During my Senior Year of high school I decided to sit on the front row at church. I didn't do this because I wanted to be closer to my parents or the pulpit. This was not a noble attempt to break free of the distraction of sitting with all my friends so that I could perhaps hear the word of God spoken more clearly.
I sat on the front row because I was an idiot in high school.
I realized that with our u-shaped chair arrangement in the Marlboro Middle School Cafeteria, (shout out to churches that meet in places other than churches) I could sit directly across from the youth group section of the congregation. I could see all my friends and make faces at them during the whole service. I could flirt with my girlfriend and essentially "perform" on the front row for all my friends. So although geographically, my seat said "front row focuser," my body language yelled, "look at this idiot." Although we've never spoken about it, I'm sure that my contribution to the service was less than appreciated by my father, the Senior Pastor.
But maybe he didn't notice what I was doing? Maybe he was so lost in the moment of speaking that my annoying adolescent antics (alliteration) didn't even phase him? Maybe he is such a consummate pro that I didn't even make his sermon radar?
It's possible, but I want to be honest with you, I would have noticed.
Whenever I speak I tend to laser focus on the person that is paying the least amount of attention. Perhaps I am a masochist but I tend to scan the crowd and lock on to the person that is completely zoned out and thinking about whether it would be weird to buy a rock tumbler as an adult? Seriously, you always wanted one as a kid when they were in those massive Sears catalogs they printed at Christmas and you've got an income now. You're the adult, if you can eat cereal for dinner and ice cream whenever you want, why couldn't you just up and buy yourself a rock tumbler? That's the guy I watch when I speak.
And maybe you're that guy or girl. Maybe you're tuned out. If so, I want to tell you the three worst types of Sermon Body Language you can throw at a speaker.
1. The Rip Van Winkle
Ever fallen asleep during church? I'm not talking about during a long, lights are down prayer moment. I mean right in the middle of the sermon. Ever done that? If so, I hope you enjoyed it, because the days of casually doing that are over my friend. I was in a big meeting a few months ago and one of the higher ups fell asleep. How did I know? Someone showed me the photo on their camera. They had taken a snapshot of the sleepy person and it spread like wildfire in my circle of friends. I'm not saying that if I ever see you sleeping when I speak, I'll stop what I'm saying, walk close enough to hear your soft little snores and take a photo that I then post on Stuff Christians Like, twitter about and add to my facebook page, but I'm not saying I won't either.
2. The Arm Fold Head Shake
By this point, everyone knows that when you fold your arms over your chest your body language is saying, "Whoa, I'm building a wall with my arms and mentally shot blocking whatever it is you're telling me." And then on top of that, I'm going to add a head shake instead of a head nod, the shake being a sign that like a Portuguese Water dog, after a brisk summer swim, I am shaking away any words you're throwing at me instead of nodding along in agreement. Whenever I speak somewhere I do a humor litmus test to gauge the percent of AFHS in the crowd. I basically just tell the Booty God Booty story and if arms start crossing and heads start shaking immediately I scratch my ear which is a signal to my wife to start the car and crack open a window for me to crawl out. Things are not going to go well for me.
3. The "Look at my Arms"
A few weeks ago I spoke at a retreat where they created a fill in the blank outline for my talk. During the fill in the blank portion of the message I noticed a handful of people scribbling down the words I was saying, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw one guy stretch his right arm onto the back of the chair. "Hey, maybe that guy is a southpaw. Maybe he's writing down all these insightful words I'm saying with his left hand." I thought to myself. Nope, a few seconds later he put his left arm up on the seats. He sat there, arms outstretched, not even to lovingly cradle someone as he was sitting alone. It was as if he was saying, "Look at my arms, this is when I should be writing notes down but I don't even need to. I put my handout on the floor, next to my keys, which I'll probably kick at some point if you start going on to long. Look at my arms, not note taking here. I would if there was something ink worthy being said."
Those are the three worst forms of Sermon Body Language. Want to send your minister a different signal? Lean forward, with note paper in hand, and a glint in your eye that says, "I don't know whether to laugh or cry right now or maybe do both but I'm learning, I'm listening and I might even be life changing right here in my seat." Or at the bare minimum fall asleep in a section of the church where it doesn't look like people have camera phones.
What's the worst sermon body language you've ever seen?
The Texter: Head down, hands in lap attention on their phone and whatever hilarity there friends are sending them which is obviously much more compelling than the sermon you heathen!
ReplyDeleteThe Masseuse: That person giving massages in church. Arms on their partners neck/back/wherever else
The Scratcher: Has this guy got fleas or something?
The Snacker: Someone outta tell this person that the 5 loaves and 2 fish story is not a cue to start munching on whatever snacks they keep in their bag
I was a young student minister doing holiday cover one Sundy in a strange church. One older gentleman would check his watch every two minutes. Sadly for him, that was a sign for me to keep going an extra few minutes.
ReplyDeleteWhat's worse though, as I've been told afterwards is not that someone keeps checking their watch- it's if they hold it up to their ear and shake it to see if it has stopped going!
A couple of weeks ago, I saw a guy get up in the middle of the sermon and head to the lobby for a coffee refill. He didn't even try to hide it; he just grabbed his cup and strolled out, then ambled back in a minute or so later.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a notetaker during sermons, but I do try to remain eye-contact ready. Seems polite and keeps me focused.
When I was younger, there was one couple in the congregation that would snuggle up in church as if it was some sorta movie theater.
ReplyDeleteThey would even kiss during the service. I was *right* behind them.
Awkward.
