for writing our own vows, though? Those are much "more holy."
ReplyDeleteYou don't have booze at your wedding reception, partly because you don't drink, partly because no alcohol is allowed on church property and partly because funds are low and you want to convince as many heathen drunkards as possible not to RSVP so you don't have to feel guilty about not inviting them.
ReplyDeleteYour pastor uses the triangle illustration (Christ at the top, the two spouses at other corners) to illustrate a strong marriage) at least twice during pre-marital counseling and once during the ceremony.
You're afraid to play anything other than hymns during the processional because you don't want people thinking you hate God.
Yeah, I'm in the middle of planning a Super Mega Christian wedding.
Bah, unity candles are passe. What you do now is an empty cylinder. Three people pour differently-colored sand into the cylinder at once. Then you keep the full, mixed cylinder in a prominent spot in your house for all eternity. "You used a candle? Those just blow out, you know."
ReplyDeleteYour pastor highlights the verses about "wives submitting to their husband"
ReplyDelete...
Your crazy aunt boos or hisses from the crowd when she hears this
While I don't condone booing at a wedding, there are plenty of women who cringe at this verse because of the way it's been twisted and used to justify abuse (physical, psychological, and spiritual) and to squash women's efforts to use their gifts. It's interesting that this verse is so often used, but what isn't pointed out is that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and He DIED for the church - the ultimate act of submission. Submission goes both ways.
5 points....
ReplyDelete3 points for the cord of three strands....which people raved about for months.
2 for our Pastor cracking a sexy joke.
BUT we did skip alcohol at the wedding because some family members said they wouldn't come if there was any.
Anonymous @ 5:17 is right--the unity candle has largely been replaced by the container of sand. I've played quite a few weddings recently, and about half of them mixed different colors of sand instead of flames to symbolize coming together. Just don't use a cheap plastic heart or neon colored craft sand or, once you start having kids it will look like their summer carnival art project. (Although, the daughter of my old youth pastor probably got hers from free for advertising the youth group sand art fundraiser...)
ReplyDeleteYou manage to keep your composure (sort of) when your sister's soon to be husband says "With all my infections" instead of "With all my affection." +10 points
ReplyDeleteClassic...
I think the bird of prey should garner more points.
What about:
ReplyDelete"You are friends with the pastor who married you on facebook." (+3)
"But the pastor who married you makes fun of you on facebook for linking to this." (+1)
"...along with the pastor's son" (+2)
"...who had less points than you" (+4)
Too bad I just want to go to the Justice of the Peace and get married there. Or is that not a very Christian thing to do? :)
ReplyDeleteI am getting married next week and did not score well...
ReplyDelete+3 points for the Anberlin allusion
Agreeing with Charlotte at 4:37...feeling a little gypped that I don't get foot washing points. Only we did *both* bride and groom...nothing like trying to get your almost-husband's socks and shoes back on his wet feet in the midst of akward silence because the soloist finished the song early.
ReplyDeleteNo bonus points for playing the Twila Paris classic, "How Beautiful" ?
ReplyDeleteNo love for the slide show at the reception?
No bump for bridesmaid's dresses being modified so that they are neither spaghetti straps or strapless and therefore immodest?
My pastor, who I adore and named my son after, printed off every verse of the Bible that talked about marriage and family and made notes about it--I have the photos of my husband's best man holding this enormous stack of printer paper in front of him during the ceremony, which lasted over 45 minutes they tell me....I don't remember it being that long.
Of course, that was probably because I forgot to have my aunts come to the church early to set out the reception food, which left the groomsmen to do it; The first thing my husband said to me when I came down the aisle was, "You look beautiful! Ted made the fruit salad."
Once went to a wedding where there was a song after EVERY "event". After the bride walked down the aisle. After the preacher welcomed everyone. After the dad sat down. During the candle. After the sermon, after the vows. Oh yeah--and it was a wireless mic--and you could hear a NASCAR race through it the WHOLE TIME--every song. All TEN of them (which, of course, were all religious). Took over an hour. For a Baptist wedding.
