Although I can play Frisbee all day and that's God favorite sport, I've recently realized that I suck at certain other athletic events. Although I love the idea of basketball, I've somehow developed this awkward running lay up that looks like how the nerd would do it in an after school movie about the jock who taught the nerd to play basketball while learning science and passing the test so he could play in the big game against their cross town rivals, who were of course named the Sharks.
When I throw a baseball it kind of looks like I'm doing an amazingly realistic impersonation of how someone from another planet who has never seen a baseball would throw it. Whenever I toss the football around, after throwing it about three times I always end up trying to talk the other guys I’m with into a kicking contest instead since most everyone is horrible at punting and at least I can hide my whackness that way.
All in all, it turns out that I'm not the fantastic athlete I like to think I am. So instead of one day hitting a home run and winning the church softball league, I feel my gift might instead lie in words. That perhaps though I will never dunk for Jesus, I can at least come up with a set of ideas that we all agree on, a five commandments of church sports leagues if you will. And that's exactly what I did.
The Five Commandments of Church League Sports
1. Thou Shalt Not Make Every Dropped Fly Ball a "Teachable Moment."
If I strikeout and we lose the game and I return dejected to the dugout, please don’t feel compelled to turn that into a "teachable moment." For one thing, I'm not sure the analogy you're making between me and King David is accurate. I mean he hit Goliath. Technically speaking he connected with his target. For another thing, if you use every strikeout or dropped ball in the outfield as a chance to teach me, you're going to need about 19 million sports/God illustrations because I'm horrible at softball. That’s going to exhaust both of us.
2. Thou Shalt Not Work Out Elder Issues on the Field.
Yeah, I agree, there's a bit of a power play going on between the elders and the pastoral search committee right now. Does that mean you should slide into second base cleats first in order to drive home that you're concerned the current candidate for senior pastor has a surprisingly liberal take on Baptism? Doubtful.
3. Thou Shalt Not Invite People to Church Based strictly on their athletic prowess. No ringers please. I am convinced the Fonti brothers, an Italian family that looked like Lou Ferrigno, only bigger, were invited to our church when I was a kid because they looked like they could swing a mean bat. And they did, people had to start parking in different parking lots because they hit so many homeruns. But be careful if you ever meet someone and say, "How tall are you? About 6' 5"? How's your vertical leap? You ever think about coming to church? I think you'd really like Jesus. And dunking, how do you feel about dunking? You enjoy doing that?"
4. Thou Shalt Invent Your Own Christian Swear Words
I personally am trying to bring the phrase, "Oh, Fiddlesticks" back in but so far no one is biting. But if you do find yourself having a moment where you just got hit in the crotch by a ball or someone missed a key free throw during church league basketball, please bust out a Christian swear word. "Oh my stars!" "Shazham," or even "Melon Farmer" will do.
5. Thou Shalt Not Start the Pastor just Because He's the Pastor
This is not a spiritual leadership moment. This is the bottom of the 9th inning. This is the championship game against another church in our community. We need someone who can close out this game and if the pastor has no curveball, always forgets which hand to put his glove on and secretly sees throwing nice big hittable balls as a way to "love his neighbor," keep him in the dugout. Let him pray while someone good pitches.
Those are my five commandments for church league sports, but I really feel like this list needs ten.
Which one would you add?
Did you ever play church league sports?
What commandment is missing?
A 3 a.m. post?? Really??
ReplyDeleteFunny, btw. My word of choice is "Rats".
ReplyDeleteI think Oh Fiddlestuck sounds more like a bad word. Play that and I think it'll be the hottest phrase out there. Mom's all over will say "What'd you just say?" And that make it cool.
ReplyDeleteI remember saying, "Sugarhoneyicedtea!" when I was a kid. Does that one count? Because it is technically an acronym for a swear word, so maybe it shouldn't count. Plus it's a little cumbersome. Sort of takes a lot of effort to spit that one out in the heat of the moment.
