A lot of people call this "prayer voice." This is the gentle, hushed voice that ministers and worship leaders and humans often take when they step on stage and want to break it on down. It kind of reminds me of when rapper LL Cool J made the song, "I need love." He went from rough and tough songs to singing "I'll give you a rose, pull out your chair before we eat, kiss you on the cheek and say ooh girl you're so sweet."
Uncle L, what are you doing to me? But I understand why we do it at church. It's a trigger to let you know things are about to get serious. Can you feel me? Do you know what I'm talking about? It's time to let go and let God. To open your arms. He knows you only drink coffee at midnight, when the moment is not right and your timing is quite, unusual.
I can't do it, every time I try to use the whisper of importance I break into song lyrics. I'm just not good at the whisper of importance. But fortunately, I have mastered these four other popular church voices:
1. The C.S. Lewis Voice
I believe that every C.S. Lewis quote should be spoken with an Irish accent. (I confess, I thought he was British at first.) Seriously, if you and I are talking, I don't want you to just roll out some C.S. Lewis like you're from down the street. I want a thick, cool sounding Irish accent.
2. The Phone Voice
My dad was like a ninja master at this. He could switch from yelling "You kids stop hitting each other with bricks" in a frustrated tone to happy pastor phone voice in about 1 second. "Hello? Hey Thomas, blessings to you brother, blessings indeed." OK my dad doesn't say those exact words when he answers the phone, but he does know how to answer it happy, just like me. I too am a pro at this.
3. The Bless Their Heart Voice
I wrote a post on this once. This is where you gossip about someone and then pretend that saying "bless their heart" at the end of your tirade makes it OK. It's kind of a soft, happy accent and goes like this: "Well, they found him nude in the fountain down at city hall. He's a drunk and a crazy man and I think that Alf tattoo he got that covers his back is going to be something he regrets. Bless his heart though."
4. The Judgement Voice
This one is complicated and best executed in a one on one situation. See, when I am verbally judging someone, I like them to feel the heat, to kind of envision the eventual hell that awaits them if they don't do what I am telling them to do to make things right. So I usually slip those hand warming packets skiers use into the pockets of the person I am talking to. That way when I start yelling, which is the judgement voice, they physically feel warmer and sweatier, which helps make my case.
I'd love to keep going, but I have a lot of things I need to do today. Important things, stuff that needs to be handled. And I keep telling God, I can't do this alone. I cannot breathe unless you do this with me. Ugh, I think that was a song lyric. I am horrible.
Now I have train stuck in my head. Thanks for that, Jon. Thanks a lot.
ReplyDeleteEverybody has a phone voice.
ReplyDeleteJim -
ReplyDeleteReally? I have friends that are really laid back and they only have one calm, consistent voice. And I have friends that when they're angry can't shut it off. So if they have a bad phone conversation with their husband as they drive to Wal-Mart they end up carrying around that bad conversation for hours. The hormones generated from anger can last for hours in your body and I know folks that have a hard time developing a phone voice.
Jon
Is it wrong of me to be offended? CS Lewis was an Irish man from Belfast!! :)
ReplyDeleteI guess you're right. I have more of a calm, consistent voice but sometimes I'll laugh at work, at the in-laws, or where ever when I hear people using their phone voice when answering the phone.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, you may want to check your Blogger time setting. Looks like you have it set to Pacific time instead of Eastern. We've got to represent the East-side.
Not just Pastors, Jon. Mothers, I'm sure, have mastered ALL the voices...except maybe the CS Lewis one.
ReplyDeleteC.S. Lewis was from Belfast, but he didn't really have an Irish accent. Confusing.
ReplyDeleteMy mother is a BEAST at the Phone Voice. And I can gladly say that I too have mastered the art. I'm especially good with the half-asleep-but-you'd-never-know-it voice.
ReplyDeleteBut oh the memories of Ma: "GET BACK HERE! I OUGHT TO BEAT YOUR LITTLE *ring ring* Hello? *eyelashes batting, and huge smile appears from no where*"
Bless her heart...
Oh, man, my mom was Queen of the Phone Voice.
ReplyDeleteBut let's make something clear here. The Phone Voice isn't the result of an incoming telephone interrupt truly changing one's attitude. It isn't like, in the middle of a stern lecture from Mom, that phone call actually rewires her mood into pleasantry. If that was the case, today's cellphone-slinging' kiddies would have an easy out (once they'd mastered the dial-the-home-phone-behind-your-back maneuver).