ReplyDeleteMy wedding on the other hand--15 minutes flat. Longest part was the song during the candle. We just stood there and stared at each other, cause you know it takes 5 seconds to light a candle and 5 minutes to sing a song.
Any extra points for the groom saying "with this THING I thee wed" by accident?
I only scored 13. Does using a unity candle OUTSIDE in the WIND after a STORMY morning count as more points. :) Oh and do I get a million points for question #19 if my new aunt came dancing on the floor for a second during Cotton-eye Joe for, what we found out several months after the wedding, a battery that nearly everyone dancing in the circle could have slipped on? It's excruciating to watch now. lol.
ReplyDeleteI got a 7! Our wedding was so much fun :) not that "Christian weddings" can't be fun... ;)
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is thank God no one gave us a Thomas Kinkade painting. Wish I'd thought of the shofar. Almost everyone at our wedding was Jewish. My husband did step on a glass and shout La Chaim. Do we get points for incorporating that?
ReplyDeleteWow, I thought our wedding was super Christianly, but apparently I wasn’t using the right score card. All I get points for was the unity candle? I could cheat and take points for the lack of dancing, alcohol and bachelor/ette parties, but all of those were decisions based on other factors, not because they were “un-Christian.” Just consider me a Christian wedding failure. I hope God isn’t too disappointed, cuz I sure did try to honor Him with all of it.
ReplyDeleteOh, and too bad Fergalicious didn't come out until after our wedding. Since we're Fergusons, it would have been great...
an invitation to accept Christ during the ceremony.
ReplyDeleteNess- HILARIOUS!!!! and oh so romantic...
ReplyDeleteThe entire post was incredibly funny. At one wedding I went to, the pastor talked about his first marriage and why it didn't work. I was completely taken aback. Who talks about a "starter marriage" while performing a wedding? He did talk about his second wife and how that is a much better match, but the word "divorce" had already been spoken. -shudder- Some people take their moment in the spotlight a little too far.
Good news, the crappy ceremony hasn't cursed my friends' "first" marriage: they have been happily married for 8 years now.
I don't know how this got started or if they have it elsewhere, but among my people, the men DO have bachelor parties, but they are called "thunderstorms." I guess the idea is that, y'know, brides have "showers," men have, um... thunderstorms. I guess the lightning makes them manlier.
ReplyDeleteYour unity candle doesn't light because the wick had broken. Pastor whips out his pocketknife to dig out the wax around the wick. Longest unity candle lighting ever. +3 points. (Happened to us. We still laugh about it 25 years later.)
ReplyDeleteI easily got in the 20s. AND by the end of our reception there had been a techno rave to "sandstorm" and my conservative pastor dad was dancing to Ushers/Ludacris/Lil Johns "yeah." time of my life!!
ReplyDelete5 points. Frankly, I'm surprised we scored that high.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I eloped ... in our own church. There were a lot of reasons for this, but one of them was that we didn't want the standard Christian wedding. We'd been pondering a long time what happens when weddings become so large and excessive. It so often feels like the wedding becomes about the couple or moreso the bride rather than about God or the community. The egocentrism seems only to feed an already disturbingly self-centered culture.
On top of that, what happens afterward when you create something that spectacular? Can any marriage live up to the gradiosity of the wedding? There seems to be nowhere to go but down, and that could put such a strain on the relationship. Suddenly we have to live up to THAT?
Frankly, we just wanted a wedding that was focused on God and the fact that this was part of our lives both individually and together (strange as that sounds) and not something that was going to change everything and make our lives *wonderful* from now on.
But I guess we're strange that way.
0!
ReplyDeletethis Christian couple got a big fat 0!
I am officiating my first wedding this fall. Things are likely to go smoothly but I'm really looking forward to a no holds bared rehearsal.
ReplyDeleteOn that not, does anyone have access to the "Impressive Clergyman" robes from the Princess Bride?
This will be far from edifying but I laughed out loud when I read "mount like eagles." Mostly because I think it's a great euphemism.