ReplyDeleteI would add:
ReplyDeleteThou shall not sub in the pitcher when all the practise she's had was in grade 8!
Just because she had tons of practice way back when, does not mean we should let her continue to pitch seven innings in a row while she tries to get her grove back....
I've never played a church league sport, but when we were kids, we spent tons of Wednesday nights playing kickball on the church softball fields. Which has nothing to do with anything, really...
ReplyDeleteFiddlesticks!
I tend to avoid church sports. You would have to invent a whole other set of commandments for me. I am a highly competitive kind of person who already has a very prolific set of Christian swear words. I make up my own and also steal from movies that have been edited for TV. Monkey Fighting, Mother Trucker, Funk, Shark, Assasination. I could go on for hours.
ReplyDeleteIf we are playing and you make an error for which I am rightfully angry because holy freak you were two feet from home plate with a runner coming in and you dropped the ball only to recover with plenty of time to spare but decided to try and beat the runner going to first like an idiot don't try to tell me "it's just a game dude." I will break an aluminum bat over your head.
If we are playing a friendly game of Ultimate Frisbee and you keep slapping my hand when I throw forcing incompletions then getting in my face about how awesome you are, don't be surprised when I tackle you before your next catch and make fun of how you couldn't catch a little Frisbee because of your concussion afterward.
If you are the elder's kid and you can't play for crap and we are in the last minute of the game down by 1 point don't be surprised when I don't put you in even if I promised you get at least a minute of game time. If your dad comes down to ask why you aren't playing it is your job to apologize to everyone when I get ejected for the stream of Christian swears I unleash on your idiot father, I mean we only need one freakin goal and I don't want some Jon Acuff wanna be doing some kind of hopscotch looking layup and getting a traveling call because you got two left feet, just sit there and pray the new kid that I witnessed to after the high school basket ball game who stands head and shoulders over everyone can at least draw the foul because he is amazing at the free throw line.
Yeah I need a whole other set of rules to help me because those rules aren't even remotely in my mind while playing sports.
I love watching older men cry when their team loses personally
ReplyDeleteSHOOT!
ReplyDeleteWhat about no fighting? It seems that would be a very applicable rule to church sports. Or is that just the churches I have been a part of?
ReplyDeleteSome of my favorite swear word substitutes are:
ReplyDeleteOh sugar!, but I draw out the "sh" sound for a second or two.
Donkey. ex. "I really got my donkey whooped playing baseball last night, but the pitcher did an amazingly realistic impersonation of how someone from another planet who has never seen a baseball would throw it."
Mother Father
Son of a fish
Kelly Clarkson!
I knew a woman who was a huge Beatles fan so instead of taking the Lord's name in vain she would yell "John Lennon!"
I also had a friend who did something similar, but he would substitute food items. So instead of taking the Lord's name in vain he would say "Cheese and Rice!"
Jackhammers! (Actually I don't use this one, but I'm going to start.)
The one I use most is so simple and almost everyone uses it, "Oh, poopy!"
As the guy who was always on the "b Team" for church league basketball (we had an A-Team and a B-Team, which were code for "good-team and the team that let's everybody get playing time"), let me say I'm so glad you mentioned the no ringers rule. There were guys at my church (there was an attendance policy to play on the ball team) who got real serious about their church attendance approximately two weeks before the beginning of the season. They backslid every year after they won the post-season tourney.
ReplyDeleteAs a budding pharisee, I was not a fan of this. It now makes me smile to look back on how seriously I took my church attendance (and how little I cared for basketball) and how the athletes reversed the priorities.
wv: immaneda (pronounced Eye-muh-knee-duh)
"Immaneda few minutes to come up with an appropriate word to express how I feel about the softball lodged in my windshield"
Just win baby! Its why you play the game! Playoffs, playoffs> are you talking about playoffs...
ReplyDeleteChurch league softball can bring out the best moments and some of the worst to be remembered for many years to come
My mom (who is nearly 68 yo) uses Fiddlesticks! all the time. She never says Shoot! but will often be heard saying Shoot fire! You might also try Goodnight Irene! But really, try to stay away from the minced cuss words or euphemisms. They're not very holy.
