Single adults, I have failed you.
Although I’ve written a handful of ideas about being single at church, I’ve never really done that topic justice.
So today, I created a list of all the different stereotypes and challenges singles have to navigate when they go to church. From the “get married right this second” friends to the “this guy has a pulse and so do you so maybe that’s enough in common to fall in love” friends, it’s all here.
And I can’t take credit for it. I read your comments about real things that have happened to you at church, got ideas from my single friends, and received a great email from a pastor named Jeff. I took it all and created a point based scorecard.
Ready to play?
The Surviving Church as a Single Scorecard
1. Your church doesn't have a singles ministry. = + 1 point
2. Your church has a singles ministry but it's combined with the college ministry which creates opportunities for conversations like this:
Student: "My roommate bought a microwave for our dorm room. I love being a Freshman!"
Single: "My 401K is underperforming." = +2 points
3. Your church has a singles ministry but it's a triad that combines college, single adults and divorce recovery. = + 3 points
4. Your church has a singles ministry but it's the dreaded quad, combining college, single adults, divorce recovery and retired widowers that refuse to move to Florida. = +4 points
5. Someone pays you the world's most backhanded compliment, "I just don't understand how someone as great as you isn't married yet." = +1 point
6. Someone told you, “If you stop looking for love you’ll find it.” 2 points for each time you’ve heard that.
7. At church, people give you weird looks if you refuse to sit in the “singles” section of the sanctuary. = +1 point
8. When people introduce you, they say, “This is Matt, my single friend.” = +2 points
9. When people introduce you they feel compelled to list out your accomplishments, “This is Sally, my single friend who owns her own home, drives a luxury sedan and has a very, very stable job.” = +3 points
10. Your friends that have been married for 15 minutes act like they suddenly don’t remember anything about dating and therefore can't give you any advice. “It’s been so long since I dated, things have changed so much. I’m just out of that whole scene.” + 2 points
11. People are constantly volunteering you for things because, “you’re single, you’ve got so much free time.” = +1 point
12. People at church act a little surprised when they ask you, “How are you doing?” and you respond with, “Things are great right now. I love my life!” = +1 point
13. Married friends try to live vicariously through you, asking questions like, “What did you do this weekend? Road trip? I bet you went on some crazy cool, singles road trip, right?” = +2 points
14. Someone you just met for the first time said a sentence like this to you, “If you want to get married, you need to ______.” = +2 points
15. Whenever married friends call you at noon on a Saturday, they start the conversation by saying, “Did I just wake you up?” = +3 points
16. You assume that if you don’t get engaged by final exams of your senior year in college you'll never get married. = -2 points
17. You’ve secretly always wanted your own cat but are afraid that ownership of a single kitten will become some sort of gateway drug to becoming “the cat lady.” = - 2 points
18. You’ve ever given an impassioned, enraged monologue on the injustice that men who are single get to age gracefully and be considered “bachelors” while women are instantly judged as “crazy cat ladies.” = – 3 points
19. You’ve got a “don’t perpetuate the cat lady stereotype,” monologue locked and loaded at all times and have already stopped reading this post so you can put it in the comments section. = - 5 points
20. Someone has quoted the “it’s not good for man to be alone” Bible verse to you. = +2 points.
21. When friends invite you to their church they start the invite by listing both the quantity and hotness of the singles that go there. = +1 point
22. That friend was named Jon Acuff and he said, “No one in Atlanta should ever involuntarily remain single with so many awesome single people at North Point Community Church.” (I've said this a lot. My bad.) = + 3 points
23. Your married friends tip toe around you during February because they think you're too delicate to handle the completely made up holiday, Valentine’s Day. = +1 point
24. You are too delicate to handle Valentine’s Day and have been known to describe it with a rich tapestry of words no Christian should even know exist, never mind actually say out loud. = + 1 point
25. The person that leads the singles ministry at your church got married in 1964. = +10 points for each decade they’ve been married.
26. Someone told you, "Maybe you need to focus on being more like a Proverbs 31 woman." = 2 points for each time it wasn't sincere encouragement.
27. You didn't know you were supposed to be unhappy as a single adult until you went to church and found the singles ministry to be akin to a support group. = +3 points
28. Upon hearing that you went on a first date with someone, your single friends at church stop inviting you to the single events because "you're in a relationship already." = +2 points
29. Upon hearing that you went on two dates, your married friends at church start telling you, "I'll be praying that this is the one!" = + 3 points
30. Your best friend of 15 years gets married and then suddenly acts like a magical gap has opened up between you and decides that until you get married too you can't be close again because you just don't understand each other anymore. = +3 points
31. To justify giving a four week marriage sermon series to a congregation that is 60% single, the pastor throws out one blanket statement like this at the beginning of the series, "And you single people listen up to this too, this well serve you well when you get married too." = +2 points
32. You set your alarm to "not going to church today" after the first week of the marriage sermon series. = - 2 points
33. The only time your married friends invite you over is when they need a babysitter. = +3 points
34. Someone throws the "Paul was never married" card on you. = +2 points
35. Friends assume that the only qualification that matters to you when it comes to finding a date is that she's available and set you up with people you have nothing in common with. = +2 points
36. You've ever said the rhyme, "I'm a bachelor til’ the rapture." = - 1 point
37. During a prayer at church celebrating wedding anniversaries, the person praying says a special prayer for all the people that are still single and lonely. (True story) = +1 point
38. You have a friend that feels like creating a dating profile on eHarmony is a sign that you might not be trusting God enough to provide a soul mate. = + 1 point
39. You've developed highly sensitive, "They're about to throw the bouquet" radar and know exactly when to leave a wedding. = +2 points
40. Instead of saying that you're "single" your friends describe you as "Not married yet." = +2 points
How did you score? Did I miss any? Have you experienced some that just weren't on that list?
Singles of the world unite and post your score proudly and when someone tries to stereotype you, tell them Razzle Dazzle, Razzle Dazzle.
Could it be that the folks who make singles the most uncomfortable at church are those who "took the college years off," and are compensating for the guilt they feel for NOT being in church when they were single? Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteHow about the people that regret they can't set you up with someone who's already married? They say something like, "Man, I wish I would have put you two together a year ago. It's too bad. Now they're married, but I don't like their spouse. I think they would have better off with you."
ReplyDelete18 POINTS!! Yusss.
ReplyDeleteYou missed the elderly types that say "when Alison gets married, God willing, ..."
Ha ha ha, brings back memories. I used to get asked "So hows the girlfriend?" and since I did not have one I would answer "Which one?" worked every time- ha ha ha.
ReplyDeleteAs the only single, and youngest in our church choir I was once kindly told by the older marrieds, "its better for a woman to be married to anyone, Christian or not, than to be single", and I was advised that if I found myself a nice non-Xtian boy I could just sleep with him and convert him...
ReplyDeleteYeah, we're quite far off any singles ministry in my church!
35
ReplyDeleteAre you going to post a score sheet to give these numbers context?
I got 32, but that was without including question 6.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I have lost count of the number of time someone has dropped the "When you stop looking" card, but I can think of at least 9 people in the last year, so let's go with 18 points.
50!!!
I think I have a 28- kind of hard to tell, because #6 is off the charts. I think there should be bonus points for the people that say stuff like that to you when they are younger than you and have already been married for years. Thanks for the sage advice on being single from someone who never has been!
ReplyDeleteThis post had good timing for me. Our pastor was excited this weekend about an upcoming event that they are doing at our church that is broken up into high schoolers and then 18-22+. Are you kidding me?
I won't be going. I'll be at a wedding, avoiding the bouquet toss.
Oh wow... you missed all the "divorced" backhanded comments like, "Well this time you can improve yourself and be the wife God wants you to be," or my favorite, "The right man will look past your past." Of course, they never consider you might just be divorced because of infidelity... after all, it's ALWAYS the woman's fault (at least, in church it is). When as a result you're a single parent you have another batch of questions, "When are you going to find a good male role model for your children?" or the exile from both "single" events (you have kids and adult responsibilities) as well as "married" events (you have no spouse) and you're in a kind of single purgatory... Gotta love "religious exile".
ReplyDeleteAnother thing - there are two categories of single people - the ones that claim they're content with their single status and ARE, and those who claim they are and AREN'T. And if you're like me, you can instantly recall people you know in both categories.
ReplyDeleteNow, which of those groups do you suppose get the constant "when are you gonna get a gf/bf" / "have you met my (single) daughter/son/nephew/niece?
The points I got just from #6? 2,000,000 and counting.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I really hate it when people say that to me, it's so frustrating.
Okay...off to calculate my score, minus question 6. :)
And the singles ministry at my church is mainly for people in their 30s and 40s.
Wow, great list, though I couldn't quite bring myself to figure out my score. Here are two little personal adjustments
ReplyDelete32. I never, ever go to church on Mother's Day either.
37. The prayer I've heard (at a wedding!) was for not just for the single and lonely, but for the "single, lonely, elderly, ill and dying." Because, you know, same diff.
If by "made up holiday" in #23, you mean a "holiday made up by the Romans back in you know...like 732 BC" then that's cool. I just thought you should know. It was celebrated on Feb 15...but its the same holiday. All about love and fertility and whatnot.
ReplyDeleteI'm single, but I just have to defend the 14th of February, because its my birthday. There is nothing worse than your birthday also being a "couple's holiday". No matter how many times you hang out with your non-single friends on their birthdays they will never hang out with you on yours, because they have to hang out with their significant other. *sigh*
My score is too high to calculate. I grew up in the south in a church that had great programs for everyone except singles!
ReplyDeleteMy "favorite" advice about being single comes from people who got married when they were just out of high school!
I'm perpetuating the "oh she's so pitiful...no one would marry her so she had to go off to a foreign country as a missionary to find a husband!" Yes I am living in a foreign country (Japan) as a missionary but I am not here to find a husband!
Thanks for the laugh. I needed it today!
hi i scored 26 + a gazillion for question 6, so that would be a gazillion and 26.
ReplyDeleteI have tried to get a "single for life"-club going at the church, but somehow all the members wind up married.... I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe my recruitment strategy needs better selection criteria.
Oh, what about the remaining two singles at any event will inevitably be seated at the same tables and kinda shoved together in such a way as to force them together. (No, still has not happened. No, I'm still not interested. No, I don't think he's my type)
Oy, quite a comprehensive list! Although, surprisingly enough, it made this single churchgoer appreciate his church a bit more, just because of the lack of these! The ones about married friends, however...
ReplyDelete#38--I've had people tell me the opposite, that I'm pretty much overlooking the provision of God by NOT joining eHarmony.
ReplyDeleteI think the singles who get this post forwarded to them should get a couple points. It's only fair.
ReplyDeleteI’ll be talking to a married woman and someone I know greets me, then turns to her with a big smile and says, “I don’t think I’ve met you,” followed rather closely with, “And how did you two meet?” My usual answer: I was best man at her wedding.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny to me that there is so much pressure to get married, as if once you get married your life will be so easy. At my sister's rehearsal dinner she and her husband to be were all lovey-dovey, it was disgusting. All of us who were standing up with her had been married several years. We were watching the kissy-huggy display, trying not to puke. I turned to the girls and said, "I give them 3 days and 1 argument about sex to wipe that smile off their faces."
ReplyDeleteIgnore the pressure, singles. Being married has its issues, too.
My senior year of college I was single and we had a college day weekend where incoming freshman could come check out the school. I was talking to one of them and he was like, "What? You are a senior, and you don't even have a girlfriend? What is wrong with you?"
ReplyDeleteHe just graduated last month from college, single.
Recently I found myself on a mega church's website. Out of curiosity, I checked out what kind of small groups they had for singles. I was bombarded with an ULTRA cheesy video likening singleness to a deadly disease diagnosis. The real kicker was there motto... "Single Doesn't Have To Mean Alone." Oh good grief.
ReplyDeleteThat reminds me of the first time I visited a church when I moved to Kentucky. After the geriatric usher asked me a few questions and looked on a list of Sunday school classes, we were off to find the class he had in mind for me. I followed him through a maze of people and hallways and when we finally arrived, he ushered me right into an empty classroom. "That list said that a singles class meets here. If nobody shows up in a few minutes, come find someone" he said.