ReplyDeleteYou burn your hand with the dripping wax while lighting the Unity candle. Photos of the blessed moment show you grimacing in pain. The video reveals you picking hardened wax off your hand and arm during the instrumental rendition of "Jesus, Name Above All Names." -5 points.
ReplyDeleteWhat about playing Steven Curtis Chapman's "I will be Here?"
ReplyDeleteMaybe that was just mid to late nineties.
Or playing "Butterfly Kisses" either during the wedding or reception.
We scored 17...Geez. Should I get more points for actually being in a Thomas Kincaide painting? Our wedding was on the porch of the house painted in "Sunday at Apple Hill" Corny but cool.
ReplyDeleteHilarious though. Can't wait for the book!
Nate
@soulformation - I think that's incredibly wise. If I marry, I would love to do the same thing, except I think it would actually break my father's heart into pieces if he didn't get to walk me down the aisle.
ReplyDeleteReally funny post.
ReplyDeleteIf, during the garter toss, the bride hands the groom a garter rather than allowing him to remove one from her leg [because seeing her leg might cause the single men to stumble]. (+2)
or, my personal favorite, the dance at the reception where the Emcee calls out all the singles to find a gender appropriate dance partner and "get to know someone new". (+5)
We had the pastor serve us communion and then we served the congregation as our first act of ministry together as a couple. IT was awesome.
ReplyDeleteI got 20 points. But I'll have to go back to the recording of the ceremony to remember some of the stuff the pastor preached on. Those were great! I think you could do a whole other set of points for Christian receptions. My entry for that would be... Held the reception at the church where at least one of you grew up so there were a bazillion people there and your caterer ran out of punch so you had to toast with water! Oh yes... that was my reception.
ReplyDeleteAs long as I can substitute my grandma dancing to "Soulja Boy" instead of Fergie, I get one million and one points.
ReplyDeletewv: untards...I'm not touching that one.
Anonymous - Thank you. Who you may disappoint is something to seriously consider when not following through with the typical grand wedding. We didn't choose our path lightly and spent quite a lot of time talking and listening to God about it. God may have a different call to you, or he may not. That's part of the spiritual life - listening to him and following what he says is wisest for you. Not always an easy task, but a good one.
ReplyDeleteWe had no alcohol at the wedding so some of the guests went and found a liquor store near by. I kept noticing brown paper bags and people hanging out in the parking lot. I guess they had another "reception" outside.
ReplyDeleteWe had a unity candle, and that's pretty much it. I think I've gone to more weddings that used the sand instead though, so that's becoming far more passe in my opinion!
ReplyDeleteOh, the pastor may have read a Bible verse or two but honestly who remembers what's actually said?
I'm pretty sure our reception negates those points though, considering when we left half the guests were still there drinking, and headed to the bar afterward to continue. Our pastor and his wife danced for awhile too (ours was the only wedding I've witnessed them do this...we know how to party!)
Should also mention that my husband had a bachelor party, and I had a bachelorette party (mine was much crazier, if you can believe that. Probably because his friends are mostly married and well, whipped).
We are truly exemplary Christians.
We too had the sand unity analogy, except at the bottom of the vase we placed pretty stones representing God as the "foundation" of our marriage. And a nine minute slide show. :)
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite people ever had scripture read - IN HEBREW!!
ReplyDelete+5 points
How about points for some sort of Power Point presentation of the couple to Christian music, either before or during the ceremony?
ReplyDeleteI only got 2 points (Love that 1 Corinthians 13), but I think I should get points for having my sister sing a hymn while we signed our registry... especially because most of our guests weren't Christians, and the gospel message was clearly spelled out during the song.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're forgetting the trend of the "Parental Blessing", where the parents of the bride and groom get up and pray over the newlyweds with the laying on of hands and all that. We didn't do that, but I've seen it done, and boy howdy does it ever reek of godliness... it should have +5 points at least.
18 points...
ReplyDeleteWe did away with a lot of the traditional Christian wedding components. We had a dance, but no Fergie.
