Oh I did this. I did this. I did this. I did this!
I wish I could joke about this topic and say, "Ha, those people that confess sins to other people that don't even know they've sinned against them are ridiculous!" But today, those people are named "me."
A few weeks ago I wrote a post titled "Who are you jealous of?" In the post I shared how a friend encouraged me to celebrate my rivals. So I did that. I wrote about four people I often get jealous of and then attempted to celebrate them by writing about them on Stuff Christians Like. But in my attempt to do that, I think I might have perpetuated the core idea that this post is about. I think I might have become one of those people that comes up to you and says, "I want to confess some sin in my heart that I've been harboring against you."
Sometimes in situations like this, the person is trying to honestly apologize but sometimes it’s just a weird, confusing interaction that leaves both parties feeling baffled. And I think I might have done this. The reason I say that is when I emailed the people on my "jealous list" and asked them if there was anywhere special they would like me to link because I was giving them a big shout out, one of them wrote back, "That's kind of you … I think."
Does that mean I was guilty of doing what this post is about? Was my heart not in the right place? I’m not sure, but I can take some small comfort in knowing that I didn't execute the worst possible case of this phenomenon, which is when a guy confesses to a girl that he has been lusting after her in his heart.
A reader named Jeff reminded me of this the other day in the comments section on SCL and he wrote it better than I could. Here is how he describes what happens:
Guy: I have a confession to make, oh female best friend of mine.
Girl: What is it?
Guy: I have sinned against you.
Girl: Really? I never even noticed.
Guy: No, really I did. And I want to get right with you and God about it.
Girl: But you're already right with me.
Guy: No, no, I'm not. You see, I have lusted in my heart for you.
Girl: uhhmm... ewww?
Guy: Really, I lusted deeply, heavily, and thouroughly. In my heart. For you.
Girl: Oh. That's ducky.
Guy: I'm so glad that we've cleared the air. Aren't we so much closer now that we've cleared the air?
Has someone ever made an awkward, possibly unnecessary confession to you? (Sometimes they are heartfelt and actually help heal a wound, but sometimes they are straight silly.)
Have you ever done that?
Has this ever happened to you?
How about confessing that you wrote a post that we have no idea what you're talking about--this one.
ReplyDeleteEnough about you already. I know you want to prove your humility to us by being open about your thoughts, but you are still directing convoluted attention to yourself.
I get it. (My accountability partner at a Christian camp used to joke that she'd make me confess my lust to the guy who was the object of it.)
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, I sometimes think about confessing sins to people who might or might not know what I'm talking about. For example, what do you do if you know you said something hurtful to someone years ago and you're not very close to that person now? It might be on your conscience, and they might still be bitter toward you, but they also might have completely forgotten it. Should you confess?
How about you post a list of enemies you're going to love this month b/c Jesus told us to love our enemies.
ReplyDeleteI once went back and confessed how it was wrong to make out with a friend who was not a Christian. To her. It didn't end as well as you'd might imagine...
ReplyDeleteHah, I absolutely know what you mean! I have never done this (that I know of) but it was a practice I was introduced to at my Christian college group, and it was quite bewildering when one friend would approach another and tell them that they had thought all along they were an idiot and a jerk, but because of the grace of God they don't think that anymore and that they're sorry, when the other person wasn't aware that the other person disliked them at all.
ReplyDeleteShannon -
ReplyDeleteThat's a good question. Sometimes I want to apologize just because I'm tired of carrying something and I want someone else to carry it instead. Or I think that something I said was really big and hurtful. But the truth is that sometimes that's just my ego because the person doesn't even remember I said it and by apologizing I end up essentially saying, "Remember a few months ago when I said that sentence to you at a party? Well my words are really powerful so I'm sure it's been weighing heavy on you this whole time, so I want to apologize." So I get caught up in that. Usually my wife Will call me on that kind of nonsense if I run the planned apology by her first.
Jon
Haha, I've done it. Someone that I was working with irritated me a lot, but that person didn't know it, or intentionally do it. I started getting snippy, so later, I called up the person and apologized for my attitude towards them.
ReplyDeleteThe response?
The person: Oh, you were annoyed at me?
Me: Uh, yeah.
The person: I didn't notice, what was it about.
Me: Uh, well, never mind.
Yeah, it was awkward, but I really had thought that my annoyance with the person had come through bright and clear.
I was then annoyed that the person didn't 'get' the fact that I had indeed been annoyed. But I didn't apologize for that.
And, someone apologized to me the other day, and I was like "I really don't remember you doing anything against me".
After a chapel about "getting right" with others, a jr. high student came to me and said, "Ms. K. I just want to apologize for all the really mean things I said about you when you were my teacher last year. It was wrong to do."
ReplyDeleteUmm, what did you say and to whom did you say these things?
Dear Anon @3:52 AM -
ReplyDeleteAre you going by "Anonymous" to avoid directed convoluted attention to yourself?
Nah...I think you're just a coward.