Trying to remain optimistic, I sat down at the round table. While waiting for the other people to "show up," I noticed the attendance list in the middle of the table. Not only did it only have 4 names on it, it had the name of the Sunday school class on it.
"Simply Solo"
And that's the way I remained for about 30 seconds before heading home.
Hmm, only 17. Although, almost none of my close friends are actually married yet, which means half the questions don't apply. As for the church itself, it's such a large congregation that it's easy to simply be ignored, which some days is better than being patronized. Also, the fact that I'm still in grad school is probably marking me as still being in higher education limbo, when it's still acceptable to not be married. The downside being the stigmatism that a Master's degree or PhD is seen as a hindrance to getting an MRS.
ReplyDeleteOne to add to your list: you've ever been so "okay" with being single you made a bet with your three closest girlfriends that the first one to get engaged had to pay the other three $50. Three years later, no money has yet been paid.
Oh, Jon, that's sweet of you.
ReplyDeleteBut how about:
-You've given up trying to convince people at your church that you're over 22 and capable of being a real adult, since obviously a never-married person must be in college or just out.
-After joining a new church, you turned up, against your better judgment, at your first women's/men's ministry event, and were in the building for all of six minutes before you were told, in so many words, that you really should have a ring on your left hand.
-You have a good-natured ongoing debate with a divorced friend and one of the cool widows about who has it worst in church.
-Your pastor got the bright idea to actually preach about "living a Godly single life" - and delivered a sermon about how to find a spouse.
-You have to explain to people why you didn't go out with the last guy from church who was interested in you, despite the fact that he was literally twice your age and still living with his parents.
You left out the one where a well-meaning married friend tells you "Well, some girl will be very lucky to have you someday."
ReplyDeleteSome day indeed.
Great post, Jon!
ReplyDeleteI'm at bible (bridal) college, and there's about 4 single guys left amongst the full time students (no, I'm not kidding)
People either assume I'm bitter about it, and then avoid me, then they realise I'm fine with it and proceed to flirt with their spouse right in front of me.
I may be fine with being single, but NO ONE wants to watch your public displays of affection!
So, twelve years ago, I moved to a country with less than 0.1% of its population protestant/evangelical. My best friends here got married at the age of 19 (if anyone can honestly say they don't understand single adult life, it's them).
ReplyDeleteIt's simply not an issue here; I am viewed as simply a friend and a brother by other believers.
The evanglical subculture in North America actively makes being a single adult worse than it really is.
I don't know why or how, but it does.
I can't say I miss it.
I'd say roughly a third of this stuff works for "marrieds with no kids," too. For example:
ReplyDeletePeople are constantly volunteering you for things because, “you don't have kids, you’ve got so much free time.”
You set your alarm to "not going to church today" the night before the Mother's Day sermon.
Your best friend of 15 years has a kid and then suddenly acts like a magical gap has opened up between you and decides that until you have children too, you can't be close again because you just don't understand each other anymore.
I can't tell you how many churches in my new town shuffled my then boyfriend and I off to "young marrieds" class without even asking if we were married nor inquiring as to our ages (we were both over 40, he was bald, and I was gray - clues, folks, those are clues!). Actually, I can tell you how many...
ReplyDeleteWe visited 10 churches after I moved to this city (new boyfriend (old friend) was just visiting for the weekends to see me) and nearly all did the same thing. When we asked about a singles Sunday school class, they did one of the following
1) asked "What's a singles class?"
2) took us to a class full of college aged folks.
3) said,"Oh, that's only for divorced people!"
4) said,"What?! You aren't married?" No, we hadn't been dating long at that point, though we'd been friends for years... Those "married" comments are quite uncomfortable for folks who are dating and not at the point yet of discussion marriage...
5) said,"Oh, sorry, we don't have enough singles in this church to have a separate class." We avoided the "if you build it, they will come" replies that came to mind.
Not that the welcoming thing is any easier now that we are married some years later. Newly married mid-40s folks with no children are just as weird in a Baptist church, apparently. For months we were in a sunday school class of folks about our age and all the lessons were about raising children. Um. Well...
Churches expect we all fit into the same mold of a couple that gets married by the time college is over, and has children pretty soon, and the wife stays home or is a school teacher, etc. Guess what, folks? Not so many of us fit that mold. Perhaps that's part of the reason so many churches are shrinking.
Also, Proverbs 31 is thrown in the face of every woman, single or not. It may be one of the most misused chapters of the Bible, so often quoted to show women how we don't measure up.
ReplyDeleteUgh... don't even get me started. At 27 and counting, I've heard it all.
ReplyDeleteThe "that was so far behind me... I don't remember. I really don't know what to tell you" thing kills me. Really? That was like two years ago! Either you're putting it behind you like a bad memory, or being married makes you dumb. I also have friends who will go on and on about how great it is to be married and how it's so nice not to have to worry about finding a mate anymore, right to my face. But by far the most frustrating thing to hear is anything from someone who was married at 19-22 and thinks they know all about "waiting". No, you don't.
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ReplyDeleteGreat post, Jon.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts on Valentines Day this year...
Watch for Flying Forks41. Insert a heavy dose of sarcasm whenever blogging about Valentines Day. +15
By 'Valentine's day' I'm sure you're referring to 'singles awareness day'.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been single for a long time (18 years) but I don't think I'll ever forget the tactless comments and situations I endured when I was single.
ReplyDeleteJust a couple of examples:
You go to a friend's wedding where you barely know anyone - just the bride and her immediate family. You are quite relaxed with this but the bride takes pity on you and loudly asks some other friends if they will look after you during the reception,"seeing as you haven't got a boyfriend". This turn of events is then loudly proclaimed by the bride's mother all night long to anyone who will listen: "Isn't it kind that they're looking after Sally, seeing as SHE HASN'T GOT A BOYFRIEND!".
A former good friend and confidante gets married. She invites you round for a meal. You find that she expects you to engage in exactly the same frank, close, revealing discussions you used to share - but now with her husband there too, listening to every word. (Seriously, she expected me to talk about gynaecological matters in front of him).
Then there's those horrible Valentine's Days... which I don't even want to think about!
I wasn't a Christian back then but now I am so aware of what my single friends in the church have to endure. Demonstrative, neck massaging couples who look like they need to get a room, couples who rave evangelistically to singles about the importance and joys of marriage - let alone those "My wife's so HOTTTT" sermons. I guess I sound over-sensitive but I'm not expecting people to stop being affectionate etc - just to be thoughtful about those around them.
Hmmm, maybe I should start one of those "singles ministries run by people who got married in 1964"
(#25).
How about churches where practically everything the singles/young adults do is kept separate from everything the main body of the church does? Every time I go to a singles activity (and I rarely do -- and there's a whole other can of worms: "Why don't you like to go to singles activities?"), I feel like I'm being sent off to quarantine.
ReplyDeleteI mean, who do they think is going to be running the church someday, if not the current crop of young adults? Might it not be a good idea for them to see what the church is actually like?
My personal favorite: "You're so amazing that it's just taking God a long time for prepare him for your awesomeness."
ReplyDeleteTell me I need to grow up more; tell me it's not the right time... but don't try to tell me that the God who made the universe in seven days can't come up with a dude for me in twenty-seven years. That just doesn't jive.
This is great! I immediately sent it to all my friends who aren't married yet........
ReplyDeleteDude, I totally dodge bouquets...those things are like the plague to me. Almost all my friends are married, because I went to the local Southern Baptist university..."a ring by spring or your money back!" And they've all been married long enough that a bunch of them have multiple children already. So I'm 23 and I'm the "old maid" of the group :-D
ReplyDeletei HATE it when newly married friends think they know it ALL about how to meet people... cuz now that 2 social rejects found each other, they can now give me advice about all my flaws. hahah.
ReplyDeleteBTW, my favorite one is the one you left off: those little old ladies who have been "praying for me a husband" since I was 17. O.M.G. And they're so sweet you have no alternative but to smile and say thank you.
ReplyDeleteI am proudly NOT CONTENT with being single.
ReplyDeletealso I am now worried that having missed my chance to find a nice boy at college I will never find one.
Love it. Could I make a request? Could you do one for married couples who don't have kids yet?
ReplyDeleteLove the blog.
Elizabeth - your comment re:
ReplyDelete"The prayer I've heard (at a wedding!) was for not just for the single and lonely, but for the "single, lonely, elderly, ill and dying." Because, you know, same diff."
Made me laugh out aloud :) Thanks!
hahaha!! wow, i can't tell you how many times i've been told "I can't believe someone as great as you isn't married yet!"
ReplyDeletethanks for the laughs this morning, i needed it!
@marmalady are you SERIOUS? I HOPE that wasn't from a/the Pastor. What are people w/ that advice thinking? That HAS to have been a bad joke, right?
ReplyDeleteShouldn't there be a bonus for every year/decade you've been single? What if you'r single and a volunteer teacher instead of part of a singles/college/divorce/widows group? :)
ReplyDeleteWhat SFL said.
ReplyDeleteAnd married or not, the next person who quotes the Proverbs 31 woman to me is getting a swift kick in the kidneys.
I posted this on one of my equally single friend's facebook page. Word verification was: loner peter. Should I be looking for the deeper meaning in that?
ReplyDeleteHIGH-LARIOUS!
ReplyDeleteI would add that people 10 years younger than me that are married still talk to me like I'm in college and are genuinely surprised when they hear that I graduated from college long before they were driving. Oh, and I still have to sit at the "kid's table" at family reunions. Getting married = adulthood.
Thanks so much for including the travesty of the "marriage sermon series!" There is truly nothing that bothers me more at church (well, other than the painfully redundant praise song "Trading My Sorrows") than pastors taking their marriage or family counseling notes and using them as a poor excuse for generally applicable Bible teaching. All that serves to do is to (wrongly) set up the nuclear family as the Christian norm and alienate happy or lonely singles even further.
ReplyDelete"27. You didn't know you were supposed to be unhappy as a single adult until you went to church and found the singles ministry to be akin to a support group. = +3 points"
ReplyDeletePriceless.
Love it! I was single for 12 years after college, and have now been married almost four years - not long enough to forget what single life is like in the church. Jon, you've definitely nailed this one!
ReplyDeleteMy score: 1,000,082 points.
82 is my actual score, plus about a million points for the 500,000 times I heard the "you'll find someone when you stop looking" line. (By the way, it's kind of true....Aargh! Now I've turned into one of those annoyingly "helpful" married people!)
I spent one summer during college attending the "new and improved" singles' group at the church where my parents had just moved. (My dad was the new senior pastor, so I was expected to be supportive and participate, even though I'd been away at college when my parents moved to this church, so I basically knew no one.
I tried, really I did. But it was the "dreaded quad" singles group...college, young adults, divorce recovery and retired widowers. (It was the brainchild of - you guessed it - a couple who'd been married for 30+ years, and had NO idea what it was like to be single!) It was AWFUL!!! I guess we were all supposed to "learn" from each other, but no one could really relate, and every time we college kids said anything, we were met with rolled eyes and grumpy sighs. One bitter woman repeatedly barked, "Well, you just wait until you're 40 and see what it's like THEN!" If anything, I felt MORE pressure to "find the one," just so I didn't end up like THAT!
I had ONE other friend my age, who I barely knew, but he was an elder's kid, so he was sort of "required" to go, too. We went about three times. After the first event, we made a pact to always let each other know if we couldn't be there, because we weren't about to show up alone. At the second meeting, we sort of developed an unspoken agreement that even though we were NOT dating each other, and probably wouldn't ever date, that we would just let the group THINK we were - we'd always have each other's back. So when the really weird 40-something-never-been-married-and-it's-really-obvious-why guy approached me for conversation, or the needy-bitter-divorced-and-willing-to-date-anyone-breathing-woman nearly jumped my friend, we each just moved a little closer to each other. We were still friendly to everyone, but we made it clear that we had "other interests."
After attending the third time, we made a pact to tell our parents that we were very sorry, but we just couldn't take it anymore. We never went back.
Im sooo far off the scale in points, its hilarious.
ReplyDeleteAnd as a 35 yr old single guy i have experinced some of these "well intentioned" questions.
And there was that time that someone asked me (upon hearing of my long standing single status), if i was gay. When i replied no, they said it was ok if i was and that i shouldn't be embarassed about it, because "Jesus loves everyone"
I think i replied with a "rich tapestry of words no Christian should even know exist, never mind actually say out loud". ;-)
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ReplyDeleteLove this!
