He was speaking that night and came by to encourage me because he’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. He’s also one of the most insightful so when Zondervan asked if I wanted to give away 5 copies of the book he wrote with Jud Wilhite, Deadly Viper Character Assassins
, the answer was a pop n’ lock accentuated yes.Let’s do a comment contest. Best 5 answers to this question win a free book:
“What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever noticed at church?”
It can be anything. Some song you always sing, a deadly fist fight between the mime team and the hand bell crew. What’s something funny and church related that you think belongs on the Stuff Christians Like list?
Comment until Tuesday, September 29.
What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever noticed at church?
one of my best friends is the youth pastor the church I go to. He had been pushing for months to use a particular chunk of donated money for all sorts of new equipment for the youth room and got nowhere. Then one person suggested what the church really needed to do with that money was buy two giant trampolines. Which they did, immediately. Much to the everlasting chagrin of my friend.
ReplyDeleteat a youth camp a couple of years back we where doing something new; we where going have the words up on a video projector (not that out of it these days, but for a youth group back then it was quite something) anyhow, the whole deal did not go to plan, at all but by kick of everything was set up and working nicely, what no one knew was the projector in question had in fact been duct taped to the lighting bar, as the night went on i became aware that the fairly nicely setup picture was migrating out of the projector screen as the guess speaker spoke i was getting rather worried, as the picture was nearly no longer in frame at all, coming towards the end of the sermon a ladder was collected then, whadaya know, an alter call, there we are standing, watch the now hastening fall of the projector, with people praying under it! (at this stage we where playing for all we where worth!) finally a spot near enough to put up a ladder opened, i dashed up the ladder, to catch the projector as it fell - what timing, and they wondered why we where all so worried...
ReplyDeleteWhile preaching, my father inadvertently said that Jesus spent the night before the crucifixion at the Olive Garden (rather than in the Garden of Gethsemane on the Mount of Olives, of course).
ReplyDelete(Would pulpit bloopers be a post topic?)
Once on a youth trip to a Flyers- Caps game my friend invited his brother who was older to come and help chaperon. He didn't go to the church but as the game progressed and the alcohol level in the Flyers' fans was rising, my friend's brother started yelling, "Let's go Cap!" The stupefied Flyers fan turned around and punched him in the face. I know this incident wasn't supposed to be funny but it was the talk of the night. My friend's brother never chaperoned again. Gives a whole new meaning to the saying, "I got in a fight and a hockey game broke out."
ReplyDeleteAt the Anglican church I go to, we begin the communion half of the service with our priest asking, "Is the Father with us? Is Christ among us? Is the Spirit here?" to which we answer, "He is." We borrowed the whole exchange from a Kenyan Anglican service.
ReplyDeleteLast month, my best friend, a youth minister, came to visit us and fell totally to pieces at that part. After the service, she said that all she could picture was Ben Stein saying, "Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?" like we were having some sort of celestial roll call. So now I can't get through that part of the service without giggling to myself and imagining the awesomeness that is Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
the summer between my junior and senior years in college, I worked for a Christian conference center where my fiancee was also working. One evening during international missions week we slipped into the back of the auditorium for the worship service.
ReplyDeleteThe missionaries were dressed in garb from the countries they served. Seated directly in front of us was a missionary who served in Africa. His family--including his daughter who was probably 3 years old--were with him. The robe he was wearing also had a long wrap of fabric that went from his shoulder down to his ankle and back around.
Sometime during one of the (rather long) prayers, his daughter decided to crawl up in the folds of his robe and got lost and couldn't get back out. She started crying and flailing about so much that it looked like an animal had gotten inside (think cat in a burlap sack).
Eventually he got her freed, but my fiancee and I were laughing so hard by that point that we had to leave the service.
In the church I used to go, which is a smaller church where "everyone knows your name", they normally had a testimony service (talk about yourself time) during the middle portion of the service. I normally heard some rather hilarious stuff along with some really touching testimonies. But one sunday, this one older man in church gets up and just starts rambling about something--who knows-- but then his ending punch line, in a thick indian accent was this... "remember King size bed doesn't equal king size sleep!" I looked in the bible concordance for "king size bed"-I've yet to find it.
ReplyDeleteOne of the most funny, awkward experiences I've been through in church came when we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name". Of course, we were using the projector and when we got to the second verse instead of "sun shining down on me" it was "sun sinning down on me". This was a fairly small church with a large elderly population that probably didn't know the song, so you could see people looking around at each other, at the praise team, at the projector guy and then uncomfortably continue to sing. Of course, we in the college section could barely contain our laughter, which must have added to their unease.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, that is certainly not the only time I've seen words misspelled on the screen, even (gasp) the name of God! Maybe SCL should do a post about appropriate reactions to such occurrences. Should one ignore it, point it out and give the correct spelling to your neighbor with an air of authority, run over to the computer guy and push him off his chair so you can immediately correct the issue? Hmm . . .
One Wednesday night at Bible study, one of the old ladies was asking for prayer because she fell down pretty hard while chasing some squirrels out of her garden.
ReplyDeleteAnother old lady (who is really hard of hearing) leaned over and whispered (if you can call it that)..."I could reeaaaallllly go for some fried squirrel right now."
I lost it and had to physically leave church.
Yes, I live in Arkansas, and yes, she was 100% serious.
I once attended an African American service (I'm White) and when the congregation started dancing and singing, a senior adult lady came over told me to get up off the pew and move with the spirit. I totally cannot dance and after a few minutes of trying to fit in, she came back over and tapped me on the shoulder telling me that the Holy Spirit told her it was okay if I just sat back down!
ReplyDeleteMy church has a "Ministry of Dance" that is occasionally invited to do a few minutes of interpretive dance during the service. Normally the whole affair is pretty dull. The high school girls do a few circles, stretch their arms in the air, and eventually bounce their way out of the sanctuary. One memorable time two of the girls got a little too close, and one girl stepped on the end of the other girl's long skirt. Which then ripped off when the next twirl came. You haven't heard gasping until you've heard a congregation realize that someone is dancing in her underwear in the sanctuary! To her credit, the girl finished up the dance, collected her skirt, and calmly jogged off the stage. Despite the church leadership's best efforts to get everyone to forget that service, the infamous Day of The Panty Dancer will forever live in our memories.
ReplyDeleteLast summer, our Pastor was on vacation for a week. My wife led the worship with Cd's and I was asked to preach. A few songs into worship, the projector stopped working. As my wife and a friend were working on it, I bent over to lend a hand. As I bent over, a giant 'rip' was heard through the whole sanctuary. I was horrified to discover that my khaki's had ripped right in the front around the crotch.
ReplyDeleteYet, I decided that if David could dance before the ark not caring what anyone saw, I could preach with my boxers showing!
I have to say, my wife responded much better than David's!
I once visited a very small church. When it was time for the soloist to sing his special, he walked up from the congregation carrying his boom box and hand towel. Hand towel, you ask - why? Apparently, he didn't want to mar the wooden piece he set his boom box on, so he carefully placed the hand towel on the wood. Then put his boom box on it. He turned around prepared to sing, and pushed "play." He quickly realized that the tape (yes, this was eons ago) was not cued. Lots of fast-forward, stop, play....ooops, a little to far, rewind, stop, play....oops too far back ensued. He finally got it right & sang his song. I honestly could not BELIEVE I was able to witness such a jewel. I still giggle when I think about it.
ReplyDeleteLots of people like to do "special music" and sometimes it is more special than others. I have noticed that when people who really probably shouldn't sing in public "feel led" to do special music, the music minister usually feels led to put them in the Sunday night spot instead of Sunday morning. Is singing on Sunday night like being on the JV team?
ReplyDeleteEarlier this year our leadership was so worried about swine flu spreading during communion that during the conesecration he made the communion servers wash their hands with sanitizer in full sight of the congregation....it was very strange seeing, Bread, Juice and Purell together on the Altar Table.
ReplyDeleteOne week a couple years ago we were singing the song "Jesus, Lover of my Soul". My sister and I were responsible for typing up all the words in a PowerPoint for people to sing from. When it got to the line "My Savior, my closest friend", we realized that she had misspelled it. During the service we realized she had actually typed "My Savior, my closet friend." We started cracking up. I don't think that many people would agree with the idea that Jesus had a "closet friend".
ReplyDeleteI don't want to seem insensitive to the mentally challenged, but I lost it this one time...
ReplyDeleteOne service a young man who was obviously mentally challenged sat directly behind me. He sang SO loud and SO off-key, but my neighbor and I tried very hard to contain our laughter. After about 10 minutes I started giggling uncontrollably and had to sit down and put my face in my hands. I looked like I was crying from conviction, but no, I was just laughing my head off.
It's not really that funny when you read this, but if you could have heard it...he also laughed like a donkey but that's just too far for me to go in this forum.
Banner worshipers miming horse-riding whenever lyrics such as 'riding' came up.
ReplyDeleteThe time the worship leader (Elder) who was obviously a hippy in his day, did the pointing manouver that Jack Black's character in School of Rock teaches the keyboard player - on the line 'Go do something beautiful' (it's a Kendrick song)
Seeing 'would the parents of Munchkin 0467 please come to the creche' come up on the screen during the service. Made me picture the creche as some kind of kiddie concentration camp..
I once sat through an entire Sunday morning church sermon on "The Gay Agenda." Near the end of the message, after the preacher had pretty much spent the hour demonizing gays and lesbians, stereotyping, and regurgitating rightwing conspiracy theories and political party-line talking points... the preacher paused and, in an offhand side-note fashion said, "Don't get the wrong idea here. If you are a member of our church, or you are visiting for the first time, and you are gay... you are welcome here."
ReplyDeleteI almost laughed out loud. I would have left if I wasn't sitting next to a cherished loved one who was excited to have me visit her church.
I'm not even gay and I can tell you that **I** didn't feel welcome there! As a preacher, if you ever have to say, "Don't get the wrong idea," you should probably stop right there. The best way to prevent someone from getting the wrong idea is to STOP GIVING IT TO THEM.
Just sayin :-).
peace | dewde
That wasn't a contest entry. I already have the new Deadly Viper. Just contributing to the "funny" stories.
ReplyDeletepeace | dewde
I was the pastor at our church and we were doing a seder dinner around Passover time. It was kind of a solemn affair and I was sitting with my family at the front table. Our two year old son was potty training at the time. Four or five times during the proceedings he jumped up from the table, pulled his pants down, and ran naked to bathroom. (Of course, he couldn't wait to get to the bathroom before he pulled them down). Needless to say, the solemn and sacred moment gained a bit of human reality, which I think God kind of liked. At least, I'm going with that.
ReplyDeleteOne of his relatives may recognize this, and I guess it fits under the"sermon bloopers" comment above this - but a pastor friend of mine and his wife were "candidating" for the church I attended - I was sitting with his wife and he was preaching on Peter praying on the rooftop when the angel of the Lord let down a - well, it was supposed to be "sheet", but you can figure it out. His wife put her head down and said, "Well, we won't be coming here" - it was absolutely hilarious at the time, and I was grateful that it was a Pentecostal church, where putting your head down and having your shoulders shaking could be interpreted as being a sign of your advanced spirituality.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm going to have to go with the time my mother got the communion wafer stuck to the roof of her mouth... so she's sitting there trying to non chalantly peel the wafer off the roof of her mouth with her fingernail!
ReplyDelete(But then communion wafers make me laugh in general - I grew up in small churches that cut up regular bread, so I never saw them til middleschool, when I said immediately upon seeing them "They look like Tiddly Winks!" (you know the game with the plastic disks)
If Chapel counts - in middle school one of the boys who wore his pants too low, was participating in a skit where they were "dog piling" someone (I don't even remember what it was supposed to represent) and he was the one most clearly facing away from the student body, and managed to moon the entire student body (well the entire middleschool portion at least)
We were singing "All Hail The Power Of Jesus Name" and when we got the part "let angels prostrate fall", the overhead said "let angels prostate fall." Pretty funny.
ReplyDeleteThe funniest thing I've ever seen at church?: moving powerpoints.