Also, our pastor said "Nathan and Steve" instead of "Nathan and Sarah" at one point in the ceremony. Is that negative points? :)
how about when the bride/groom/wedding party don't wear shoes because they are standing on holy ground?
ReplyDelete16 points. Unless you count the million for grandma dancing. This was WELL before Fergie. But I think we get the points because we included dancing (and thus had to rent a reception hall) because my in-laws couldn't imagine a wedding without dancing.
ReplyDeleteAlso, thanks DP for the mental image your comment provoked. (But wouldn't you need TWO birds of prey onstage?)
I've never seen the sand thing. Maybe it hasn't reached California yet.
ReplyDeleteWe got only 9 points. And instead of a unity candle, we had a "trinity candle" -- we kept the original 2 candles burning to symbolize that we were still individuals -- it seemed to matter to us at the time.
But I think we should get an extra +10 points for my musician husband not leaving his post to push away the fill-in organist who was butchering the processional and just play it himself.
If the wedding kiss is the couple's first kiss (+1 point)
ReplyDeleteIf the Pastor mentions it is their first kiss (+2 points)
If someone shouts "You can do it!" during the first kiss (+3 points)
I appreciate the list that you have given here. I'm doing my second wedding in two weeks (my brother's) and they're having me preach on 1 Cor. 13 - the most overused wedding scripture ever. I'm looking forward to it though.
ReplyDeleteOn the unity candle thing - I agree that is way overused and I did not want it for my own wedding, but my wife did - so you can guess who won. A good friend of mine made a unity bouquet. The bride and groom each had their own bouquet of flowers and put them together to form one bouquet and used a ribbon to tie them (representing God).
Do you get more points for the father of the bride preaching the gospel during the RECEPTION instead of a toast?
ReplyDeleteHa.
Or TWO pastors officiate? One who is German?
I've also seen a wedding of friends of friends of friends where they had a unity CAULDRON. That's right. A huge shallow cauldron mounted 10 ft above the ground which they lit with flaming torches. The ringbearers also wore swords (as did the groomsmen) and carried the rings in a solid wooden chest.
Heh. I'm planning my own version of an ultimate wedding.
ReplyDeleteWe're not having it in a church (*gasp!*); we're having it in a theatre. Our processional will be from a film score (still to be determined). We're not lighting a unity candle; we're making purple (our main color) by mixing red and blue water. We'll have some sort of film element (possibly "credits" for our ceremony), and we'll also have a set and lighting design. Our reception will be in an art gallery--and we'll have a dance!
However, there will be no alcohol, and we're going to have a choir, which has to count for extra points.
We're all about celebrating the arts in our wedding, since that's so much a part of what we are, and it's a big part of our worship and our relationship with God. We told someone today that we're planning a wedding with fairly traditional content; we're just doing it in nontraditional places.
Oh, I also officiated a wedding where my wife was a bridesmaid, and as she exited the stage I gave her a loving pat on the rump - with my Bible.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how many points that's worth - I blame of Song of Solomon for making me think that sort of thing is okay.
At Greek weddings, which are in my opinion the most fun, there's lots of Ouzo and drunkenly carrying people around on your shoulders while they sit in a chair. What's not to love about that?
ReplyDeleteSimilar to AlphaProsperity I was once retained by a friend who was having a reception at a 'no alcohol' church to set up and run a bar out of one of the men's rooms.
ReplyDeleteThis was such a good post.
ReplyDelete(@ness and @Patrick 5:59am: hilarious!)
My husband was just the best man a few weeks ago in THE most Christian wedding we've ever been to.
They did the unity candle, special song, 1 Cor 13, the whole bit.
However, right when the reception started the bride and her bridesmaids did a 5 minute "choreographed" dance to 15 second splices of pretty much every popular rap song there is. (The groom made one appearance in the entire dance--to one of Timbaland's songs) The crowd loved it for the first few songs/seconds, then we all just sat there watching them for the remaining 73642 songs. Ridiculous.
We scored 1 point.
Thank God.
