#622. The Pastor's Kid.

I recently saw the GI Joe movie. My only complaint, other than that Snakes Eyes' mask inexplicably covered his lips too which created this weird gummy smile, was that there was no public service message at the end.

That used to be my favorite part of the cartoon. At the end of each episode on TV, there would be a thirty second clip of some dumb kids trying to do something like pet a cougar. Then a member of the Joe squad would come out and say, "Whoa kids, cougars live to maul and maim. Though their fur is soft and downy, you should never pet one." The kids would look up and say, "Gee thanks Bazooka, you really saved us today." He'd look at the camera and respond, "Well now you know, and knowing is half the battle."

Knowing is half the battle, deep words from GI Joe and certainly words that were floating in my head when I decided to write about a subject I've largely avoided- Pastor's Kids.

I guess as a PK, there's part of me that didn't really know how to approach the topic. There are about a billion ways you can write about the oddity that is a pastor kid and I wanted to do us justice. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that yes, knowing is half the battle and if I can help you know what kind of pastor kid you have at your church, I've done a public service.

I believe there are primarily four types of pastor's kids:
1. The Replica
2. The Romeo
3. The Rebel
4. The Regular

And the easiest way to tell which kind you’re dealing with is to take this quick quiz:

1. During youth Sunday, your pastor's kid:
A. Delivers a fire and brimstone sermon, with an altar call and spontaneous baptisms.
B. Winks at his girlfriend from the pulpit and mentions that ladies can follow him on twitter if they’d like or myspace or facebook or just in the parking lot.
C. Promises to come to church that day and not throw anything round or square at the puppet team. Again.
D. None of the above.

2. During camp, your pastor's kid:
A. Questions the theology of the counselors leading the camp and feels glad that he packed his 37 pound concordance Bible with him.
B. Plays the three chords of guitar he knows, kisses 4 girls from 3 separate youth groups and almost gets kicked out for getting caught outside his cabin at night.
C. You're kidding right? He didn’t go to camp. He didn’t want to and that camp still has him on the blacklist after last year for that thing with the paint.
D. None of the above.

3. Your pastor’s kid tells a counselor:
A. “The pressures of tending for a flock are really heavy. And I haven't found a date to the eighth grade dance yet.”
B. “Is that your wife in that photo on your desk? Well done.”
C. “I’m here because my parents made me come. And I wish my dad spent more time loving the people in his own house instead of the people in church. He came home empty some days.”
D. None of the above

4. Your pastor’s kid drives:
A. Demons out of people.
B. A jeep. He’s the guy with the jeep.
C. A Volvo wagon with band stickers that may or may not be Swedish punk rock devil worshippers.
D. None of the above

5. Your pastor’s kid plays:
A. The organ or the harp although he’s not above a little tambourining if the girl he is courting wants to practice the HWMT.
B. The previously mentioned acoustic guitar, but he may also buy a pair of bongos when he realizes girls like mellow things like Jack Johnson.
C. Electric guitar or turntables depending on what is currently considered the most “screw you mom and dad” music at the time.
D. None of the above

6. Your pastor’s kid walks around church as if:
A. He’s praying for the building and the work of the lamb to be done there.
B. You can find him at the club, bottle full of bub.
C. He’s looking for some sort of structural damage he could exploit with an M80.
D. None of the above

7. Your pastor’s kid’s theme song is:
A. Pick a hymn, any hymn.
B. “Son of a preacher man.” Was there any doubt?
C. Is there a particular song you don’t like? Then it’s that one.
D. None of the above.

8. In church, your pastor’s kid sits with:
A. His mom on the front row but he’s got his eyes on the big pastor chair that’s on stage. Someday, someday.
B. With the shortys and or honeys and on some occasions, his boos.
C. Sometimes in the front row in an ironic way but mostly in the very back row.
D. None of the above.

Answer Key:
If you answered mostly A:
Ahh, the Replica, that junior version of the senior pastor. He knows more Bible verses than you, spends his summers practicing preaching in his tree house and knocks it out every year on youth Sunday. This kid came out of the womb knowing what he wanted to do. He is a chip off the old pulpit.

If you answered mostly B
Well, hello, hello Romeo. The ladies man. The “hi, you come here to worship often?” Charming, intuitive, slick and currently giving his parents ulcers. You can only hear so many stories from deacons or elders before the pastor starts hitting the pink stuff.

If you answered mostly C
Unlike, Stryper, this cat is not saying “To Hell with the Devil.” He’s dedicated to going the opposite direction that everyone in church and youth group goes. He’s going to swim in the baptismal, get kicked off each retreat he’s forced to attend and eventually realize he filtered God through the image of his dad all these years and they’re very different people.

If you answered mostly D
You’ve got a pretty regular kind of pastor’s kid on your hands. He’s not going to cause a ruckus but he’s also not going to lead a revival anytime soon. Nothing to see here folks, move it along.

Those are the four stereotypes I experienced most. Where the ladies at? Great question. I wrote this from the guy’s perspective because 100% of my own experiences as a pastor’s kid have been as a guy. (Maybe we should get a lady PK to write a guest post.) Me personally, I was a bit of the Replica and the Romeo. I loved speaking at church, but I spent most of my youth trying to get girls to make out with me. Emphasis on the word “trying.”

That’s my take on the pastor’s kid. What’s yours?

Are you a pastor's kid?

Did your pastor's kid fit any of the molds I offered today? If not, what stereotype did I completely miss?