ReplyDeleteAnd, Jon, my older son does this ballet-leap lay up that is absolutely hysterical, so no worries. I'll try to get my more athletic but still very ungraceful younger son to catch it on video and send it to you. Ferreal, you'll look better than Mugsy.
III and IV are just too hard to follow. I have a friend who is an agnostic, but when church softball come around, he can holy-roll it with the best of 'em. He is clearly being fake, but he knocks so many outta the park that no one calls him on it.
ReplyDeleteRats, Ruckers, and Sampson are my favorite Christian swear words.
This is more an addendum to the no ringers rule, but "Thou shalt not use sports as an outreach opportunity unless it is a non contact sport." My church used to have a men's hockey night, and there were actual fist fights at least every other week. I mean really, I'm telling my buddy that he should turn the other cheek, and my father(not a believer)and the head of the church board are punching each other in the face and they were on the same team!!(true story - Dad was actually defending me because the board member just high sticked me and cut me right below the eye!). It really is a great way to destroy one's witness. Golf is okay as an outreach...but mostly because i love golf, and am planning to start a church golf league next year.
ReplyDeleteMy personaly favorite non swear word is dagnabbit.
FYI, I've been using "fiddlesticks" for quite some time now, and I believe it's a bona fide hit. Also in my arsenal are "rats" and "zoinks" (though the latter leaves me sounding a bit like Shaggy from Scooby-Do).
ReplyDeleteI second Jason P's comment. Also:
ReplyDeleteThou Shalt Not Berate Hapless Umpires
Nothing kills a good witness opportunity like dressing down an umpire for 30 seconds who went the other way on a bang-bang play. Throw out your 'Fiddlesticks' and move on, making sure to comment positively from time to time when the ump gets it right. Why not even have a conversation with them? Sometimes they seem shocked when I do, and only sometimes because of my poor use of softball terminology.
I'd like to amend James' suggestion to
ReplyDelete"Thou shalt not forget your church appointed position while berating the umpires"
Nothing says Church Softball like the chairman of the deacons storming the field over a bad call... and its not even the playoffs.
We don't have to worry about most of those things. The church where I go limits the team sports to 'only pastors/spouses' ~ some sort of bonding exercise, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteThe bad word of choice for me is 'Sugar' - say it just right and there's a real bite to it! ;)
My 9-year-old daughter uses "Oh Fiddlesticks" regularly. No idea where she got it from. Definitely not me.
ReplyDeleteThe only church softball game I ever played in was a staff game. I played catcher because I'm a lefty and couldn't borrow anyone's glove to play anywhere else and of course playing catcher without a glove is not hazardous AT ALL and did I mention that I'm afraid of the ball?
ReplyDeleteThe person who slid into me was our senior pastor.
Our senior pastor at the time?
John C. Maxwell.
Serious as a heart attack. (I'm just glad he didn't wear cleats.)
I'm not sure we need 5 more commandments for church sports leagues; most people have a hard enough time keeping the original 10 while playing!
ReplyDeleteI've always thought the term Church League was an oxymoron. I played Church league softball last year and it brought out the uglies of ugly when it came to sportsmanship. To me there wasn't a whole heck of a lot of Church in that League. It should be more like The Excuse League Softball, or maybe just shortened to The Excuse. because it seems like people that go to church use Church League Anything as an excuse to get out all that pent-up sinful nature...or at least an excuse to look like a doorknob in front of people that used to respect them.
ReplyDelete@ Nick the Geek...seriously...the funniest thing i've read in a long time!
I'll be in a church sports league starting next week: co-ed flag football. I'm really looking forward to inventing a new word...crum is really playing itself out.