Haha
The fact that what I'm about to type sounds boastful in my head makes me groan. In the last 24 months I have been to 14 weddings (I know what that averages out to) each of which scored at least 26 points. None of them were mine.
ReplyDeleteMy dad is a pastor and so we had our pastor do the beginning of the ceremony while my dad walked me down the aisle and gave me away. Then my dad took over--he and I worked hard on the ceremony to get it just right.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite things he did was talk about the significance of rings in the Bible, using the story of the prodigal son as a reference. I don't remember everything exactly, but it was really special because my husband's ring was made from his father's, who had died less than a year before our wedding.
I think the most important (and wonderful) thing about a wedding is that you can pick and choose what elements to incorporate to truly make it your own, especially in our American culture.
23. Your pastor can't resist the temptation of a captive audience and ad libs the entire gospel message in the middle of your vows = +1 point
ReplyDeleteI am that pastor.
I will more than likely preach over the couple. I believe I have one shot to present the gospel of God to those who do not trust in Him.
Thanks for #24. That is a great idea.
MAN! How did I only score a thirteen?! I thought we were hardcore! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI got 14. And a divorce, God help me. So... turns out the unity candle not being lit when we got on the platform, and X having to light it WITH A ZIPPO in the middle of the ceremony was in Fact, a bad omen. Hmm.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Carolynn
I only got like 14, but I don't remember what was said at my wedding so I could be missing some points for bible verses read. I can't stand the pastor that did our wedding and am annoyed that he's in our wedding pics, and they're not digital so I can't edit him out.
ReplyDeleteHI.LAR.IOUS. that you answered wedding questions!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd Chocolate was the New Black for a while there, so dont worry! ya did good, Jenny! ;)
can we call you Jenny now? Just kidding...maybe...
anyway, I am the wedding director for our church, so i have seen it all! and not to brag or anything , but I DID get it approved to have a Couple's First Dance at the reception at our church...but no one else can dance. but, hey, its a start, right? + 5 points maybe?
what you missed:
~having the best choir soloist sing the latest Steven Curtis Chapman love song during the unity candle.
~definately need holy points for foot washing...
~what about the couple giving their mothers a Bible with a rose during the ceremony? +5 points?
and our best "Christian" wedding gift was the GIANT tapestry with the Prayer of Jabez...that has to give me like 10 points...
One of my friends recently got married and had basically ALL of the above-- PLUS a foot-washing ceremony and a laying-on of hands by the entire wedding party. SUPER Christian points.
ReplyDeleteThe bride catches her veil on fire while lighting the unity candle..+2points.
ReplyDelete(My mom's cousin did this and my mom, as matron of honor, was the one who noticed and had to put it out)
Dress with sleeves +3 points
ReplyDeleteStrapless dress -3 points
11 points, BOOYA!!! *reads description* uh wait :-|
ReplyDeleteSatin bridesmaid dresses that look like they're from 1997 = +2 points
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the funniest posts I've ever read. (I'm linking to it today.)
ReplyDeleteThis blog is turning into my most favoritest blogs ever. When my blog grows up it wants to be just like it.
And I want to add to the list: you are allowed to have a secular love song, but only if you modify the lyrics to take out the "suggestive" words.
Blessings,
Sandy
I don't think I've laughed this hard in a long time!!! This is great! Thanks for the laugh!
ReplyDeleteI graded a recent Christian wedding I performed in June. Final score: +2. Uh-oh :-)
ReplyDeleteP.S. Unity sand is the new unity candle.
@Brandon
ReplyDeleteAdd +5 for the groom asking the crowd for encouragement on their first kiss. Saw that once and couldn't help but think "if you need encouragement, perhaps you've made some sort of mistake".
Also, completely foregoing the garter toss because "it's totally inappropriate for the groom to stick his hand up the bride's dress, rip off an undergarment and fling it at a bunch of his horny single friends" should be worth 2 or 3 points.
Yeah, I'm pretty much okay with the fact that we didn't get too many points on this one. It was a ton of fun and we succeeded in getting my hubby's parents to dance together at the reception - something they'd never done in over 30 years of marriage.