No, the Phone Voice is a precise work of acting, of "getting into character" temporarily to avoid adding to an already tense face-to-face conversation another tense telephone conversation. It is a controlled state, able to be relaxed at any moment. I know this from experience. Just see what happens when the callee is one of Mom's closest friends:
[Mom verbally thrashing my brother and I for Some Evil]
[telephone rings]
Mom [in Phone Voice]: Hello?
[unheard telephone greeting; Mom realizes she has a crony on her ear]
Mom [so very *not* in Phone Voice]: Oh, I'm just dealing with the boys...
[sound of juvenile hopes crashing into the floor]
As a mother of five kids, the oldest being seven, I have mastered the phone voice.
ReplyDeleteC.S. Lewis may have been born in Ireland but his accent was certainly not Irish.
ReplyDeleteAnother hint from a British person. I know British is the common phrase in America but it is far safer not to use it. English, Scottish, Welsh and Irish will leave every a lot happier and possibly less beaten up.
I totally have phone voice. Oh, yes, this is a skill that was bestowed upon me after delivering my first child. Here's how phone voice works for me:
ReplyDeleteKids:(whining) Moooo-mmmmmy! She hit me! & He stole my stuffed replica of a dung beetle! And I'm hungry tooooooo! Are tattoos godly cause....I want one NOOOOOWWWWWW!
Me: (kind of growling/yelling) THIS is why you called me in from trimming the marijuana plants?! I have just about had it with..
RING! RING! RING!
Me: (sunshine and strawberries) Hello? This is Jesus' favorite family. How can we wash your feet today?
Oh yes. Phone voice. I am a master.
Yo..I Just really started reading your blog, and man this is some funny crap!!
ReplyDeleteah yes... the phone voice. I was a receptionist and I've perfected it over a short time.
ReplyDeleteAlso, thanks for the Alf reference, made me smile.
You've missed the "I have a message from God" voice. This takes on two tones...one from the pulpit, rather lofty, and the other when you're one on one with someone...you know, you lean in and get all serious as though you're about to reveal the meaning of life....like this...
ReplyDelete"prodigan jon, you know, I truly believe, you, will be, the most, blogworthiest, of bloggers, blogs will ever, see......I really believe this"
Ah, the phone voice. My brother adopted one until he turned fourteen or so. When a friend would call, he would answer the phone with a "hello" that I think he thought was pretty darn close to Barry White.
ReplyDeleteAnd I could have sworn that Lewis had an Oxbridge (Oxford/Cambridge) accent... on a related note, Shadowlands is a fantastic movie.
I was thinking of leaving a comment about how C.S. Lewis was from Northern Ireland, without an English accent, but I see I've been beat many times over.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you should write a Stuff Christians Like entitled, "Knowing Everything About C.S. Lewis" or "C.S. Lewis Trivia."
I think Saint Stacy du Louisville is a trained comedienne, polished master of wit and entirely amazing woman. I want to meet her. I want to read HER. AND you too Jon, don't get sooky, she's just hilarious. Like YOU!! And you know?
ReplyDeleteI TALK just like her, but cannot write like her. Don't believe me???? Tap my calls and you'll see.
I do not always use my phone voice, but I have a phone *look* and if that doesn't work, my kids know *the wave*. *The look* involves either a ysilent yes or no, sometmes a shush, but always it reminds the kiddies who is in charge and that they should respect the other person who has called our happy home. If they do not respond to *the look*, which they'll pay dearly for, then I use *the wave*. That means I swat the air as if a giant whining pest is standing there, only it's got 2 feet and is 10 years old. If neither *the look* or *the wave* has banished their ring tone trained desire for my immediate attention, then when I am finished my convo with (insert name here) I will rain down upon them with THAT TONE of voice that after hearing, even Daddy weeps!!!
I am a Purpose Driven Mother. I have one index finger in the air, the other hand is on my hip and I am staring you down and I will not be talked at while I am on the phone with SEARS!!!
DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND. ME???
We use a full bag of Depends every month. I am WonderMom.
So what do you call the phone voice that happens in person? I can go from a heated argument with my husband in the car and as soon as we're in public I'm Miss Merry Sunshine. I know that's fake, but not everyone needs to experience my drama first hand.
ReplyDeleteI just started reading your posts yesterday. I enjoy your writing, keep it up.