ReplyDeleteChurch and sports has always reminded me of anger from past experiences. My brother got in a HUGE fight one time after a Tuesday night of basketball in the church gym. I don't think he and the other guy have spoken since. Then there was the Youth camp that was all about sports. We were all playing one thing or another. I was fine until my 3 on 3 basketball team kept getting all calls made against us. There was another church there that won all the trophies and I swear all the refs were from their church. It was just a really, really bad camp. People get really angry and competitive by nature in sports. I think it's hard to do church sports without someone getting upset. Just my 2 cents!
ReplyDelete@Steph,
ReplyDeleteway to name drop.
Thou shalt only be 'competitive enough':
ReplyDeleteSince the "most important thing today is that we all have fun out there" quote from coach goes in one ear and out the other, it's important to make sure that there's a good balance of competitiveness versus "everyone having fun out there today".
If your outfielders can't catch and are more interested in watching God's beautiful creations flutter about from flower to flower, basking in the evidence of 'intelligent design' in action, they're probably going to catch a flyball to their skull. So it's wise to yell out to/at them with a firm, grizzly command to "Pay attention sister Gertrude! We don't want a repeat of last seasons playoff game out there!!!". You're really only looking out for her best interest....
There was a lady in our church who played volleyball with my parents. She would yell "Piffle" whenever she messed up - or broke a nail. Another lady just screamed bloody murder if the ball came within 10 feet of her. As the years went by she learned to hit the ball, but she still screamed.
ReplyDeleteYou might like this:
ReplyDeleteWhy Christian Movies are like Porn.
http://www.philcooke.com/Christian_movies_porn_movies
How about:
ReplyDeleteThou shalt not excessively patronize the girls or tease them for "throwing like a girl".
C'mon, it's supposed to be fun, and they're playing because they want to play. I'm all for chivalry, but treat the girls like athletes who belong. And if you keep patronizing them, they're eventually going to show you up in front of everyone, which just gets embarrassing.
I'm going to be a real stick in the mud here, so you can either all let me have it or shower me with God's mercy (i'm hoping for the mercy.) I'm sorry Jon, but I had a hard time reading past the part where you said you "suck". That word bothers me because it's only a shortened version of a much more offensive phrase.
ReplyDeletePS > I read your blog everyday, usually love and laugh at your posts, and have linked to my facebook on many occasions. You are VERY gifted with your words. If you could just do away with that one...
I thought my mom was the only one who said fiddlesticks!
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite memories is when the volleyball "B-team" they had me captain(I was the only one with any playing experience)absolutely destroyed the ringer team...it may have been one of the best days of my church life there.
ReplyDeleteI played soccer in the church league, where the tackles come in at waist height, but they pick you up and pray for you afterwards. This may or may not be true.
ReplyDelete"Oh Fiddlesticks" was out? What? There go my coolness points...
ReplyDeleteAfter many years of being out of the church I was invited to play softball for a local church league where I knew only 2 people on the team. The third play of the game was a high pop-up down the first base line where a member of my team dropped his left shoulder and lowered the boom on the unsuspecting first baseman awaiting to catch what he thought was a routine out. The scene then switches to a half complete bench clearing on both sides. As I stood in amazement at what had unfolded my friend looked at me and said "Welcome to church league ball!"
ReplyDeleteI am now a member there and have been for over 8 years. I was baptized there and I am very active there. Had it not been for "Outreach" I don't know when and where I would have found my way back. I don't believe we have ever had another episode like this since.
My friend uses "Judas Priest" as his exclamation and it makes me laugh. I tend to use "Fartknocker", I hope thats not too bad.
All of my Christian swears are from my Grammie, so I sound like an old lady when I'm trying not to be blasphemous around Christians. Heavens to Betsy! Oh dear! Goodness me!
ReplyDeleteIt's kind of embarrassing.
Best Christian Swear Word Ever = "Flanders."
ReplyDeleteIt has that nice "eff" starting sound and at the same time referencing the ever loving super Christian Ned Flanders.
One of the best things ever to come out of Church Camp.
I feel your pain! So I taught my friends how to play Bocce. Who's good at Bocce? Me....and they are not. Boohoo. Now move aside, sister, and watch how a real man throws a Bocce ball.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could start a church Chess team!!?!!