ReplyDeleteAt the church I went to during undergrad, we did a lot of contemporary music, which meant using a big projection screen and powerpoint slides to display the words so that everyone who hadn't yet memorized every Chris Tomlin song ever written wouldn't be left out of the worship experience. That's great, but they also decided that the background for the slides had to be as visually dynamic as the words themselves. This led to the use of animated backgrounds, in which the images actually moved. There was a waterfall that was continually rushing down, a shoreline with the tide going in and out, and even the colorful morphing rings common to screen savers bopping around behind "Amazing Grace" and "Lifesong." But one bad slide backround choice really took the cake. I think the song had something to do with power of grace raining down, but I'm not actually sure because while the image was initially rain falling on a dark, barren landscape, when suddenly a huge bolt of lightning split the screen I lost all ability to wing and worship in a fit of giggles.
So there it is--a moving powerpoint background behind the words for morning worship with sporadic lightning bolts is the funniest thing I've ever seen in church.
(WV: cesses - "Worship cesses when lightning splits the powerpoint, and the congregation wonders whether it was God smiting the tech guy for not moving the slides ahead to the next verse in time.)
I have two, and they are a toss up for me. The first one is the time my family was invited to light the advent candles before a Christmas service. My husband and daughters were to read scriptures and all I had to do was light the candles with the little striker thing. One of the candle wicks was too long and kind of flopped over so I use my fingernail to hold it up while lighting it. I was wearing artificial nails at the time, and yes, my nail went up in a huge flame instantly. I started screaming, our daughters started screaming, and my husband hollers "don't scream, blow!". Not sure why they never invited us to do that again.
ReplyDeleteThe second story: Several people in leadership at our church went to a church conference. It was in a huge facility with lots of people attending. During a break, I emerged from the ladies restroom and noticed our pastor's wife walking about 30 feet in front of me with the back of her dress caught in her girdle. I was just frozen with laughter. I ran to catch up with her but could not tell her the problem because I was laughing so hard. I was crying I was laughing so hard. I could not stop. Even though I had just been to the restroom, I had to cross my legs. Finally, a more mature lady whispered in her ear. I felt terrible. Still do. It was just so awkward.
We were having a Thanksgiving service and the choir was singing their hearts out. As the pastor got up to begin his service, he thanked the choir for the worship but said he was really distracted by the "hot blonde in the brown shirt." It was his wife. :)
ReplyDeleteWhile pastoring at a small, inner city church one of the 7 choir members had a seizure. The local firefighters responded to the 911 call - a call made by the 17 year old sexton. None of the other 40 church members would have made that call. It wasn't a real seizure, maybe more of a Holy Spirit seizure? She's laying in the choir loft moaning, the firefighters are trying to figure out what is going on. The organist is trying to distract everyone by playing a hymn louder than she is moaning. But the louder the organ gets the louder she got. He kept trying. There was no way not to notice what was happening. Organ gets louder, moaning gets louder while the firefighters try to figure out what is happening and the congregation tries not to giggle. Our choir member was fine. Walked home with her husband as the firefighters packed up and went back to the station.
ReplyDeleteWell, I didn't actually see this, but my brother-in-law told me once about a church he'd visited where the ornate communion table had apparently been donated by a prominent family in the congregation. So, in addition to Jesus' words, "Do this in remembrance of Me," carved in the side of the table (as is the case in a lot of communion tables in my particular church heritage) there was also a little gold plaque: "This table given in honor of Mr. and Mrs. Better-Than-You-Smith."
ReplyDeleteUm...WHO are we supposed to be remembering during communion time?
Funny (and a little sad)!
In youth group, the song "Can't Nobody...Do Me Like Jesus."
ReplyDelete(Within weeks they changed the words to "Can't Nobody...Love Me Like Jesus" and I didn't have to feel guilty about my mind being in the gutter anymore)
There are a few... maybe you've covered them before, but if not, feel free.
ReplyDeleteMisspelled words on the projector: someone's already mentioned prostate vs. prostrate for All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name... we had that one once too, but there's another tricky part to that song
"O that with yonder sacred throng..."
yes, yes, throng became thong and the entire youth section could NOT handle the image of Jesus' thong (the best thong of all time, but still, a thong) I was friends with the worship pastor and misspeller's daughter and she just put her hands down as the choir looked embarrassed and her dad tried to keep going without looking too embarrassed. (PS- this is why, even though we look so much cooler when we use projector screens, if you have hymnals, you should just use them. God loves us equally, whether we sing from books or from screens.)
Romantic worship songs. This one really needs to be covered if it's not already. I personally find the song "Your love is extravagant" simultaneously funny and incredibly annoying. I really don't want to view God's love as extravagant or his fragrance as intoxicating. The first time I heard that song in a worship service I just kind of looked around going "really?" So I find it annoyingly funny, though I never laugh because I'm so annoyed, when we sing overly romantic (and sensual!!!) songs to Jesus. I love you JC, just not in that way. You gave me a husband for that, so thanks...
Oh and the lady in the choir who cannot clap on rhythm. It's bad when anyone does it, but there she is, on display in front of the congregation, in the group of the most devoted musicians in church standing in the middle looking as happy as a clam, singing her heart out and clapping completely off beat. So off beat that sometimes she gets on beat for about two seconds, and then she's off again. Once again, the youth section could not handle it, and my mom told me that the choir always knew when she was having trouble because we (the youth) started looking really entertained.
One time during communion, my husband went to tear a little bit off the loaf, and came away with a sizeable chunk of bread. As we handed the tray to the elder/usher, he leaned over & whispered "Do you want some cheese with that??" We giggled.
ReplyDeleteThe main door to our church swings inward, rather than outward.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't sound cool or original or anything, but it has let to quite a lot of visitors thinking they are locked out.
It's quite a sight to behold :)
I was sitting in the back row, like a good baptist, because I was attending church alone one Sunday evening. I ended up sitting next to a guy and his girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteIt was communion Sunday, and it was a large church, so it took a while to pass the elements. Finally, the plate got to us. We took the bread. Then, we went through to the juice. I was on the end of the aisle, next to the girlfriend.
The guy went to hand the plate to her, and at that exact moment, sneezed. All the grape juice in all those little cups went flying out of them, and all over the girlfriend.
I never knew that those tiny little cups could hold so much grape juice.
I have so many I can hardly choose. So I won't.
ReplyDelete1) When I was a church camp counselor a man was preaching on love. He asked the kids (3-6 grad) how their dad could show their mom that he loves her. There were several good answers: he could buy her flowers, he could kiss her, he could tell her, etc. After a string of good answers on kids raised his hand and said, "he could buy her some fried chicken."
2) When I was in elementary school we were having communion at church. Being good Baptists, we would ordinarily use grape juice. Well, at one particular service my pastor some how made a mistake. He was a little confused or out of focus when preparing because we had grape soda instead of grape juice in our communion cups. As the deacons passed out the cups everyone started to notice that they were bubbling. I think it was my favorite communion service ever when I was in elementary.
'Funny' can be an ambiguous word.
ReplyDeleteSoon after I began attending a church I developed a friendship with the head maintenance man. I learned a lot about this church- some greatly encouraging things and some "not so much" things. For whatever reason, I've continued this practice over the years (I've moved across the country a few times). Upon joining a fellowship, and becoming friends with the janitor, I can learn a lot about the heart of a church. Many of the janitors I've met don't attend the churches they work at, but faithfully attend another church. Funniest thing I've seen at church is how the janitor knows where all the dirt is in a church; sadly, he's often treated like that dirt too.
Easter plays have lots of potential for disaster. A couple of years ago, during the very intense trial scene in front of Pilate, "Jesus" had a wardrobe malfunction. He had midthigh wrap and a pair of white shorts underneath. While standing up in front of Pilate, his white shorts, which looked like boxers, started sliding down, eventually falling to his ankles! He handled it like a pro and just stepped out of them and continued on. But no one knew what to do with "Jesus' underwear" for the rest of the scene.
ReplyDeleteThe first funeral I led as a pastor was for a deacon who had unexpectedly died during 'routine' surgery. I was standing on the stage and about halfway through service, while we were singing a hymn, I happened to look down and notice that my fly was open! I was wearing a black suit and my white shirt was extremely obvious sticking out.
ReplyDelete#2 is a girl on the worship team passing out in the middle of "We Fall Down".
OK. You asked for it.
ReplyDeleteThe PK got in trouble for singing a "worldly" song. He couldn't figure out what the big deal was, so he and some buddies (who were all sons of elders and the like, church leadership) decided to go up into the rafters during worship to see what music sounded like to God.
Well, one of the other guys stepped off of one of the rafters into the softer part of the ceiling and fell through just as one of the songs was coming to a high note.
There he was, hanging above the front pew where all the old ladies sat. They all jumped to their feet shouting, "Jesus is comin' back! Jesus is comin' back!"
There is still a slightly different coloring to the ceiling where they patched the hole.
As a new mom, I often am calming a fidgity baby during the closing prayer and I've noticed the surprising number of people not praying. People are checking their Blackberries, listening to voice mails, (your bluetooth isn't fooling me!) feeding their kids goldfish crackers (okay, that'll probably be me in a couple of years)and some of the college students are even getting a little too "hands-on" with their girlfriends. I have to wonder, does the Pastor praying know this is going on?
ReplyDeleteWhen my church at the time (years ago) was switching from all hymns to a mix of hymns and choruses, it amused me to see someone up by the projector using actual plastic overheads....and they'd have to place the page on the projector for each verse - but naturally it was a challenge to get it right-side up and not backwards. (the sad note here was that someone in the church who didn't like choruses - kidnapped the screen and left a ransom note - demanding a better mix of hymns into the services)
ReplyDeleteThis is not from church but from Bible College: I would walk the track listening to a walking CD that had encouraging words during the songs. I suppose the narrator assumes you're walking outside...but I was inside above the gym.
One night a volleyball team was practicing and the guys decided to pants a teammate - at the exact moment the narrator on my workout CD declared, "Look around and enjoy the BEAUTY of God's creation!".
My husband interviewed for a job as a creative arts minister (at a fairly conservative church) on the weekend after we had taken our 3 year old to an interpretive dance show at the local college. On the Sunday of his interview, someone was baptized in the baptistry behind the projection screen. After the baptism, the screen was lowered and in the quiet few seconds before someone started singing, my sweet 3 year old loudly asked, "Mommy - when are the dancers coming out?"
ReplyDeleteAnd he still got the job.
my wife witnessed what we assume was the back end of a drug deal in our church foyer. during the service, a gentleman got up and left the sanctuary, went to his car, and came back with an over the counter medicine box...which was clearly opened. he shuffled over the coat rack, glanced around, and then quietly tucked the box into the pocket of a leather jacket. then he proceeded to return to his seat in the sanctuary, where he went and sat down next to the person whose jacket he had placed the item in. now I'm not usually one to jump to conclusions, but this one just brings out the CSI in me. whatcha think?
ReplyDeleteHow about a wedding where they play the Jason Mraz song that starts out "Well you done done me in my bed I felt it..." Awkward. Funny afterwards, but awkward.
ReplyDeleteDuring worship - the drummer waving his sticks, saying "No no no" in the most dismissive way possible when the rest of the band started without him.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there is a man in my very small, country church who like to say during his testimony EVERY time "it'll make your liver quiver..." Can't understand the rest of his words, but that'll get your attention, along with the loud yell he lets out afterwards!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in high school, our church organist wasn't very good. So one Sunday she went up front to the organ and began to play. A little girl sitting behind us leaned over to her mother, pointed to the organ, and said (loud enough for us and several others to hear), "Mommy, it has an owie!"
ReplyDeleteLike some of the other stories, funny, but sad too.
ReplyDeleteThe woman who had a halter dress on that was so low-cut and loose that when she bent over (yes, in church), even slightly, her entire bosom was viewable to anyone who cared to look and the tribe of adolescent males sitting slightly to the right and front of her who HAD to have whiplash by the end of service. Anytime there was even a whisper of noise suggesting that she MIGHT be moving, this group of heads would WHIP around to look at her in unison.
I wasn't willing to see what she'd wear the next week, so I stopped her on her way out of church that week. She was furious with me when I asked her to be more modest the next week in her dress, but then she stopped me a couple weeks after that and thanked me for saying something. In a church service of more than a 1000, despite the stir she made, no one else did anything but give her dirty looks--of more than one kind. She said it was a new dress and she'd been sent home from work and told she couldn't wear it THERE, but she thought it would be okay for church.