ReplyDeleteI have a seriously awesome phone voice, but I'm a trained professional. (Use to work a switchboard answering hundreds of calls each day and had to sound nice to ALL of them!)
ReplyDeleteAnd that "bless her heart" thing is a requirement for all Southern women to know and use, at least occasionally.
Hey Jon, don't forget "weepy-overwhelmed voice." I grew up in a pentecostal family, and when THEY prayed, it was a mix of crying, almost at the verge of death...even when they were praying for their supper.
ReplyDeleteAnd my personal favorite, "breathy-worship leader/surfer voice". The airy tone that worship leaders get at the end of a worship set as they transition into the speaker. It's as if their words will have more meaning if they make them airy and a little grungy.
I have detected another voice in my friends. It is the very high register voice. Doesn't matter what you are saying, it is the highness and squeakiness that counts. Listen for it. It usually comes when someone is speaking to you "in Christian love." Translated it means GET ME AWAY FROME HER BEFORE I HURT HER. The higher the voice, the more immanent the danger.
ReplyDeleteI was trying to keep my full-back Alf ink a secret, Jon. This is so embarrassing.
ReplyDeleteOMG! My aunt had an awesome phone voice when I was growing up. My cousins and I used to joke (out of her hearing) that it could go from World War 3 to happiest family on earth in .2 seconds. It was great.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if I have a phone voice or not. I'm usually pretty even tempered anyway. I have a friend who gets angry and definately can't hide it, though, so not everyone has the phone voice. (And she's a mom, too.)
I wonder if C.S. Lewis had a phone voice.
ReplyDeleteYou and your brothers and sisters hit each other with bricks?
ReplyDeletehi Jon,
ReplyDeletei want to say first and foremost that i absolutely love your blog. ive laughed out loud MANY times. it really makes you realize some of the silly things us American Christians do.
However, i felt lead to share (hm, that could be its own entry. i felt lead to tell you)
anyway, i felt lead to share with you that i was in church last night, and as we were worshiping, i couldnt help but think of your 10worship styles and giggle to myself.
even though I really think your blog is great, on some level if you are not careful it can really affect people who spend time in church and whose minds can easily focus on the funny, more than the worship.
yeah some of the things are silly, but its probably not edifying to God to be giggling at the person demonstrating "hand raise #3" in the next row.
im not saying that its your fault that my mind went there, but my worship certainly did suffer and it was more difficult to center myself on the Lord.
so i guess this is for both you and your readers. Just be careful about how much you absorb these things, as funny and true they are. try not to let them get in the way of the way you worship God.
Thanks for the humor, Jon! May God continue to bless your writings.
Jessica
The "Bless his heart" voice.
ReplyDeleteOh, no! This is me -- my favourite expression! You've found me out, Jon!
Now I must watch and see if I say it at the most inappropriate times. Bless your heart, though.
I have a friend who once worked for Bell Canada. I always knew when she was phoning from work -- using her best telephone-operator voice.
I just found your site a couple days ago and have read the entire thing, it's amazing!
ReplyDeleteI totally have the phone voice. However I also have a different type of phone voice. My phone voice isn't about switching from an angry conversation but more in that the instant I pick up the phone my voice raises about 4 octaves. I go from talking normal to sounding like Olympic gymnast Kerri Strug. For no reason. I worked at a Christian bookstore in high school and my coworkers would always make fun of my super high happy excited phone voice. I imagine a lot of type 1 of pastor's wives have the same problem.
I mean, I hope I'm not the only one.
i sell insurance now, but i worked in retail for a long time and developed what i called my customer voice. i think it's similar to the phone voice in that i can be chatting with my co-worker one moment and the next, i am sweet and helpful and kind and funny but not pushy and all the things you want a good salesperson to be, that i am not in real life.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the facts on Lewis. Knowing he is from Ireland makes me love him ever more!
ReplyDeleteJust be really careful not to confuse the C.S. Lewis voice with a Shrek voice or a "So I Married an Axe Murderer" voice. That might really quench the Spirit.
ReplyDeleteAs others have pointed out, many have a phone voice. But as a fellow PK, I have to back Jon up on this one and say PASTOR phone voice is a category unto itself. Until you've witnessed it, you really can't comprehend the miracle.
ReplyDeleteAnd many thanks for Mark R. for teaching us how to talk ... not British.
So I'm listening to my Matchbox Twenty Pandora station and what song is playing as I'm reading your blog? Meet Virginia.