This reminds me of a quote I read one time (I can't remember who said it, sorry) that said something like, "We wouldn't worry so much about what other people thought of us if we realized how little they actually did it."
ReplyDeleteHA!! What Katdish said. Isn't she awesome? :-)
ReplyDeleteI've had someone do this to me. I had no idea what they were talking about. Awkward turtle. But I didn't want them to feel all awkward turtle, so I went along with it.
I have some stuff that I'm sifting through now as an adult and as a child saved by Grace. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to someone and confess and apologize and sometimes I think I'll make things weird if they don't know what the heck I'm talking about.
I just kinda pray about it as the situations come up and ask what I should do.
Good post!!
Gah. I've known way too many people (women, of course) who've discovered that over-apologizing is a terrific way to manipulate people. Is being passive-aggressive something Christians like?
ReplyDeleteA friend did that confessed all this stuff about how she defended me when everyone else was teaaring me down etc.... I left feeling...oh, great....this was a long time ago and I'd forgotten it (sort of)
ReplyDeleteBut I did the same thing sort of to a lady I was afraid I'd offended and I apologized and she took it very well even though she said she really hadn't been offended....I think its that "if a brother has ought against you you should go to him" can be a sticky wicket.....
Hm. I'm of two minds about this. I think that giong back and apologizing, days, weeks, months or years later when the person, as you say, may have no idea or not remember could be very awkward turtle. At the same time, my mom did something like this. She had harbored a pretty bitter grudge against a student she had very seriously mentored in youth group, who got pregnant out of wedlock (I know, I know, its a thing Christians don't like), which to my mom was like a slap in the face from years of mentoring. Let's just say the pregnancy wasn't a mistake in the student's mind. About a decade later, my mom wrote a very long letter to the girl, explaining how hurt she had felt and how disrespectful the action had been, but that through Christ my mom had learned from it, learned to let go of grief and bitterness, and that she hoped the girl was living a love-filled life centered in God. In that scenario, I think it was necessary and with the background info, tactfully handled.
ReplyDeleteand to anon@3:52 a.m. Better a teacher call out themselves in their sinfullness than call out you. Something tells me had Jon called on you specifically, you would have had a longer, more pointed anonymous speech. Humility and leading by example are how Jesus walked this earth. You should try it sometime :)
wv: payelyca - repaying a debt no one ever knew about.
Ha! this is hilarious. Christians do this all the time.
ReplyDeleteOnce a lady I didn't even know, came up to me and asked me to forgive her because she told me I was unorganized and didn't do kids ministry in a way she agreed with. She also said she shared these feelings with many others in the church.
I don't know about her but I felt much better.
Ha! Indeed. I don't recall ever doing this, though there have been a few things that I've felt prompted to ask forgiveness for in the past (I should note that I didn't followed those promptings, which I am not proud of, but it is the unfortunate truth). Some would be more necessary than others.
ReplyDeleteThis post did remind me of a story a pastor told during a recent sermon. He was talking about something else, but the story was about when he went rock-climbing with a non-Christian friend, and lost his grip and fell (only a short way, without injury), at which point he let out one strong curse word. After landing on his feet, he immediately ran around to the other side where his friend was climbing, and profusely apologized for swearing! His friend looked at him as if he'd gone completely off his rocker.
I think this is where godly wisdom comes into play. With the aforementioned pastor, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, but generally we think about it first before we apologize, so I would say that praying for wisdom to make the right decision is key.
And in the meantime... I really need to make some of those apologies myself. I'm sure that at least a few of them *do* remember, so... :/
Anonymous@3:52-Wow. I don't know you but your post really made you come across as bitter and negative. You might want to re-think it. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteI've never done this to anyone but I've had it done to me by one of my BFF's in highschool. It was so hurtful and such a big production that it affected my attitude towards her for a long time. I'm over it now and we are friends. I mean she was in highschool so I think she deserves a bit of a break :)
Here's what Evangelical Dictionary of Biblical Theology states about Confession of Sin...
ReplyDelete"...there is wisdom in the principle that sin should be confessed to those whom it has directly harmed. When the whole church has been affected, the whole church should hear the confession. When one other person has been harmed, we should confess to that person. But when the sin is a "private" one, we may well keep the confession between ourselves and God."
There's some good guidance there.
Having read Jim's reply, I couldn't agree more. Very wise words. If you know the other person doesn't know about the sin (like in the example in the post), keep it that way, and just confess it to God.
ReplyDeleteThank you for adding that reply, it was very helpful in clarifying. :)
@Sam (7:01 AM) - That is too funny. Sounds like you were the victim of someone using an apology to slam you! Kind of like Jon's post on how we sometimes diss each other in prayer requests.
ReplyDelete"I just wanted to say sorry, because I've held bitterness in my heart for the way you are an unorganized, helpless, ignorant leader who doesn't know left from right."
Terrible. Just terrible...
I had a guy friend that said he couldn't have coffee with me anymore because it was "too much" for him.