Sigh.
Funny sermon interrupt:
ReplyDeleteMy dad was the preacher, and somehow, my 3-year-old sister managed to escape the (not-so) capable hands of the 2 older nursery workers. She proceeded to make it down the hall to the auditorium, come down the aisle, and begin to tell my dad about the other little girl who took her toy in nursery, and how she wanted it back.
Classic.
peace-- Billy
Our worship team is not known for carefully checking the words for the song lyrics in their PowerPoint slideshows. There have been some good ones, but my favorite was when we were singing "Everlasting God".
ReplyDelete"the defender of the week"
The pastor got up afterwards and casually remarked, "I wonder who's defending next week."
Been to many churches, so LO, I always have a story.
ReplyDeleteIn the cornfields of Indiana, (early 90s) I went to a church that used microphones up front, but they didn't like the look of all the technology (mike stands, cords). So what the ladies of the church did was wrap a strand of fake greenery all up the pole--and if it was a boom mike--all across the pole as well. Best part was when fall would roll around -- they would simply add to the microphone decor by sticking in several sprigs of fake autumn-colored leaves.
Had to be there to see it, to believe it. But my college friends and I would laugh. Oh, we would laugh.
My husband and I once visited a church where the worship team sang an original song. It was about being a vegetarian, eating hummus and Jesus still loving me! No offence to vegetarians, but it was the funniest/weirdest thing we have ever witnessed. We were the only ones cracking up laughing.
ReplyDeleteWith the preschoolers one Sunday morning, I was trying to teach them the verse "Be kind, one to another".
ReplyDeleteOne kid was having trouble, so I say, "Be kind" and he says, "Be kind". And I say, "one to" and he says, "one, two...three, four..." getting excited because he finally gets it.
The Funniest Thing about the Church to me is that for some reason the Church thinks that "funny" and laughter unless its a Holy snicker do not belong in the Church.
ReplyDeleteIn a prayer room, there were five of us girls..Church praying intercessing Women.After praying intensely for a hour or so, we got the good old fashioned giggles. The roll on the floor, grab your side giggles. The harder we tried to not laugh the more we did.
In walks Mr Serious Deacon. After scolding us like school children, He pronounced judgment upon us and left.
The laughter died,and what is funny, if that we all talked about how we felt God more with us then when were laughing then when we were praying.
God does have a sense of humor! Yes there is a time and place. But Church has to often become not the place, or the time for either. To me that is sad.
I think it makes God Sad too...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWhile growing up, my church was in the round with some circle dancing that took place in the middle, right between the worship team and the sound man. One Sunday I noticed the sound man looking at the worship team, trying to plot a way to get from point A. to point B. Of course the dancing in the center was going strong, it being right in the middle of a fast-paced, upbeat praise song.
ReplyDeleteI see the sound man resolutely step out from behind his lair of knobs and wires and...STEP INTO THE CIRCLE, GRABBING HANDS WITH THE LADIES AS HE CONTINUES TO DO THE DANCE WITH THEM UNTIL THEY DROP HIM OFF IN FRONT OF THE WORSHIP TEAM, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM .
He quickly fixed whatever problem there was with whatever amp or cable or monitor that was acting up.
But...the way he got there...I'll never forget it. It was pure genius and seamless in its execution.
One adventurous Sunday my husband and I attended a universal unitarian service to try to support my cousin in the concert her travelling women's ensemble presented there that day. We didn't really know what we were getting ourselves into, but the show-stopping number was called, I kid you not, "Big Ovaries" with the tagline, "big enough to speak my mind." It was a jazzy, soulful sounding number, where the soloist kept wiggling her hand in the pocket of her sweater...my husband and I thought she was trying to indicate her big ovaries with the gesture, but who could tell? I had just never thought I'd hear anyone singing about their ovaries in any kind of church service...
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete2 things: 1) I witnessed a pastor trying to include the story of a dude named Balaam, who had a talking donkey, into his sermon. And he was trying to be totally serious about it. lol, what a goof (+5pts)
ReplyDeleteOn the same pastors office wall: KJV, James 1:21 "Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls."
teehee, God said, "filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness" (+10 pts)
Does my personalized but totally unbiased scoring system help me win a book?
Once my brother was preaching on how even Christian fathers can loose their temper. He meant to say, he sometimes would rant and rave and pound his fists, but instead said he would rant and rave and found his piss......
ReplyDeleteYeah. it took a while before he could continue. Not sure anyone took him seriously after that!
I was on a revival team in college and one particular weekend, my team and I were in a tiny, tiny church somewhere in a wheatfield in Kansas. It very well could have been MIssouri, but really it all bleeds together....
ReplyDeleteAnyway, Friday and Saturday night of the revival had gone well with minimal damage done to either our sensitive psyches or to the church members' sensitive ears.
However, Sunday morning approached. And I'm not sure exactly what our preacher was thinking but I guess he thought "It's Sunday of Revival Week. If I didn't get 'em revival-ed up before, it's on now"
I then proceeded to witness, hands-down, the most scarring, terrifying and hilarious thing in my young church life.
Our revival team preacher began his sermon like any other night before. But towards the end there, I think he began to feel a lack in conviction? in motivation? in revival change occurring? Towards the commitment time of the sermon, he said "Do you see this jacket? This jacket doesn't own me. I don't need this jacket!" and took his jacket off. Ok, ok, if you want to make a statement, that's one way to do it. Oh but wait.
He says "Do you see this tie? God is greater than my tie. I don't need this tie!" And takes his tie off.
You can begin to imagine the grumbling, the shock, the LACK OF UNDERSTANDING from our little congregation. However, I don't think our preacher was as sensitive, because alas....
In what I have dubbed the Right Said Fred preaching move, our pastor, in this tiny little country church says to a congregation of 70-year-old+ church-goers, "Do you see my shirt?! This shirt doesn't own me!! I don't need this shirt!!" and removes his shirt from his body and throws down on the ground.
I heard one lady whisper. "If those pants come off, I'm outta here." And I would have been only one short step behind her.
Yeah... we never got invited back to that church...
I already have a copy on the way...but I go to a small church with quite a few seniors...who don't hear well...one day a lady in the back of the church gave a prayer request for her son(who is mentally handicapped)...the two 85/90 year old ladies in front of us thought they were whispering and said:
ReplyDelete"Who's talking?"
"It's the lady with the retarded boy"
About 12 years ago, I served on a church staff when we were transitioning to a more contemporary service. An old man who would sometimes wear a toupee and other times just come to church without the hairpiece was upset about the new music in church and especially the clapping that went along with it. At a church business meeting, he stood up and yanked his hairpiece off, threw it on the ground, stomped his foot and yelled out, "Whatever you do, for Christ's sake, just stop the damn clapping!"
ReplyDeleteYeah, it really happened!
I was sitting behind a family of mullets one time (that, in itself, inspires at least a chuckle.) Then, right before church started, I almost fell out when I saw Papa Mullet take his "party in the back" section and neatly tie it back into a ponytail.
ReplyDeleteOnly the fanciest for Jesus.
OK, it's not that funny in print, but it just struck me as hilarious when I saw it. Perhaps it was that Holy Laughter or something.
Our music director has a love for the hymn "Come All Christiams, Be Committed." we sing it a lot! Go figure!
ReplyDeleteOk, I don't want to cheat, but I have two:
ReplyDelete1.) One Sunday some of the younget children in our church were going to recite a verse they had learned in front of the congregation. My brother, Park, had been working on his verse all week, from Matthew 19:30. He was supposed to say, "the first shall be last and the last shall be first." However, when he got up in front of everyone, he froze a little bit and improvised. The gospel according to Park? "The first shall be last and the last shall be...next."
2.) When my sister Miller was finally old enough to spend her first week at church camp, she was so excited! She spent the whole week learning new songs and making new friends. Because she attended during elementary week, they sang a lot of the same worship songs over and over to help the younger children learn them and be able to remember them when they went home. At the end of the week, after hearing gospel presentations and Bible stories, the counselor asked Miller and the rest of her cabin if they had any questions about what they'd learned that week. Miller asked, "who is Mary Deemer?" Apparently it had frustrated her all week to sing, "I know Mary Deemer lives" and she had never even heard of this woman!
Back in my youth ministry days we took a bunch of kids on a road trip. About 20 kids purchased keychain laser light and that evening we went to the Rangers baseball game. A guy a few rows in front of us with an extremely foul mouth noticed that laser light were wizzing by his head. He stood up, beer in hand, turned around, and blasted our youth group with his foul breath and even fouler vocab. He said that if one of those lights landed on him again he'd do something about it...as soon as he sat down...you guessed it...about 20 laser lights on the back of his head!
ReplyDeleteOne events comes to mind when I was running sound for a wedding...since our sound booth is by the center aisle entrance, the wedding party was going to give the cue so that I would start the music for the bride's entrance. The usher popped his head, gave me the nod, and I started the song. The minister asked the people to stand, and as they all turned to see the bride...the doors opened and couple of late grannies were at the door and they walked up the aisle to the bride's music!
ReplyDeleteSo I was leading the youth group at our church and we decided to try something new for a fundraiser. We held a two day Bible Marathon lock-in and kids collected pledges for the number of hours they stayed awake reading the Bible aloud. We got permission to record it and make the recordings available for "donation" which equaled pretty big bucks. Turns out people will donate lots of money to hear kids read the Bible. Anyway, all is progressing smoothly (most of the Jr. Highers fell asleep before Song of Solomon). But then -- disaster. Some poor little 7th grade girl gets up to read and comes to the word "Gentiles". Are you tracking with me? Do you see where this is headed? Praise the Lord for editing...not sure people would have been thrilled to hear about Paul's ministry to the "genitals".
ReplyDeleteFor the record, this was not at my current church!
ReplyDeleteI was sitting behind an elderly couple, enjoying the worship. When the pastor started praying, I heard a quiet, but unmistakable sound of a lengthy fart come from the pew in front of me. Yeah, that forces the eyes open during a prayer, I repent of that sin. Within moments I see the old man in front of me quietly, but surely sliding across the pew, away from his wife! That's the closest I ever came to side splitting laughter in the middle of church prayer. My impulse to laugh was soon quelled by my gag reflex when the fog hit me. I too had to slide over in the pew (while the prayer was still going). I think the people behind me blamed me for that stench, as it affected them too.
A few Easters ago, I was at my hometown Lutheran church which consists of a majority of older folk. It was a beautiful service and one of my favorite highlights during my Easter celebrations is when they close the service by singing In Christ Alone. The song's lyrics at the end go like this:
ReplyDelete"No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand"
Well in the bulletin, someone happened to leave out an 'm' in the second to last line of the song. Leaving us with:
'til He returns or calls me hoe.
The congregation, mostly oblivious to the error apparently, sang the rest of the song quite strongly, unfortunately my family was unable to sing the rest.
"Watch the Lamb".... in mime, every single Easter season.
ReplyDeleteI have many, but one of my all-time favorites was the time my teen-aged daughter Grace and I visited the early service at a local Episcopal church because a friend was making a presentation about his mission trip to Mexico. We sat near the back so we could slip out a little early to make it on time to our church, where I sing and play piano in the praise band.
ReplyDeleteThe early service was formal (high church), and most of the attendees were elderly. At one point a lay reader was reading a prayer from the Book of Common Prayer, and Grace and I were following along. In a loud, droning voice, the man prayed, "OH, LORD, LET THE NEEDY BE FORGOTTEN," omitting the word "not" after "let." A very unfortunate omission, both for the needy and also for me and Grace. We burst out laughing and then spent the rest of the service trying (but failing) not to burst out laughing again. Everyone turned around and gave us dirty looks. I don't think anyone else (except our friend giving the presentation) even noticed the omission. To make matters worse, when it came time for his slide show, our friend asked everyone to move up closer to the front, so Grace and I had to get up and walk forward under the disapproving gaze of the aging congregation. Then, when we had to leave early, they all saw us leave. All I can hope is that they numbered us among the needy and quickly forgot us.
Our church has open communion - parents can allow their kids to take it at their discretion. A "bus" kid went up once for it, fairly young. Before she drank the grape juice, she held her cup up and said "cheers!"