Perhaps one should more importantly consider the lack of biblical authority for a church to fund and support an athletic team. When Christ was to be lifted up on the cross, He said, "But I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to myself." (John 12:32)
ReplyDeleteWe need to be careful about trying to "draw" people to church or keep them there with athletics and/or other worldly things. Let's just use the Gospel and Christ to "draw all men"?
My all time favorite christian swear word to use is farfegnugen. It means "the joy of driving" in German.
ReplyDeleteSince Ned Flanders has been mentioned, my favorite swear-word euphemism is "Son of a diddly!" I say that all the time.
ReplyDeleteI would add "Thou Shalt Have Group Prayer Before The Game Begins." That one particularly cracks me up. But our church softball league back home always did that.
ReplyDeleteI worked with a woman who used to say "shirkey-toot." Growing up there was a boy down the street from her who had some speech problems. When he would try to say "turkey shoot" it came out "shirkey-toot." That somehow became her curse word years later. I don't often say it, but I do say it in my head....a lot. :-)
ReplyDeleteI just thought of one kinda along the lines of "Don't patronize the women":
ReplyDeleteAlso don't exclude the women entirely because, you know, "we want to actually WIN."
This tended to happen with our church group's pickup volleyball games.
And Nick, if I got slid into by Jon Acuff, cleats or no cleats, I'd drop his name too. Cuz he's off the hizzy.
I'd also never wash the knot on my forehead from contact with his famous elbow.
No lie, Toby Keith used to play in my church softball league in Oklahoma. His team had some legit jerseys and always had a big crowd.
ReplyDeleteCurtis Honeycut,
ReplyDeleteRU from Moore OK? They named part of a street after him there. I'm not going to say anything else because momma said if you ain't got nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all. I don't know what that means because there are way too many negatives.
phuket...is a city in thailand!
ReplyDeleteDon't play volleyball with a pastor.
ReplyDeleteThis is a personal rule, not a commandment.
im just going to complain that you completely forgot about soccer...
ReplyDeleteNice post.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, if you want to know a person, try playing ball against him/her. Better yet, try playing with him. Anything, church or non-church league, where people take it seriously and try. Just watch.
For church league commandments, I would add:
Though shalt not speak of killing, slaughtering, blaming, pummeling, trouncing, etc. other teams when their name references anything Jesus or Holy.
It's horrible, I know. But it's happened. Really.
"You have to make the game tonight, we're gonna kill Christ the Savior."
What if battling with fiddlesticks was a church sport....then what psuedo-swear word could you use?
ReplyDeleteI totally say "fiddlesticks" on a regular basis.
ReplyDeleteAnon 11:03,
ReplyDeleteVerse 33 says, He said this to show the kind of death he was going to die.
So I'm curious to know why you're using that verse. And yeah, churches are largely misplacing their money, however, usually the church team pays for themselves to register and even buy jerseys. At least at the few churches I've been around enough to know.
I played in a church volleyball league for a short while. SHORT while.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to play a sport to ACTUALLY play a sport, join a real league. :-)
Church sports leagues should really be viewed as a fellowship activity with no athletic goal whatsoever attached to it. Otherwise, everyone involved will be disappointed one way or another. :-)
Hey! Interesting site, but I have to say that if it's gonna be as good as "Stuff White People Like", you should put more pictures. It's kind of "blah" to look at right now.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, very nice.
Oh man, my Christian swear words? There have been simply too many to count over my lifetime, but here are a few of my favorites.
ReplyDelete- fudge monkeys
- fudgesicles (which would occasionally become "sweet mother of all fudgesicles")
- stink
- foohey
- rackin' frackin'
- fiddle faddle (actually, my mom says this one)
- dagnabbit
- dadgummit (to which my brother replied, "Can you imagine if Dad actually 'gummed it' every time we told him to?")