ReplyDeleteI felt like I had done something wrong to him. I now second guess myself when I hang around guys. Can guys and gals really be friends without one or the other having too many feelings for the other?
P.S. I have to agree with Carrie about Anonymous at 3:52.
ReplyDeleteThat's good stuff Jim. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty rubbish at confessing. I'm not to the point of confessing to things no one has any idea about because I hardly ever confess to anything :/
ReplyDeleteJust because the other person did know you (Wanted their promotion, despised them because they got something you worked for... etc) sinned does not excuse not telling them. Yeah, its gonna be an awkward conversation, but I think we saw in yesterdays Christian Culture post that being Christian doesn't mean you need to be cool.
I didn't take your previous post as confessing sin to someone who has no idea what you're talking about. I took it as confronting a (very common, maybe universal?) tendency to begrudge others success that we wish we had. Someone wise told you to get out from under that particular unhelpful burden by learning to celebrate them. And you honestly let us know about struggles with feelings of rivalry/envy and also went ahead and gave them some public recognition and praise.
ReplyDeleteIt made sense to me then and your post today makes sense to me now. But as I am the mom of a young infant who doesn't yet sleep through the night, I am not sure that I will make sense to anyone. :-)
~Courtney
I'm just laughing about: "Oh, that's ducky." Like a good, hard tummy laugh.
ReplyDeleteI'll never forget the first time I met my soon-to-be husband's entire extended family. His parents threw us an engagement party which was attended by all his many, many, many aunts, uncles and cousins. I quickly bonded with his cousins over our shared homeschooling experiences, awkward social skills and love of singing, dancing, animated Christian vegetables. We had a great time and everyone seemed fine.
ReplyDeleteThe next day, a few of his cousins came over again and one of them, an 11-year-old boy, asked to speak to me in private.
"Sarah, I will you forgive me for what I said yesterday?" He asked earnestly. I swear there were even tears in his eyes. I told him I'd gladly forgive him, but I had no idea what he was talking about.
"I called you short. I'm sorry."
"Oh, no it's ok. I, um, forgive you."
It was adorable, but made me even more self-conscious of my petite frame.
Before communion the preacher told everyone to work out their issues with one another and ask forgiveness.
ReplyDeletePeople were excused to phone people or if they were in the room to go to that person. My husband and I were surprised when a staff member came up to us and said he had been hurt by a comment about a sermon he preached one Sunday months before. Hmmm.....we didn't know there had even been tension between us. We are now more cautious about our joking so it all worked out for the good but it was an awkward moment for us to say the least.
Hmmm..... Anon @ 3:52... Jon's blog is a source of daily comic relief as well as an evaluation of my practices as a Christian and trying to bring more glory to my Savior and less to myself.
ReplyDeleteSo you can understand why you have received much negative feedback towards your comment. This blog serves a lot to most of us, and we are very grateful for Jon's time, words, and creativity.
In all sincerity though, I do have to say... if you don't like his blog (which clearly you don't, as your comment seemed to have a lot of pent up hostility in it) then please feel free to meander elsewhere. No one is holding you down, forcing you to read it! So if it bothers you so much, just stop reading it. :-)
Bless your heart though. Just bless your sweet little heart.
Yeah, I'm remaining anonymous to protect the guilty.
ReplyDeleteA couple of years ago after a worship team "retreat" (and by retreat I mean a day in the fellowship hall--wow!) one of the other members of worship team came under conviction to confess and apologize to me for all the bad thoughts she had had about me. The weird thing is that I never knew she had those feelings. And to top it all off, she also felt compelled to stop by my house unannounced at 8:30 in the morning to make said apology. I had finished my workout and ready for a shower, but I got to hear her confession instead.
I kind of think she really wanted me to tell her what a wonderful person she was for confessing and apologizing, but all I could think of was it would have been better to "take it to the Lord" and leave me out of it. Like a previous post said--private sins should be kept private.
Rachel@8:07 AM - This made me smile from ear to ear: "Bless your heart though. Just bless your sweet little heart."
ReplyDeleteYou (and I) totally have "Bless Her Heart Syndrome". Hilarious.
Well, there's two ways to think about this one. There are times when I have wronged someone. I've told a lie about them or to them. I've humiliated them or made them feel "less than" in some way. This happens to a lot of kids in school and some of the scars kinda stay with you. I was the kid everyone abused..and I mean physically and emotionally. If even one of those people from back then...all these years later...would see me and tell me that they remember doing that and really feel bad about it...it would really touch my heart. But, there are those times when you hold a grudge against someone or whatever but you never let it show. YOu feel guilty about it and want to get it off your chest. Those are the times when you take it to the Lord and then cut it lose rather than make yourself feel better while the process hurts someone else. Just my knee-jerk thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHow about this as a parameter for this kind of thing?
ReplyDeleteAsk yourself : (1) Is this confession going to make me feel better?
(2) Is this confession going to make the other person feel worse?
If the answer to both questions is yes, then get over yourself and keep your mouth shut.