ReplyDeletewow. thanks jon for the kind words and what an honor it is to be your friend. and to whoever gets the books, i hope you enjoy them. :) your comments are amazing! peace. mike foster.
ReplyDeletePreface 1: I attend The Salvation Army for church.
ReplyDeletePreface 2: Yes, it *is* a church. :-)
Preface 3: Often, we use live brass band music (when available) to accompany our hymns.
So, it was a Sunday night service and we were in our place on the platform (in full view of the congregation - this is important). In the band was the senior pastor and his wife, the co-pastor (who is also my best friend, and was my roommate at the time), myself and two of our teenagers.
Now, you have to understand, we were already on the verge of uncontrollable laughter because a few moments before, the senior pastor had been at the piano for a chorus sing (we're a small church), and had gotten stuck on a particular chorus, and kept trying till he got it right (we're also very informal). Well...his dear wife, who is the type of person who no one believes would cause trouble but is the perfect person to for precisely that reason, leans over to the co-pastor as says one distinct word, sotto voce......."poop."
We all *lost* it. Well, except for the 2 teenagers. Ultimately, we had to all leave the platform and regain our composure. That took us about the rest of the service....
I was sitting in a wooden pew and I looked right across the aisle at an old lady who, from what I could tell, was having a heart attack or a stroke.
ReplyDeleteShe was sliding out of the pew and getting all stiff and kind of lurching. I immediately rose to my feet and took a step towards her as my own heart skipped a beat and discovered that she was actually stretching forward with her foot in an attempt to retrieve a pen she had dropped.
True story: I used to play in the orchestra for a local Passion Play production at a church in Bemidji, MN. One year a group of teens down in the front row got ahold of some palm fronds left over from the entrance to Jerusalem scene. They began to tickle Jesus' feet on the cross. And apparently he had had some tasty baked beans and an egg salad sandwich for supper, because he kept audibly passing gas while trying not to laugh. In the silence. On the cross.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was going to die. Such conflicted emotions for a young conservative Lutheran.
Anyway, the final kicker came after his death scene. As the Roman soldier pulled Jesus from the cross and draped his body over his shoulder to carry him out, a long protracted final passing of gas was heard coming from the freshly crucified Jesus.
Kinda blew the mood.
And Jesus was played by the Senior Pastor of the church hosting the play. I still wince every time I imagine him rerunning the scene in his mind. Trying not to laugh. Trying to portray JESUS on the cross with dignity. Being tortured by palm fronds. Breaking wind.
Dude. The ultimate "Want to get away?" commercial of all time...
As the child of a worship leader, my best laughs came from watching the breakdown of communication that can easily come with worship team sign language. My mom had a set of signals she'd give for transitions, etc, but as a pianist it could get dicey. The goal was always to give the signals without interrupting the flow or having anyone notice, but if her lead vocalist was deep in worship or there was an unfortunately positioned mic stand chaos could ensue. Suddenly the team is in an unintentional round of My Life is in You, and my mother is trying to scowl but remain celebratory. Almost made up for being dragged out of bed at 6 and being stuck at two services. Almost...
ReplyDeleteNo joke... years ago (way back when we used overhead transparencies for projecting the words to worship songs), the words to the song "Come and Fill Me Up" were misspelled "Come and Feel Me Up". And of course, the unforgettable, "Lord, I Left Your Name on High". God only knows how long we used those things in service until someone finally spoke up.
ReplyDeleteTruly, its the way everyone cringes when the opening strains to Victory In Jesus starts to play. While there is a great message in the song, the version we do is twangy country somethin' somethin' and to a person, most everyone I know there can't stand it. We know we'll hear it every 8 weeks or so (and some of us plan our weekends away based on that :o) And the only way to get through it is to fake square dance in the seats
ReplyDeleteDuring a very serious sermon, the pastor was building in emotion, speaking of the lost who needed salvation. Just as he was alsmost yelling about "hellfire", he paused for effect. During that heavy pause, my 2-yr-old daughter suddenly cracked up laughing at him, her laugh boisterous and echoing through the building. The entire church started laughing and the pastor lost his place so badly that he gave up and told the worship team to come sing the closing song.
ReplyDeleteOur pastor asked rhetorically "Anyone here today really have it together in their life?" ironically raising his hand to accentuate the point he was making...
ReplyDeleteNo one in the pews raised their hand; except four year old Brianna.
Truthfully, though, she does do a good job of keeping it together.
Once when I was a kid, this guy was visiting our church at a Sunday evening service. My church is tiny. Everyone knows everyone. It's pretty old fashioned too. Everyone dresses up (except for me, whose big teenage rebellion was wearing jeans to church). Our worship consist of 100 year old hymns accompanied by a piano.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, this visitor seemed a little odd, but whatever. He asked my aunt (who plays the piano during worship) if he could sing a song for everyone. My aunt says sure. This guy gets up and starts singing Piano Man by Billy Joel. So not only was this a secular pop song being sung in our lil traditional church, but it was one that talked about drinking, smoking, and being stoned! Nobody knew what to do, so everyone just sat there for four awkward minutes.
Afterward, he said he'd love to come back again and sing more for us... but we never saw him again. I've often wondered if he goes around to different churches and punks the congregation by singing Piano Man.
I was once visiting a church in my hometown during one of my periodic trips home from college. The church had a full band—drums, electric and acoustic guitars, bass, keyboard, a male and female vocalist—and they played contemporary music. About halfway through the first song, I noticed something was a little odd about their sound. I gave them the benefit of the doubt, after all, they were a relatively small and rural church. But finally they played a song that sounded so chintzy and discordant that I knew something was really amiss here. That's when I noticed background vocals in the song but didn't see any of their mouths moving. Turns out, they had tracks playing in the background the whole time!
ReplyDeleteGee Wizz, these are funny. I'd give my vote to Vince, if I had one.
ReplyDeleteMy family and I have a real issue with offending locals (especially Catholics) when visiting places. At the Basilica of Mary Magdalene in Saint-Maximin-la-Saint-Baume there was an unfortunate translation. We went to the crypt to see the relics of Mary Magdalene and the various stone sarcophagi. One sarcophagus has St Peter engraved on it, and commenting on the traditional iconography associated with the disciple the plaque said, 'Here is St Peter shown without his cock and keys'.
On the theme of bad translations. My brother attended Hillsong, Paris, and the speaker was Australian with very little French knowledge. There was a translator and the speaker would occasionally attempt some French. He said, "Today, I am very excited", and decided to try his hand at saying it in French. "Aujord'hui, je suis trés exité." Unfortunately, exité means aroused.
My first time going to a CHristian Church, after being a lapsed Catholic for years was interesting. Prio to going my friend had introduced me to the Pastor who was a great guy and that was one of the reasons I went back. I told him the week before the service that I just hope the church doesn't collapse when I walk in.
ReplyDeleteWell we all had a great laugh and the Pastor said "Mark, if the church falls it's Gods way of telling you Welcome back"
Well I thought differently, but that's why I liked thsi guy and was going to go Sunday.
So I showed up on a beautiful Sunday morning. Everyone was greeting us as we entered and welcoming me to the service.
As the service started we hear a crash of thinder, then lightening. Of course this kept up for a while and started to get louder. Then the hail came.
When the pastor came up to the podium to speak to us, he looked for me in the crowd and asked me to stand up. He introduced me and said if the church collapses it's my fault, but we have brought Mark back to Jesus. Then everyone started to clap and then BOOM the loudest of all of the thunder and everyone looked my way as the church shudered.
I just looked back and said, "SEe what happens when you don't go to church reguarly."
My roommate was working with the AWANA group and he and the associate pastor wanted to teach the kids about materialism, so they did a skit as the Bling Brothers. They dressed up with "do-rags" and baggy clothes and jewelry and a big chain link with a big spinner rim. They talked in slang and stuff. The kids were rolling. They ended up turning it into a short film series & the parents & other leaders loved it just as much as the kids.
ReplyDeleteMy fiancée knows sign language and will occasionally help sign for the deaf attendees in her church. On this particular Sunday she wasn't helping out, but we were sitting close enough to the section for her to be able to see the signing from the person doing it that day. Before the pastor's message he was discussing some kind of event, and the information had been printed on some sort of pink paper. Ironically pink and the word penis have close to the same sign in American Sign Language, and as the pastor continued to discuss the event the deaf section grew more and more rowdy with laughter. Turns out the girl helping out kept signing for them to look at the 'penis' paper for information.
ReplyDeleteok I have 2.....years ago when I was attending an incredible church in Alabaster Al...we were ding a stages of the cross play. The last room was the crucifixion with Jesus on the cross in a loin cloth. An elderly lady overcome with emotion, or the fumes from the dry ice stumbled.....she reached for something to steady her fall and grabbed the loin cloth. Jesus for a brief moment was hanging naked on the cross in front of 30 or so people. Jesus quckly came off the cross, pulled his loin cloth back up...then crucified himself.
ReplyDelete2-
We were singing a song where the chorus said satan the blood of Jesus is against you....
After the service (again) and elderly lady took the worship leader aside and said she was offended and never coming back to the church again.
Her problem?
She was disgusted that we would sing a song that had the words.....satan the blood of Jesus is a dead jew ...
One Sunday night as we were singing praise songs off a power point screen, a song about Jesus' sacrifice were being sung. The words "and now I can sing" were supposed to come up,
ReplyDeletebut instead, the typist who did the ppt slide had goofed and it said, "and now I can sin".
Instantly these little horns grew on my head and even though I'm the pastor's wife, as I caught the eye of a friend, whose sense of humor is just as evil as mine, I gave her the thumbs up. She immediately knew what I was referring to and we got one of those incurable cases of the shaking giggles that are only stifled when you run out the door and explode for a few minutes. Relapses can occur, so we had to avoid eye contact for the rest of the month.
I'm not allowed to sit by her anymore. ;)
I think it's funny how segregated churches are ... the workplace and other social institutions push acceptance and equality, but the church seems content to be (for the most part) racially divided. :)
ReplyDeleteMany years ago I was a youth pastor in a small, stuffy baptist church. The pastor had requested that I sing a special song one morning for the service. I put on my pinstripe Bacharach suit gave the sound guy the mini-disc and took my awkward seat on the stage.
ReplyDeleteMy time came, I grabbed my microphone with it's puffy red diffuser stood in place and as the music started I heard:
"Its tearin up my heart when Im with you
And when we are apart I feel it too
And no matter what I do I feel the pain
With or without you"
YUP! The guy had switched it for his daughters NSYNC minidisc accidentally.
I laughed... the pastor was appalled, and honestly working there was tearing up my heart, so it was ironically true. I didn't work there much longer.
While speaking at our Men's Breakfast a couple of weeks ago, I got a little tongue tied. I was talking about Luke 20:27-40, the woman marrying seven brothers. I meant to say that by marrying their dead brothers wife they were "doing their duty" because it was a Jewish custom. Unfortunately what came out was "By marrying this woman they were doing the dirty." Yea, definitely not one of my bullet points.
ReplyDeleteI'll never forget one particular baptism service at a church in college. The pastor, a heavy set man, was wearing a white robe while doing the baptisms. After baptizing one of the people, he turned around and his rear end was pressed up against the glass. I'm assuming he was only wearing tighty whities underneath his robe because you could plainly see his ENTIRE BUTT plastered against the glass. Thankfully, his belly kept him from getting too close to the glass when facing forward. :-)
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I were visiting a friends church when a man in the front row was slain in the spirit. Everyone but my poor husband knew what was going on, but his police/first responder skills kicked in and he was up and practically into the aisle before I finally grabbed his shirt. But then I was laughing so hard I couldn't explain why the man didnt' need CPR, so my friend had to. It was classic. Later my friend told the pastor and he ambled up and said "easy killer". I about peed myself.
ReplyDeleteheather gets my vote--the stranger singing piano man-what a hoot!!
ReplyDeleteany way-a friend of ours shared a pretty life transforming testimony-wearing one of those "cardboard testimonies "around his neck,pretty heavy stuff-so then pastor goes up with his "cardboard testimony' that read something like"timid-afraid of what people think" when he flipped it over it spelled "BALD" which of course should have read "bold." really killed the moment-he is balding a little and it really was quite funny....
gonna have to be anonymous on this one-not sure if he thought it was as funny as everyone else did
At a particularly heated moment, one of our youth leaders THREW A CHAIR at one of the other youth leaders. And no-one ever rebuked her either.