You mean besides my kids lolling on the pew, or worse, the floor? Scattering fishies like breadcrusts for birds and then crunching them into microscopic pieces on the floor. And then me, bent over in a graceless downward dog, rear end in the air, scrambling to pick up said fishie crumbs? Bad sermon body language like that? Yeah, that would be every Sunday for me.
ReplyDeleteAnd then there's the gum chewer. I don't know if gum chewing counts as body language per se, but I was raised Catholic...and gum chewing in church was akin to snuggling up with the Devil himself. I always wonder, do the gum chewers plan ahead? Do they think to themselves as they are driving to church, "Oh yeah, it's not a communion week...think I'll pop in a stick of Big Red."
We meet in a school cafeteria! My father thinks it's funny that he falls asleep during the sermon every week. I'd love for someone to post the Facebook.
ReplyDeleteI have given up taking notes, and I'm refusing to feel guilty. I realized I was collecting quite a bit of little papers that I had never looked at once the sermon was over.
As a pastor I know that folks can only fall asleep where they feel comfortable, so if a few folk fall asleep during worship it is practically gratifying. If everyone falls asleep I tend to take that personally.
ReplyDeletewhat about the person against body language? As a student pastor I had a student always chime in with her wisdom, which was lacking. It was always entertaining because she was completely clueless the entire time. In her defense, she told me regularly that she was on the math team
ReplyDeletethe Blackberry Commando: head down, shoulders hunched, thumbs working furiously, face scowling, you know he's sitting back there taking over smaller companies and making his employees miserable, all during your 'love thy neighbor' sermon. (Later, the BC will leg-drop you at the Board Meeting because he 'doesn't get anything out of your sermons,' making you wanna go totally Scarlett on him and his little Blackberry too. Just sayin'.)
ReplyDeletethe Snarky Youth Duo: heads close together, bulletin passing back and forth between them, pens flying as notes are written on said bulletin, stifled smiles and muffled giggles all tell you they're mocking - everyone and everything - during your 'God is not mocked' sermon. one of the duo is your own kid.
the 'Rest In The Lord/NOT!' couple: his head lolls either forward or backward, eyes closed, and remains so until the first audible snore, at which point her elbow jabs sharply into his ribs and he comes to with a snap and a sleepy 'AMEN!' -usually right after you've said something inspiring like, 'Abraham saddled his donkey.'
and my all-time favorite: the Protestant Smile. The wide-eyed, overly-toothy (or alternately, close-tight-lipped), forced smile that says "oooh, I'd be SO angry at you right now if anger wasn't a mortal sin, but it is, so I'll smile at you now and leg-drop you later from behind when you're not looking!" You get this one on those rare but necessary occasions when you have to bring the "Hard Word."
uh-huh, we see it!
How about Mr. Apathetic? ....usually a teen who's head magically weighs 50 pounds at the start of the sermon... so they have to hold their head in their hands and supporting it with the elbow firmly implanted on thier knee. They gaze longingly at their shoelaces and at the back of the pew in front of them. Eye contact is avoided at all costs. After the message, their noggin somehow becomes weightless and they are once again able to hold it up without additional support. Occasionally, the posture changes to the Ultimate Slouch - this is where their spine magically becomes like jelly and they slide down in the pew as if they were in a lazy-boy recliner at full tilt. Since they can't see their shoelaces, they gaze longingly at the ceiling and any lame Christian art-deco in view (fake plants, candles, etc). As usual, at the end of the sermon, the spine regains its structure and they are able to sit up straight again. While heads and spines morph, their brain retains enough function to answer the challenge question of "Were you even paying attention?" - they are always able to provide a barely adequate response after explaining how they "don't have to look at someone to listen to them"....
ReplyDeleteLOL! I guess I'm the person who sits with arms folded but honestly I usually pay attention at sermons and meetings, etc. I just sit that way because...well...it's comfortable for my tendinitis. If I ever attend any meeting you're in, Jon, be forewarned...I'm folding my arms! Now I'm going to use those little emoticons you talked about to soften the blow. ;)
ReplyDeleteIn the winter our church is a bit frigid. There is a unique sermon body language that appears at this time of year.
ReplyDelete1) The pacer: many of the staff, volunteers, etc. on cold winter days can be found pacing around the back of the church, wearing jackets and without fail looking like they can't take a moment more. Truth be told, the only way for them to stay alert enough to complete whatever service they are providing is to stay in constant, fidgety motion.
2) The surprise volunteer: during the coldest days of winter an interesting phenomena arises at our church. The all too passive masses suddenly realize that the kitchen and children's areas are warm enough to not require wearing mittens. On these days everyone wants to help in Kids Connection, and prepare coffee.
3) The masseuse (remix): perhaps the only time it can be deemed acceptable for a couple to be seen cuddling or rubbing each others backs, hands, legs, is in the dead of winter when it is one of a short list of options to keep warm.
4) The breath-watcher: this person is gazing around the sanctuary apparently for the sole purpose of seeing other people's frosty breath. It is a bit strange, but they are considering how even though we're freezing God gave us amazingly beautiful things to look at.
Granted this set of sermon body language is really only available during the first month of a cold Canadian winter, before the heating system is repaired. After the repairs, its back to the usual.
rock tumbler=incredibly annoying continuous grating sound for over a month. my mother-in-law is SO not getting a thank you note for this gift.
ReplyDeleteThe head scratcher- no, not her own head, her husband's head. Her husband's BALD head. And it was less of a scratch and more of a rub.
ReplyDeleteFor real.
During a Christmas service.
And I just kept wondering... "foreplay?"
And then I had to ask God's forgiveness for thinking such a filthy thought.
