#339. Forgiveness (or lessons from the Cuban torture specialist)

I struggle with the concept of forgiveness, but I think it belongs on this list. In part, because I think it is something Christians are called to do and in part because one of the goals of this site is to share dangerous ideas. And I think grace and forgiveness are two of the most dangerous ideas on the planet. But I struggle with the concept of forgiveness.

About 18 months ago, a friend of mine did something pretty horrible to my family and a church. The specifics don't really matter, but it was basically a severe betrayal of trust and relationship. All together, it was a pretty disgusting experience.

For a while, I would just get drunk on rage anytime I saw his name on my instant messenger list. I wanted to punch AOL in the face every time he logged on. As I mentioned, I am not awesome at forgiveness.

While in Charlotte for my grandmother’s birthday, I overheard my uncle telling my father about what it means to forgive. A few hours later I was able to ask him a couple of other questions on a topic I was clearly failing.

My uncle is a 6 foot 3, carved from stone, retired Air Force Colonel. He used to fly Air Force 2, the Vice President's plane, and has a long, decorated career behind him. He’s one of the most Godly men I’ve ever met and when he talks, rooms tend to go quiet. When I told him about the money that was stolen from me, he shared a story from his days in the Air Force.

During the Vietnam War, his friend got captured by the enemy. (The first time I shared this story, I thought it was North Koreans but I had the details mixed up.) While he was sitting in his cell, other American prisoners started to tap out an urgent message to him in Morse code. The faint sounds through the wall told him, “Don’t hate Raul. Don’t hate Raul.” Over and over again, these words were repeated. The message went on to say that Raul was a Cuban torture specialist that had been brought in to work over the prisoners. (That there is an international network of torture specialists is more than a little terrifying by the way.)

The message they were so frantic to give this new prisoner was that, yes, Raul was going to torture him, but that was only physical pain. That would end eventually, but it would be the seeds of hate for Raul that would threaten to eventually kill him. It would be his anger and rage against Raul that would eat him like a cancer, leaving him empty long after Raul had stopped the torture.

My uncle thinks holding a grudge is like carrying the offender’s dead body around with you. You have to let it go, or it just weighs on you and suffocates all the good things in your life.

I’d like to say I had a Eureka moment that night talking to my uncle and all my anger toward my former business partner instantly disappeared. It didn’t, but I did write him an email when I got home. I told him I choose to forgive you. You might never ask for it, but I choose to offer you forgiveness.

And the truth is, my friend is a good guy. He's funny and a blast to be with. He made a mistake. That is not who he is, that is something he did. What he did isn't that different from some of the horrible mistakes I've made in my own life. He needs forgiveness just like I do. He's a messed up human, just like me. And regardless, I am called to love him. But by initially refusing to forgive him, I was unable to see all of that.

Has every day been sunny since then? No, it would be fake of me to say it has. But now, when I see his name pop up on my instant messenger buddy list and I’m tempted to pick back up his 6′4″ dead body, I remember, “Don’t hate Raul. Don’t hate Raul.”