Just an idea.
I usually just walk through the conversation in my mind a few times until I've said the "right" things and then I feel better.
ReplyDeleteI've never done this - but have been at the receiving end of this one on several memorable occasions. A few weeks after I became a Christian I had a lady I barely knew ring me up to repent to me - she asked me to forgive her for hating me because her husband had the hots for me amongst many other things. I hardly knew the guy, certainly had nt led him on & didn't have any idea whatsoever about anything she said and was literally devastated that she was accusing me of being a husband stealer all the while cloaking it deceptively as her confession. The whole situation had nothing to do with me - it was their stuff - talk about awkward!I had to go do New Christians classes with both of them about 2 hours later!
ReplyDeleteAnother time I had someone ring me (amazing how people will confront you over the phone in ways they never would in person) and ask me to forgive her for holding offence in her heart toward me because I was an angry controlling and manipulative person who should never have been placed in church leadership,etc etc. Again, cloaked in this deceptive repentance that really was just a manipulative way of offloading her bitterness and jealousy. Both those incidents really devastated me and made me second guess every word I spoke for months and months. Confessing a sin to someone who has no idea about it needs to be done very carefully. The heart motive of all of the experiences like that I've had was vindictive - not someone who was soft hearted and really wanted to get things right.
This happened to me this past Sunday...and I STILL don't know what it was about! Something about a children's book. I guess they just needed to confess. And I've tried to remember the conversation/what happened -- I just can't. It wasn't a big deal to me I guess!
ReplyDeleteIt was very odd!
Perhaps what I find the most funny about this is that I wrestled for quite some time about whether I should confess the secret lustfulness of a female friend and kept going back and forth about whether it would be creepy or if it would be a good thing.
ReplyDeleteEven worse is that at one point, deep down inside, I think I was secretly hoping that they were secretly feeling the same way. How kooky is that?
Anonymous @ 3:52 AM slams Jon
ReplyDelete"Christian" Blogging community slams Anonymous
Well Done.
Anonymous @3:52 really? you kind of started it by slamming Jon...get real...
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of a true story where a husband "confesses" to his wife that he has thought she was fat and unattractive. That's sad and wrong.
ReplyDeleteI can't say I've ever experienced this myself and I don't think I've done it, but there are a lot of hours in the day, so who knows!
My sister did this to me...almost. It sounded like it was going to be an apology, but she somehow didn't think that she did anything wrong, just blamed me for her resentment, etc. It was really hurtful and I haven't thought of her the same way or really trusted her since.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you do when you have done something wrong, the person got angry, you apologized and they finally accepted your apology (after a few days)... but you still don't feel right about it?
ReplyDeleteJust try and get over it I guess?
I keep feeling like I should go to the person and ask if there is some way i can make it up to them... or something... but at the same time I think that would be wierd b/c we are not close friends anyways, just two people that go to the same small church. :(
any advice???
I totally know someone who does this quite often. I do believe they have the best intentions, but it really does confuse others when they go and ask forgiveness for some inside emotion that the other person never even knew existed. (bitterness, anger, etc.)
ReplyDeleteOr when someone confesses for saying something about you to someone else...I think it would've been better simply not to know. Because then *their* confession may cause anger or bitterness in you...and so later you go to them and confess, and pretty soon it's just one big cycle.
I was just thinking this morning that I needed to put a blanket apology on the header of my blog. "I'm sorry world. Plan to be offended by nearly everything I say and do. The end."
ReplyDeleteI was also wishing I could have more of a gentle humor like yourself, more grace-filled and not quite so obnoxious. But, alas. I wake up every day and I'm still me.
Was that a good confession?
Great blog post. This kind of apology has happened to me more than once.
ReplyDeleteOne on occasion, a member of the board of trustees at the Christian school where I worked came to me and apologised for bad-mouthing me at board meetings so that I wouldn't get a promotion I was trying for. I didn't get the job. I can't say I was happy at her apology, as it was over a year later and obviously intended to make her feel better rather than me and she clearly expected instant forgiveness on the spot, when obviously I had a lot to process all of a sudden. But as time has passed, I've been able to admit to myself that in fact I always suspected that she was doing this, and her confirming it made it more concrete so I could deal with it properly and forgive her.
The other time, someone came to me and apologised for treating me 'wierd' for over 18 months! Unfortunately I hadn't noticed, which left me in a quandary. Do I accept her apology without question, thus implying that I had noticed, when I hadn't? Or do I tell her I hadn't noticed, thereby making her feel insignificant?!
Yes, my cousin did this to me. The night before my wedding. She told me that she had always been jealous of my and asked for my forgiveness. She went on to describe what she had been jealous of and told me that she had attempted suicide a few times because it was so bad. She told me this to "release" me of this burden on her. It made me feel REAAALLLLY good.
ReplyDeleteWow. My goofy little comment made it into the post itself. I feel all special inside.