Well... The arms crossed (but nothing further might actually just mean that someone finds it tiresome or actually painful to sit with their arms normally for that long... Seriously for some reason I've got freaky arms that just feel better crossed... Just saying that for all us arm crossers who don't intend to look like we're putting up a wall...
ReplyDeleteI'm so that person that has always wanted a rock tumbler but never got one as a kid... sorry, what were you talking about?
ReplyDeleteI've fallen asleep in church before. It was an evening service. I was on the end of a row right on the central aisle. I was very tired and could feel myself nodding forward, so I leaned back to counter it and then just... dozed off. I came round what I thought was 30 second later. Turns out it was about 10 minutes later and I'd been snoring.
ReplyDeleteI was about 15 at the time and I was sat next to my mother. She said she was incredibly embarrassed but she didn't wake me up! Apparently the speaker kept staring distractedly down the aisle during his talk at the brazen snoring teenager.
Some people thought I was being rebellious/rude/cheeky/funny. But I was honestly fast asleep.
I speak to youth, so I see a lot of the "subtle text." I also call this the blue arm pit because so often the hide the phone under their arm while not so secretly texting.
ReplyDeleteOh, here's a couple to make you cringe.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in junior high, we were going to this incredibly conservative independant fundamental Baptist church. It was Christmastime, and some relatives were visiting. We took my aunt, and ended up sitting in the middle of the front; probably the third row. During the middle of the service, the woman took a FLASK out of her purse and took a giant swig out of it. I mean, I've never seen such dramatic, sweeping motions in my life. Everyone in the church saw that. I'd say that's the "I'll do what I want no matter what you're saying" person.
Secondly, at the same church, I had a group of friends that I'd sit on the front row with. One particular guy was a bad sleeper. Soon as the preacher would start, he was gone. But, he was a drooler - he'd have it running down his tie. Disgusting. He'd be classified as comatose.
What about the "two moms standing in the back with babies on their hips bouncing like they are in a bounce house talking to each other with an occasional chuckle thrown in, like there is nothing going on in the front"...is that too long of a title? Cause that happened and threw my husband's mojo off a wee bit while he was trying to speak one Sunday. "No, ladies, please, go ahead and talk about how little junior's bowel movements are doing. It's okay, nothing to see here. Carry on."
ReplyDeleteMaybe a little off topic, but it reminded me of the guy in our group who showed up for church with the drill bit from a power drill in his his pocket and, sitting in the back grow, manually worked it back and forth during the sermon until he had drilled a hole through the wooden pew.
ReplyDelete(Actually, my memory of this is rather vague, but it may also have involved some of us sliding back and forth and taking turns helping him, but you can see why I might have blocked that out.)
Not sure if this is body language per se, but how about the doodler? She looks like she's taking notes, until she turns the paper sideways... what letter is a series of 8-10 long, parallel lines? Go by afterwards and you'll see her bulletin on the chair with all the holes in the letters colored in with ball-point pen.
ReplyDeleteMy first wife did something I hadn't seen before and haven't seen since, though... she'd write down words the speaker was saying, but just the one she heard when she finished writing down the prior word.. so she'd have lists like "Sprit them spoke people them miracles done sacrifice dying cross" It was pretty funny. But she looked deep in concentration while doing it... except she was another one of those where you know they haven't been taking notes for ten minutes solid.
I sit with my arms crossed, but only to keep from freezing to death. I live in Florida, and many people here believe that to counteract the oppressive heat and humidity outside, every inside space must be at roughly the same temperature as an igloo. Most of these people go to my church and are in positions of air-conditioner control. I know our priest is sweating under all those robes, but seriously, if I have to go outside to thaw for the first five minutes of the sermon, something is wrong.
ReplyDeleteEmily- I feel your pain. For whatever reason, every campus at our church feels like it's below zero in there. So I sit with my arms crossed to keep from freezing to death. I hope my campus pastor doesn't think I'm being rude.
ReplyDeleteAs far as body language, at the church I go to now I don't see it much. But growing up it was bad. I remember when we'd go to church my mom poking my dad because he was falling asleep. Too funny. The good news is that now they go to a church that's so engaging he doesn't even think about falling asleep anymore.
Two extremes I've been exposed to: the nail clipper. We had a guy who chose the sermon - not even using the cover of the song service - to trim his nails every week.
ReplyDeleteThe other was a schizophrenic guy who was part of of church when I was in high school. He liked to sit near the front and would remove his socks and shoes to clean his toenails with a fork. It was a small church, so no matter where you sat, you had a pretty good view. I spent a lot more time stifling hysterical laughter & avoiding eye contact with my mom than listening to the message.
spoke at church this past Sunday and had a Rip Van Winkler. so funny. Dude was doing a full out yawn on 3 separate occasions that i glanced at him. His mouth was as wide open as possible, like he was a Sperm whale trying to catch crill in his baleen. 10 minutes later his eyes were closed. I wanted so badly to crack a joke about it, but there's no way to do that without sounding mean, so i didnt. too funny.
ReplyDeleteYou know how a few days ago, we were posting "unconfessable" confessions - and many people said how they didn't like their pastor or their church or other people?
ReplyDeleteThere must be some interesting body language in those churches. Subtle or not-so-subtle ways of registering pain, disapproval or downright despair.
For example:
The "Shiny Happy Mask-wearer" -(I look like I'm fitting in but I'm slowly dying inside")
The "Beam me up" - (folded arms, scowl, eyes fixed on the floor or boring a hole right through the pastor)
The "Passive-Aggressive Rebel", (Smiles sweetly but refuses to join in with the pastor when he says "repeat after me..."; refuses to stretch out his/her hand to pray for someone when commanded to; doesn't laugh at the pastor's jokes).