ReplyDeleteI was single until I was 32, and my younger-by-two-years sister got married at 18. So I spent over a decade hearing, "You let your little sister get married before you?"
And at the 18-year-old wedding I avoided catching the bouquet. At my 32 year old wedding, we didn't throw one! I figured anyone who wanted to get married so much that they'd fight off a bunch of adult women in teal gowns for a handful of flowers was just too desperate.
I like the "when you stop making marriage an idol, God will bring the perfect person into your life." I've heard from at least one pastor, one pastor's wife and one single person variations on this theme (always directed at other people, I am happily married).
ReplyDeleteThat was amazing. As someone who got married when he was 29, I think I would have scored a 256,890. Getting married at 29 in normal years is like getting married at 50 in church years.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, the same rules can apply to childless couples, ESPECIALLY when you're 30 and childless.
I didn't bother to add my score up ... maybe I'll run through it again and see, but my eyesight is blurry for laughing myself silly so I think I'll need to wait and calm down first.
ReplyDeleteon a soapboxy note, I think one of the worst things we perpetuate in the (American) church is the need to categorize people into groups. single? oh, you belong in the singles group. married with little kids? please join all the others like you. empty nesters who are not yet retired and like to travel? this way to the ENWANYRALTT group. isn't one of the most powerful things about the body of Christ its diversity? is singleness a disease for which people need to be quarantined in their own corner of the church?
ReplyDeleteand no, I'm not single ... but my husband and I were 33 and 28 when we got married, and chose to say in our "singles" small group anyway. some of my best experiences of church were with "old marrieds", senior saints, and a lot of other people not like me.
no bouquet-throwing at our wedding, either - one, I wanted to keep it; two, we had empathy for our single friends.
This was GREAT! My husband and I met in our Singles ministry at church. One thing we found hilarious when we first started "talking" is that we both volunteered to sit at the "Singles" booth at the ministry fair. People would pass by our table and we would ask for people to volunteer to help us. They would say, "Oh no! We're not single!" All we really wanted was for them to cook meals for us or volunteer to help in some sort of capacity. They just didn't get it...
ReplyDeleteAnd whether your are married or single, if your couple friends start having kids, you better say good-bye to them until their kids are out of the house. At least, it's that way in my community. The moms in my church don't have time to be friends with ladies who aren't moms, and that's a shame.
I ended up with 14, but that's because I had to subtract points. And that's not including question 6, as that would skyrocket the score into the hundreds at the very least.
ReplyDeleteAnd my church is entirely too small to have a singles ministry because it would consist of, well, my roommate and myself. That would be useless.
My main problem with the whole singleness thing is my extended family, who just don't seem to get it - I actually LIKE being single at this point in my life. Grad school's hard enough without having to balance a relationship too.
I have a "fundamentalist" uncle who once commented to me (when I was a junior in college!) that it's my duty as a Christian woman to get married and start having kids because the Muslim countries are reproducing at a faster rate than the good ol' evangelical USA. That was a humdinger of a comment. I sort of just smiled and thought about how I wanted to leave.
Sigh.
I've heard most of these many times. And if you are in the Bible Belt and over the age of 28 you start getting these questions. I know that's when the questions really started for me. I'll admit, I hate being single. There is nothin' fun about it. However, I'd rather be single for now than marry the wrong one and be miserable. I've seen too much of that from some of my friends (who are now sadly divorced). I guess the best advice to give singles is to pray. Pray that your security is in who God says you are. Pray that God strengthens you as you wait (cause your going to need Him to help you for sure). And pray that you don't punch someone in the face the next time they say one of these comments to you :) At least that's what I'm going to do :)
ReplyDeleteI appreciate my other single friends who, in an attempt to exclude themselves from the pressures of dating, announce (many, many, times) online and verbally that they have decided to date Jesus for a year. Settle down, Joshua Harris. I am always confused when at month 4 the courtship with Jesus is cut short when a potential spouse sudden appears.
ReplyDelete"some of my best experiences of church were with "old marrieds", senior saints, and a lot of other people not like me."
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely!!!
Dividing everyone into "special interest" groups is not the biblical way to go, and it also promotes that self-centered "all about me" thing...for instance, the pastor shouldn't preach about families because I don't have one, can't preach about mothers, because I'm not one, or fathers, because I didn't have a good one, or whatever. At some point there becomes very little left to preach about that isn't going to offend SOMEONE. If God's WORD is being preached (and maybe sometimes that's the problem - sometimes it ISN'T), but if his word is being preached, then you can find SOMETHING to apply to your life, regardless of the "topic." And maybe we all need to "get over" needing every single sermon to be just for us.
A group of people who are all alike and have all had the same experiences can be a good support; it's nice to know that others understand. At the same time, some of the best GROWTH comes from being around people who AREN'T like you.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that when I was just out of high school, I started going to the "Pairs and Spares" class. Are you kidding me? I think I was the only spare. This was the church I grew up in and there weren't enough singles to have their own class and there were only a few young marrieds. It was as horrific as it sounds.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I agree with everyone who has requested one of these for married with no kids. :)
I think I ended up somewhere in the negative, because my church doesn't have a singles ministry BUT I went to a Christian college where there was definite "Ring by Spring" pressure. My sister would have gotten some major points, though. When she greeted the pastors after the service, they would ask, "Do you have a boyfriend yet?" Now she's in her 30s and in missions overseas. The pastors now say, "Maybe you'll meet someone over there."
ReplyDeleteBefore I included all the points I should have gotten for #26... I had a 38.
ReplyDelete#21... SO TRUE!
#23... I loathe the people who try to include you in their celebrations. Vomit.
#27... Ha ha ha!
#29... I'm guilty of doing this for my longtime single girlfriends
#30... going through this currently
#37... I went to a wedding once, where when the girls were called to catch the bouquet, the minister said a prayer that this would be our sign. I left IMMEDIATELY.
#38... is me.
This is GREAT! I've been blogging about being 30 and single, and correlating it to have leprosy. Seriously, on bad days I think oozing sores would be better.
The most bizarre piece of "encouragement" that I got about being single was from a female friend who said, "If I was a guy I would totally date you."
ReplyDeleteI got 34, but that might go up in a few months when all my engaged friends actually get married.
Other things I hate: couples who don't take anything you say seriously because obviously singles are all immature, and the fact that your roommate and her boyfriend always get dibs on the couch, TV, etc. because no matter what you want to do, they have decided that since there's only one of you and two of them they outnumber you and get to decide.
I scored +9. Totally feeling number 40.
ReplyDeleteWV: "phyper", a highly dangerous part-robot, part viper.
@katdish “And married or not, the next person who quotes the Proverbs 31 woman to me is getting a swift kick in the kidneys.” Hilarious.
ReplyDelete#5 and #6 definitely earn me 4789251075 points.
This post made me chuckle out loud. :)
The one that makes me sad/mad to hear is about guys over 30 “If he weren’t Christian, I would think he was gay.” Really?
Loved the post and the comments. I am learning alot as a married mom of 4. I do not like asking singles to baby-sit as they are some of the busiest people I know! (Personally I think it is my job to look after our kids unless there is an emergency). I also hate the homogenous groups - they don't do anyone any favors.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for helping me understand just a little how insensitive church can be toward singles.
Also along with the "married-no-kids" post, could you do one on "child-rearing advice from those without kids"? ;)
Jude
I scored a 16. I don't really know if I count anymore since I have a boyfriend. Please don't exile me.
ReplyDeleteI go to a small church. I have been there for 10 years. We didn't have a singles' ministry until this past January. We had a youth group, however, which, as we grew, just included the kids who "became single." (As if we weren't single to begin with, but we reached the golden age of 18.) So, occasionally our youth pastor would make comments about the singles in the group. He meant well, but often his well meaning was hidden by the huge foot he was cramming into his mouth.
One such time, he was encouraging the single young men in the group (they were always sadly outnumbered...sad for the girls, not for them) to press on and God would send them exactly what they needed in a woman, during a message on God sending a whale to Jonah. Don't ask me how this all fits together, because I only remember very few details...the most clear in my mind being that he said, "Hey, if God could send a whale..."
He is no longer our youth pastor (no, not because of that comment), but he has yet to live that moment down, even though he has apologized profusely for comparing the single girls in our church to two-ton aquatic animals.
Happily, many of those single "whales" are now married, engaged, or in serious relationships with wonderful young men...only one of which (my boyfriend) was present so many years ago for that speech.
YIKES!!!! Just added mine up and without counting #6 I came up with 102!!!! This just isn't cool... just goes to show that the divorced mom is more of a "single" magnet for church critique than the average single I suppose!
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Glad I'm not the only one that deals with this stuff.
ReplyDeleteI dread it when a single guy starts coming to our church. Someone is going to try to get us together. Doesn't matter that I'm 28, divorced, and a single mom and he's only 21 and living with his mom. We're both single. That's all that matters, right?
It's to the point that I'm scared to talk to any single guys at church, because someone is going to assume that means something.
brilliant.
ReplyDeletein missionary training school, i attended special "ladies classes" with topics like "how to raise kids on the mission field", "how to support your husband", "how to homeschool", etc. it felt vaguely like the 50s (as in "make sure to put something nice on and tidy up before your husband gets home") but i suppose it was practical for the married ladies. since about 30% of the group was single, we asked if we could talk about being single on the mission field for one session. we were greeted with confusion and "but you'll want this information when you get married!". sigh.
single ladies on the mission field face their own firing squad of special helpers (often spearheaded by their own mission!)... but i'm marrying my own "God will bring him around when you stop looking" fella in 26 days so... who am i to complain! ;)
learn to be content, whatever your circumstances - that's the best dang advice out there, single or not.
I could go on and on about this post because it is utterly epic and rings so true to me. But I'm going to limit my comment to one thing you didn't mention, mostly because it's so specific.
ReplyDeleteI've been with the Navigators ministry for about 7 years now (as a college student, volunteer leader and staff). The number of Nav students who date within our ministry has always been pretty small. Apparently the number of Navigators who date is really small everywhere, which has given rise to the expression "Navigators Never-Daters." (Sometimes this expression is appended with "unless she's a Crusader," though not by me.) If I were given even just one point for every time I've heard a reference to never-daters... well, I'd have a lot of points.
The Navs at PSU created this song about the phenomenon. You should check it out. A lot of the jokes apply to any type of Christian dating.
http://bit.ly/neverdaters
Oh my! How could I forget this story?
ReplyDeleteA year and a half ago I was visiting my grandparents and attended the church my grandma pastors.
Then, after a brief message, my grandma begins to extol the young people of the church to remain pure. You might be thinking, oh how nice. Well, and it was...until she proceeded to tell them that I was a virgin and a part of a club for only virgins and so let's all take a love offering for her virgin granddaughter.
Apparently, it pays to be a virgin, because I received $65.15 that day.
First, let me confess that I am the guy who was never single. I got married one week out of college.
ReplyDeleteMy church mixes the singles and the newly weds. It's awesome. The singles have no idea how lame newly wed classes can be. It is as if getting married means that you can't go out for a drink during the week. Wait, go out during the week, period.
I blame the women for that. I have known fun-loving young ladies that get married and instantly convert to the nag and drag tactics. No bueno.
We once went to a church and visited the newly weds class that was made up of about 10 couples, all over the age of 35. We were invited to a "get together" on a Friday night. They were going to sing hymns around the piano. And who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?
This post has brought so much joy and amusement. It's probably part of why i've given up going to church. (Sad, I know. But you can only handle so many awkward moments of not knowing anyone but not wanting your only connection to be the even more awkward Christian dating scene. :P )
ReplyDeleteThis post has brought so much joy and amusement. It's probably part of why i've given up going to church. (Sad, I know. But you can only handle so many awkward moments of not knowing anyone but not wanting your only connection to be the even more awkward Christian dating scene. :P )
ReplyDeleteHow about this...
ReplyDeleteDuring my last semester of college at a Christian university, I actually had a Christian counseling professor tell me not to go to another school (near a big city) for a master's degree because I could take a couple classes at this small town university and get a job flipping burgers while I looked for someone to marry.
