I'm having a hard time believing that summer is almost over. I feel like I blinked in May and woke up in August, which wouldn't be so bad if I stilled lived in Massachusetts. Up north, school starts around or after Labor Day, but in Georgia schools start in the middle of August.
That means, we've got one last week to summer like we've never summered before. And that's what I plan on doing. For the next week, Stuff Christians Like is going to be summertastic. I'm going to bring back summer favorites with essays rambling through topics like VBS, camp and mission trips. We'll end the week with a post that more than a dozen of you wrote and then a book giveaway on Saturday.
In the meantime I'm going to use this week to teach my daughter L.E. everything she needs to know about starting kindergarten. A boy in preschool asked her last year if she would kiss him, so most of my wisdom is going to involve judo and possibly windmill punching techniques.
Fresh stuff will return this Friday, in the meantime, let the farewell to summer commence,
Jon
#384. Mission Trip Leader Fanny Pack Syndrome
Something happens to mission trip leaders about a month before they go on a trip. It's subtle at first, most of them won't even notice it before it's too late. But it's there, quietly lurking, waiting for just the right moment to strike. I am of course talking about Mission Trip Leader Fanny Pack Syndrome or MTLFPS. That strange phenomenon that overtakes people who have spent their entire lives as productive, healthy, non-fanny pack wearing members of society. That odd desire to fasten a small piece of luggage to your waist. It's a problem, and one that few people are willing to talk about.
But after careful consideration and some quiet time, I decided to come forward. To address this growing concern and invite you to take a look at the journal of someone about to fall prey to Mission Trip Leader Fanny Pack Syndrome.
5 weeks before the trip, a leader journals:
"I can't believe that elder suggested I get a fanny pack. That's crazy. I'm not a fanny pack kind of guy. I'd never wear one. Seinfeld was right when he said, "it looks like your belt is digesting a small animal."
4 weeks before the trip:
"I have so much stuff to keep track of. My passport, my money, emergency contact numbers, a bus pass, keys to the rooms where we're staying. I wish there was an easy way to carry it all. Some sort of bag, maybe a satchel. I'm not getting a fanny pack though."
3 weeks before the trip:
"I need to make sure I don't get my money stolen when we're downtown on the trip. It's probably statistically safer than my own city, but I still want to be careful. A backpack won't work because someone could just stand behind me emptying it without me even knowing and I don't want to be that guy that wears it on the front of his belly like he's pregnant. I wish there was another way to strap valuables on to me somehow."
2 weeks before the trip:
"During my lunch break today, I went to the mall without telling anyone. I tried on a few fanny packs. And actually, they're not even called that these days. They're called 'hip bags.' I like that, it sounds, well 'hip.'"
1 week before the trip:
"If you think about it, Batman kind of wore a fanny pack. I mean he might have called it a "utility pack," but it was really a fanny pack. What am I saying? I'm better than Batman? I'm too good to wear a fanny pack? I'm too cool to wear a hip bag?"
2 days before the trip:
"I heart hip bags!! There are so many pockets and zippers and compartments. And Velcro and snaps and buttons and I am in 'waist pack heaven!' I know the kids will tease me on the trip, but what do they know? With their hip hop and their twitter. This is cool. They're wrong. I will never remove this hip bag from my body. I am in love!"
It all seems like a joke at first until you notice that your mission trip leader is still wearing that fanny pack a few months after the trip. And he has a name for it like "Roger." And he fills its plethora of pockets with things he doesn't need instant, constant access to like dental floss. The only thing you can do at that point is to gather the people that love him, get a pair of scissors to cut it off his waist and have a fanny pack intervention.
Stay alert, only you can prevent MTLFPS.
And fess up, have you ever worn a fanny pack?
(I did in junior high but it was like a mini fanny pack for your wrist and it was made by Hobie, and I was wicked cool.)
P.S. Thanks for the fun idea Jan.
Nope....never worn one....wanted one but was too cheap to buy it when I needed it. Now,However I do keep our Garmin in one I got from somewhere. (Garmin stays IN the trunk not on my body until needed; just thought I'd better clear that one up :)
ReplyDeleteIn Australia we have the same syndrome, except it's known as Bum Bag Syndrome.
ReplyDeletewas forced to get one for my first mission trip kept falling of in the end got a small shoulder bag and kept it under my Tshirt/ belt, just keep small change in your pocket where its handy as thats what you need most of the time and doesnt matter so much.
ReplyDeleteI have said something like this before but I will never wear a fanny pack. My MIL uses one as a purse all the time. I have never seen her not do this.
ReplyDeleteI will also say, and I think have said before, that Batman does use a utility belt that has everything in it. That has the holding advantages of a fanny pack with the frigintasticalness of crime fighting superhero prowess. If I ever start getting an fever that can only be cured with more cow bell, um I mean fanny pack then I'm going to have to rig myself up an utility belt out of duct tape or something.