I am guilty of all of these.
wv: tersa. Did you see that person doing the Beam-me-up in row 2? Could they have looked any tersa?
I had a minister's wife who used to put the hymnal on her shoulder as a signal to him that it was time to wrap it up. If that didn't work, she would gently tap it with her thumb. If he kept going, she would tap a little more often and a little louder. She was almost the early prototype for those alarm clocks/night table lamps that get brighter and louder as you are later and later for work.
ReplyDeleteNothing witty or insightful to say, but my wv was too good to ignore.
ReplyDeletegoone -- speaks for itself
I am 5'4.5". Not particularly short for a girl, but certainly not tall. I also have the unique gift from God of being the same length either direction from my hips. When I sit in chairs or pew at church, my feet never touch the floor. So, I usually wear Little House on the Prairie jumpers and dresses along with sandals so that I can cross my legs in the seat. If I don't, I leave with a horrendous backache. Look for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm also a doodler. You'll know I'm seriously taking notes if I take them right in my Bible. One Sunday, right after we were first married, dh and I visited a Calvary Chapel in, well, I won't say where, and it's not an indictment against all Calvary Chapels, just this one. Anyway, they met in a hotel, brought coffee, donuts, funky bread, all right into the sanctuary, such as it was. Pastor finally showed up 10 minutes late and came rushing in with a cloud of marijuana smoke trailing him. Then he proceeded to ramble on about the ax head and how it symbolized the cross(?!?!?!) for the next 45 minutes.
Because of the way the place was set up, we literally could not get up and leave unless about 10 other people also got up and left. So we turned our chairs to face each other and, by passing notes instead of talking, had a Bible study there. Oh my goodness the guy was so stoned I don't know how anyone else there could possibly follow along. I'm sure they thought we were rude, but we had to do something.
The Signer: We have no one who are deaf in our congregation, but this person attempts to use sign language to communicate to someone on stage- most likely a member of the worship team, about where to go for lunch after service.
ReplyDeletewv- ovites- we sent out the invites to those we wanted at the party and now it's time for the ovites for those we omit.
Oh, this was a good one. The church I grew up in was a pretty large Protestant church and every Sunday was a great exercise in people watching. There was the guy who sat in the balcony every week wearing socks with his birkenstocks, the lovey dovey husband and wife in the choir who made googly eyes at each other all service, but really, the best examples were in my own family. My grandfather was an usher and they had special velvet cushioned seats for the ushers to sit at along the back wall of the church - the offering was held after the sermon so this is where they waited. My grandfather would have to be woken up every week after the sermon to go and collect the offering. He had several excuses, "watching the back of my eyelids" "I process the message better with my eyes closed". My grandmother would needlepoint or do a crossword puzzle. My father would read "readers digest". My mother would teach Sunday school so she didn't have to hear the sermon in the first place. Me? Well, I would write notes in a special notebook I brought with me - not about how the sermon was changing me but about how much I disagreed with it. I think I might've even titled it: This Church Is Going To - (you fill in the blank). I might not have been far off because shortly after I stopped attending, the church made state wide headlines when the congregation voted out the minister and then split in half. Good times!
ReplyDeleteMy current church - there's one "masseuse" couple. Then there's the kid that sits behind me and pegs me w/goldfish all service long - good thing he's cute!
Great topic. This isn't an example of sermon body language per se, but I believe I invented a move called The Shell-less Turtle.
ReplyDeleteI happened to be in the choir at a more traditional church when a gifted lady in the congregation came up onstage to do an interpretive dance. Her flowing movements were seen as remarkably cutting edge by the congregation. I, however, was HORRIFIED. She was about 15 feet away from me, dancing like crazy, and I was inwardly cringing from the cloying awkwardness of it.
I couldn't look at it - but looking away, putting my head in my hands, or running out screaming was far too obvious, since I was in full view of the congregation, just like the rest of the choir. If I'd had a shell, I definitely would've hidden inside.
Later, my pastor asked me whether I was okay. Sigh.
Years ago I was in a choir with a fellow who sang the hymns, sang the choir special during offertory, then promptly went to sleep. Every Sunday. He always woke up for the last hymn and went home refreshed.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is thanks for the new brain intrusion. While in church I can't stop myself from thinking about a. the fact that you can swap the words and tunes between Amazing Grace and the theme from Gilligan's Island; b. that South Park episode where Cartman starts a Christian rock band; and now c. where can I get a rock tumbler??
Sunday morning. Relatively small room. Two columns of pews. WP, sitting in row 5 of column on right. Inside end, next to the center aisle. WP was a man. Yes, a BIIIIIG man. Didn't have the eyes of an eagle, tho. Wore glasses.
ReplyDeleteAbout 8 minutes into the sermon. WP decides he needs to clean his glasses. Leans forward to pull his wallet out of his back pocket. Removes from his wallet his handkerchief. Removes his glasses. Cleans one lens with handkerchief. With his left hand (the hand extending into the center aisle), holds his glasses up as high as he can reach to look at the ceiling light thru them. Pulls them back down and cleans some more. Again lifts them up as high as he can to look at the ceiling light thru them. In the center aisle, on the 5th row.
Repeats all this to clean the other lens. Takes almost five minutes to thoroughly clean his glasses. Way up in the air, in everyone's line of sight.
Every.
Single.
Week.
The inside joke: Two young adults shaking with laughter the ENTIRE SERMON, not looking at their parents who are clearly not looking at them, either, and instead looking at me the whole sermon while their bodies are shaking their entire pew and they are sharing quite the guffaw. Are they laughing at me? Is something on my face? Did I do or say something stupid? Or do they really believe there is a one-way mirror between them and me? I want to stop and say "I can SEE you! Do you have something to share with the whole class?" Is the rest of the congregation wondering why I am now directing my sermon toward the right side of the sanctuary?