ReplyDeleteI don't have anything to add to this great discussion, or the post, but thanks, Jon. This post was extra special.
uhm, this post was extra special in a completely self-serving way that I should probably be ashamed of and confessing something about, not extra special in the sense that it was better just because it had my thoughts in it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I am missing something, but where in the Bible does it say that we are to confess our sins to others? Yes, in Matt. 5:23-24 it does say to ask the forgiveness of a brother who has something against you...but this indicates one major thing - the 'brother' in question KNOWS about the sin you've committed against him (or, at least, could know - ie: gossip).
ReplyDeleteWhere does it say that we are to confess our personal sins to others? The sin may have been directed towards or in reaction to a certain person, and may cause you to sin against that person - leading them to have something against you. But if it's YOUR sin (ie: impure thoughts) then you need to confess it to God and ask His forgiveness.
Is there something I'm missing or can someone give me a verse that says otherwise?
I've never confessed a sin against someone else to them, unless it directly affected them. As in, my sin caused them harm or hurt or something of that nature. I don't believe in confessing sin to another human. That's one of the reasons I left the Catholic church--why should I confess my sins to a Priest, another human. Why can't I just go directly to Jesus? I can and am supposed to, so I do. (please dont jump on me, I am NOT bashing the Catholic church-just stating my personal beliefs.) :)
ReplyDeleteI've never awkwardly confessed anything. I suppose if it makes a person feel better to confess their sin out loud, then more power to them. I just personally wouldn't feel comfortable walking up to someone and saying, "Hey, I sinned against you by lusting after you or by coveting your______".
I do, however, wholeheartedly believe in having an accountability partner-someone you can be raw and real and honest with to help you with your journey. Even with them, I don't think names and specifics HAVE to be confessed, only if the parties involved are comfortable with that.
I think it's Pr 16:2 where it talks about a man's ways seem innocent to him but God weighs the motives. I get it, sometimes these 'confessions' are just spiritual ways for us to speak our mind and feel good about it.
ReplyDeleteNornie Gal --
ReplyDeleteJames 5:16 (NIV) says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."
Granted, it doesn't say you have to confess to the person you've sinned against.
Jon, I don't know if you'll read this, but I wanted to encourage you about this situation. I think that the confession you wrote to the person you told you had some jealousy towards is totally different than a confession of lust to somebody. Personally, I think it was really brave and honouring of you. All you were doing was saying that you really liked their stuff and admired them as writers. Some people take things the wrong way, but in most cases, that's actually an issue they have with receiving praise/feedback/etc.. I think you did a good thing.
ReplyDeleteAmen to Shannon Christman, I was going to quote that verse!
Confession and accountability are good guys! They just require a lot of wisdom in whom you choose to confess to.
Jon, love your blog. Crazy love it. Crazy crazy love it.
Keep up the good work!
Matt M
matt-theblog.blogspot.com
Hey Anonymous @3:52 (and/or Anonymous @9:30...
If you're prepared to dish out your issues on someone, be prepared for people to call you on it. This is a Christian Blogging Community, and therefore, people will stick up for their own and hold people accountable if they're attacking one of their own.
laughing that this post has got this many responses...wow...good job on opening up the floodgates Jon...he's probably in a hammock in the backyard...
ReplyDeleteThis conversation is best had on the last night of a mission trip, camp, or retreat in front of 100 people. I have seen this done and it takes real skilz to pull it off with the perfect balance of awkward and creepy.
ReplyDeleteyeah, isn't that a good move of Jon? He writes a post, someone slams him, we circle the wagons and stick up for Jon, and he technically doesn't even notice since he's in the hammock, as a previous poster stated. Good times.
ReplyDelete(not slamming you Jon, I liked your post and I think people that sign off anonymous need to brave up. Especially since leaving your name without a link leaves you untraceable. I just like noticing how some comments lead lives of their own. People are people, live on on the net.)
wv: dingspin: what getting hit by the commenters after an anonymous comment will do to you
they moved so fast he didn't see the dingspin coming
Jim and Saskia -
ReplyDeleteI wish I had a hammock. If only. As far as responding to anon comments goes, after getting all wound up about them in the last few months I decided that I would respond to 1 negative comment for every 1,000 positive comments I responded to first. I realized the temptation for me is to only focus on and dwell on the negative comments which is so backwards, but really easy to do. I don't know if other bloggers do that but I def do.
Thanks for adding to the conversation
Jon
@Ben of BenandJacq:
ReplyDelete"I once went back and confessed how it was wrong to make out with a friend who was not a Christian."
Just to clarify, it's okay to make out with a friend who IS a Christian?
Yay!
Best way to deal with all that awkwardness is look the person right in the eyes and say "I forgive you." the person has received what they wanted, forgiveness, and if instead, what they really just wanted was to somehow receive vindication for their actions (you know, "i am sorry i was so angry with you" to which they are hoping to hear "no, i was dead out of line and actually i need you to forgive me")then it brings up the real issue pretty fast (when they get all defensive for you implying they actually did something in need of "forgiveness"), then every one gets their come to Jesus moment...