His advice: ask all your friends to tell you who the most spiritual single guy on campus was, compile a list of 10 such guys, and "make it known" to these guys that I'm available. Because "which is more important to you, getting a master's or getting married?"
Yup, he ACTUALLY said that. Funny thing is, the school I went to for my master's degree was a Christian school too... perhaps since it was non-denominational, he was worried for my soul...?
I'm very happy to say that the church I am a part of now is totally not like this list. There ARE churches like that out there, folks - you just have to look a little harder for them!
I think now you need to add a point for getting this post emailed to you by your married friends... :)
ReplyDeleteYou forgot #41 Jon.
ReplyDelete41. You've ever been encouraged to read "Stuff Christians Like" post #550 because it's written by a guy who appears to be sympathetic towards singles which sounds nice, but is really exactly what we DON'T want.
:)
Please write about the "marrieds-without-kids". At least 4 or 5 posts here have shown an interest in it, me included.
ReplyDeleteThat's it! I'm going out on a limb!
ReplyDeleteI just read someone's post about marrying the wrong person. While it is absolutely true that you can marry someone that is just plain rotten and abusive and all that, I think that Western culture puts way to much emphasis on "the right one."
By the time that my wife and I had been married for a year and a half, we had been separated for one year, and both of us had had affairs. I share this not because I want it to be something that everyone knows, but I want everyone to know that the issues that you have in relationships are a direct product of your heart, and the heart of your mate.
At any point, had I walked in the way God has asked me, my marriage probably could have been spared the affairs and the separation. But that would have required me to have been truly humble, selfless, and strictly obedient. Had my wife, at any point, obeyed God, she could have probably prevented these events as well. But both of us were walking far from the Lord, taking scripture out of context to support our arguments, and rejecting Christ's callings.
To some extent, we still work through what has happened in our marriage. Even though God was very good to us and has saved us from our own desires, there is still a lot of clean-up to do.
I said that to say this: Almost always, the problem is with your heart, not the heart of others. Two people, walking in faith, can have a wonderful marriage regardless of any number of variables.
This might be by far one of my favorite SCL posts. Mostly because I can relate to it the most and it made me laugh so hard I almost snorted Earl Grey tea up my nose.
ReplyDeleteI didn't even bother adding up my score, because I hate math, so in a nutshell, my favorites (and most often heard/experienced) are: #5, 6, 12, 23, 27, 31, 34, and 35.
I'm single and almost 25, with no immediate/impending plans to get married any time soon. While I am surrounded by a flurry of people getting married left, right, and sideways (seriously...5 weddings in the next month and a half), I have managed the bouquet-dodging successfully and am staging my silent "single person pride march" by going to every wedding without a date (except one, where I am someone else's date). At the last wedding a week ago, the usher looked at me and asked quietly, as if embarrassed, "Is it just you, then?" It was and so I got sat at the end of a row with a bunch of strangers, in direct sunlight where everyone else was comfortably under the tent, in the shade. Such love.
On the church end, I am fortunate enough to attend a church which hasn't been dumb enough to start a singles ministry (I heard that years ago, they had one but no one wanted to go, so they ditched it...wise people). I wish I had great stories about all the mania of singles ministries (aka the Christian meat markets), but I don't. So I'll just laugh at everyone else's.
Also, you missed the one about the newly married couples who have an internal homing device (must be on a special registry that only other married couples can see) that directs them to sit in front of single people in church, and then proceed to paw at each other the entire service (rubbing backs, hair-playing, hand-holding, giggling/whispering). If anyone needs to be quarantined, it's sure not singles...it's those randy newly married couples who apparently have no concept of the time and place for excessive affection (hint: it's not a pew).
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard #5 and #6...seriously, I could pay off my student loans and buy a house. In fact, I think I should start charging people every time they direct comments such as #5 and #6 at me. And then swiftly leg sweep them and walking away, chortling.
"Ring by Spring" is all the rage at bible colleges.
ReplyDeleteI'm 26, single, and am on staff at the church. That just makes for a BAD combination. On slow days (the VERY few we have), our Administrative Assistant likes to take out past directories and show me all the singles that met at our church and are now married. She then goes through the latest one and points out the single ladies that "I should talk to next Sunday." To make matters worse, we are currently in the marriage series, so the topic has been the buzz around the office. I've heard the senior pastor say several times that I "really need to pay attention during this series." I'm the only single person on staff, so I'm always the one one that gets interviewed for a "single person's perspective".
ReplyDeleteJon, just . . . thank you.
ReplyDeleteAnd the comments are great!
How many points do I get for not even caring enough to read the entire article? Single and happy. I don't get riled up by anything anyone says, does, or crazy looks I may or may not get. When God is ready He'll deliver someone to me - or not. Either way I'm good.
ReplyDeleteI got a 53. (not counting the thousands from #6) And I'm one of those dreaded young adult, single, divorced folks that no one knows what to do with. And obviously because I'm over 22 I should now lead the college age group. Oh, yeah, and because I'm divorced but don't have kids I should also do all of the work for the divorced folks.
ReplyDeleteI go to a mega-church that only recently started a young adult ministry, which is somehow supposed to take care of everyone from post-high school to 45. At 45 they can start going to the actual singles ministry.
My favorite is when people try to convince me that I don't need to tell potential mates that I'm divorced. It is much better that they find out as a surprise upon engagement according to these well-wishers.
And I love that because I'm only 25 and divorced, I can't possibly know anything about being single or about being divorced.
So as someone who has experienced being single, being unhappily married, and also being divorced, I can honestly tell you that none of the above are what define me.
My calculator only goes to 8 digits.
ReplyDeleteOh the pain of being single and in church. Jon, you are right on. You missed the meat market feel that many singles groups have. I was 23 and walked into a singles class at church. I was totally creeped out by the 40+ year old men that were too awkward to do anything but sit and stare from afar.
ReplyDeleteMy old church had 3 singles groups- college/20's, 30/40's, and seniors. At 30, I don't really fit in anywhere since the 30/40 class is always full of 40's.
Thank goodness for my current church that doesn't categorize people!
really good sermon for singles
ReplyDeletehttp://hv.thevillagechurch.net/sermons?kw=single&type=sermons&match=any
loved it!
I've been away at school attending a church of mostly college students, young professionals, and young marrieds for the last four years, so I've been sheltered from all this - now I'm back at home in a combined college student/young professional group (all unmarrieds, of course) . . . with an ex and his family there. Just waiting for all this to hit me.
ReplyDeleteI stopped counting at 50.
ReplyDeleteAnd to all you married-no-kids, hey, you're my favorite people to hang out with at church, we understand each other's alienation :). And truly, for all the tactless things said to me as a single, they're nothing compared to the cr*p said to the married-no-kids crowd.
I would add a few:
Someone's said you must be called to be a missionary since you're still single
You've hit that horrific moment in life when all the sudden people stop saying things like, "You're young, it'll happen," "Don't worry, it'll happen," and start saying, "Maybe God's called you to be single."
Someone tries to teach you about God giving people the "Gift of Celibacy." It's not a gift.
Not only do your married friends drop you, they are constantly telling you about someone you should really be friends with - becaue you're both single, and have nothing else in common.
Not only do you stay home on Mother's day, your church starts a new ministry for "women who have experienced sorrow related to infertility, still-birth, miscarriage, or post-abortion issues," and you realize that you don't even rate a consolation prize.
Every time you talk about an activity/hobby and you get a dramatic sigh and someone tells you how they wish they had the time to do those things, but with the kids, etc., etc.
And, thanks to @Stacy from Louisville for a great reminder of the last one: "Ignore the pressure, singles. Being married has its issues, too." Having to listen to married people tell you how much being married sucks and what trouble children are. Someday I'll get the courage to say, "I'm so sorry your husband/children are such a burden to you. I'll be happy to start praying that God will take those thorns away. Then you can enjoy all those hobbies you've wanted to try."
How about THIS?!
ReplyDeleteI WAS or AM the proverbial single cat lady.
There was a point at which I passed that time of waiting and I couldn't resist - I had to have a cat.
I got a kitten, but then he needed a companion.
I was living in a studio apartment - pretty small but not too small for a cat lover.
Eventually, I took in another cat just because I loved him so much. THREE cats in a studio apartment, and two of them were some frisky males.
Ah yes - I am not denying it at all.
A single cat lady I was. Eventually I got rid of one the males, then the other.
Then I regretted getting rid of them, and got a new cat to befriend the female I still had, although this time one with no behavior problems, so my neurotic acceptance of cats who run your life was gone.
Then, due to a tragedy, I lost both of those cats.
Later, still single, I went out and found a cat I fell in love with while watching him in his cage at a pet shop.
He is mellow and the perfect pet.
Yes, still the cat lady while single.
I was so cracking up reading that!
RE: the Proverbs 31 woman - I haven't gotten the wearing of fine linen and purple down yet.
I don't want to also be one of those purple hat women!
How about the concept that you are not a complete person if you are single? You need someone to which you can say, "You complete me". As if you're walking around incomplete?
ReplyDeleteAnd this is why we have to redefine "ministry". "Singles ministry"? "Married ministry"? Why can't single/ married/ divorced/ widowed people all study and serve together? (is "ministry" serving others or serving ourselves?)
A lot of "Singles Ministries" are just feeding grounds for people looking for a date. Where's the "ministry" in that?
Which is exactly what this post makes fun of, and why I enjoyed it.
Single, complete, loved-by-God people can worship, serve, love God and love others just as well as anyone else.
(Plus, they have more time on their hands! right??!?!)
On the serious side - it's great to be satisfied because of a relationship with Christ, and having relationships with people that are good, and it helps to be surrounded by soured marriages.
ReplyDeleteMy number is so high...I think I scored "infinity" in the 36 years I've been an adult Christian, and that's not counting the ones you didn't list...
ReplyDeleteIf one more person tells me, a still-single-because-I'm-waiting-for-God's-choice woman of 55 (I know God's timing is perfect, but His timetable is so often not our own!) that "Jesus is Your Husband/Bridegroom", I will belt him/her (lovingly, but then again, Jesus used a whip when cleansing the temple, and He was sinless, and Love In Person!) with a bible open to the scriptures that provide CONTEXT for some often horribly misapplied & misinterpreted verses... In Isaiah 54:5 when it says "Your Maker is your Husband", it is addressed to CORPORATE Israel, not some lonely single lady...!!! And Jesus is not a swine like Solomon with a harem full of "brides/wives"... He only has one Bride, the corporate church, and we're only betrothed at this point; the wedding doesn't take place until the end of the book of Revelation!
Then I will say, "Oh, really, do you ever tell single _men_ that Jesus is their husband, too?" (or their wife.. the symbolism is just as warped!)
Besides, if the "Jesus is an individual's spouse" equation is true (which it isn't!), then Christians who are married would logically be committing adultery against Jesus, their "Bridegroom/Husband/"Wife!"
The other thing I hate is when the church speaks out of both sides of its misguided mouth: To married people: "Marriage is God's greatest earthly gift" (I believe that with all my heart, by the way), which of course they extol in great and often lately way too-juicy detail. But to singles, they lay on the guilt trip: "You are automatically lustful and sinful and ungrateful to God if you are still single and want to get married. Be content with Jesus." (I know He's supposed to come first, but He's also the one Who invented marriage!) These words usually come from 1) married people who don't have to practice what they preach, 2) folks with the true spiritual gift of celibacy who are called to permanent singleness & wouldn't be happy married to anyone, or 3) bitter souls who have sadly experienced awful relationships in the past.
On being content: If you know God has called you to the mission field, but it's not His timing yet and you are currently still in school, or a janitor somewhere, or whatever, praying & preparing for the eventual fulfilment of God's calling on your life, you can have a certain contentment & rest in your current situation, knowing that you are preparing and God is working behind the scenes to bring it to pass in HIS time... but you would also have a discontent in the sense that you aren't yet living in the calling.... Likewise, I know my calling includes someday being the wife of a godly man... I am content that God has His perfect time, but that doesn't mean I need a guilt trip from anyone for looking forward to the fulfilment of that part of my calling! ~ Shalom, everyone!
15 points.
ReplyDeleteHere's one I've gotten far too frequently: people skipping to the "Do you have any kids?" question, before asking if I'm even married or not! Um, no, not yet. As much as I babysit, help in the church nursery and generally enjoy kids, I can wait for my own. Also to be married: it will happen. I pray for my future husband, and I pray for God to help me use this time of singleness as He wants me to, which right now includes mission trips, volunteering, hobbies, and being with friends and family.