ReplyDeleteI have definitely been an arm crosser. And I loved the comment with the note passing couple. I was guilty of this many times in church but it wasn't for mocking. My then boyfriend, now husband, and I would just pass notes back and forth. We usually were discussing who's parents we were going to talk into taking us out to lunch and where.
ReplyDeleteWV: entimp
French for ending a sermon on time. "Wasn't that nice that the pastor ended entimp today?"
While pastoring a church in South Carolina, one of my members fell asleep every week. It was not my preaching, because there were 3 preachers on the staff, and he slept for all of us. So I started calling him out by name in my sermons: e.g. "..., isn't that right, Fred?" After a few startled responses, he was never relaxed enough to drop off when I preached.
ReplyDeleteThe Yawner. Yawns are contagious and can spread faster then flu in your childrens' Sunday school class.
ReplyDeleteThe Timekeeper. He'll check his watch every five minutes - and he'll do it more dramatically then Tom Crusie in Top Gun... playing volleyball... shirtless... in jeans.
Oh my gosh, just this Sunday - sitting on the front row of our just reopened worship center (damaged by a hurricane last year) & the girl next to me, literally turns her body, pulls her knees up, rests her head on the seat back & proceeds to snore!
ReplyDeleteHeh... I'm almost guilty of being the Texter --- except that I'm not.. b/c it LOOKS like I'm texting, but actually I'm checking biblegateway.com on my phone for the verses, and whatever points the pastor makes that really strikes home, I'm putting in my notepad on my phone.. no.. seriously. I feel about 12% guilty when I do it, like, I really shoulda brought my real bible and a notebook, but I get over it.
ReplyDeleteThe worst I've ever seen was when I was in Jr High/HS... We had a dude who was probably about 6'4" and he was one of the acolytes for our church.. Now, in those days, they had to sit up on the "place where the pastor sits" (b/c I don't know the technical term for it) -- they sat behind him during the entire service.. and this guy was notorious for falling asleep.. but one Sunday he did it all stretched out, legs out (and he was sitting perpendicular to the rest of the congregation, so his legs were in full view of EVERYONE!!) -- the part that was bad, i mean, besides him being asleep was that he was wearing black pants with black shoes, but one black sock and one obviously blue sock! He was a bit embarrassed by the end of the service!! lol..
How about the glassy-eyed person gazing over your left shoulder? Sitting straight, for all appearances at attention, but mind clearly hundreds of miles away?
ReplyDeleteI'm the Rip Van Winkle. I think I must have some slight form of narcolepsy based on how often I have fallen asleep in church. During the sermon & prayer, definitely, but I've also been known to fall asleep during the singing time.
ReplyDeleteMy apologies to all preachers out there who've had to preach to me....
Worst one I've had personally:
ReplyDeleteA guy in our church regularly comes pretty plastered on one substance or another. He usually sits in either the front or the 2nd row. As you're preaching, you watch his head begin to nod as his eyes close, until finally his head is on his chest and he is fast asleep. Sometimes he snores, sometimes he drools, sometimes both. After an indeterminate period of time, he leaps up onto his feet and either says loudly "I'm going out of a smoke" or turns to one of the other men and says "Pete - you coming out for a smoke?" then noisily rustles in his pocket for his tobacco & lighter before humming a tune as he walk out in full view of the church. He then returns noisily to his seat 5-10 mins later. After the end of the service he comes up and tells you how good the sermon was. It used to really throw me, but now I think its hilarious. Is very off-putting for visiting ministries though :-)
Others I've seen
the husband & wife who catch up on their week loudly chatting to themselves and others around them throughout the service.
the youth texting each other
the "commenter" who gives a running commentary on the preach.
i have a problem with the folded arms category. i live in a cold weather climate and when i do that i'm just plain cold and not reacting negatively to what i'm hearing.
ReplyDeletemaybe i should just wear a sweater or a touque or something.
the sleeper is always a classic. but in 10 years of preaching every week, perhaps the two most annoying are:
ReplyDelete1) the texter: this is one others have noted. my personal favorite is the subtle texter. eyes laser focused on me, sitting at rigid attention, but forearms in the lap with the slightest hint of continual movement. the folks behind them can't see what they're doing - which is why they sit up front - but i sure can.
2) the knitter: i kid you NOT. we had a group of ladies in my last church that would bring their KNITTING to worship and haul it out for the sermon. they would spend the entire sermon knitting. i had no idea how to address this, so i just pretended it didn't happen!
I was a speaker at a youth camp and one kid in the front row continually sighed loud enough so all 600 youth would hear. Then out of no where, he leaned his head back, stretched his arms wide open, and stretched his legs so that he formed a large T.
ReplyDeleteAll I kept on thinking was that he was in a perfect position for crucifixion. Because that's exactly what I wanted to do to him.
Yes, I need Jesus.
In defense of the suspected texter, some folks take notes on their phone. My brother got a Palm Pilot in 9th grade and hasn’t carried a Bible or pen since. These days he takes copious notes on his iPhone, and my mom now has the Palm Pilot, and has started leaving her flower & lace covered Bible at home too. I know when I get my phone out and start tap-tapping that people are judging me. But when I tweet the whole sermon later, they’ll see!
ReplyDeleteFor me, I admit to having done some of these! I don't often take notes. I don't know why. I just don't.