ReplyDeleteI think I have used several of those voices.
ReplyDeleteWow, Razzledazzle sure has a dichotmy of thought going on. "I love you, you're funny, don't BE so funny because I can't focus, keep writing the stuff that makes me not focus".
ReplyDeleteMaybe she's a #3 in training?
I am just sayin'.
OMG(goodness) - too funny!
ReplyDeleteAll the different voices we use to get along in a "civilized" society. As a mom of 3 who worked in retail for 7 yrs. and an office for 3 yrs. I am the Ninja Master of Phone Voice.
I was well trained by my mother (the Black Belt Ninja Master of Phone Voice) She has the amazing ability to scold the socks off someone with her lovely schoolteacher voice-of-command. Tell you what - she managed to keep middle school boys who were bigger than she is in line with it!
I also have my C.S. Lewis Scholarly Voice, which got me in trouble on numerous occasions for "talking like a dictionary." It is very effective, however, when dealing with patronizing people who believe being a stay-at-home mom robs a woman of her intelligence.
I've never had the opportunity to use the Whisper of Importance. Perhaps I'll need that in my bag of tricks when my kids become teenagers. For all those Important Talks, you see...
I like saying C.S. Lewis quotes in a Sean Connery Voice. Similar enough but much more powerful.
ReplyDeleteOh man, Realistic Scott,
ReplyDeleteLewis was Irish, not Scottish. You are going to get yourself blacklisted from the isles. I confess, I just wrote this whole comment so I could use the word "isles."
According to the Commentary on Uses of Christian Phrases (CUCP), the actualy meaning of "bless your heart" is "you're an idiot".
ReplyDeleteMy parents were amazing at The Phone Voice growing up. I LOVED when the phone rang in the middle of getting yelled at; it postponed our getting in trouble, and made mom or dad revert back to their normal, less-frightening selves.
ReplyDeleteAnd the Bless Their Heart voice is just ridiculous. Over-used in mass quantities. But utterly ridiculous.
I and some other friends have what we call the "Big boy voice"- it comes out when we're trying to direct people, answer the phone, be cool... the voice gets lower and you enunciate better.
ReplyDeleteMy friends and I have another voice we like: The Sexy Praying Voice. This voice is used by guys, not every guy, but I've only heard it in guys. My understanding is it is usually done unintentionally, but that doesn't make it any less sexy. It's that voice guys sometimes use when praying, when they lower their voice, it gets softer, and a little gentler. It's that voice that made my friends and I start boycotting Monday morning prayer meetings in college. Seriously guys, don't think you can just roll out of bed with your facial scruff and fun pajama pants, sit down at the table, and whip out that voice and think there's going to be no effect on us. It's enough to make any girl stumble.
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff! Just stumbled onto your blog. So far I love it!
ReplyDeleteI think you and Stacy from Louisville should go on tour together doing Christian stand-up comedy. Let me know when you are coming to Oklahoma City. I want front row tickets!
ReplyDeleteMy mother is the master of the phone voice. She has it down pat.
ReplyDeleteelizabeth- that's one of the reasons why we don't let our high school guys and girls "pray" together during early-morning devotional time at youth trips. hahaha.
ReplyDeleteI'm a prayer whisperer. I like to think my voice gets "husky".
ReplyDeleteAnyway, occasionally I will intentionally use lyrics in my prayers, but generally not "Meet Virginia". I tend to go with praise music. But I can see the value in using secular music lyrics.
For example:
And aren't you essentially saying to us, Lord (my go-to prayer name for God), "Show me that smile again. Ooooh, show me that smile. Don't waste another minute on your cryin'." Yes Lord, "as long as we've got each other. Rain or shine! All the time!"
In other words, Father, "According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival. I think we just might live the good life yet."
Ah-men. Aaahhh-men.
haha! love the train reference. and i am an expert at waking up from a dead sleep, but sounding like i am wide awake. that's my voice. :)
ReplyDeleteWe went to a funeral Friday where the whole service was delivered in this way.
ReplyDeleteI do have to say that he had an awesome "prayer voice".
Oh wow... my mom has mastered the phone voice, and my sister and I have mastered the roll-your-eyes-at-the-phone-voice-without-mom-noticing technique!
ReplyDeletewell Jon, I picked up your Angels & Airwaves lyrics, even though it seems everyone else missed it...keep up the good work. and by good work I mean listening to AVA, as well as writing this little blog here ;)
ReplyDelete