@LyricallyDiscordant:
ReplyDeleteIf we can get my parents to dance together, it'll be a day of victory, for sure. My mom does not dance. Period. Not even with my dad.
I'm aiming to make her dance at least once with my dad and once with my fiance at our wedding. If I can do that, I may expect to see pigs outside the second-story window.
How many points do you get if your brother officiates the ceremony? We all thought it was hilarious that my husband "married" his sister. Then at the reception his grandmother nearly passed out after she got wasted and was flying around the floor salsa dancing with the best man! Gotta love that Catholic reception.
ReplyDeleteLooking at the list, I was wondering who actually remembers what happened at their wedding? It was all a blur to me.
ReplyDeleteI do know this. We did NOT have a unity candle. My father, who performed our ceremony, encouraged us not to, because it is always such a pain. A poor mother-in-law can't get the lighter to light, one candle blows out before the ceremony, the wick is broken, etc. etc. etc. There is no need for that mess!
We did do communion. That I remember.
Also, almost our entire wedding party were musicians, so after the ceremony, we formed a worship band and had a worship service. That's got to be worth 10 points.
Um... Ours scored less than 10, unless I go back and count how many times our pastor used the phrase "covenant relationship." Then it would probably be more like 22 points. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteI scored a 1... +2 points for 1 Corinthians, but -1 for no dancing. However, we also didn't have alcohol, so shouldn't that be worth a few more points?
ReplyDeleteAnd speaking of the no alcohol... you should have seen the look on my in-laws faces when I announced that! I would have liked at least champagne but my super conservative parents were paying for the wedding and probably wouldn't have attended if we had any form of alcohol. Our reception was in a restaurant that looked out over the boat harbor. Located just underneath was a liquor store. Many of the guests made their way downstairs. Really awkward!
And I'm still in shock over #6, #24, and foot washing. Seriously, people do these?
Does the Thomas Kinkade Family Bible count?
ReplyDeleteWhat about if you let the Bible reader pick the passage and you end up with 10 chapters of Jesus' life story and fie and brimstone and one of the bridesmaids passes out because the 1/2 ceremony in the middle of summer is going on 2 hours?
Gideon bible favors. Brilliant!! And if it happens to be one of those fancy-schmancy hotels you can throw in the chocolates they leave on the pillows :D
ReplyDeleteThe song is "When God Made You" and your first kiss is at the altar.
ReplyDelete6 points for the verses in the Bible reading; Colossians 3:12-17 (look it up and see where we stopped - no boos for us).
ReplyDeleteWhat about an extra point or 2 for the nice church lady who crotcheted(Sp?) a lovely white cross to hang over my wife's arm instead of a demon possessed horseshoe - it' like the wedding version of pot blessings instead of potluck.
Don't remember what the minister said, but he's now divorced and shacked up with his girlfriend, so as an occasional celebrant myself these days I tend to pay more attention to my own wedding messages as a reminder of the important stuff. The gospel bit is short, with the emphasis on Jesus being the ultimate example of love and following God's advice being the key to life, and marriage, in all its fullness.
Also, I think one of my mates and his bride probably deserve several minus points for walking out of the chapel at the end of the ceremony to Kiss; "I was made for lovin' you baby." Cracked us up though! I wanted to go with the Proclaimers for ours "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today!" but was vetoed by the bride who'd had the piece of music for that moment chosen long before we met. Fairly sure Michael W Smith was involved, so possibly another point there, slowling creeping towards almost Christian!
a) Wait, am I being too literal or did you actually score 30 on that, Jon Acuff?
ReplyDeleteb) My vw the other day when I didn't post was "cluein." I thought that was amusing.
c) Tsholo, you're not talking about Brett FISH of South Africa and Thort for the Week, are you? 'Cause if so, it's a crazy small world.
d) This came right in time for my own wedding planning. It's nice to know ahead of time that my fiance and I should take action to avoid sex jokes being made by the pastor during our ceremony. Who knew.
You had me at "One of my jobs was to answer all the emails that people sent to a fictional girl called 'Jenny.'"