ReplyDeleteOne of our pastors lacks a verbal filter. It's not that he says cruel or vulgar things... he doesn't. But, he says things with out thinking of how they sound.
ReplyDeleteOnce, while speaking to the youth group, he was trying to make an example on how changing your perspective can be a good thing. He had two of the teens come up to the stage - one boy and one girl. He had the boy stand between him and the girl and then made the point that his view of the girl wasn't a good perspective because the boy was in the way. Then he leaned back and said something to the effect of "when I change perspective, she looks good from back here." I know what he was trying to say... but it was enough to make the girl blush.
And during our main weekend service a couple weeks ago, he said "Jesus' man parts." I don't remember the context of that statement, but my sister-in-law (who was visiting from out of town) leaned over and asked "Did he just say 'Jesus' man parts?'"
Those are the two easiest to remember examples. He says things like that frequently. I don't want to bash on him though - because he is a friend of mine. I have told him he needs a five second filter. At his worst he's good for an unintended laugh. Thankfully, he's got a good sense of humor and is capable of laughing at himself.
I was running the sound board at church many years ago for a wedding. The groom was very nervous and when repeating his vows he said, "with this ring, I thee bed!--Wed, pastor, I said wed, really!" The more he tried to fix it the worse it got! I don't know who was more entertaining--the groom or the pastor trying to not burst out laughing.
ReplyDeleteWe are out in the rural parts of ohio, and as the bats have been creeping into our church, we have used some interesting methods to remove them. One such method has topped them all. I love coming to the church and noticing the bird shot marks on the wall where one of our church people got rid of the pesky varmant. Nothings better than bringing a shotgun into church for some bat killing :)
ReplyDeleteI don't have a terribly funny story myself, but I will never forget the fact that my husband and the youth pastor, along with some other teenagers, tortilla'd the pastors house...
ReplyDeleteTortilla's?
Not TP, not forks... Corn Tortillas!
so the funniest thing ever was when my dad, pastor of our church, was baptizing a senior age lady. He did the usual intro about the father, son, and Holy spirit. When he dipped the lady down into the water, her wig came off of her head and was floating in the water. Guess what! the wig was still floating in the water when that poor senior woman came up!
ReplyDeleteMy brother-in-law is planting a college church, so we go to there and support him. One Sunday, he opted to be bold and continue his progression through 1 Corinthians, even though the next section was all about sexual sin. Eek! He did really well, and made the sermon approachable and informative without being whip-cracking. I was so proud of him! I most appreciated how he injected a little bit of humor into such a tough subject, but continually mispronouncing it, "sexual SHins". I kept cracking up at inappropriate times, picturing a cartoonish shin with red lipstick and fishnets, batting its eyelashes at the crowd. XD!
ReplyDeleteAs an elementary student, I went to a Christian school which was attached to our church. If you were "good" you would be allowed to get out of class to be an altar boy in the church. I was an altar boy a lot(duh), and I witnessed many crazy incidents. One sticks in my mind as the best.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a tradition where we used a lot of water sprinkling. We had one minister who was a little over-zealous in the use of said water. He did his best to get the folks wet all_the_way at the end of the row. This took a little effort since the row could sometimes be up to 10 people deep.
This particular service featured our water-zealot, myself, a bucket of water and a well-used water sprinkling "wand-like thingy" (I forget the correct name.) The minister was sprinkling for all he was worth. As we walked slowly down the isle and sprinkled the folks in the pews some would kneel briefly in recognition of the solemnity of the event. The poor saps who sat in the center closest to the isle got simply drenched. Luckily for all those involved on that day, we had quite a pious group because to the surprise of all, without warning, calamity struck. Just as our minister wound up for a major drenching, the top of the "wandy-thing" decided to separate from the handle. It flew straight at the heads of the unsuspecting attenders only a fraction of a second after they kneeled, missing them all and crashing into the stained glass window on the far side of the church. There was a moment of confusion, dare I say disbelief?The minister looked at me, then the wand, then at me, and simply shrugged and continued.
After the service the minister and I had a good laugh. He said something to the effect of, "good thing they kneeled, that might have brought new meaning to that part of the service, at least for one or two of them if they didn't kneel. I bet they would the next time!"
-->Classic.
Our pastor was trying to use a metaphor describing the grabbing/keeping powers of the devil. Unfortunately what came out was:
ReplyDelete"Satan will sneak up behind you and wrap his testicles around you."
Satan must be extremely old.
My favorite church-spectating event is watching worship-leading-by-committee. As far as I have been able to discover, there are two essential pillars of doctrinal dogma for Baptists: having an organist and a pianist, both of whom play at the same time from opposite sides of the pulpit; and committees.
ReplyDeleteThis occasionally leads to unintentionally hilarious subplots during morning worship. The funniest recent example I can think of was watching a particularly demonstrative choir director/worship leader attempt to lead an invitational hymn. Unfortunately, his version included some heartfelt rubato in the phrasing that didn't make it from the ends of his flapping elbows over to his two co-leaders.
What followed was a brief, silent, furious power struggle, with the tempo of the hymn and the allegiance of the congregation at stake. The choir director looked to his right for an ally in the pianist, because it was the organist who had decided to remain blithely indifferent to the choir director's emotion-wringing cadences. The congregation was pretty evenly divided at first, leading to the kind of echoing mumble you get during responsive readings, except with more confusion, and worse intonation. The choir director's looks got darker, the organist kept plowing ahead, and eventually the organist swayed the pianist to her side, deposed the choir director, and won over the congregation. All over three stanzas of "Just As I am." A beautiful Baptist moment. Lots of 'heart-blessings' all around after that, probably.
One time this lady came out of the bathroom at church and walked all the way from the back of the sanctuary toward the platform. About the time she got to the foot of the platform, about 5 women running full speed ahead reached her and almost tackled her to the ground. You see, she was about to walk up the stairs of the platform and help lead worship with her dress tucked into her nude pantyhose. She wasn't wearing any underwear, and you could see her entire butt. When told that she was about to share her goodies with 700 churchgoers, her response was, "This dress always does that." as if her collar was turned up funny.
ReplyDeleteFunniest thing I ever noticed...
ReplyDeleteMy pastor's fly was down & his leg was propped up on the stool, as he was greeting the Sunday morning fellowship. Oh yeah, it should be noted that he's my husband, too. The music guy & I were standing in the back motioning & trying to subtly tell him to zip up but all we did was aggravate him cuz he thought we were cutting up ( I don't know why he would think that). When he finally figured it out he got off the stool & walked around the corner while telling everyone how we had indicated that he needed to zip up his pants. Ahh...church planters are crazy!! I laid down in the back and laughed until I cried!!
Wow, so many stories to pick from... I help with our drama team that puts on the shows for our preschool vbs. Some of the stuff I have seen from that are stuff like a 40 year old woman chasing a 35 year old woman around the deck of the pirate ship that was our stage with a twizzler loop in her nose like a bull horn. Last year we had rapping/beat boxing lions. that was epic. Our improv troupe has shot muffins a crossed our youth room out of a gigantic PVC pipe (it was powered by a leaf blower) I was actually on the receiving end of one of those muffins... it was like cement and hurt soooo bad! It did not break apart like a normal muffin should... but then again the lady who made it is notorious for not being a good cook. So I should have expected that.
ReplyDeleteRecently visiting at my old church I was sitting next to a lady who probably had some sort of disability. The Pastor preaching was talking about how much he has learnt from being in Church community and how you get "the good, the bad..." and he trailed off. The lady next to me helpfully yelled out and finished his sentence with "and the ugly" which set the whole congregation off laughing, but it was so bad for my friend, I didn't want to laugh too hysterically because she was sitting right next to me, but it was pretty funny. I didn't draw blood biting my lip at least :-)
ReplyDeleteOh and another time, at my church our Pastor noticed a family there for the first time with their newborn baby, so in the middle of his preaching he stopped and asked where the little 'basket' was.
ReplyDeleteMeaning the capsule for the car, not what it sounded like, b*stard. There were some visitors that day that never came back.
In a serious, silent moment at church, a young boy let out a lot of gas...and it was loud. I have never witnessed so many people trying to stifle their laughter in my life. Very funny stuff.
ReplyDeleteThere's an elderly lady who sits on the front row at our chuch and periodically drinks Bud Light during the service.
ReplyDeleteI go to a fairly large church, and when people sit down "next to" another person they don't know, they generally choose to leave an empty seat between them. When the church is full or close to it, of course, they have to sit directly beside each other. They squeeze closer together, but it's like pushing together the north ends of two magnets. The "one seat" space may shrink to "one Bible" space, or, at last resort, "one bulletin" space, but that only increases the potential energy, which, at the end of the service, translates into an even faster outward explosion of humanity into the aisles. It's funny in an "iron"ic sort of way.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in an Episcopal church and every Christmas service we had a procession with 2 candles, a crucifer with the cross and an incense bearer.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 16 or 17, I was in charge of the incense (which smelt up the whole church for days) and my best friend Betsy had the cross. I was to go first, followed by Betsy, followed by the two candle holders (one of whom was Betsy's younger brother Michael).
As we were waiting to process, Michael told Betsy that he wasn't feeling well. Betsy's response was that of an older sister: she laughed at him.
So as the entire church (full for the Christmas service) stood up and turned to the back of church to watch us process in, Michael proceded to throw-up all over the back of church.
Betsy and I of course thought it was hilarious...we still bring it up in conversations!
Two things came to mind right away.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure this already has to be in the SCL archives already... but it still cracks me up. People who pray/ worship like they're in pain. Like the guy who clutches his chest and rocks back and forth during his favorite emotional song... or the woman who makes two fists right by her head and squints her eyes really hard whilst shaking her head... or the young guy who puts both hands around the back of his neck and pulls his head towards his lap during a good prayer/ song.
Another fave... PowerPoint worship typos. I had a worship pastor named Chris who SWORE to us that it was a typo when the letter 'T' was left off of Christs name during worship. Chris also sang a lot of his songs with a bit of a twang in his voice. We had a young teen who would sit in during worship practice to transcribe the songs into PowerPoint. He did this mostly by ear. Usually not a problem until Chris (with is southern twang) sang, "My soul takes refuge in the shadow of your wangs." Ooops!
When we were building Grace with Builders for Christ we sang "Join our Hearts" EVERY WEEK. I think each week the new Builders for Christ team thought we were singing it for the first time. Little did they know that we sang it each week. I'm pretty sure that the pastor (whom I still love and consider a huge mentor to me along with his oldest son...:) ) was the only one that sang it with any enthusiasm after week...everyone else just rolled their eyes
ReplyDeleteI tend to sit with the teens in my church--they are so much more fun than the folks my age,generally.
ReplyDeleteOne Sunday they forever changed a classic hymn for me when they sang "His eye is on Jack Sparrow, and I know He's watching me!
I'll never be able to hear it any other way!!
My church uses one of these awesome subscriptions to powerpoint backgrounds for the worship slides. Someone on the tech-team always slides one into the rotation that has exploding flower petals that look like Pringles chips. Always makes me hungry in church because "Once you pop..."
ReplyDeleteThe preacher who said "we must be clothed with immorality" instead of immortality. Our faces gave it away though!
ReplyDeleteI was up front for the invitation and the pastor was praying. Like normal, I was watching the congregation. As I scanned one section of the sanctuary, I saw a rather large man pull up his shirt, exposing his hairy belly and chest, and start scratching for all he was worth. I drew blood biting the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing out loud during prayer.
ReplyDeleteSome of us practitioners of exotic, and frightening branches of the faith (like Roman Catholicism and Orthodoxy) exchange the kiss of peace. While the politics of the Holy Kiss are a post unto themselves (how do I make sure my friend's boyfriend can't possibly misread this? I'll bet Jen is standing next to Brad just to exchange the kiss of peace... One cheek, the other cheek, oh? you're swooping in for a third?) My favorite story occured during my conversion process... I had grown up shaking hands and giving your neighbor a hug, so it took me a while to remember that the correct call and response was "Christ is in our midst" "He is and ever shall be" but I finally had this mastered one Sunday, and when it came time to exchange the holy kiss, I turned to a young woman sitting next to me (apparently a visitor) who stretched out her hand for a good old-fashioned American handshake, smiled, and said, "peace"
ReplyDeleteA few years ago, when midriff baring tops were all the rage, and you'd see a fair amount of belly buttons even in church, our pastor derailed his sermon once to talk a bit about modesty. He told the ladies of the church that yes, he understood the prevailing fashion was "the classy hooker," but could we please take a second look at ourselves before walking out the door.
