#342. Biblically named ropes courses.

I was never a big ropes course guy and I partly blame my father. (A ropes course is a series of obstacles suspended high above the ground at camp. It's supposed to increase courage, trust and vomit.) My father took me on the rollercoaster, Space Mountain, when I was young, like fetus young, and I never really recovered. Don't get me wrong, I'll do some dangerous things, like write about prosperity ministry, but I am a wuss at roller coasters and ropes courses.

Although I don't support them with my participation, I can support the way we name them. I love when we apply Biblical names to our ropes course at camp. For instance, who here hasn't climbed up something called "Jacob's Ladder" or jumped over an abyss called the "Red Sea?" And if I had a dollar for every time the final tree on a ropes course was named "the promised land," I would have many dollars.

But when I open my camp, I'm going to mix it up a little. I'm going to create Christianity's most holy ropes course.

Here are some things you can plan on enjoying:

1. Balaam's Donkey

This won't be easy, but we're going to suspend a donkey from a tree. You'll have to walk it across a narrow wooden plank. And it will be blindfolded and angry because donkeys hate ropes courses. (Don't get mad at me donkey fans. It will be safely harnessed in a donkey vest. Obviously.)

2. Samson's Barbershop

At one stage of my ropes course you have to give yourself a reverse Mohawk hair cut. This is when you cut a long stripe down the middle of your head. I mean honestly, isn't camp the place to do something weird with your hair?

3. Bear Brawl

Due to some legal issues I can't fully describe this particular challenge, but rest assured that it involves two bears, a thin reference to Elisha and you wearing something we call "the honey mittens of doom."

4. The Whale Puke

This only sounds gross because it is. You have to jump inside a rubber whale like Jonah, at 60 feet up mind you, and find a hidden key in a jello mix of bootleg cookies, orange drink and lake slime.

5. The Judgment Javelin

In order to get to one side, you have to swing over with a big rope. But the rope is tied up. The only way to get it is to hit a target with a judgment javelin. This is a long spear with judgmental statements written on it like, "there are more important things to argue about than your stupid issue" and "for me, I guess I like following the Bible," and "I wish you had standards."

If you make it through the whole course, you get what I call the "purpling gun." This is a water gun full of vinegar you get to shoot at anyone that is caught kissing, or purpling if you will.

Sign up today as spots are filling quickly at my camp.