ReplyDeleteThose poor, poor brides. :-)
Not married, but have photographed a fair number of weddings. Here are my top faves...
ReplyDeleteThe bridesmaid dresses have sleeves. +3 points
The bride and bridesmaids pray together in a big circle right before the ceremony begins. +2 points
Your first-ever kiss is at the altar. +3 points
The groom composes (and sings) a song to the bride. +2 points
Foot washing is part of the ceremony. +2 points
Instead of tossing a bouquet, you hand a single rose to each of the unmarried women in attendance and pray for them to find a husband soon. +1 point for each rose
The father and daughter dance to "Butterfly Kisses" +2 points
Precious Moments figurines are on top of your cake. +2 points
At the reception, there is a 10 minute slideshow of pictures of the bride and groom, all set to music by Steve & Annie Chapman. +2 points
Do I lose points because our recessional was "Spider Pig?"
ReplyDeleteI know you could do an entire blog about wedding music. Must includes: Lord's Prayer, Wither Thou Goest, that old Paul Stookey song about the troubadour, and I Will Be Here. And for the father/daughter dance? Butterfly Kisses.
ReplyDeleteThis is great - My husband and I just got married this past May 1st and although I am a Baptist Pastor's daughter, I only managed to score a +2 (had to have that unity candle!). Although I probably lose those two points for purposely choosing vows that left out the "obey your husband" part =)
ReplyDeleteHow many points do I get for mighty mighty holy in-laws?
ReplyDeleteThey left our reception the minute they walked in because we had a band, dancing and champagne. Then they called my husband on our Honeymoon to tell him how disapointed they were in him and asked 'how long has this been going on?' Apparently having a champagne toast at your wedding means you are a raging alcoholic.
On the other hand, my grandmother did break it down to Beyonce on the dance floor. So that makes up for the in-laws.
Still waiting after all these years for my own wedding. Been to a zillion, been a bridesmaid/ maid of honor 7 times... Thoughts:
ReplyDelete1) Who cares if 80 million other couples used the same scripture verse/ song/ candle/ etc.? If it's meaningful to YOU, use it/do it! It's your wedding, it's not meant to be a contest of creativity vs. all the other weddings that have ever happened...
2) The most powerfully moving wedding service I ever attended included inviting any of the guests to offer prayers/blessings for the bride, the groom, or both. Some folks prayed from their pews, some came up & laid hands on the couple. It was so precious, and worth every minute of the extra time in the service! That was 30 years ago, and it's still the special thing I want most in my own wedding ceremony. (If I have enough faith to believe that my dear redneck relatives won't call out something inappropriate!)
3) I have been praying that the Lord would teach me/equip me to "wash the feet" of my future husband.( I participated in a few actual footwashings during intimate communion celebrations in my old college fellowship, and they were profound.) I never thought of a literal footwashing as a part of a wedding ceremony, but that's a great idea... if it's mutual.
4) Most embarassing moment: Was asked to read a scripture at my sister's wedding. They said no need to come to rehearsal, the reading would be clearly marked. (You can see where this is going...) Big day: at the podium, the book is marked with a sticky note at top of page, so I started reading there... After a few verses, find myself reading aloud a strong exhortation against fornication... (something unfamiliar from Apocrypha, it was a Catholic ceremony.) Groom was atheist, bride was backslidden "Christian", they had been "living in sin" for 4 years before the wedding & everyone knew it... And most knew I was a "Jesus Freak"...Turns out the "correct" reading was on the facing page...
Having the bride's father take the purity ring off her finger and give it as a gift to the groom in front of the entire congregation.
ReplyDelete+83 points for sitting through the awkward...
Actually had someone blow a shofar (a jewish religious horn made from goat antlers) at our wedding... and we are not even Jewish!
ReplyDeleteHonestly not even sure how it happened other than our church was just really into some idea of "Jubilee" at the time... embarrassing
Oh yeah and I recently performed an outdoor wedding where at the reception the brides grandma (close to 80) was dancing to Lynyrd Skynyrd while swaying from a patio pole, sipping something hiding in a brown paper bag! No lie... it was frightening!