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of Steps 8 and 9 in Celebrate Recovery: "Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to others when possible, except when to do so would harm them or others." No reason to admit your sins against someone if it's going to hurt them more than the actual sin! That should be between you and God!
ReplyDeleteI definitely had a guy apologize for hating me...twice. Like the first time didn't take care of the issue. The first time you scratch your head a little and move on. What do you do the second time? I don't know.
ReplyDeleteThe weird thing is its a guy that I think is a good guy. I like him. I think he is funny and talented. Apparently he hates me though. Or maybe he's over it. I don't know. Its been a few years, maybe he has built up some more hate.
The conversation given with this post totally made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteA guy had this same exact conversation with me when I was in seminary. He would literally scoot his chair away from me when I sat in the desk next to him.
I thought he was odd, but whatever. I didn't think too much about it.
And then he comes out with this big apology for it saying he had been lusting for me and needed to move away from me to preserve his sexual purity.
It was very awkward at the time and worse so because he asked me out on a date right after the confession. um, no.
Although now I think that was pretty funny. Inappropriate, but funny.
I wanted to come up with a funny story, but I couldn't :(.
ReplyDeleteI think we need to be selfless in everything, including our confession. If our confession is meant merely to unburden our heart or get acclaim, we should take it to God along with a confession of our pride.
Dear Jon...LOL...i knew that would get you out of the hammock...
ReplyDeleteNo. Confessing. Lustful. Thoughts. to the "lustee." EVER.
ReplyDeleteThankfully I have yet to do this b/c of it being done to me!! Right before the Lord's supper a girl came up to me and said she couldn't take part until she had confessed the sin in her heart against me. And to make the experience all the more painful she proceeded to take me to Super Salad (a place I now correlate to painful memories) and hand down the 10 things I hate about you list. Till this day it is strained and awkward between us, to me at least. We hardly knew each other when this happened but she had just gotten back Journeyman and you can guess the rest of the story...sigh. Confess to God and leave it at that!
ReplyDeleteMy story is completely different...
ReplyDeleteI unwittingly offended someone I stayed with and she walked around with an angry face for months (!) At that time there were other things that she was angry about and so I did not really dwell on it, but then she DEMANDED an apology from me.
Needless to say that also did not go down to well..
I do agree with everyone that you should NEVER confess your lusting to the lustee.... NOT a good idea!
This was done to me once. There really is nothing helpful to say. Especially when they tell you their sin and it has no effect on your attitude towards the conversation.
ReplyDeleteI think it closed by me saying, "I forgive you?"
The question mark really cleared the air like a can of deoderant used as air freshener.
I'm glad I haven't seen him for a while.
I've done this a couple of times, sometimes more subtley, sort of saying Please forgive me, but not really going into the details and other times telling them straight.
ReplyDeletePeople who I knew did wrong and who I didnt know have apologised to me. I'm one of those people who tend to feel very bad very long after something happens and beat myself up about it...
So gonna share the best advice I have received in this regard. Firstly. It is to God that you have sinned - Psalm 51. So your first point is feeling bad, and confessing and repenting to God for what you did to another person or the grudge you held, etc. And then the next step is to ask God,s hould you approach the person or what next he wants you to do...in some cases you may find that God has taken away the guilt and u're free to just "love on" the person...Or you may sense that you do need to actually sort this out.
But begin with God, becuase then the outcome turns out better than when we just slap a bombshell on someone.
My pastor used to open the flood gates on this one. He would announce that people needed to get right with one another "right now, during worship". The band would play while people would go apologize for unknown sins against one another. As a staffer, I once had a line of people waiting to apologize. I hope it made them feel better because it made me feel crazy!
ReplyDeleteHaha, I have a friend who when we lived in the same town would ask me over for lunch if I had offended her, and then she would "confess" to me how I had offended her. Funny thing was, she never asked me to have lunch with her otherwise, so I always had the "Uh oh, what did I do this time?" reaction in my head as soon as she asked me if I'd like to have lunch with her. The thing was, 95% of the time whatever I had said that had offended her hadn't even been directed at her.
ReplyDeleteExample:
Friend: "Thanks for having lunch with me. I have something I want to confess to you."
me: "Mhmm (chewing)"
Friend: "Things have been a little weird between us lately, and I wanted to talk to you about it."
me: "ok" *have no clue that things were weird, actually I had thought up until the lunch invite that things were peachy!*
Friend: "You see, the other day when you mentioned to X that you don't trust Army doctors, that really hurt me, because my second cousin twice removed is an Army doc and that made me feel like you don't value my family or me."
me: "Oh, I am so sorry to have offended you! I honestly didn't know your second cousin twice removed *existed*, uhm, I mean, is an Army doc. I very much value you."