Good post, thanks!
incredible! I do hate being a single at church. The thing I hate most is going home to visit my parents. The first question every one of their church friends asks is if I am dating anyone and if I am planning to get married. It annoys me so much. I have so many other things going on in my life but all they want to know is if/ when I am getting married. I am more interested in getting a dog than a husband....
ReplyDeleteYour church's single ministry is really a meat market, I mean dating service = +2.
ReplyDeleteREALLY fun to read both the blog and the comments. I got married in my late 20's while some of my best friends got married right our of high school and others within a couple of years. My pet peeve was at every wedding someone would say to me "So when is it going to be your turn?" I wanted to say "WHY would you ask that question to someone who isn't even dating?" and then even when I was (but not engaged) they would ask it which would then embarass both of us. Then it seemed like the minute we got married it was "When are you guys having kids?" Then when I got pregnant it was rude comments about the size of my stomach...guess it never ends huh? "-)
ReplyDelete@Jubilee
ReplyDeletePreach it, sister! :)
Very well put.
Ash- Your last point was dead on. I've heard that many times. I think it's something that married people say when they don't know what else to say. To all the married folks, don't feel bad if your grateful for your spouse and kids! You don't have to complain about it to make single people feel better. I LOVE it when a married couple is happily in love and proud of their kids. It shows how grateful they are to God for what He's given them. I hope that when I get married I will be just as grateful to have the person God has for me by my side.
ReplyDeleteJubilee- Your points were excellent. I know that God wants us to have that divine discontent when we feel He's promised us something. Whether it be a job, a mission field, and yes, marriage! In our cynical society, faith is seen as a weakness not a strength. So to all of us out there who are single...have faith that the same God who raised the dead is MORE than capable of bringing you the person He's got for you to marry. At least that's what I'm choosing to believe :)
i stopped counting when I got to 50. this is my favorite post of yours ever. ever. ever.
ReplyDeletethank you. as a 29 yr old single woman, it made my day.
did i say thank you?
Brooke
spokenfor.xanga.com
@ Elisabeth: I don't think every single makes marriage an idol, but it sure is easy to do, especially when you have waited for adult decades. And our God IS a jealous God... with good reason. God had to deal with me severely about that about 11 years ago,(I had never even realized I was doing it,) and I took a 7 year break from anything having to do with men, friendship-wise, relationship-wise, even the "wanting" part. I do believe part of the best foundation for marriage is for God & single to deal with as many idols as possible before that special relationship even starts, but I agree, I don't think He automatically "delivers" the "perfect" {and who of us is perfect?!} desired mate the moment one has repented...
ReplyDeleteMy parents met at a Christian singles group, which was actually a welcoming community of friends that had fun together and grew spiritually and are still in contact today. Yes, many of them ended up getting married, but that wasn't the point of the group--the point was to have good fellowship, and that part has continued to the present. I think it was so successful because they formed the group on their own initiative, and didn't let it be steered by some older married person at a church. In fact, I believe it was non-denominational, welcoming any young-ish Christian single in the city of Sioux Falls, SD. I share this just to point out that some singles groups can be edifying communities.
ReplyDeleteMany of the same can be said for "Married couples without kids". My wife and I have been married for almost two years and have no immediate plans to have kids (at least I don't... who knows what REALLY goes on inside the mind of a woman without kids). Our kind are like the leper colony of the married home groups. #30 is very applicable to the MCWOK's (as I like to refer to us). It sounds so much better than DINK (Double Income No Kids)... and since my wife is currently unemployed would that make a whole new category "SINK"?
ReplyDeleteAs if it weren't weird enough being single, now its as if being married without kids is some sort of crime. We're given smug responses like "you'll understand when you have children" or "you wouldn't have time for that if you had kids" etc.
WV: "MCWOK" (Pronounced Mick-Walk, like a McDonald's-Magic Wok Combo)- Married Couple(s) Without Kids.
In September, everyone in my group of friends from college will be married (mostly to other people in the group) EXCEPT for myself and two other friends that are women in full-time ministry.
ReplyDeleteMy brother is currently 27 and single and is always getting comments/set up by my family members, but they don't even attempt that with me because they think I'm either a nun or taking a few years off from dating while I "do my Christian thing". Awesome.
I'm on staff with a college ministry, and during a recent staff conference, this sweet little old lady told a table of us single women that she was so "challenged" by us, because she got married right out of college and didn't think she had what it took to do ministry as a single woman. Aww... thank you. That makes it feel much better.
I must confess, every time there's something on SCL that references being single, I pass it on to my single Christian friends, thinking they'd get a kick out of it. They're good sports, but I'm never entirely sure that they aren't offended and just wouldn't tell me...
ReplyDeleteNot to disregard that this post is meant for singles, but wow Armchair Housewife and Anon at 6:02 AM - my thoughts exactly!
ReplyDeleteAs a 30-something-married-no-kids-not-by-choice, I particularly hate it when people try to minimize my situation by telling me that "It will happen someday." Do they know something I don't? I can imagine this is also frustrating for singles.
Thanks for this post. The comments really help me to learn how be more understanding toward my single brothers and sisters.
Jon, I just wasted nearly 45 minutes at work reading this post and comments. Ah, but it was worth it!
ReplyDeleteSamm... Wow. I nearly peed my pants.
Also, I am a faithful attendant of our "College & Career" group at my church. We actually like the idea of being "intergenerational" (one of the buzzwords around our church), but every time we try and do something and invite the whole church, no one seems to get it. "But, isn't it just for college kids/singles/young adults???" Um, why are you pushing the intergenerational thing and then treating us like we're insane when we actually DO something intergenerational? Sigh...
I've heard "If you stop looking for love, you'll find it" or one of its variants too many times to count. More from family (who also go to the same church) than most other church members, though.
ReplyDeleteNumber 5 is what I hear all the time. I think they truly just can't understand why someone as strikingly beautiful, gifted, smart, godly, funny, and generous as me is not married. Hmmm. :-)
ReplyDeleteI have many friends and it makes no difference to me as to their marital status. My closest friends span the continuum of age, working or not, marital status, number and ages of kids, etc.
All that to say, I've never felt the need to be part of a singles group. I'm all about hanging out with people because they make me laugh, love me well, and point me to Christ.
Thankfully, while my church is very family oriented, I've not often felt "left out." When I feel that way, it's usually something from within myself, not something that others have said or done to make me feel that way.
I did have one woman tell me numerous times that she didn't get married until she was 36. (Oh there was hope for me yet). Well, now that I'm 38...
Oh, and one more thing, where is the support for the 30-40 yr old single man or woman who desires children? Folks don't think of single people as struggling with infertility, but we do. We do.
how about "your church has no singles ministry because you're the only single and the pastor has hinted that you should start some sort of group like that but he's embarrassed to call you that to your face so you have to tell him what it is he's trying to tell you" that's worth at least 3 points, right?
ReplyDeleteor, "you're single so you automatically should be helping out with the high school youth group" how many points do i get for that.
i dread the day a single guy shows up at our church (sure, i want to get married, but i'm stubborn and even if he was the man of my dreams, i'm pretty sure I wouldn't date him just to spite everyone).
Thought I'd post part of the e-mail I sent Jon. It's like a timeline, but is based on people in church's reaction to you at the age you get married. It's not meant to offend anyone rather it's meant to be a little tongue in cheek. Hope you enjoy:
ReplyDeleteAnd since SCL really likes to provide opportunities for self evaluation, please use this handy timeline to determine where you’re at and what you’ll face if you continue to deny God’s call to married life:
17 or younger: Too young, unless you were born in the 50’s or one of THOSE states
18-19: We feel uncomfortable, but hey you’re married and the baby will be legit
20-21: Great age to wed, particularly if you’re going blue collar
22-23: You met the love of your life in college – we’re so happy for you
24: We were starting to get nervous, but you didn’t let us down
25-27: Well, at least you got the hint, it just took a little nudge
28-29: OK, you really had us scared. You may be a late bloomer, but all will be forgiven if you start popping out babies right away
30-33: We’re holding a special prayer meeting backstage on Sunday mornings just for you
34-35: Don’t be surprised to see your name and availability in the church bulletin from time to time
36-39: YOUR BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS ALMOST DONE TICKING – DON’T DELAY!!!
40-44: I’d like you to meet (Harry/Jane). He/she only has 2 children and they’re fairly well behaved
45-49: Have you ever thought about mail order? They do spouses
50+: If you’d gotten married sooner, you too could be looking for your second or third lifemate (after all, we’re more comfortable with people who rushed it, got divorced, and then remarried – it’s like they succeeded twice!)
59 points. 47 if you don't count #6. Oh the joys of being single!!
ReplyDeleteI'm with Thursday: #38--I've had people tell me the opposite, that I'm pretty much overlooking the provision of God by NOT joining eHarmony.
I quit keeping score when I felt the need to have my co-workers hide sharp objects from me.
ReplyDeleteLet's just take the following statements that I have personally been told and file them under "A" for Awkward.
- Don't look for the right one - be the right one. (Apparently I am the wrong one right now.)
- Where were you when I was single? (Probably avoiding the creepy guy who forgot he was married.)
- God is your husband. (Really? Can I be His stay-at-home wife?)
- Better to marry than to burn... (Yes, but is it better to encourage me to marry the next man that walks by than to acknowledge that it's hard to stay pure?)
My favorite is surviving staff meeting after a single man has visited the church, or the mortifying sales pitch from the pulpit. "If you're single, we've got a girl on staff who'd like to meet you." How many points would that get me PER OCCURENCE!!?!! :p
Was also asked how I could lead my home group of married and single people through the Fireproof Marriage series. I simply replied, "Some of the best coaches, weren't necessarily great players." :)
If you're divorced, people argue over whether or not you can get married again. If you're divorced due to infidelity, you're fine because that's in the Bible, but any other reason?
ReplyDelete(divorced due to domestic violence. Can't tell you how many times I've heard "Just keep him in prayer and God will bring him back to you")
Ok, so I'm only 21, but still have people constantly asking me if I'm dating anyone.
ReplyDeleteLast summer I was interning for the youth pastor at a church, and his wife would constantly ask if I was dating anyone, and when I answered 'no' she would proceed to tell me she knew of lots of guys she could fix me up with, like being single at age 20 was unfathomable and horrible.
not only did a married friend forward this to me, but included the comment that there were a lot of single people commenting on it. maybe one of the commentors is my "ONE"!
ReplyDeleteI scored a 38
ReplyDeleteI might mention, that Paul had to be married at some point to have been a member of the Sanhedrin, so to say he was "never" married would be wrong.
My wife and I got married early. She was 19 and I was 21. I don't think most people knew what to think. We kept insisting that there was no baby, and then there actually was no baby, but I think the first 9 months of our marriage was watched closely, or should I say that my wife's waist line was watched closely.
ReplyDeleteThere are approximately two couples that married in 2007 when they were 21 and 19. The other couple is in Uganda. We go into newly wed groups only to be disappointed by all the old people who just got married. Good for them and all, but we are still getting tattoos and planning road trips.
Then, as if those old newly-weds weren't boring enough, they have their first kid on their first wedding anniversary.
If anything, my wife and I love the singles and hope that they stay that way because, so far, we are the only newly wed couple that has managed not to become total isolationists. We sometimes tell our single friends, "You and I are just alike. Except I get to have sex with someone and talk about it at church and when I do have sex, it is pleasing to God. Other than that, we are just alike."
30 pts.
ReplyDeleteOur church went from me being the only single person there, to now having many young single people...and last summer our pastor asked all the single people to raise their hands and then to come to the front of the church and hold hands in a circle so he could pray for us. I declined. ;)
@ andrew re: navigators. i believe it's "navigators, never daters, but when they date, they date crusaders".
ReplyDeletedon't worry, i'm about to calculate my points soon. 'cause you know, i'm not married so i have time to do stuff like that.
Okay, so...is it okay to hate being single? At least a little? Sometimes I get the impression that it's not okay to hate your singleness, that you have to sit and wait patiently with a big ol' smile on your face until God brings someone into your life, that this is supposed to be an exciting time of anticipation and preparation.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, being single sucks sometimes. I'm willing to wait for the right guy, but do I always have to enjoy the waiting process?