ReplyDeleteAnd when pregnant (on my fifth) I canNOT hold still. I love God with all my heart and take him more seriously than most people I know, but I cannot wait until children's church is dismissed and I can get up and take a child back to class/go to the bathroom/chat with some moms/ ... every pregnancy, I absolutely cannot sit still during church or any other conference/meeting. Have to move.
I've been guilty of being the mom in the back with a baby, too. But that should be okay. I mean, you are IN the service, listening and keeping your baby quiet ... even if you lean over and comment on something every now and then to the person next to you.
I have also had uncontrollable laughter. But if you accidentily mix up your acronym for something (I forget what our pastor was TRYING to say) and say IUD instead ... that will happen. :)
And sadly, sadly, sadly, sometimes I get an attitude in church. Our pastor will use enormous words and my mind gets to wandering and wondering if the people in our congregation from other countries can understand a word he is saying ... for that matter, there are people who speak English who probably don't understand. Then I start getting bugged.
michele
How about my younger brother, who would sit in the pew and watch the ceiling fans go around and around... eventually his head is following the fans so much that it makes YOU sick just watching him. I'm sure our pastor got a kick out of that.
ReplyDeleteThe Clipper...
ReplyDelete"click snap" "click snap" As small as that sound is, it carries over the entire auditorium.
Small bits of dried keratin fly off in both directions.
"Don't mind me, pastor, I'm just taking care of personal hygiene."
How about the person who nods in agreement with EVERYTHING. Do they think they are getting brownie point with the pastor, or something? I always get the feeling they are doing it to show everyone else how spiritual they are.
ReplyDeleteI'm with lcm who said...
ReplyDelete"As a pastor I know that folks can only fall asleep where they feel comfortable, so if a few folk fall asleep during worship it is practically gratifying. If everyone falls asleep I tend to take that personally." I have always agreed with this. Just because people LOOK like they're listening it doesn't mean they are. Sometimes I just can NOT stay awake no matter how much I try. Times like that God frequently lets me get more out of that sermon than if I looked awake the whole time. I say, get over your vanity of wanting "your" words heard. Trust God - do your part - pray, study, put out the Word of God like He wants you to, and trust HIM to deliver to the people's ears what they need to hear in spite of your self. It's not about you, as they say. God is in control and it is His word they need to hear. He may be speaking to them in a dream while you're preaching words you or someone else needs to hear. Let's imitate God and be full of grace. Stop taking those photos and putting condemnation on people and making fun of them.
I'm a pretty liberal person, but the couples who sit in church rubbing each other like they're on a hot date really bugs me.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing our church does periodically is mime. Yep, I said MIME a Bible story or to a song. It's awful and I have to pinch my leg to keep from laughing out loud because we have a very serious mime!
wv: valigwo: if those people don't stop rubbing each other, we'll valigwo (have to go)!
I'm one of those people who simply for whatever reason cannot concentrate on one thing at a time. It used to drive my friends crazy that i would be doing the Bible crossword from the Sunday school devotional sheet, tapping my pen to whatever song was going through my mind at the time, and still somehow was able to tell them the pastor's sermon word for word after the service. Perhaps ADHD has some advantages after all...
ReplyDeletewanna ride bikes?
I'm guilty of falling asleep in church. This was a good while ago at a Calvary Chapel and the preacher wasn't boring (or stoned) but I would just have a hard time staying awake sometimes. Then I had a friend who I started sitting next to, when the sermon started she just tucked her head down and immediately and settled in for a nice snooze. Sometimes my pastor would raise his voice and I would wake up to hear him saying something dramatic and sort of wake up with a start.
ReplyDeleteI am also guilty of scratching my foot in church (this was in a place where it was warm and I would be wearing sandals). Sometimes my foot would just itch sooo bad, I'd slip off a sandal and scratch with my other foot. I guess the pastor might not have been able to see this except I was sitting in the front row of the balcony and the balcony wall? railing? thingie was clear.
A few years ago I attended a small Baptist church in the country. My pastor raising his two young sons by himself would stop the sermon to tell his boys to settle down. He said he didn't care what anybody else's kids did. He didn't mind if his boys slept but he didn't tolerate them goofing off.
When it was cold and he was sitting on the front pew before he started preaching he would draw his boys up close, I always thought that was so heartwarming to see.
I'm also one to doodle, wiggle, stare at the ceiling lights, and zone way out. Zoning then desperately trying to figure where the preacher is in the Bible leaning over to peek at my neighbor's Bible.
Once I sat behind a woman who kept fiddling with her hair, braiding it and unbraiding, etc. I'm afraid I am apt to fiddle with my hair sometimes too, though I don't get that elaborate with it.
I love everyone's stories. What a bunch of fun-loving people you are!
ReplyDeleteMy church is on one of the worst corners of the inner-city and we have a lot of street people in attendance on a Sunday morning. Many are unable to sit still or even concentrate;. There is always constant movement of people at the back and a low rumble of conversation. We're not your traditional church. We have bouncers, not ushers. The pastors all seem very comfortable with this and will often engage with those who throw out their comments, appropriate or not. They do draw the line with people talking on their cell phones during the sermon.
One Sunday, a young man I know showed up at church in a three-piece suit. You can tell a stranger in our midst by the way they're dressed. He sat at the back and listened attentively until one of our street friends began to heckle the pastor--who responded and dialogued with the man for a bit. While a few men moved to the heckler to calm him down, my young, suited friend quietly got up and left the service. He never returned.
I had a rock tumbler! LOL...didn't work though...crap it...
ReplyDeleteNot really sermon body language, but I'll tell you, the kid in the congregation who does sign language to EVERY praise and worship song (not just doing it for those who are deaf, and it's his own version of sign language)...realllly works my nerves. That kid's my cousin. And he's 14. Don't tell anyone.