Some of my favorites are "dagnabbit!," "doggoneit!," "stink!," and "stinkypoo!" A friend's personal favorite, "oh snap!," is starting to wear off on me as well. I also went through a phase when my favorite was "Billy Bob!" or one of its alternates: "Billy Bob Joe!" or "Billy Bob Joe Jr.!" For some odd reason I tend to prefer ones with multiple syllables.
ReplyDeleteI was stuck playing catcher all summer after I dropped several fly balls and cost us a game. My word of choice is farkle. You have to play the game to understand.
ReplyDeleteWow...I spent many childhood evenings at church softball games and bowling league nights. This was hilarious!
ReplyDeleteFor Christian swear word
ReplyDeleteI like my 10-yr old's choice:
Sponge Bob's "Barnacles!"
http://www.ChristianHaiku.com
God doesn't require you to love the brother who doesn't play very well. In fact, it's best not to talk to him at all. Sooner or later he'll get the idea he's not wanted and will stop playing and you no longer have to give him that charity spot deep in the batting order.
ReplyDeleteAnon at 11:03
ReplyDelete"When I am lifted up" has nothing to do with singing praise and worship songs. Nor does it have to do with giving Jesus compliments, saying nice things about him or giving personal testimoies about him.
It just means he's going to be put up on a piece of wood to die.
He will draw people to himself because he paid the price of our sin, because of which we couldn't draw near to God beforehand.
You might try looking at where Paul talked about becoming all things to all people so that by all possible means he would reach some. Yeah, try that.
Also... regarding church funds... You talk as if God gave us an outline on how to organize, structure and do church in the Bible. Sorry, he didn't. What we have is just tradition, not God's commandments on how we organize and budget our money. Should a church do this or a church do that? God doesn't even define "church" in the Bible for us the way we talk about it as a local congregation. He seems more concerned with what each of us does than what our human organizations do.
Thou shalt ALWAYS shake hands after the game in good sporsman-like conduct.
ReplyDeleteI remember playing a local church who was known for their great team for years on end. Out team on the other hand had been particularly awful for about 5 years or so. But, after getting several new members to our team that year, we managed to get significantly better.
We managed to wallop this team. Not just a good beating, but a shutout that ended the game early due to the mercy rule (is by inning 5 you are winning by more than 15 points the game is over).
The team was so mad that they wouldn't even shake hands after the game.
P.S. We went on to win 3 championships in a row.
How about children's church leagues?
ReplyDeleteHere's a commandment for coaches of children's leagues:
Thou shalt not spend all your time focused on your own child, but give equal time to each team member. After all, some of these parents may end up teaching your child Sunday School...
I likd some of the "Christian swears" everyone's been using. "Stink" and "Rats" are my current ones, but I think I might try farfegnugen.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget to accuse the other team of cheating.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you must talk smack! ('Cause that's what Jesus did with the Pharisees)
I had a friend growing up who was a PK... he wasn't even allowed to say "Shoot" or any of most normal of "Christian Swear Words" - but had apparently been told to create something himself to say when upset.
ReplyDeleteI won't say what on here because even if not identified I'm not quite sure he finds the whole thing as amusing as I do now, but I can just see 2nd grade him declaring "Oh [insert random bodily organ that makes no sense as a curse word here]!" to this day when people bring up things they say like this...
commenting on your other post you linked to (that's too old for me to feel comfortable commenting there) - the thing I want to know is why Christians don't differentiate more between "taking God's name in vain" and "Swearing" - in otherwords - I will NOT say OM_ or the equivalent of the Joss Whedon "gorram" (Which I feel really bad for even typing, lol) - where as crap (or its naughtier cousin), etc, are all words that our CULTURE has determined are cuss words - where in the bible - other than things suggesting that we speak of nice things - does it tell us not to use words our culture has deemed in appropriate - its all about not taking God's name in vain...
ReplyDeleteof course it also makes me think of the fact that apparently not all that long ago "Funky" was a bad word... like bad enough my mother won't tell me what it meant, lol, but it always bothers her when DCTalk would use the word Funky in a song...