Score: 40 (give or take #6)
ReplyDeleteMy favorite is when people look at my PARENTS and say, "Wouldn't it be great if we could just clone [fill in the blank with the current good-looking, successful, married guy's name]___?"...and then your parent's AGREE.
True Story: A man at my church thinks it is funny every time he sees me, to ask, "Where is your boyfriend?" - even though he knows I am single. I have started responding by asking him where is boyfriend is...we don't play that game much anymore.
#23: Good ol' "Single Awareness Day" or "Die-A-Little Inside Because of Every Couple You See Today Day"
ReplyDeleteYou're a minister and every new person that comes to the church asks "Where's your wife?", you explain, and then they say "Can a minister be single?" = 2 Points
You're a single minister who wears a "True Love Waits" or "Purity" ring, and the same conversation above happens 73% more often because people assume it's a wedding ring. = 5 points
You're a single minister and someone raises an opposition to you being ordained because you're not "the husband of one wife". = 2 points
27 + endless count for #6.
ReplyDeleteYou forgot "If your hairdresser has tried to set you up with another client's son...while that client is still there...while that client already has his business card out to pass on." Guess that's better then the hairdresser trying to set me up with her mormon brother...again...
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ReplyDeleteCharlotte: I think it's okay to hate it sometimes. Sometimes, it genuinely sucks. When the ENTIRE PLANET is telling you that you are incomplete as a single person, it can be really hard not to feel lonely and left out. Especially if you ARE lonely and left out. So, yeah, sometimes it sucks and you can hate it.
ReplyDeleteJust don't be in that place all the time. Hating where you are can lead to desperation and very bad choices. I'm learning (in an entirely unrelated lesson to singleness) to start asking myself "Why?" when I realize I'm hating something. What is it that's bugging me? Sometimes, it's genuinely something that should be bugging me. Sometimes it's an attitude that has become habit or a lie that I've believed. So, try and at least make the hating turn to a little soul searching. Hmm... I suddenly feel like pulling out the cheesy cliche about making lemonade...
Anyway, I'd tell you that once you stop looking, you'll find him, but... I haven't been looking for a while and no lightning bolt has hit me! :)
I think many of these can apply to married without children...
ReplyDeletemy brother got his gf preggers and i have a beautiful nephew now. im single, and gotta ask how many points this is worth: his gf now acts like im the ignorant kid. she's 18. im 32.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. However, it is sad that these unfair expectations from the world, our church, our families, our peers never really end.
ReplyDeleteIf you are single you must be married.
If you are married you must have one child, two children, three children, four children
okay that is enough children)
If you have children you must teach in the children's/youth department.
(it doesn't matter if you like children...all parents like children)
The list never ends.
I got a 50, if you're 32 and single in my church you're a lost cause because you're either gay (which they would never say out loud) or a lost cause. Either way by the time you hit 30 they give up on you and just stop trying.
ReplyDeleteMy younger sister is reaching 30 and is noticing more and more people becoming distant. At the age of 32, I'm used to it and if they say anything it's because I work too much.
I just wanted to jump on the MCWOK bandwagon! My husband and I have been married for five years and have no real plan to have children. And marrieds with kids always seem personally offended when they ask when we're going to start "trying" and I tell them "never." Why does everyone else want you to make the same life choices they have made? By the way, when did it become okay for other couples to ask about our sex life? Everytime someone asks me if we are "trying," I want to respond, "are you asking if we are having unprotected sex?" just to shut 'em up. I always cringe when people ask me about it because I know other women my age who aren't able to conceive, and I think about how painful those "when are you guys going to have some babies?!" questions are for them.
ReplyDeleteMost of my friends have kids or are about to have kids; they all seem to believe that experiencing childbirth is the secret to Godly wisdom and pity me for my lack of understanding.
Also, if you are getting these "WHEN WILL YOU HAVE A BABY" freak-outs from your mother or mother-in-law, here is the secret to stopping them: Tell her, "Everytime you ask me when we are going to have a baby, I am going to add six months to the day we decide to have one." I told my mom that in 2006 (when we were still thinking about maybe having kids one day) and she hasn't asked me since. (I've even heard her say "oh, my daughter really wants to wait until the timing is just perfect before they start their family!" in that very-smug-mother fashion.)
Okay, I've already commented once, but I thought of more...
ReplyDeleteAs a single mom I've had the comment, "Let me know if you ever need a babysitter... like if you want to go on a date or something." How about just offer to babysit so I can clean my house?
I'm thinking of pretending to have a boyfriend in another city. But would that be lying? Darn! It was such a good idea!
Honestly though, the comments from people at church don't usually bother me. Most of the time they're pretty amusing. But there are some awkward moments. Like the woman that wanted to hook me up with her 42 year old son. (I'm 28.) So he's WAY older than me and he has three kids by three different ex wives, he doesn't have a job, and he lives with relatives. Wow. Do I look that desperate? (Thankfully he doesn't go to our church, but his mom does.)
Oh, and then there are the occasional single guys that visit the church. The ones that assume that since I'm single, I must be desperate and completely in love with them. I can usually give them The Look and they usually stop visiting the church. Not trying to chase people out of church, but if the only reason you're there is to stare at me and give me stupid grins all through the service, please leave!
Okay, I feel better now... :)
One of the questions I was asked during my interview to obtain my license to preach: "How did you make it through 4 years of Bible college, and not end up married?" My answer, "They're all psycho."
ReplyDeleteI also never attended any pastors retreats as the invitations always had some reference to fellowship time for pastor's wives and apparently they had nothing available for single women with credentials.
Then there's the strangeness of coming across an old friend of the family that you haven't seen in years and they asked if I was engaged to my boyfriend. Ummm. . . I broke up with him over a year ago, thanks.
But my most recent favorite came from a well meaning lady in my church that decided I needed some encouragement. She told me of a friend of hers that was recently married after having been single for a long time. Her friend is in her late 70's. Too bad I didn't know about the leg sweep back then.
GREAT post Jon! Some I can't relate to, but many I can, esp #34 - but you also should've included "Jesus was single".
ReplyDeleteHowz 'bout...
If you are a single man over 40 and the word "creepy" pops up (of course, never to your face): +10pts
If you are a single man over 40 and the word "gay" pops up (again, never to your face): +10pts
@Charlotte
ReplyDeleteYes, you can hate it. Even while appreciating the advantages, I hate it. And even while striving for contentment, sometimes I still hate it.
@Jenn
Love the set up story - could have a whole other post on those. My favorite was the guy who had been with so many women who, um, kept leading him into sin. They thought I would good for him.
@The Repurposing of Betsy
Oh yes, the 'encouraging' anecdotes. I'm not sure I can beat yours, but I get a lot of "And he/she did not get married until they were 30 (or 32, or 35)!!" I'm in my 40s.
Great post (and comments).
ReplyDelete@ash-- I agree, the MWOKs are my favorite folks to hang out with too.
Has anyone else ever gotten the Proverbs 31 break up line ("you know, I've really been praying about it, and you're just not Proverbs 31 enough for me")? Leading, of course to another season of enjoying (or not) the 'gift of celibacy.' True story.
Just wanted to say... When I "found" my husband (met him) I was totally into another guy that had come to the same party (who wasn't into me at all). It took months for my husband to ask me out(I was 28),and by the way, at that point I WAS still looking/wanting a husband. The whole thing about "the second you stop looking..." thing is a bunch of malarky. I think people just say that because they don't want single people to be in pain. If they aren't looking, they aren't in pain, right? (right.)
ReplyDeleteHow many points do you get for one of the pastors introducing you(deliberately and with intent) to single men?
ReplyDeleteso...I can't help but notice that there have been a lot of comments by a lot of single people...so...if we're all single...and we're all SCL commenters...whats the over/under in months before an SCL-commenters wedding? I mean, given the power of the internet and cars with better and better gas mileage, it seems not entirely implausible. I say 22 months, to add up a whirlwind romance, planning, any cross-country moves that may need to take place to overcome geography etc. Any takers?
ReplyDeleteAnd if it happened, would Jon speak at their wedding?
since the Married With Kids seems to be becoming the ruling class, I just wanted to add that the MWK can be lonely too. I think none of us has "arrived" as much as we (or others) think we have.
ReplyDeleteOh, I remember the single days. Too funny. Now that I'm one of the "marrieds" I experience some of the same sort of hazing from our "married with kids" friends. Does it ever end?
ReplyDeleteI tried adding up the points, but I lost count. Great list and comments! I'd have to add a few others, though:
ReplyDelete- You happen to sit next to a single guy in church or say "hello" to him in passing, and have to spend the rest of the month answering questions from the entire church about his availability and hearing how he'd be just perfect for you.
- Your pastor preaches through a passage on singleness, and manages to turn it into a sermon on marriage (not sure how that happens, but I've seen it done!)
- You figure out alternate entrances/exits at church to avoid the people who ask you EVERY Sunday about when you're going to get married, because, you know, things change that quickly (haven't actually done this one yet, but I'm seriously tempted!)
Hey, Anonymous (at 3:44 PM), I can go you one better... At my last church, not only did the pastor introduce me to a single fellow in such a way that I realized what the pastor was so obviously "up to", but he introduced me to the guy using my correct first name and _the guy's_ last name instead of my own! (Maybe he was trying to apply that verse about "calling those things that are not as though they are..." ;-)
ReplyDeleteA story:
ReplyDeleteMy denomination has published a weekly magazine for decades, which is generally unremarkable but inoffensive in its content. Several years ago the cover story was on singleness. The content seemed mostly reasonable, but there was a sidebar to the main article that was a list of "Tips for Relating to your Single Brothers and Sisters." Tip #1?
Don't automatically assume a single adult is after your spouse.I hold out hope that this isn't actually indicative of the mindset of the average married person in the church family...
M. Roehrich - Why not just ask Jon to set up a dating service? (ESCLHarmony?) That would be at least as terrifying as anything else we've found to talk about today.
#6 is soooo not biblical, and people say that all the time! like there are no discontent married people.
ReplyDeleteI lost count of my score, couldn't find my calculator...
I think you might want to consider a SCL dating service.
Or maybe we could all rotate churches.
"Have you ever considered being a missionary?"
ReplyDelete"As soon as you are content being single, it will happen..."
Everyone is more aware than you are that a new, single guy began attending the church...
"It's great that you are single-you can do so much more for God."(Married peoples' excuse for dumping all the work on you.)
"You are going to 'find' that special someone soon" (Is he lost?)
so..
ReplyDeletesingles don't want to be excluded from the "main" church, but yet are outraged when the church doesn't have a "Single Again Guys 30-33 w/ 1.5 kids" class?
Man, I don't miss leading in the singles group one bit! Everybody's angry about something: not getting in the right group, not having the right group, the group isn't doing what they need, "don't put me in a group" group, she said this, he said that, etc, etc, etc.
I was proud to be part of a singles ministry that had really invested and figured it out for about 5 great years. Everybody loved the singles group, it was thriving, and the church was committed to supporting whatever worked. So of course, I had to laugh/cry when I heard later there were "big changes" needed b/c of the "outcries". And of course, they made those changes, then of course more changes were demanded, and now they have kept tinkering with it for years, trying to make the masses happy, and it has yet to match the success it had in years past. Singles can't even agree what they want! And even if something works, they want to change it because they are bored with it--hilarious!
I am married, but was heavily involved as a single and I HAVE NOT forgotten what it was like. Yeah, it was no fun at times, sometimes even miserable. But at the same time--I know nobody wants to hear this--some things were much easier. Of course, you won't realize this until you're married.
As a single, just take a peek at the variety of opinions in these comments as to "how singles should be treated" and just maybe you'll understand why its no mystery that nobody is happy with how the church does singles--even singles can't agree on how it should be done! All I'm saying is cut the church a little slack.
Sure, marrieds are mostly insensitive! They usually forget what is was like to be single the minute somebody says "Will you...". Just like you probably forgot what it was like to be in highschool the minute you were in college. So before we hang all the insensitive married people, just wait....5 minutes after you get married you'll probably forget too. All you will remember is mostly the good times.....