At my church, the youth pastor always tell kids to turn their phones off during church unless its Jesus, and he will call them out on it in the middle of a talk, worship, whatever.
ReplyDeleteLast week in the small group of junior high girls I lead, one of them had her phone out and started texting during the convo. I used the same line, sarcastically saying "That better be Jesus on the line," and she said, no, it's my dad.
woops.
The worst body language I ever saw was when I was once when I was in a church business meeting. This gal and her husband were just so darn upset that they kept making hard shifts in their seats that kind of made a noise, pressing their lips together, shaking their heads, interchangeably crossing their arms and then quickly uncrossing them and making fists at their sides. I was actually becoming uncomfortable as a result of their body language even though I was not seated particularly near them. Brave soul that I am, I remember thinking how glad I was that I was not the moderator since I was afraid one of them was gonna up and hit him any second. Ends up they finally got up from their seats and stomped out the door - now that's some VERY clear body language!
ReplyDeleteThe Jungle Gym: The mom or dad trying to appear like they are fully engaged in the sermon while they're child squirms, climbs, crawls, fidgets, pokes all around, over and on top of them.
ReplyDeleterock tumblers?! That takes me back. I'd forgotten all about them.
ReplyDeleteI have a problem with the fingernail clipperers in church. To me it's as bad as picking your nose. Crusty body parts? Gross.
I also have a problem with people that wear flip flops to church, slip them off during the service, and run their feet along the top backside of the pew in front of them. Usually college kids, I think, but I don't care how cute your toenail polish/toe rings are, I will NEVER sit in that pew if I can help it because you rubbed your feet all over it!
No problems with the gum-chewers in my book, b/c I always chew after taking communion. It worries me that I might curse someone with my ripe grape juice/cracker breath after service.
my apologies to the man in the pulpit for anything I do that may seem rude. I try really hard not to be that person.
What about the techie guys who sit in the audio visual booth who seem to think that because they are serving God during the service that they are immune from actually participating in the service so they talk during the music and sermon, and they think no one hears them but we all do. WE ALL DO, ARE YOU READING THIS? WE HEAR YOU!!!
ReplyDeleteYawning is always a bad sign. But take heart! I know from my own experience in being a very naughty arms-folded-yawning-twitching kind of audience type person, that it isn't always about the speaker. For me it's usually more about my back hurting, I got no sleep the night before (though I am polite enough to at least try and hide my yawns), my girdle just crawled up my backside, or yeah, I'm thinking about that rock tumbler, but that's just because I'm ADD, not because you're a bad speaker. :)) I hope that makes you feel better and I promise to try harder to stop fidgiting and lean forward with pen in hand!!
ReplyDeleteThe Doodler: The person who looks like they are intently taking notes, however, when you glance over, they have pictures of doves, worship eagles, and/or an awesome new logo for the church.
ReplyDeleteThe Worder: I knew a group of people (that I was never a part of...yeah right!) who would write down the first word that was spoken by our pastor, then as soon as that word was done, they would write down the next word that they heard. It would look something like, "We today from greed conteporary self-indulgent boggles from don't people." Or we...oh, I guess the group that I knew... would write down all the nouns, "Bible Scripture discussion question Corinthians issue principle thought section giving tithing New Testament tithing."
JennyG - be happy it's during the service. I've learned the sign language to a few songs & do them while I'm driving with the other hand. Drives my friends crazy.
ReplyDeleteThe yawner.
ReplyDeleteI confess to being one. Something about being in church makes me yawn. A LOT. And most of the time, I'm not even bored. :)
There was one older lady that would plug her ears with her fingers during worship. And not the "this youth band is so loud, my ears are hurting, but I still like them" kind of way. More like a spoiled 3 year-old face pouting cause she didn't get her beloved Beulah Land.
I found this post extra funny because I see a lot of the same sorts of body language in my classroom--I'm a high school teacher. I have to stifle fits of maniacal laughter whenever I confiscate kids' cell phones and they are dumbfounded how I knew what they were doing, as if slouching in your chair, staring at your hands in your lap or leaning sideways with a hand dangling by your thigh is a natural position to sit in.
ReplyDeleteI don't think anything beats the Bible story about the young man who fell asleep during the apostle Paul's all night sermon, causing him to fall out a three story window to his death. Then Paul brings him back to life and goes back to talking a few more hours. (Acts 20:7-12)
ReplyDeleteSo let that be a lesson of graciousness to you pastors who get annoyed at the non-riveted folks.
I was once the ADD Bible Turner.
The pastor of a church I used to attend would have the congregation read through a passage of scripture with him before he expounded on it for the sermon.
Well... often times a few verses wasn't enough. I'd think, "Hey, why'd we stop at this verse? This passage is just getting interesting." So I would continue reading through my Bible with sermon in progress. Then I'd think, "Hey, I know another good passage that works well with this one!" and start flipping through the pages of my Bible. Then I'd read all the cross-references and notes (since it was a study Bible). Then I'd start writing some thoughts and ideas about it all which I would classify as 'sermon notes that were not included in the sermon.'
