#616. Near death visits to heaven.

(Matt, from the church of no people, is back. You might remember his guide to writing the ultimate Stuff Christians Like comment. You might have used his helpful tips to create a great Christian dating profile. Both of those were hilarious and today’s post is no different. In it, he shares some tips on heaven. Enjoy.)

Stuff Christians Like: Near Death Visits to Heaven

We love to talk about heaven, but what do we know about it? The Bible doesn’t say, but adults love to make Sunday School lessons out of it. Lots of people these days write books about seeing heaven during their near death experience. The stories are usually similar – white light, robes, clouds, Thomas Kincaid, Celine Dion on the radio.

Christians love stories about visits to heaven, but they seem like a pretty lame idea of the place, especially if it’s supposed to be a reward. I needed a firsthand look at heaven, before I had to go there forever...So I decided send my kid brother to scope out the place. It makes a great day trip for adults too, especially if you’re on a tight vacation budget.

Now, I’ve compiled the first definitive heavenly field guide, based on scientific evidence and my kid brother’s first hand visit. It will help you get the most from your visit to heaven, and be better prepared to write a best-selling book when you return.

A Day Trip to Heaven
How do I plan a visit to heaven?It doesn’t take much planning. Some people think they need to have a heart attack and a hospital with a doctor. But, if you had that kind of money, you’d be taking a real vacation on a yacht or something. All you have to do is stand up really straight with your knees locked tight and hold your breath as long as you can. You should stand on your bed and not by the TV, or where your mom can see you.* Just make sure you’re really really born-again right before you go, so you get sent to the right place.

*The AMA considers locking your knees and holding your breath a really stupid thing to do for any reason, including visiting heaven or avoiding eating vegetables.

What does heaven look like?A lot of super-nerds like to think of heaven as Star Trek or Battlestar Galactica; some nerdy alternate dimension complete with spaceships and lasers and hot, nerdy aliens. Well, it’s not like that at all, and it offends heaven that you would have such a lame fantasy.

It’s more like Lord of the Rings and World of Warcraft. Schweet...

How will I feel in heaven?
It’s awesome. Think of some time you were completely psyched on earth, like the first time you rocked out to Ace of Base or went to a boy/girl party. It’s like that feeling. In fact, after lunch in heaven – there’s no such thing as nap time. What do you think it is, a “place of rest?” Instead, they have ‘pump-up’ time, when everyone runs around and listens to House of Pain, just so no one forgets how awesome heaven is.

I was always told that heaven is our greatest wishes, times infinity. So if you plan on going to heaven soon, you should prepare by wishing for a bunch of really awesome stuff, like a pet falcon or a new bike, or moon shoes. If you wish for something lame like new socks, you’ll get new socks...times infinity. So it’s probably a really bad idea to wish for a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris.

What’s the weather like?
Heaven is always a pleasant 74 degrees with a 30% chance of rain. It never rains, but there’s always a chance, a slight chance. That’s great, except Jesus won’t let you spend your whole day in the heavenly mansion. He’s always pushing people out the door for some fresh air and exercise so he can mop the floors. You’ll still need a jacket when you go to church.

Heaven is also free of all natural laws we are used to on earth. Of course, you won’t be able to just tell there’s no natural laws. So go ahead and do a simple test on an everyday natural law, one that you use all the time on earth. Any natural law will do. Try out the second law of thermodynamics and see what happens...did you try it? Pretty sweet, huh?

What is there to do in heaven?
The rumpus room has a lot of stuff. Some kid wished for a Wii right before showing up, so that pretty much worked out for everyone. The dollar theater was playing Harry Potter, so you won’t get bored.

The angels are always partying for all the souls on earth responding to altar calls. Contrary to popular belief, the angels do dance. However, there are threats of shutting this down, along with the mixed bathing, since Jesus has to spend so much time making sure the angels are dancing far enough apart for him to wedge his body between them. With all that, he barely has any time to make the grape juice.

Plus, Jesus is going to have to leave sometime, because he’s got to get back to Earth right before Steve and Julie Garrett of Akron, Ohio consummate their marriage.

You still have to go to church, but it’s way different. Even though everyone in heaven is there, it’s like the Sunday no one shows up. Some guy came on stage with an eagle, and when they passed the offering plates, people weren’t putting money in. They were taking handfuls of Skittles out. They did still have an altar call. Pastor Brother Bill kept saying, “I see that hand, thank you,” but I didn’t see anyone raising their hands.

Sometimes, Jesus will ask you to recite a Bible verse, but if you just quote Ben Franklin, he’ll usually accept it.

Who is in heaven?
A bunch of people. I saw my Grandma, my pet dogs, some dude named Morrie, the Blue Man, the Captain, Ruby, Marguerito, and Tala. I sure missed them.
You can meet most people in heaven through Twitter. Jesus is really into it. He’s following all 8,000 heavenly Tweet-souls and he’s already got, like, 50 followers in return. But he pretty much uses it to give shout-outs to himself.

Heaven has a bunch of other stuff you’ll like, and it can pretty much be summed up here.

There you go. If you want your kids to be good, make sure they know the truth about heaven. Anyone else who has been to heaven can share their stories too!

(For more great stuff from Matt check out his blog, the church of no people.)