How many points does this couple get (or subtract).
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
We score a big fat ZERO! ;)
ReplyDeleteChristians are so unbelievably nauseating.
ReplyDelete@Jodie Mac
ReplyDeleteAmazing video...
I would give them 100 points because Grandma is clapping (near the end of the video)
My daughter planned some special things for her wedding:
ReplyDelete1. They had a worship band and started the ceremony with worship music. A blessing for the believers and quite an example for the non-believers and lukewarmers!
2. The bride presented the groom with her purity ring during the ceremony. She spoke of the vow she had made years before for her future husband and the vow she made then to be faithful to him. More comments were made about that part of the ceremony from parents who were grateful for the message sent to their teens. It IS possible to wait!
3. The couple excited the ceremony to "Oh Happy Day"!!!
Okay, so I thought we were cool because we had pyrotechnics shoot off when we kissed (although it wasn't our first kiss, so we don't get any points), but in all the many weddings I have attended and participated in...I have never, ever seen this:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
Jon, I can't believe the Shofar only gets one point. Sheesh. And I may have missed it, but I think two points should be granted for each hymn sung during the service (one point for each contemporary worship song).
ReplyDeleteMy wv is "visions"!
ReplyDeleteI was once at a wedding where the best man preached a "come to Jesus" message before the wedding began, the pastor did it during the wedding, and the best man did it again as a toast at the reception. No altar call but the couples first dance was to the song "it is not death to die". I think that wedding hit the 50+ points mark.
ReplyDelete30. If you release a pair of doves after the ceremony to fly away and build a new nest together, +3
ReplyDelete31. If one of the doves poops on the bride's dress while flying away, before any wedding pictures have been taken, -5
32. If the "dove lady" has some magic liquid in a squirt bottles than removes the poop before a stain could set, +5.
(happened at a friend's wedding)
We had "Zip A Dee Doo Dah" from Song of the South as our recessional, other than that, a very proper Baptist wedding.
ReplyDeleteHaving more than one priest/vicar/minister take part in the service - 3 points
ReplyDelete... at least one of whom is related to the bridge or groom - 5 points
Not having 1 Corinthians 13 as a reading, because it's over-used at non-Christians' weddings just because it mentions 'love' - 2 points
@soulformation - check your sources. Jesus liked wedding parties so much he was accused of being a party animal. Let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater, or maybe the bridesmaid with the.. anyway. We do indeed live in a narcissistic self-centered all about me society. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't celebrate outrageously what God tells us to. The very first song written by a human - not a hymn, not a praise chorus, but a love song about the equality and differences of his very beautiful new bride.
ReplyDeleteWe live in a world where first graders are now picked up from school with their friends in a stretched Hummer and taken to an all night 6 year old birthday party at a nearby hotel (true story. we had to tell our own 6 year old, that she would be RSVPing in the negative which opened up a long conversation about abbreviating other languages). We over celebrate to be sure. But weddings ought to be where we rehearse the throw down party that the Bridegroom will be hosting when He returns for His bride.
Oh and, mutual submission is physically impossible without superman flying backwards or something. What does it even look like? Flip a coin? use the lawn watering regulations? I'll lead on even days, you lead on odd days. Just asking..
23. Your pastor can't resist the temptation of a captive audience and ad libs the entire gospel message in the middle of your vows = +1 point
ReplyDeleteAt my best friend's wedding... for over an hour. I kid you not. Even his wife (who happened to be sitting directly in front of where I was standing) was beginning to grumble. I was horrified (but all the while laughing hysterically inside). Oh, the memories.
I recently got married, so this post tickled me. In fact, our wedding was four days after this was posted. Seeing things like the pastor telling the story of Adam and Eve and receiving the "As for me and my house..." plaque struck a chord, as they actually happened!
ReplyDeleteWhat was really nice about our wedding is that not one person in my wife's family is saved. Attending such a beautiful, God-centred ceremony surely must have impacted their spirits. ;)