I guess some medical treatment could have helped with my focus back then. But I was single and had no wife to nag me to go to the hospital. And I'm one of those guys who doesn't feel like he needs to see a doctor for every little thing. For example, last week I got slightly impaled by a wrought iron fence while attempting to jump it with a dirt bike. It took a couple rolls of duct tape to eventually stop the bleeding and some of my friends insisted on an ambulance. But the way I see it is that any accident you can eventually walk away from is nothing to get all worked up over. On the other hand, there are a lot of pansy dudes who do things like get a hand stuck in the meat grinder and then feel like they need to rush to the hospital. My thought is, "Hey, you lost your hand to a meat grinder. It's not like the doctor can re-attach it or anything. Make a tourniquet so you're not making a mess everywhere, take a couple aspirin, and sleep it off. I mean seriously, if Rambo can take on some heavy wounds, cauterize them, and then get back to wiping out an entire small army, you should be fine after a little bit of rest... after cleaning up the mess you made." It's hypochondriacs like that who rush to the doctor for every little thing that drive me nuts. That's what drives the health insurance rates up to begin with and forces our society into a precarious position where we have to consider gov't controlled health care as a viable option.
Wait a second... how'd I get on the topic of Obama Care? Wasn't the topic orginally about... HEY LOOK, A SQUIRREL!...
That 'teen' one was spot-on---whoever mentioned that. I mean, have you ever seen a {MALE) teen who WASN'T hunched over during church?
ReplyDeleteI haven't done this in a while, since I'm at a church with no sermon notes---but I've been known to make to-do lists where the notes are supposed to be. I know. Evil.
I'm afraid that I'm one of the sleepy ones, but in my defense, I'm on several meds that make me that way. There are times when sitting still, no matter where, just zones me out--which can be a problem if it happens when driving!
ReplyDeleteHubby is a doodler and a sleeper. He tries to take notes (and does pretty well at it) but between the pastor's main points, he's either doodling on his sketch pad (which is what he brings to church) or drifting off. Doesn't help when both of us are doing this.
Daughter is a doodler, too, and brings not only her sketch book, but her pens and/or pencils. She tries to take notes, but makes more sketches.
Don't know much what my boys do; it's been a long while since we've been to church. What I've mentioned above is what we did in our former home church.
And, just a point of fact, to someone who talked about sperm whales and baleen... sperm whales have teeth. (Just call me the mom of a budding biologist.) ;)
The Evacuation. When the sermon goes more than thirty minutes past the allotted half hour, the timekeeper's motions don't seem to be working, and the waves of despair from kids' church leaders down the hall start to roll visibly toward the sanctuary, the Evacuator gathers his belongings, stands quickly, and quietly walks out before the arriving despair overwhelms the congregation.
ReplyDeleteThe Duck and Cover. Simultaneous looks of horror on faces of staff, deacons, and anyone who brought friends to church that day: "Did he actually say that? Out loud? In public?" They pretend to reach down for some mysterious invisible item at their feet in an attempt to become invisible.
I have to be doing something with my hands in order to pay attention. I am also an avid knitter, so I bring my knitting with me to church. I am more apt to remember the sermon, and get to work on my project as well.
ReplyDeleteI don't know; for me "The Arm Fold Head Shake" means, "I'm freezing! Why the heck do they have to make the danggone AC so cold?" (Christian cussing and all.) Seriously though, why ARE churches so obsessed with making it so cold inside? To give the building the appearance of being the opposite of "the other place?"
ReplyDeleteAlso, I know that for me, fidgeting is a sign that I'm actually paying attention - my mind just focuses better when my hands and/or feet are doing something. It's when I STOP fidgeting and sit perfectly still, looking at the pastor politely, that you should get worried, because that's when I've completely zoned out.
ReplyDeleteI once sat behind a pastors wife in a church I was visiting...she was dressed in what I will politely refer to as a rather revealing dress ( and yes she had much to reveal) and she spent the entire service massaging her son's neck and shoulders. Vigorously.
ReplyDeleteOh, and son was approximately 17 years old. I cannot tell you one thing the pastor said but I left feeling icky. Good thing I knew Jesus because that might have sent me running from all things church never to return.
We have a nail clipper too, he always waits for the sermon. I think he's passive aggressively rebelling against the sermon. Oh and for the sleepers, our pastor says that he dosn't get offended by people sleeping because it means they feel safe AND they get more of the message then if they were awake and their mind was wondering! lol
ReplyDeletenot really body language, but how about the sound tech who brought a TV to church to set up at the sound desk so he wouldn't miss a car race.
ReplyDeleteuh... laying down in the pew... I witnessed this just 3 weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteSomehow, despite my asking yearly for a rock tumbler for 5 years, my parents didn't even remember I asked for one, much less bought me one.
ReplyDeleteMaybe someday I'll inherit my grandfather's industrial size one - though I wouldn't have anywhere to put it!
It's a clever ruse, but I love seeing people "take notes" on their blackberry, iPhone, or smart phone.
ReplyDeleteNo one -- i mean, NO ONE -- takes notes continuously for an entire sermon. Note taking has pauses, and short periods of intense writing, but then you look up and listen to the sermon again.
The real question is, are they texting, playing a game, or setting their fantasy football lineup for the games that afternoon.
I'd like to comment on this:
ReplyDelete"It's a clever ruse, but I love seeing people "take notes" on their blackberry, iPhone, or smart phone.
"No one -- i mean, NO ONE -- takes notes continuously for an entire sermon. Note taking has pauses, and short periods of intense writing, but then you look up and listen to the sermon again.
"The real question is, are they texting, playing a game, or setting their fantasy football lineup for the games that afternoon."
I use a pda to take notes on and I'm writing notes (or looking up the Scripture texts on my pda) the whole time of the sermon. Go easy on the folks who bring the electronic age into the sanctuary. My pastor puts his sermon notes on his Blackberry and refers to it as he's preaching.
During one of my hub's first sermons while in seminary I heard a familiar noise. But I couldn't quite figure it out because it was in the *wrong* setting. Click. Click. Snip. I leaned forward and saw the lady in front of me trimming her fingernails!! Talk about a slap across the face!
ReplyDelete