Just wait until you can't get pregnant right away and everybody else has kids. Or you don't have a job. Or you don't have the RIGHT job. Or you're divorced. Same situation...lather, rinse, repeat. There's always going to be something that you don't have and you feel like you're being left out.
So, does that mean the church shouldn't do marriage sermons because that doesn't "speak to you"? You should hope not! The marriages in today's churches are Satan's playground. I work with so many men that are CLUELESS when it comes to marriage (include me in that group too) and I see daily examples of how this world devours and perverts marriages!
So single guy/girl, I would hope that you are wearing your fingers raw taking notes during those marriage sermons and I would think you would be on your knees praying that your future spouse is somewhere else in this world doing the same thing.
And as for the "put me in with everybody" guy? Go back to sleep. The last thing I want in biblestudy/small group/sunday school when you are married, have small children, work too long, and are searching for answers as to how to find God's purpose for my life is to get feedback from "I'm single and I don't know who to ask out" guy. And you wouldn't want it either. People tend to be comfortable around people in the same season of life.
Do married people say incredibly stupid stuff that embarass and hurt? Yes. Should they know better? Yes. Should most churches make a better effort serving singles? Of course.
But a dose of new perspective might be needed too.
I had an old guy once say to me, "I still think all beautiful women should have a man," and then realizing he just dug himself into a hole he said, "well, not just beautiful women. Wait, that's not what I mean. All women...." Couldn't dig himself out of that one.
ReplyDelete@Casey and Gina- Thank you. Amen.
ReplyDelete@Ash and Charlotte- I agree that it's okay to hate it, to some extent. Obviously it's not okay to be bitter about it, but it isn't really fun. I'm really happy about some of the things I learned from being single and I'm really ready for it to be over.
@ Everyone who's tired of people thinking their in college or just graduated because they're single: I agree. I have a doctorate, but I'm not a "real" adult unless I can get my MRS.
@ Jubilee- I really like the idea of being happy where you are AND looking forward to where you're going. Sometimes I try hard to be content because I've stopped having faith.
I can't remember who said it, but I've definitely reached the transition point where people have stopped telling me "you have plenty of time". They have moved on to "Well, you never know what might happen."
I scored a 34.
ReplyDeleteVery funny post, Jon. I didn't tally up my score. I hate math. Or at least, that's the reason I'm going with.
ReplyDeleteI moved far away from home after college, partly because of good friends I'd made in another city, and partly because if I stayed in the area, chances were good that anyone I dated might end up being related to me somehow (small town). I've learned to be okay with my singleness, but it bothers me sometimes that other people have such a problem with it. I'm pushing 30 now and have a roomate the same age. No, we're not lesbians. Yes, we've lived together for 5 years. Yes, I'm sure we're not gay. Rent is high.
My Mom told me I think when I was 27 that she was sure that there was a nice widower out there somewhere for me. And my roomate's Mom has told her every year not to worry because she (Mom) didn't get married until she was 29 and tells her every year that "this is your year!"
When I was 20, one of the widows at my church was telling me I had "plenty of time!" before I needed to worry about finding a husband, because she was 19 when she got married. When I corrected her--"But Barb, I'm already 20!"--she got a very concerned look and told me she would start praying very diligently. She then toddled over and shared this important prayer request with the rest of the widows at my church.
ReplyDeleteAs upsetting as it was knowing all the widows were praying daily that "THIS would be the year that the Good Lord would bless you with a husband!" it was so much more upsetting when they stopped. Apparently God can raise the dead, but having graduated from a christian college still single, I will remain single until the rapture.
Oh wow. Reading the comments just takes me back.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a blue collar community where people were expected to marry by 20. And I was one of only a handful of girls who went off to a 4-year college, so I didn't fit the demographic.
On top of that, I was convinced I was too fat, too ugly, and too smart for anyone to want me. (I look back at photos, and now realize I was quite cute. But at the time...) I would wear a ring (say, my high school ring) on my left ring finger and turn it around backwards so it looked like a wedding ring so complete strangers would think I was *not* too fat and ugly for someone to want me.
Yes, I had some sensitivities about being single.
Then, after several summers of going to friends' weddings every single weekend, I changed churches.
My new church was, at the time, about 50% single people -- with a lot of divorced people, because we were apparently one of the few churches that didn't stigmatize divorced folks.
We didn't have a singles group. We had a group for people in their (appx) 20s, and if you got married, you weren't kicked out of the group (as if being married meant you couldn't have friends or fellowship anymore). As a result (I believe), during the 8 years that group existed, there were 42 marriages and, to this date, that I know of, only 1 divorce. And all the newlyweds kept hanging with the singles, and it sort of didn't matter.
And now, many years later, our congregations is probably about 60% single. And we still don't have a singles group. There's a college group, there's a group for 18-25 year olds, there's a group for 22 to 35 year olds (obviously some overlap, so people can find the right place).
On the married side, there's a group for people married 10 years or less -- started not by the pastors or staff, but by young marrieds who wanted to figure out what they'd got themselves into. There's a large group for single parents. And there's a group for parents of young kids (also people trying to figure out what they've got themselves into).
I've heard my single friends rave about what a great church this is to be single at. I've heard my married friends rave about what a great church this is to be married at.
Our pastor goes out of his way to make sure no one feels (ahem) singled out when he speaks. When he talks about sex (every other year or so), he acknowledges how hard it is to be single in L.A., and says, "If you're single, keep your zipper up."
And he warns any predators coming to church to hit on all the pretty young women: You treat the single women here with respect, or you are not welcome. And indeed, I know of some men who were very predatory who have been asked to leave the church. Some of my single women friends have commented how safe this made them feel in an unsafe city.
I've gone on too long... sorry... only to say that I am SO GRATEFUL, reading all these comments, to have been at a church that *didn't* do some of the truly heinous things I'm reading here. Because if it had, I'd still be that really pathetic single woman I was back in the day. (Not saying all singles are pathetic -- not saying that at all -- but *I* was pathetic. Unless everyone rolls their high school ring around backwards to look married.)
...so grateful....
Apparently you hit a nerve.
ReplyDeleteI didn't even bother keeping score. But I DID come up with a few more to add to your list:
41. Your younger sibling's childhood Sunday school teacher phones you and tells you she's praying for you to find a "permanent roommate."
42. Your younger sibling gets married before you and at least five people at the reception say, "How does it feel to have your YOUNGER brother getting married before you?" Another 5 say, "You're next!"
43. On a women's retreat, they play an icebreaker/info-gathering game, in which one of the go-around-the-room questions is, "How did you meet your husband?"
44. In a questionnaire designed to update the church directory, the first blank is labeled "Head of Household," the second is labeled, "Wife" and you're a single woman.
Gotta say, this post and all the comments have been golden!
ReplyDeleteOne of my favourite instances of being "singled out" was at a wedding shower gift opening. The bride got some cool new board game and exclaimed how great it would be to have a couples board game night. She went around the room and invited people, then pointed to me and said, "Oh, wait you can't come!" and then looked at me with sad eyes. Ha!
Another gooder was at a family gathering in which my uncle's ex wife commented on how "funny" it was that my sister (5 years younger than me) got married, and had a baby before I did even though I was older. I gritted my teeth and didn't ask her how "funny" it was to be going through her second divorce.
Ooh! I think I have more of these than I thought! Last summer I was the maid of honour for a friend's wedding and asked if it was okay if I brought a date. She pointed out that I was the only single person in the wedding party and that I couldn't have a date because... where would he sit?!
I think my two favourite conflicting peices of advice: "Take your time and hold out for the right man- a man of integrity, afterall you don't want to be stuck with the wrong person." Vs "Have you ever considered that your standards are too high? You're never going to find the perfect person and you're not getting any younger."
"Maybe if you dressed up and put on some make up more often, you'd find someone."
"I don't understand why you're still single! You're funny, have huge breasts, great legs, and two degrees."
Heh heh, in December I started dating someone and suddenly my facebook wall was scattered with comments about how happy people were that I finally found someone and that they were praying for us. After a week (I kid you not) the first questions on whether or not we had talked about marriage came up. Needless to say, by February, we broke up because there was way, way, WAY too much pressure. Eek.
Since I'm writing a ton, I'm going to write some more: I think sometimes as single people (who are probably pretty sexually deprived- not going to lie), we become hyper sensitive about being single and how people are treating us (or not treating us) and interpret every comment or action as a slight, when it doesn't have to be. My girlfriends and I have turned it into a game of who has heard the funniest thing lately.
As for V-day, sob shmob, pitty shmitty. Each year, we organize a killer dinner out for singles only that requires evening gowns or suits. Usually we go somewhere nice and then end up somewhere else and joke around. It's awesome. I look forward to Valentines every year now!
one of my recent experiences was a 40-something single man in my church bring a mid-30s friend along. before the friend came, the 40-something came to talk to me about him. at the time i was an early 20s single woman, and everything he said to me about his friend was to emphasise that we were BOTH SINGLE and therefore would be best friends and married before you knew it.
ReplyDeletewhen people ask why i'm single i always feel like replying "why, because i'm repulsive and unloveable of course, thanks for bringing it up!"
I actually had the opposite problem from the college/young adult ministry. They didn't start it until I was 25 and they advertised it as 18-24. I decided to go anyway for a while. The problem was that all of the "leaders" were married and starting bringing their children. Soon after I left, they starting being strict on the age limits, then raised it slowly so that one of their leaders would still qualify to be there.
ReplyDeleteIn my church, there is an extreme lack of people near my age (currently 27), and almost none of them single, female, and having a normal personality.
I only got 6 points here, but I do have the benefit of looking younger than my age, and I don't meet many new people because I am so involved in the children's ministry. I usually get more funny comments about me doing children's ministry as a young, unmarried, male with no children (which happens to be the most common demographic description of child molestors).
Some great comments here, but geez, a few people here (you know who you are) REALLY have an axe to grind against single people, especially single men over the age of 30.
ReplyDeleteBeing married doesn't automatically make you some kind of "normal" spiritual giant, and being single doesn't automatically make you a predator, creepy, gay, or odd.
I feel blessed and fortunate that one of my closest friends is a married woman with 2 kids. She and her husband get to see the good stuff and hard stuff in my single life, and I get to see the good stuff and hard stuff in their married-with-kids life.
So, no Anonymous at 4:38pm, not all single people are social cripples who have never seen married people struggle.
"You know, Sarah, if you'd quit looking in all the WRONG places ..." (from a male friend of my parents who knows nothing more specific about me than my name ...)
ReplyDeleteBut my favorite response is the arched eyebrows, pursed lips and wide-eyed look of horror when I declare that I am content being single.
How about when you finally do get together with the one from church everyone was hoping you'd date (the one with whom the older ladies and pastor's wives think you'd make the perfect couple) and gasp! it doesn't work out! Talk about a church divided! The rumors, the scandal! I lived that awkward situation. (we did not stay friends). He even said he started dating me because he felt "pressured". OUCH.
ReplyDeleteHow about the gifted seminary/Bible college graduate who is qualified to be a youth pastor, worship pastor, assistant pastor, lead pastor. . .except that he's not married? What other place other than the church/ministry can you be TOLD, "sorry, you're not married, we can't hire you."
I got married at 30, and I struggled with my singleness since I graduated college. I'm glad I was able to be ""out on my own" for so long and travel, start my career and buy a house, but I always, always wanted to be married.
Ladies only: How many extra points if you've purchased and read books like, "If singleness is a gift. . ." or "How to get his attention" or "Lady in Waiting" from the Christian bookstore? Double points if they were given to you as a gift!
ReplyDeleteI got my very first "Oh, you're such a nice lady, I'm sure the Lord has someone perfect in mind for you" the other day. And I'm only 20.
ReplyDeleteJust two more years of college to find the one! I've got my fingers crossed, but just in case, start praying.
This is not meant to be bitter, but...
ReplyDelete...the next person to tell me, "Don't worry, he's out there!" is getting punched in the throat.
Just kidding.
But seriously...don't say that.
If you have to ask whether you were meant to be single or not, you may be asking the wrong question. What did God creat you for? Are you using your talents and abilities?
ReplyDeleteWhen I was at a Christian college, after asking people their major (yes even those who admitted the MRS degree), I would ask how they intend to use it for God. I constantly got blank stares. Seriously, a degree in ministry is great, but how do you plan on using it for God? I didn't think it was such a tough question.