Friend: "Good, I'm glad that is cleared up, and things won't be weird between us any more. We should have lunch together more often!"
me: *uh oh, what did I do NOW?!*
Oh, I am PAINFULLY familiar with this scenario. In fact, I was telling a friend the other day about one particular time I did this: I "confessed" to disliking a girl for no particular reason... to her face... in front of the entire Wheaton College chapel, mind you!... during the 1994 "revival." (Which was basically just 3,000 or so people standing up and publicly confessing every possible sin we could think of to each other for many, many days. Right idea. Really wrong format.) I just wish that was the only time I'd done that.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, I love your blog and have been reading it for months. Figured I'd quit stalking and finally make a comment. Thanks for your humor and transparency!
Great post & btw "your confessions" are about "you" so, some of those comments are silly. I pray that one day I have the courage & the love in my heart to confess to people who have done wrong by me. For Inspired Christian entertainment visit: http://www.leftbehindgames.com/our_products.html
ReplyDeleteThanks
RM
If you could only know...has this happened to me. Well, let's just say that I had a person who was an acquaintance (not even a friend), tell me that he had known for several months that I was the woman God wanted him to marry. He never even asked me out on a date. Or to lunch. Or for coffee. Just BAM! there--we're supposed to get married, and if you say "nuh-uh" then you're going against the will of God.
ReplyDeleteHe also, in his attempt to woo me, gave me a Fender bass guitar worth over $400. I know this seems like I'm lying. No one does this. That's what I told him.
It was, to date, the most embarrassing and awkward and terrifying day of my life.
I haven't read all the comments, just the first one by anonymous, but I don't think you were being falsely humble in this post, it's a good point and you made it funny. Sorry for the comments you get that aren't very nice, that's no fun.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes. I've had this happen to me twice. Once several years after my wedding, a girl came up to me and confessed that she harbored resent me toward me since my wedding for not putting her small children's names on the invite.
ReplyDeleteAnd just a year or so ago, a girl who attended my bible study came up to me and said,
"I just want you to know that I've judged you and talked about you behind your back. But I forgive you."
Huh?
Sandy
I think all I have to say is that best advice I got - admittedly it was in the context of "evangelism" - was "Talk to God about people before talking to people about Got." The (mostly) same applies here, I think: "Talk to God about people before talking to people to "get right with God." Like, confessions is always good when it's done to God, and USUALLY good when done with people, but sometimes, it really just makes it worse and would cause more hurt. So, it's really important to talk to God about it instead of presuming we know what His will is. The Scripture, I think, goes, "If your brother has something against you, go make it right before bringing your gift." This sort of presumes that the person KNOWS you sinned against them. It's not very noble or helpful, in my opinion, to confess jealousy, lust or greed to someone if they didn't know about it unless A) God tells you to, B) they ask you or C) it would strengthen the relationship - and you're sure about that. Otherwise, I think it's a selfish thing to do - confessing a potentially hurtful sin just so YOU can get your heart right...
ReplyDeleteThere really is a place to confess to a well-chosen third party, as in the oft-mentioned, well-hidden sins of lust. Guys -- if you have struggled with attraction to a particular woman (or more than one), find a trusted, mature, and male Christian friend and confess! Gals -- find a trusted, mature, and female Christian friend and confess! Seriously. A pastor friend of mine didn't, and the cost is very, very high.
ReplyDeleteShould I feel slightly offended that nobody has ever confessed to lusting after me?
ReplyDeleteOkay, okay, I totally did that when I was in my early 20s. There was this guy who worked with the mission group I worked with, and ALL CHIX LOVED him. I mean, ALL of them. We had our catalog of stories about girls who wanted to work with us because of him, or girls who suddenly received a calling to give their lives to ministry (with him) because of him. He wasn't around much in the country where we were based b/c he traveled a lot for his particular job, but he was one of the only 2 single young guys on the team, and I was one of the only 2 single ladies, so when he came back to work with us for a few months, some of the older peeps decided that we should probably hook up and serve Jesus together forever. They started creating awkward situations where they were attempting to make us get to know each other. Worse, the other young single lady (who generally hated me for some reason) who had worked w/ the group longer than me had a huge crush on him. So I was super self-conscious about any interaction I had with him, and resorted to junior high girl-boy behavior: I purposefully ignored him as much as possible and tried to make it super clear that I was NOT trying to hook up with him. But one Sunday, when he was visiting the church I went to, he came up all friendly-like to me and some of my friends, and I suddenly felt the need to 'confess' to him. Perhaps I was blinded by his smile and just too determined to save myself from an inevitable crush. So, trainwreck waiting to happen that I was, I said furtively, "I need to apologize to you because I've been ignoring you so that you wouldn't think I was after you." What I left out was "...like everyone else," but that would have sounded just as bad. AWKWARD!!!! The poor dazed and confused brother was like, "Uh, um. Okay, that's alright. I didn't think you were doing anything like that." (translation: "I really haven't been paying attention so I didn't notice that you were being super aware of me because I really don't see you that way.") Suffice it to say, I had a great reason to avoid him for the rest of the day. Head-slap! Head-slap!