ReplyDeleteAn enthusiastic response from the congregation, especially from a woman a couple of rows ahead of me, who was applauding loudly and even cheering audibly.
When the service was over, she turned around --
and she was wearing the tightest, lowest-cut top I've ever seen in church (or anywhere else). It was basically a bikini top, pushing everything up, out and in your face, skin tight, leaving nothing to the imagination. This was the woman who was cheering for modesty!
I caught the eye of a friend a few pews away, and we both started howling with laughter... Some folks just don't see themselves....
When I was in eighth grade, my dad was one of three men being ordained as deacons in our church. The ceremony consisted of every ordained man present (my guess was about 65 people) lined up to lay hands on each of them and pray. As you can imagine, this is possibly the most quiet and boring ceremony in the world because you can't hear any of the prayers going on, and each prayer seemed to take at least five minutes. Finally, one deacon came up, laid his hands on my dad, appeared to say about three words, and moved on. This of course caused my 22 year old brother (a future pastor) to lay his hands on my 25 year old brother and whisper, "What he said." Well, this put them both into a fit of giggles that spread throughout the entire row. So in the middle of this quiet,solemn, holy ceremony, an entire row is giggling uncontrollably.....except my grandfather who was sitting next to me.
ReplyDeleteA little old lady stood up to sing and her half slip fell down.
ReplyDeleteDuring Christmas season, a little old man with a pointy red Santa hat with a white dingle ball, was falling asleep...he was sitting in the second row.
One of my mom's favorite stories to tell (she was a pastor's kid), is about a missionary who visited the Spanish speaking church my grandpa pastored. He got up on stage and said that he would sing the song, "He Touched Me" in English, but special (because he just realized he was in a Spanish speaking audience?!?!) So in a Spanish accent, "Hee tooshed me..."
After reading this site,almost everything about church became funny (in a holy way, of course).
ReplyDeleteGreetings (side-hugs) could no longer occur without an accompanying secretive giggle betweeen me and the select few that also read this blog.
I can no longer sit through a prayer without pinpointing 'the ninja.'
I am no longer decieved by 'the guy with the guitar.' He really does know only two songs.
Now, when someone who is definitely not me texts during the sermon, an abundance of christian emoticons are put to use.
I love church.
So if we can vote, Dean's second story, jskogerboe, jen and Suzanne's stories all killed me :)
ReplyDeleteI don't have a great one, my Dad and I have a similar sense of humor that's a bit ummmm, off?
Talking to my Dad last week he said that he's had to stop watching the choir when it's music time to avoid laughing.
A woman at the church who is very pretty and used to do dramatic flute solos when I was in high school has apparently started playing the bongos. She has weak wrists apparently, so she wears these thick black braces on her wrists to play the bongos.
The sight of an attractive woman in her late 40's wearing black wrist supports to dramatically flail on bongos is too much for my Dad to handle w/o breaking up.
one word: shofar
ReplyDeleteWell, the shofar, plus the flags and women in flowing leotards dancing. It was a worshipful time for sure, as long as I kept my eyes closed.
At Bible camp one year, one of the kids in my cabin asked to be baptized. His dad came to do it and just before he lowered the kid in the water, he said, "By the power vested in me by God and the state of Arkansas, I baptize you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." I didn't know Arkansas had a stake in baptisms!
ReplyDeleteI was visiting a church that did a 15 minute medley switching between two songs whose choruses were somewhat incompatible...
ReplyDeleteSong #1:
Your fire fall down
Fire fall down
On us we pray
Song #2:
Holy Spirit, rain down, rain down
Oh Comforter and Friend
How we need Your touch again
Holy Spirit, rain down, rain down
So I was preaching a sermon on Nehemiah at a small baptist church with an older congregation. During the sermon I intended to say Nehemiah prayed for success and we need to pray for success too, instead I said "we need to pray for sex". Realizing instantly what I said, I added another sex and I am still not sure why. Ultimately, it sounded like I said "we need to pray for sex...sex" and then I kept on moving, acting like nothing ever happened.
ReplyDeleteStuff Christians like. Yeah.
The pastor of our large baptist church growing up was preaching about the church and he was trying to say the church could be compared to a living and growing organism only it didn't come out that way. Instead he said, "The church is a living orgasm." When trying to say it correctly he slowed down and with great articulation and emphasis said the exact same thing! Poor guy, he was so flustered he could NOT get it right. And of course nobody heard anything else he was saying the rest of the night and ever since then I've had a hard time looking at the church as a living and growing organism....even if it is true!
ReplyDeletethe sly nose pick during a prayer.
ReplyDeletethis past father's day, the children's sermon leader gave all the kids a get out of work pass to give to their daddy's as a gift. my 4 year old son sweetly asked: "can i give mine to my mommy instead. she does all the work at our house!"
ReplyDeleteSome kids from the neighborhood started dropping in on our church services from time to time. They had absolutely no church or religious background. We loved it and loved them! It was cool to experience the familiar stories through their eyes and cultural viewpoint. During Xmas, when the SS teacher explained how surprising it was that Mary found herself with child but without a husband, one young girl blurted out "Uh, uh, I know ladies who get pregnant all the time without husbands!" Looking at the classroom full of wide-eyed 2nd graders, the SS teacher considered the risks of opening that can of sex-related worms, and graciously conceded and moved on.
ReplyDeleteOur dear sweet elderly neighbor used to take my three young girls out to eat at the "fancy country club restaurant" as a treat. I didn't ask alot of questions about their time together; I simply treasured her love for my girls. I learned a little more about these special times together when my middle daughter presented her dad and I a book titled "things I'm thankful to Jesus for" that she made in SS. Under that category of favorite foods, Christa wrote "Shirley Temples" and drew a picture of a large drink filled martini glass with a cherry on a stick. Yep, her SS looked at us strangely for quite a few weeks.
ReplyDeleteI didn't realize we could do weddings. My wedding story is better.
ReplyDeleteThe bride walked down the aisle to Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Love Changes Everything." Well, someone must have forgotten to push the stop button because just as the pastor started to pray we heard the organ intro for "Phantom of the Opera" blasting through the speakers.
Everything seemed to be fine for a while. Then, the ring bearer suddenly threw up all over the pillow. As the little boy's mother took him to the bathroom, she had handed the pillow to the best man who proceded to try to clean the vomit off with the sleeve of his tuxedo. Everyone died laughing, especially the groom.
A few minutes later, it was time to light the unity candle. Only, the dumb thing wouldn't light, so the groom just held his candle behind the big one to give the illusion it had been lit.
Finally, the ceremony ended, the couple kissed, and the bride's neice (the maid of honor) yelled "Eeeeewwwww!"
Believe it or not, a million other things also went wrong that day, but these were the best parts to actually happen inside the church.
We once had a special Christmas service. The church was dark, and each person went to the altar, lit a candle, and stood against the wall of the sanctuary. It was very moving -- except for one elderly man who fell asleep in the very beginning of the service. When he finally woke up, he was alone in the middle of a circle of people singing and holding candles. He seriously thought he had died. Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteOne of the funny things(which is also a little annoying)that I noticed at my church is the repetition of songs that people have become "led by the Spirit" while singing them. For example, someone in my church prophesied after the worship team sang "God of This City"; therefore, for about three weeks or more they played that song every Sunday. This has happened on more than one occasion, and from the attitude of the congregation, i.e. their shouts and screams of praise, my family seems to be the only ones who notices this Spiritual Song Repetition.
ReplyDeleteMy home church growing up was a split of a split of a split. (Baptist much, you ask? Oh yes. Yes indeed) As you might imagine, being a third generation church-split, we carried a little bit of baggage and a whole lot of dysfunction when it came to handling disagreements. On the occasion of our church's 10th anniversary, in the aftermath of a disagreement over opening the church to more youth activities, one of the deacons suggested we have a celebration of our 10 years "ministering" to the city. His wife made an amazing cake built and decorated in an EXACT replica of our church building. I mean it was amazing and beautiful. Deacon D carried it lovingly to the front of the church that morning and presented it to the body with some inspirational words of tribute and thanks. As he ended, he raised the cake high, high into the air, announcing "and for all of you who are so worried that allowing youth into our church will destroy our church, I give you this!"...and he threw, I mean, THREW that cake to the maroon carpeted floor, grabbed his wife's hand and left the sanctuary. All we could do was sit in stunned silence, a huge pile of a white cake and buttercream frosting irony mocking us all.
ReplyDeletePoint made. Point received. Thanks Deacon D.
I once saw a black light puppet show where the group of puppets sang a song and at the end the lead puppet stuck a gun to his head and commited suicide. it was extremely disturbing
ReplyDeleteOne Sunday, my husband, the pastor, was preaching on the warning signs God gives Christians before we head off into a life of sin. During the children's sermons before the actual sermon, he tries to put his main point into a package that the kids can understand. So on this particular Sunday he asked the kids if they knew what a yellow traffic light meant. One little girl gleefully and diffinitively called out "Drive faster!" That was not quite what he had in mind... Her mom turned purple!
ReplyDeleteAll in all, a great moment, I thought!
These have cracked me up! Just to add my two cents
ReplyDeleteMy mom recently told me of the story of my uncle and aunts wedding. We come from Kenya originally and in African culture there is still usually a dowry given to the bride, which is usually in the form of some cows. Well my grandma's son (my uncle) had to give the cow to my Aunt. What usually happens is something symbolic is presented at the ceremony (like a rope) to confirm a dowry had been given. But this just wouldnt do for my grandma! She thought the least we could do is present an actual cow.
Soooo, my beloved grandma decided during the wedding ceremony in the church to march the cow down the aisle to the bride and groom and present it to them and then turned it around and marched right out of the church!
I was on the floor when I heard this! Not sure who was really being given away, the bride or the cow!
I really miss my grandma she passed away a few years back, and a more funny, lively and righteous woman I have never met since.
When I was about 10 years old, my dad pastored a small Baptist Church in Salem, Oregon.
ReplyDeleteOne day, while delivering a message on the evils of lying, he used a story to illustrate how what starts as a simple lie or two can eventually develop into an ongoing habit.
He told the story of his uncle, who was known far and wide for stretching the truth. This particular uncle used to claim, in all seriousness, that he remembered roping dinosaurs.
This would have been funny enough, but when my father told the story, he messed a few words up and the story came out that his uncle used to talk about going out and 'raping dinosaurs'.
As you can imagine, this definitely got the attention, and chuckles, of much of the church.
-The Poor Husband.
www.lifewithrachael.blogspot.com
Babies are such wonderful little worship distractions!
ReplyDeleteThe church our family attended at the time was a small, Baptist church. As most Baptist churches, there was an "invitation" or alter call at the end, right after the preaching and right before the "prayerssip." This is when the congregation sings a song and you are encouraged to come to the front of the church to pray at the "alter"...or at the steps in front of the stage if your church is small enough.
As you can imagine, this is a very sober time where NOTHING, and I do mean NOTHING funny is EVER supposed to happen.
As we all stood to sing, our friends behind us began to snicker as quiet as they possibly could. Soon, a few more friends began to snicker and then a few more and a few more...
We had no idea that there was any snickering going on behind us. We were simply singing and my husband was holding our 1 year old, happy that she was quiet and occupied during this sober time.
The song ended, the "prayerssip", finished, and the closing prayer was just about to begin. My sweet daughter lovingly looked at her daddy, smiled, and began playing with his lips and sticking her finger inside his mouth, as many babies love to do.
What we didn't realize at the time, but everyone behind us did, was that during the entire alter call, our daughter had been picking her nose.
...and lovingly wiped them all over Dad's lips.