I am happy to be single, but don't like being alone all the time. Thank goodness for great friends of both genders and all relationship statuses. Many of my friends and family give me a disbelieving look when I talk about a close friend (I, female; he, male) like they expect that if we are both Christians and so emotionally close, a ring must not be far off. Perhaps if one of our closest bonds wasn't our fear of commitment...
Anyone else notice that the Proverbs 31 woman is a hard worker, rarely sleeps, takes care of everything, pretty darn impressive if you ask me, but her husband gets the credit? I want a man who is a helpmate with all that stuff instead of sitting at the gate puffing his chest!
I admit that I am reluctant to try to find a church because I don't want to check any of the boxes where they would try to place me.
Anecdote: My uncle got married later in life. I left the wedding early, but my new aunt sent the bouquet home with my dad! I was 19 at the time, she was 45. She called me later and told me the silk flower bouquet brought her luck as she caught it a few months before meeting her new husband, and I was the only single woman at the wedding (of about 150 people)... MORTIFIED!
My husband used to tell people, "Marriage is the oldest institution known to man and I'm way too young to be institutionalized"!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSo funny!
ReplyDeleteThis past Sunday, my pastor made a comment about people who are single and waiting for a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend. I felt like there was a massive target over my head. There's like 50 people in my church and I'm one of about 4 singles in the church.
how about after you leave the marriage vs. singleness sermon at church and your parents sit you down and say, "honey, maybe you have the gift of singleness!"
ReplyDeleteThat is hysterical, thanks for the laugh... around 239 is my score by the way but question #6 sort of makes a definate number tough. I have heard it so often I activated my brains word filter....
ReplyDeleteAs 18 and single, my score is virtually zero but I am dreading the days when the points pile on. Especially the Proverbs 31 comment. That would burn.
ReplyDeleteMy man and I are in a strange netherland of being neither single nor married -- and, to make things even more complicated, not even engaged!
ReplyDeleteWe've been together for 2 1/2 years and have known since 6 weeks in that we're going to get married. That's never been the issue. However, there have been other circumstances and direct leading from God that have lead us to wait.
That's fine, but we're also, in some ways, very much like a married couple. All our finances are joint (our first big purchase together was a car at 4 months of dating), we make our decisions about things such as jobs and school together, we determine our ministry involvement in conjunction with each other's commitments and schedules, we're very much welcomed into each other's families, and so on.
And yet, we're also distinctly not married, and we don't pretend to be. We're not sleeping together, we don't live together (in "that way"--we both live with his parents, but in separate bedrooms), we're not building a home and a household together yet, although we dream about it and plan for it in every way. We're very open about all that, and, without being preachy, attempt to live transparently enough that people know that we're not a "typical" couple who's been together that long.
We've chosen not to get engaged yet because we thing that an engagement should be just long enough to plan a wedding. There's no date, so there's no ring, and we don't want to be one of those couples who's engaged forever without ever tying the knot. We use the term "betrothed" to define ourselves, since we're far more serious than "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" convey, but that doesn't explain the nuances in one word.
There are people, my mom included, who have a hard time defining us. She has a hard time seeing through the grey area that we live in, in that space between single and married, and understanding that while many people who are in that "in between" live in the morally ambiguous grey area of living together or, at the very least, sleeping together, we're in a grey area that a) is not morally ambiguous, and b) we believe God has put us in very deliberately for a season.
Sure, I can't wait to be married, and we look forward to it with great excitement, but we've had this rich time that God has put us in, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
And when it comes to church, we don't fit into either singles or marrieds ministries--which is why we're involved in ministry based on our gifts, where we can serve and be in community with people who share our passions (in our case, artists), not necessarily a class or small group divided by age. We do identify more with our married friends most of the time, but then again, I graduated from Bridal College 5 years ago without my MRS, and most of my close friends were married several years ago, so we're just catching up now.
Points: 28
ReplyDeleteI decided it would be unfair for me to count points for as many times as I've heard #6.
Is the goal of this exercise to ahve the most points!?!?!
As a single preacher's daughter, almost every church member has introduced me to their son/grandson/nephew/whatever (no lie...one was a good 15 years older than me) in hopes that they will magically solve MY singleness and their male relative's and have a new tie to the preacher. (note: please stop doing that!!! haha)
ReplyDeleteSo hilarious that I stayed up until 2 AM reading all the comments.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I am content to be single... other times I cannot stand it!
The best advice I have heard lately (not directed at me personally, but to all people who struggle with life issues) is that perhaps God is using me to encourage others. I imagine younger singles wondering if they can make it to their wedding day without completely screwing up, then looking at my life and figuring they can make it a little bit longer. Hopefully they're not looking at me and thinking, "I hope I don't end up like HER!"
haha! #11 should be worth more points...and simply thinking #36 should make a person lose all his points and his playstation 2 burn to ash.
ReplyDeletewhat about when your senior pastor preaches against singleness like it's something within your sinful power to control...meanwhile the other pastor eyes you up and down b/c you wore a dress to the knees instead of ankles...meanwhile getting sermons preached to you about the evils of women and how pastors should be respected...oi vey...i need a new church...
ReplyDeleteHow about we all meet up and discuss this topic? Now that would be a great ice-breaker. That's only if you're single, of course.
ReplyDelete@Rob Miller
ReplyDeleteNo, unfortunately it wasn't a joke - but thankfully it wasn't the minister that said it! I think some folk in my church are just more concerned about my single status than I am!
You should absolutely do a post on married couples without kids! My favorite conversation:
ReplyDeleteMIL’s friend: so, what are you going to do after college?
Me: I would love to stay at home, do volunteer work, etc.
MIL’s friend: Being a stay-at-home mom is so much work and just as rewarding as a career.
Me: Ummm…I just want to be a stay at home wife, not mom.
MIL’s friend: Well initially, but soon you’ll want kids.
Me: Nope, pretty sure I don’t. Neither does my husband.
Friend: (shocked look on face, genuine surprise/disgust) OH! Really?! That’s nice.
why is it so difficult for people to fathom that we may not want kids? and that doesn't mean we are crazy? Plus, have you seen people in their 40s/50s who don't have kids? Quite a few less wrinkles!
I realize that people have now stopped reading these comments because I'm a day late, but...
ReplyDeleteI hate when people looked at the little apartment that I used to live in and the townhouse I live in now, and say "well, this is perfect, it's all you need." Um. Just because I'm single doesn't mean that I don't like to have people over to my house for meals and fun and that alot of those people have lots of kids that I have no where to put, and I would like to have more than one family at a time and that I even would like to open my home to overnight guests on occasion and would love to house missionaries or other folks for a few nights or weeks at a time and can't do that in a small space. I hate it when people assume that because I'm single that I just need a one bedroom house with a small eat in kitchen and a place to put a couch. In reality, that IS all I need, in fact MORE than I actually NEED, what I NEED is one small room where I have shelter and warmth, but what they NEED is basically the same thing.
Whew!
To all the dudes out there over
ReplyDelete30. Really?!? Do people really ask if your gay? I've never heard of that (even behind someone's back). In fact, where I'm from all the guys over 30 get a free pass, especially if they are fairly good looking, active, etc. People just figure it's by choice and all that. But all us girls in their late twenties or over 30 who are attractive, have good jobs, etc...well people start wondering what's wrong with us. The line my girls Bible study group gets all the time...your standards are just too high. It doesn't offend us though, we just laugh it off.
Yeah, #33 is true, and it hurt's my heart a little bit! I do think about that one often... we're friends, when I can watch your children so you can take a date night, and then you can come home and talk about how refreshing that was and it's great to be married, and then they look at you with a little pity in their eyes as if they were saying, "You'll get there someday, gipper!" Yes, #33 is true.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was looking for a church I went to one with a HUGE congregation but it had no singles group. The pastor actually addressed it one Sunday saying that they didn't want to separate the singles from the rest of the church and that we should all interact with each other and learn from each other... not be separated into such groups. In the next breath he told us the meeting times of the youth group, divorce support group, women's ministry, men's ministry, and marriage classes. Umm... WHAT?!
ReplyDeleteHard to avoid the bouquet toss when every bride calls you out specifically becuase you're her only single friend left. Then it's just you, the flower girl, the jr. bridesmaid and a 12 year old cousin. Good times.
My personal favorite is what happens to me all the time...
Friend - "I want to set you up with my friend Bob."
Me - "Ok, so you think we'll get along? Is he my type?"
Friend - "Well, I don't know.. but he's single so it can't hurt right?"
Thanks friends for the long hard consideration :)
Uh, singles ministry? We have a kids ministry, a teens ministry and an adult ministry. That's it, and I think that's all there should be. The bible study group I attend is a nice mix of old and young and I enjoy that. Mixing people up helps them remember that not everyone is in the same situation, creating real empathy and not fake sympathy or stereotypes.
ReplyDeleteA great resource for unmarried singles who wish to someday have a godly successful marriage, and even for married couples who wish the same for themselves currently, is a
ReplyDeletebook by Dr. Myles Munroe - "The Purpose and Power of Love and Marriage".
It's a great book, and consistent with the Word of God. It's straight to the point and it doesn't waiver in important issues.
*Also, the Proverbs 31 woman is an exceptional woman. Women should not be intimidated by her. The point is not to be exactly like her in what she does. The point is to see that she cared for her household, and in turn her husband and her household cared for her and respected her. And the fact that "Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land" shows that He also was quite the "proverbs 31 man"! She should not intimidate, she is a catalyst, a motivation for married women to reach their full potential, whatever their full potential may be. We're creative, strong, caring, and with our wisdom we can edify the home. Likewise for men.
The example of Prov.31 woman does not in any way look down on single women.
Single people are not necessarily lonely people. And lonely people are not necessarily single.
If you are single and 'lonely', then ask God to prepare you for the one He has prepared for you. Wait patiently and prayerfully, and disregard the silly comments. He does know the desires of your heart.
If you are single and ok being single. Great, maybe you're called to be single (and you'll know it because you'll be ok with it), or maybe you'll be single for a season, and get married later on.
God's timing is the perfect timing. And God's will is the perfect will. As long as you're doing His will you'll be ok. The point is that you'll be ready for Him to use you for His Glory, single or married. He sees the big picture, while we're just a piece of the puzzle.
Seek His purpose for your life, which is far better than what you imagine! Be who God called you to be! Simple as that! What could be better?!
You're forgetting, of course, about the single people who ARE gay and all the complications that brings up, before and after you come out.
ReplyDeleteYou find that they backpedal pretty fast about finding someone soon.
Sunday School class name at a small church in Louisiana:
ReplyDelete"Spares and Pairs"
I am not even kidding.
So, The saying,"Mabye you just need to stop looking and you'll find the right one," doesn't just apply to you. What I mean by that is, "maybe people need to stop looking for someone for you and then you'll find someone"
ReplyDeletedoes this make sense?
@Carrie YES, people ask about over 30 yo single men being gay, pretty regularly. And I'm not all that particularly in shape. Doesn't matter what you do, it's possible sign of being gay, cause you aren't married. Pastor & wife are convinced they're going to find a wife, even when I'm more worried about details of my next vacation. Friends' PARENTS tell them "how come you haven't found him a wife yet?". Apparently being sociable & involved isn't enough if I'm not married (at least not for everyone). Fun fun fun!
ReplyDeleteTo timely post:
ReplyDeleteI don't think God has someone "prepared" for every lonely single person out there. In the same way, I don't think that just because a single person is ok with being single, they are "called" to single-ness.
I think that a lot of times, single people have to reach a point of feeling ok with being single before they can be completely ready to find a spouse.
John this must be some sort of comment collection record.
ReplyDeleteYou're missing "Your married friends CREATE the e-Harmonly profile FOR YOU and talk to the potential matches" in order to set you up.
I think this topic could almost be its own book. A sequel.
Also, my church was fantastic about making all womens ministry events on weekday mornings with childcare provided. What about single women who have jobs during the week! Apparently we do not get to participate in womens fellowship...since we aren't married and staying home with the kiddos...
@Snoyarc - I'm living the "religious exile," there, too! How about the married woman in your church that has a cow over being put in your small group, because she doesn't want her husband exposed to a "divorced" woman? (True story) Maybe she thinks I should live outside the camp like an OT leper!
ReplyDelete