ReplyDeleteHave you ever written about the feverish youth camp/college chapel phenom of public confession? I don't know how funny it is (cringe cringe), but now there's a real weird Christian culture situation, eh? I went to a Christian college for a year, and I remember we had this speaker during a special spiritual emphasis week (=chapel every day) who tried to start one of those microphone marathon things. Things were going as normal ("I'd like to confess my sin of pride" "I'd like to confess my unspoken sin (=doing something that would get them kicked out of the school)") when one girl got up in tears and, after a long, suspenseful preamble that freaked us all out, said, "I want to confess to you all something I've done that I can't mention [red flag!!!] but which is something you do by yourself and involves some unclean thoughts but I can't say specifically what it is, but this thing that I've been doing..." and proceeded to repeat herself in about a hundred ways...even the speaker looked like she wanted to shoot herself for ever handing out the mike in the first place. I think she actually saw the light and ended the "spontaneous" confession session soon after. Ah, Christians!!!
Hmm that's kind of makes me think of people who say things like:" Hey, I really like your new hairstyle, the old one makes your face look wider", or "Oh, I understand waht you're saying now, before I was like"What int he heck is this crazy person is babbling about?"
ReplyDeleteThey think they are doing you a favor of revealing something they thought about you, your looks, your actions,and by coming clean wtih it - it's OK, that essentially they were lying to you before. In a way. And now it's all weird between you two, because everytime that person says anything, you are saying to yourself:"What nasty things are they really thinking about me right now?"
Does that make sense?
I was an English major (creative writing at that) in college, but had a lot of engineer friends.
ReplyDeleteSophomore year, one of them told me he needed to confess his sin against me. He said he'd been judging me for 1+ years, thinking that my major was silly and pointless and probably really easy. (Note: He didn't actually contradict any of his perceptions.)
So, he apologized for judging me for being a silly writer instead of a serious engineer.
Luckily, as you know, we writers strive on feeling misunderstood by the squares, so it's been quite useful fuel in that fire. :)
It wasn’t till a viewing in college of Magnolia that I realized how intrinsically selfish a confession can be. It just about knocked me over and rewired a lot of my thinking in one blinding instant of “oh.”
ReplyDeleteI think part of the confusion of what to confess and to whom comes from the “rush” we like to feel of having “done the right thing” -- the same “rush” that is so easily confused for a sense of closeness to God. And when we base everything we know about God and our faith and ourselves and our neighbors on how we feel, we center ourselves as the entire focus of reality, and forget that love is about the other, not the self.
The key in the famous Matthew verse is “if you remember that your brother has something against you,” not “if you remember that you have something against your brother,” or “if you did something to wrong your brother that he doesn’t know about.” As other posters have noted, the emphasis is on mending existing rifts in human relationships. If one party isn’t aware of the rift, then there is no rift; and it’s hardly upright to create a rift just for the sake of mending it.
Remember the episode of The Office where Michael dug into all of the office complaints that people made in private to Toby as their HR rep, and forced everyone to own up to the awful things they said about each other? So poignantly true. In many cases it’s much more loving to do as Janet said (much more succinctly) with her two questions, and keep your peace. If you’re confessing to make yourself feel better, then you’re only in it for you.
And sure, it’s really, really uncomfortable to look at someone you love and have wronged, when they don’t know you wronged them. It should be uncomfortable. And maybe that’s part of your repentance – feeling that discomfort but loving the other person enough to prefer to live with quiet remorse than to “clear the air” and hurt the other person on top of wronging him or her in the first place, just to feel that rush of personal release you could just as easily get from bungee jumping.
That’s why confessing to a third party is a great idea. You get the burden of remorse off your chest, and hear about Christ’s forgiveness, and, on top of that, if you’re Catholic, you know that the priest won’t go telling anyone, because he isn’t allowed to. The little subcutaneous disturbance you experienced in your own soul has been dealt with, and it won’t boil up to the surface to hurt anyone else. Ever.
If guilt is so unpleasant a feeling, then we should probably learn to think about others more in the first place so that we’re less inclined to do things that later we’ll feel guilty about. (I include myself in that.)
Walking up to someone and announcing that you forgive them for something they haven’t confessed can be selfish as well, especially if it’s trivial (“Sally, I want you to know that I forgive you for taking my parking spot every week this month,” for example – Christians do passive-aggressive like no one else. “Dad, I forgive you for all the times you beat me when I was little,” on the other hand, has a great deal of merit, especially if the purpose of declaring forgiveness is to restore or increase or open a door to closeness – to strengthen the love between people, instead of feeling individually “right”).
I think the crucial concept is mutuality – the whole point of relationship. It’s not about me or my growth or how I feel; it’s about the body of Christ living and working and breathing in love together and learning how to be like Jesus – really like Jesus – and expanding that love, that keen, others-focused, unconditional love, to a world that’s starving for it.
Probably should have said "our" more than "your" -- particularly with regard to living with quiet remorse rather than hurt the other person by telling them something it would do them no good to know. I lived, and am living, with that one.
ReplyDelete