Carmen-I high five you, shake your hand, side hug you and want our autograph!!! OMGOSH I hate it when songs are repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over... Last week there was some confusion about who was leading worship that Sunday at, oh...three minutes before church is supposed to start. Not only did they sing 6 or so songs that are SO WAY DONE (As the Deer, More Precious Than Silver, Lord I Lift Your Name on High, I Will Call Upon the Lord...should I go on or have you had enough torture?), but they sang the EXACT same songs from the previous week!!!
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm not bitter, why?
I attend a Covenant church which merged a couple of years ago with an older church (an amazing story to say the least). We are in partnership with a non-profit cafe to minister to the surrounding neighborhoods. At an annual meeting, we were discussing ways to support the cafe and bring in more patrons. Well, Mrs N., a 70-year old German immigrant and very much a spitfire, stood up and said "We should serve alcohol at the cafe!" Right after, our pastor had it stricken from the notes. This same woman shared with a group of us (20-30 years in age) at a church potluck all her favorite bars, who the bartenders are, her favorite beers, and so on.
ReplyDeleteFunniest things in Church are bulletin mistakes. Shortly after I graduated from high school my Youth Pastor was moved into the role of Associate Pastor for the church. His first Sunday preaching the bulletin abbreviated Associate Pastor as Ass Pastor. Now this event
ReplyDeletetook place 13 years ago and still to this day me
and others you graduated from that youth group refer to him as the Ass Pastor.
My teenage sons and I were attending a church about one hour from our home during the time when gas prices topped $4/gallon. We were making the drive 3 times a week in a large passenger van. After service one day, our pastor was talking to me about the amount of money I was spending on fuel. He innocently said " Lord, bless this woman's gas". I immediately heard a snicker behind me and my 15 year old son began sharing --loudly--that the pastor just blessed his momma's gas.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy teasing some of the young children in my church, i am usually well received by them. one of the kids i regularly interact with came up to me after Sunday school and before church. He came up to me swinging and lets just say that at his height in comparison to mine, I was in significant danger of being clocked below the belt.
ReplyDeleteSo in interest of self preservation, I spun him around and put him in a restraining hold and before I knew it, I was holding him upside down by his ankle.
Then his Dad walked up the stairs right behind me...
It was not so much what I saw as what I heard. Our associate pastor was doing a sermon on putting God first in your life. He had a large container and a bunch of nerf ball. He asked the congregation to shout out things that fill our life. As he was running out of nerf balls, someone shouted out children. His reply. "I just don't have the balls for children."
ReplyDeleteWhile "volunteering" in a childrens Sunday school class; we had the kids make an art project for Mother's Day. The theme was "The perfect gift," and the kids were to make a poster of what would be the perfect gift for their mom - best answer: margaritas!
ReplyDeleteAt my super small church we have a lady who likes to be the first person to jump up out of her seat when it's time to stand for various parts of the church service. Sometimes she even beats the pastor! She sits near the front, of course, and seems to make it her goal to be the first person standing. Well, one time she sprung up to her feet at a part where the congregation wasn't supposed to stand. Since she was in the front, she didn't realize until after a few awkward moments that she was the only one standing. Priceless.
ReplyDeleteI think the funniest thing I've ever noticed at church is when it's time to hold hands for some sort of prayer time and a few things occur:
ReplyDelete1. Before prayer - You slyly shimmy over to someone you feel comfortable enough entering into your "personal bubble."
2. During prayer - You start getting anxious when prayer starts to go long and your hands start to get hot and sweaty. You hope the other person thinks it's THEIR hands that are causing the uncomfortable squish and slide between you two.
As other people are praying that the Holy Spirit will descend on and bless the time there, you are silently praying just as hard that the Holy Spirit WONT descend on this time and it will end promptly...and then you immediately feel guilty for this heretical prayer request.
3. After prayer - Your first instinct is to swiftly wipe your hands on your pants or skirt - but try to do it stealthily while "reaching" for your cell phone in your back pocket or pretending to wipe a piece of fuzz off your pant leg.
A few weeks ago at church, the baptistry was too full of water. When the person was dunked under, it made a big splash and soaked the men on the back row of the choir below - right on top of their heads. The pastor had to come up and preach after that - kind of hard to refocus the congregation. A couple of weeks later, it was time for the next baptism. I looked up, and the men on the back row had moved to the sides of the choir loft!
ReplyDeleteAbout a year ago on Youth Sunday (where the high school kids lead worship & the youth director preaches) the students were teaching a congregation of about 1000 people the song "Take it all" by Hillsong United. At the chorus of "take, take, take it all!" they were encouraging everyone to throw their fists in the air to the beat. The boy playing bass thought it would be best if he leaned forward into the mic and say, "if you do not do this, Jesus will kill you."
ReplyDeleteYou could hear the awkward silence that followed.
two words: human videos.
ReplyDelete80% of the time, they are funny 100% of the time.
Our youth group passes time by playing what we have titled 'The Random Game.' It is really simple. Someone stands on stage and throws out random questions. (A high school you don't go to? Opponent's eye color? Capitol of Mexico?) Two people face off and the first to answer wins and goes again. The loser sits down.
ReplyDeleteDuring one youth service we had been playing for a few minutes, and this one kid had been dominating the game when Shelby, the sweet and innocent girl in the youth group, came up to play. The question was thrown out: "Word that rhymes with fit?" to which Shelby quickly yelled "SH**!"
Everyone laughed for a long time, and even the youth pastor couldn't keep it together when it was time to start the lesson.
Years ago, back before pews had that fancy padding on them and we sat like real men on bare wood (well, I was just a boy then), we had a nice old lady in the church who had a problem that is just hilarious to young boys. Turns out it is hilarious to old boys as well, but you wouldn't have known it from listening to the men of the church at the time. She would lean over and just fart like you wouldn't believe multiple times every service. The aforementioned pews served a great "sounding board" for her musicalness, and the pew behind her was always populated with young ones trying to not slip off of their pew from the laughing.
ReplyDeleteAs it turns out, she was suffering from Alheimers and would have been appalled if she knew what she was doing. That probably is why the adults didn't think it was so funny, but as an 8 year old boy, nothing was funnier.
I still chuckle a little every time I hear the name Ruth.
worship team leader dressed like a mix between cat woman and a dominatrix - I wanted to ask where the whip was - on that note - are you ever going to make a Female Worship Team leader checklist?
ReplyDeletehippie, Sunday school teaching guy who wore thick tan socks with birkenstocks all winter long.
Ok, so this little boy caught a squirrel and decided to bring it with him to church. In the middle of the service, it got loose & started frantically jumping on people. It crawled up the dress of one older lady and she must have thought the Holy Spirit was working on her because she started confessing sins out loud! Oh wait, that's the Mississippi Squirrel Revival: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgFjLB4VYSU
ReplyDeleteSeriously, my husband once slipped up while teaching our singles class and said, "Jesus led a sinful life."
My votes: jskogerboe, kieley b, & paula
One absurdity that I remember from the church I grew up in was how the Pastor would use the wireless mic as a "get-out-of-the-sanctuary-while-saying-the-closing-prayer-without-having-to-shake-anyone's-hand" device. Sorry, I got a little carried away with the -, but you get the point. Every Sunday I would peek during the final prayer so I could see him pray (with his eyes open) as he walked up the center aisle, out the double doors, and into the atrium. Must be nice getting to Shoney's first...
ReplyDeleteRecently, my husband, two sisters-in-law and their husbands, and their two small children went back to the church they had grown up in and their dad had been a pastor at for 17 years. With the kids around, we sat in the "families with small children" seats, which in their church is at the back of the sanctuary in a seperate room with a huge picture window looking out over the congregation to the stage.
ReplyDeleteWhat we didn't know was that the projector was broken, so there was nowhere to display the words to the hymns (though there are hymnals in every seat...) so the whole congregation, upon the start of the first song, stood up, and turned around. 300 people were now facing us and staring at us through the picture window, trying to keep a newborn quiet and control a 3-year-old while they all looked at the worship leader who was standing at the back of the church instead of the front. So yes, for the twenty minutes we gustily sang hymns like rock stars, off-key and bopping to the music while everyone stared at how awkward the old pastor's family has come to be.
My first time helping serve communion at my church I was holding the cup as people came to take the Lord's Supper by intinction (take a piece of the bread and dip it into the cup.) A sweet little old lady of between 80 and 90 came up and took the bread and then came to me and the cup...only she had already eaten her bread. In a moment of panic after she realized what she had done, she took two fingers dipped 'em in the cup and licked her fingers. All I had time to say was, "Amen".
ReplyDeleteWhen my brother and I were in middle school, we sat with our (single) mom during "big church."
ReplyDeleteAt that time, the elders passed the communion trays.
So one Sunday, Mom went to hand us the communion elements. And we flinched. Like she routinely hit us.
She was mortified. He & I had to leave because we were laughing uncontrollably.
Ok, this didn't happen in church, but I felt like sharing it anyways.
ReplyDeleteOne time my family and I were eating in an authentic Mexican Restaurant (Alebrije...I still can't say it right so I'm told). As we were finishing up, my brother was given the bill, and he did a double-take as soon as he saw it. I was thinking, "Did they overcharge us?" When I saw the very bottom of the receipt, I read it rather quickly and started laughing, thinking, "What?!?". I had thought it said, "Pray to your Savior, Jesus".
Upon closer reading, I realized it actually said, "Pay to your server, Jesus." (pronounced Hey-soos). Wow, I think it may be time for those glasses!
Does it count if it was my idea? As a youth pastor, I thought a creative way to have a memorable lesson on the parable of the sower during a sermon in a Sunday church service was to gently toss some candy into the audience. I recruited some junior high boys to help. They didn't understand what I meant by "gently toss" so they were flinging candy at full strength. Once it started, I froze up. All you could hear was a rat-a-tat-tat of candy hitting wooden pews, people saying "ow", children crying, a lot of groaning, and everyone was pretty much just ducking for cover.
ReplyDeleteOur church meets in a music venue in Charlotte, NC. A VERY old and not very nice building. One Sunday, in the middle of the sermon, a rat came out from under the stage and walked up the aisle.
ReplyDeleteMy pastor totally lost his concentration.
I really miss my old church. Of the many things I miss are the creative people that help make things like advertising a men's meeting so interesting. One of their funnier moments:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/user/OasisMcFly#play/uploads/4/dEUWbnqYLos
To understand why we were about dying laughing in our chairs, you may have to either a.) know the people or b.) watch the first two advertisements:
http://www.youtube.com/user/OasisMcFly#play/uploads/6/E-OxwoaHixI
http://www.youtube.com/user/OasisMcFly#play/uploads/5/ocO7u2ptyi0
When I was a children's pastor I asked "What are you thankful for?" during the Children's Message the Sunday before Thanksgiving. One little boy dlightfully replied, "MY PENIS!" over the microphone for all to hear!
ReplyDeleteWatching people try to make change in the offering plate always makes me laugh.
ReplyDeleteWatching people try and make change in the offering plate always makes me laugh.
ReplyDeleteOne time during the opening song our drummer dropped a stick and just as the song ended he yelled 'CRAP' fairly loudly. The priest just carried on with the service as if it hadn't occurred. It was a classic moment that we still laugh about.
ReplyDeleteIn the bulletin there was a typo in the words for "Since Jesus Came Into My Heart"
ReplyDeleteThey lyrics in the bulletin started:
What a wonderful change in my life has beer wrought.
Sign choirs are hilarious to me. First of all, it seems a little rude for non-hearing impaired people to sign for non-hearing impaired people. Wouldn't that be the same as me deciding wheel chairs were cool and riding in one all the time even though I have two working legs? Also, it seems wrong that whenever someone decides a particular sign isn't "pretty enough," or doesn't go with the music, they just make up a movement to replace it with, so if there were any hearing impaired people in the service, they would have no idea what was going on. They must think, "Hey, I was with them right up until they started doing the hula." It also seems like a way for us Baptists to dance in church and get away with it. The bottom part of their bodies may be all Baptist, but from the waste up, they could be breaking it on down and no one would say a word. Plus, why do the movements have to be 110x larger than regular sign? Is it for people who happen to be both vision and hearing impaired or are we trying to sign so that any lost astronauts in space might see the rendition of I Can Only Imagine and be saved? And don't even get me started on white gloves or black lights!
ReplyDeleteThe youth leader/worship pastor was giving the sermon, and he always uses illustrations to go along with his sermons. He asked for a volunteer, and an elderly man volunteered to participate. The worship pastor had chosen an illustration that was similar to the experiment with Pavlov's dog. He rang a cowbell and then popped a balloon. After doing this several times, the man looked at the pastor and said "I forgot to tell you I'm deaf." The entire congregation burst out laughing, and for the second service, he made sure to choose his own "volunteer."
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWe ARE allowed to make more than one submission, right? Good! And our submissions ARE allowed to be links, right? Good. Because oddly enough, the day before this post came out I posted "5 Things You Should NEVER Say From the Pulpit" on my blog. I had to laugh. Anyway, here is the link. I hope it counts. http://mypoorhusband.blogspot.com/2009/09/5-things-you-should-never-say-from.html
ReplyDeleteDidn't read through all of the comments yet, so this one may have already been posted . . . but this was one of the funniest things I've seen in church! And Mike Foster made it happen!
ReplyDeletehttp://vimeo.com/4890412
I know as I write this some of you will think I am making this up- but I promise you I AM NOT!!!
ReplyDeleteI worked w/ a non-profit ministry who traveled the US doing youth programs. On Sunday mornings after a weekend program we would attend a local church (usually one that attended our event), but this particular time we went to a church that one of the girls from our group had 'grown up in'. When we got to this small country church everyone was super nice and welcoming to our group (may have been that we doubled the size of their congregation- but who knows).
Just so happened that there was a 'Guest Preacher' for this service- he was a VERY charosmatic man who right from the start called people to the altar for healing/repentance/filling of the Holy Spirit...
Anyway a man from the church who was about 80 went forward for prayer since he had a hard time walking (he was 80 after all!) and said he was in constant pain.
Lo and behold this guest preacher (GP) held up his hands karate style and told everyone in the congregation that God had given him his "choppers" to heal others with. And with a quick 'chop' of his hands (and saying "chop, chop") he gut checked this old man- who immediately doubled over (probably had the wind knocked out of him) and then b/c the man didn't hit the ground- the GP 'chopped' the man on his back- knocking the old man to the floor- where GP announced to everyone that the old man was in "God's Spirit resting and being restored"... I didn't know whether to laugh out loud or run for the door... I have never experienced someone quite so... crazy as I did that day- (and for those of you who have never been in a charismatic church this may all sound crazy to begin w/- but growing up my aunt went to a very charismatic church so this was not my first time!) I sat stunned as more people came forward to get 'chopped' by GP and the "holy spirit" (though GP was doing a great job knocking them all to the floor w/out the holy spirit!!)- I walked out when he knocked #4 to the ground for healing...
Makes me laugh and cringe all at the same time when I think about it!!
I'm remembering a Christmas Eve service almost 30 years ago. We had one very drunk man asleep and snoring loudly. After ignoring nudges from folks around him a woman comes up and slugs him. She pointed out that she was his ex-mother-in-law. While that drama was unfolding a soloist was singing O Holy Night off key. Add to that another woman who was getting all flustered with the drunk. She walked to the back of the church and passes out, so we then had paramedics during the service. I managed to then top things off by underestimating the weight of the tray with communion wine and dumping some (not all) of it on my wife. We still can't listen to O Holy Night to this day.
ReplyDeleteWithout fail, every time the organist plays a kind of peppy hymn, my mom and I bob up and down.
ReplyDeleteBecause it sounds like a carousel.
I usually imagine myself riding one of the four horses of the apocalypse on the Jesus carousel. That is all.
I vote for emily's ferris bueller liturgy.
ReplyDeletemy own are cheating as I wasn't present for either of them, but have spoken with eyewitnesses.
1. new couple Richard & Edna being welcomed into membership. Minister's wife gives them both a kiss on the cheek. Minister gives Edna a kiss on the cheek, turns to Richard & says; "I won't kiss ya Dick, but I'll shake ya hand." A bible college student a few years ahead of me was doing a ministry internship in the church at the time and brought the story back for our enjoyment.
2. Young guy needs to fart. Whispers to his girlfriend "you're sitting on my jacket" she raises her buttocks to release the supposedly trapped jacket and he lets rip. My friend, who was sitting next to the offender (his brother in law) later described it as 'fart art'.
Lady I know was leading worship with her guitar at a youth conference. She broke a guitar string during a song. She stopped the song to announce, "I just snapped my g string."
ReplyDeleteThen she realized what she had said.
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ReplyDeleteIn our tiny, orthodox church, my Dad was trying to instill in his four kids the habit of giving. We each got a shiny quarter to drop in the offering bag as it solemnly passed by. As certain one of us was somewhat reluctant to sacrifice said newly-acquired wealth at the appropriate time, and having the silvery piece pried out of her unwilling fingers, proceeded to trail the usher down the aisle sobbing, "I want my money back!" ...so much for tithing.
ReplyDeleteI have a few, if that's okay.
ReplyDeleteFIrst of all, during a pre-service prayer meeting, my (now ex-)worship Pastor was telling us in the worship team that in order to reach the "next level" in God in worship, we needed to do something "different", something we hadn't done before. So, he proceeded to tell us that he was going to hop on one foot and spin around while praising God. And then, during the time of "shunder-bubbering" and praising, he proceeded to do so, whilst praying out loud. I don't think anyone else followed his example. Today as I write this, I find it hard to believe that it actually happened - but the fact is, it did.
More recently - our youth pastor was sharing around Communion, and I can't remember what the context was, but she was saying - or rather she meant to say the words "sit on the shelf." Unfortunately, she had trouble getting the words out and said "s***" instead. She managed to continue on, barely skipping a beat, but it didn't go unnoticed. :)
And we sing How Great Is Our God, almost everytime for our band and vocal soundchecks. Over and over and over again until the sound guy has it right. Consequently, I now hate that song.
i saw two tweens get in an argument over who loved jesus more. one finally yelled, "JESUS HATES YOU" in a demon voice and spit in the other girl's face.
ReplyDelete...and baby jesus wept!
At a small group one time, we were sharing prayer requests and then praying for them. The requests were on a sheet of paper that we would pass around, so people wouldn't have to remember a specific request and people wouldn't be left out. One girl in the group wanted prayer for a fellowship at a hospital. When we passed the sheet around, it said "Sarah-fellowship," so someone started praying for her and included the phrase, "fellowship is good...." We now have a rule that if you don't understand a prayer request, you ask about it.
ReplyDeleteI has 2 more:
ReplyDeleteAt my church, we take a piece of bread and dip it in the wine/juice for communion. One time I went up for communion and broke off a tiny piece of bread (which I'm prone to do) and I go to dip it in the wine. I, of course, drop the bread in the wine and, instead of going to get another piece, I thought it appropriate to salvage the piece of Jesus' flesh swimming in His blood. I eventually had to get a new (bigger) piece of bread.
One time I was helping out in the children's ministry, and we were talking about how we are all family because we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. There was one little girl who was particularly excited about this because she's an only child and wants a sibling. While reviewing the lesson, she says something to the effect of, "We are all brothers and sisters, even those with darker skin," an obvious reference to the one black person in the room (me).
i usually sit in the front few rows of church, because i get distracted very easily. a few months ago, i came into church a few minutes late and ended up sitting in the last row, with only a few other people in it. there were 2 empty chairs to the left of me, and then a middle-aged man sitting there. so pastor starts the message, and i start hearing some sort of weird clicking noise. i look to my left, and lo-and-behold, the man was actually clipping his fingernails. this was no stray hangnail either. he was going full-force for next 10 minutes or so. as i watched each large sliver of nail drop to the sanctuary floor, i did all i could not to raise my hand and tell on him. i'm not sure i got much out of the service that day, if you look at my notes, there are probably doodles of me as a stick figure with a speech bubble saying "ew." now i always show up to church on time.
ReplyDeletenow that i think about it, what if he does something gross every service, and they have him purposely sit back there to gross people out and encourage them to sit closer . . . . ?
It was Christmas Eve service at my church back home. It's tradition to have a candlelight vigil at the end where we turn off all of the lights, light the candles, and sing "Silent Night."
ReplyDeleteWell this time went off a little differently...
In the silence as the last few rows of candles were being lit, my little sister (4 or 5 at the time) screamed out at the top of her lungs:
"NO FIRE!! NOT TODAY!"
Psh as if we torture her with fire every day...haha
as I walked out of the bathroom in the youth building..I noticed that the sign on the door that's inside the bathroom said women...and I hurried out but I noticed on the outside of the door it said men...so I asked my wife to check the women's bathroom sure if enough the inside of the women's bathroom door said men...
ReplyDeletejeesh...not like we are sending out youth enough mixed signals in the church today..now we have them walking into the bathroom one sex and walking out another!
We had a church function last night--a women's dinner gig--and I shared some of these stories with the women at my table. We all laughed so hard!
ReplyDeleteHad another I wanted to add. When my daughter was in middle school she'd spend much of the church hour doodling on the children's bulletin. Mostly she altered the existing artwork, adding details and speech bubbles to the Bible characters. I don't know how many times I got in trouble by glancing at her bulletin art and then laughing out loud. One of my favorites was the time the bulletin showed a picture of a smiling, robed Jesus standing with arms outstretched. She sketched a two-by-four in the space between his hands and added the words, "Watch me break this board with my head." I lost it. Still have that one saved in a file.
I commented earlier with the Billy Joel story, but I thought of another one.
ReplyDeleteI explained a little bit about my church in that comment, but something else about us is that we don't have the hymns we are going to sing picked out before the service. Basically, anyone from the congregation can call out a song number from the hymnal for us to sing, and that goes on for a few songs until the worship leader decides to have us stand, which is the sign that this is the last hymn. (Does anyone else do the number calling? I have never been to another church that does it.) To complicate things, our pianist cannot just play anything. Those of us who have been around for a while know the hymns she can play. But every once in a while a visitor or noob will call out some hymn she doesn't know how to play, which makes for an awkward 4 verses.
But one Sunday, our pastor called out a number to a hymn by memory to what was suppose to be "He Lives', if memory serves me correctly. However, when we all flipped to the page in the hymnals, it was a hymn called "I am Woman". The entire congregation was laughing, including the pastor! It took us a while to regain our composure.
Growing up, our rather conservative Baptist church had missions week once a year which was kicked off with an "ethnic" missions dinner. The ethnicity of the dinner correlated to the country of the missions speaker. And so this tradition continued, year after boring year. Until...
ReplyDeleteIt was China's turn to be in the spotlight. The food was great and dessert was obviously fortune cookies. Every single fortune cookie had the same fortune: "Conserve water; shower with a friend." Our church never did a Chinese dinner again. I will always wonder if the catering restaurant was bribed. Money well spent, I have always thought!
I've got to add a true story for my husband:
ReplyDeleteHe went to a church where their small groups took communion together. Whoever was hosting was in charge of providing the bread & wine. As a responsible single man, one week he was hosting and forgot all about acquiring the elements prior to the group showing up. After a quick search of his "pantry", the group participated in communion - with Mountain Dew and Twinkies.
Oh children's chat. I have great respect for pastors who do "children's chat" before the sermon, especially if they allow for comments from said children, as you never know what they are going to say.
ReplyDeleteOne children's chat, the pastor called the kids up and showed them different pieces of money and asked them who was on the money and if that person was God. Amongst the chorus of "No's" that rang out, one voice said, "That's not God. God has a mustache."
I'm not quite sure how she came to that conclusion, but I have to admit that I always picture God with facial hair as well.
Our former senior Pastor was preaching about sex. He'd built up this great metaphor: Sex is life fire: within God's intended parameters, both are great things.
ReplyDeleteFire belongs in a fire pit, and if it is outside of these paramets can burn your house down. Sex belongs in marriage and causes destruction outside of this parameter.
So far so good, right? It's actually a pretty good metaphor.
The problem was that he got himself a little bit mixed up half way through. He was doing this sort-of rapid fire back and forth thing he intended to say "Fire in the fire pit- good. Fire in the house- bad. Sex in marriage- good. Sex outside of marriage- bad."
He ended up mixing his metaphors. What he ended up saying was that sex in the fire pit was good. And then he stopped, realized what he'd said... tried to recover... and realized he couldn't.