Nick -
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the awesomeness of the utility belt. I just think there's a mighty fine line between "cool crime fighting utility belt" and "whoa I'm wearing a fanny pack."
Jon
Yes, I've worn a fanny pack during a garage sale to keep my money close to me. They should be called belly packs though, or a hip pack. It was no where near my fanny.
ReplyDeleteYep never wore one and have sworn I never will. That along with appliqued sweatshirts. Pretty sure my daughters will make sure it doesn't happen
ReplyDeleteI like the Aussie term: Bum Bag....
ReplyDeleteand yeah, when I take an entire class of 9th graders to Six Flags, I use one to keep up with all the stuff needed to keep up with them!!
Jon, you know you walk the streets of ATL with a pack.
ReplyDeleteHadn't read this before -- hilarious :) Loved the fanny pack intervention line :) And yes, I've worn a fanny pack multiple times :)
ReplyDeleteMy mom made me get one for my missions trip and I was the only person wearing one and I felt really stupid so when I got to my destination I threw it away. My mom was mad when she found out I threw it out.
ReplyDeleteDude, a waist pack (as I prefer to call them, both because I do not wear them anywhere near my fanny and because "fanny pack" sounds absolutely...well...you fill in whatever non-masculine description you want) is an extremely useful and functional necessity when traveling overseas. Yes, I've worn them. I'm not ashamed to say so. I even wear mine occasionally here in the States as my camera bag (ONLY!).
ReplyDeleteOverseas, it is the safest place to keep my money, passport, camera and basic first aid kit. I keep the pouch in the front where I can keep one protective hand on it at all times, thus foiling would-be thieves - ain't nobody gettin' anywhere close to that part of my body without me being acutely aware of it and automatically reacting defensively (except, of course, armed thieves, then it doesn't matter). This also keeps everything easily accessible.
Don't knock it, man! Waist packs rule! (when used appropriately and not worn on the fanny!)
My oldest starts kindergarten in a week, too! Poor kid, I feel like I need to tell her 897 things this week and make her last week of pure freedom count...
ReplyDeletePrayers for L.E., you and your wife!
In England we call them bum bags. This is because in England the word 'bum' means your bottom/rear end, not like in America where it means a tramp.
ReplyDeletethanks for throwing in that 'wicked' at the end there. i'm from new england and say it all the time, but they still laugh at me over here in seattle. they're like, "you're sooooo east coast!" and i'm like, "yeah, i am!"
ReplyDeleteAs kids myself and my siblings had several "belt packs" in various colors. I don't really remember wearing them though except maybe just while playing around the house. I also had a few of those mini wrist kind.
ReplyDeleteMy mom had (and still has) a giant fanny (belt) pack that she always brought on trips, especially to amusement parks. We were smart enough not to tease her for it though because we knew at some point we would want her to carry our stuff.
Liz - my friend always wears one to the amusement park, except there isn't a child insight. She just doesn't have pocket big enough for the SPF 60 that she reapplies every hour.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I work in an office with mostly late 20something guys. We do have one late 60's manager who wears one every day.
I know my grandmother always wanted me to wear one, but grandmotherly lectures don't top teen fashion horror.
Myoide - the exclamation when someone realized that a fanny pack can be pick pocketed.
The summer before I spent a semester traveling in Europe, the 84-year-old woman I worked with slipped me "the best way to carry things when you travel." I was actually expecting a fanny pack, but it turned out to be a very small, nearly-lingerei-looking teeny tiny snap pocket, one assumes to keep change or money in under one's clothing. I was too embarrassed to ask where exactly under ones' clothing I should keep said teeny pocket, and I wasn't sure exactly what I should keep in it, either. Change so that I jungle at every step but cannot reach the change when needed without sticking appendages in uncomfortable-looking places? Wads of money that breaks the snap and falls down a pant-leg, never to be seen again? Though I didn't wear a fanny pack, I can see the usefull ness....
ReplyDeletewv: fulfu. verb of unknown meaning, usually used in British non-speak, i.e., the process of makign up words to mean unknown objects.
I don't wear fanny packs--I believe in clothes with lots of pockets, preferrable zippered pockets. I love those camping shorts with seven different pockets all over the shorts. I like wearing bike shirts with the pockets in the back even when I am jogging because they hold the cell phone (in case I get attacked by a mugger), Ipod-like device, and keys, so I am free to hold my water bottle. My family and I went hiking a week ago. I left my purse at home, and put all of ID and money in a little wallet and stuffed it along with keys and my cell phone (in case a mugger attacked me--just kidding, my kids and husband were around and there was no cell phone coverage on the trail). Plus, I had an added geek factor: a camelback water system. I was totally hands free!
ReplyDeleteWe call them pouches in my family, and the pouch part was worn in the front of the body. My mom made me wear one when I was in sixth grade; I HATED it! The next year she bought me my first purse.
ReplyDeleteWe had a fanny pack that came with our Nintendo Game Boy. It even matched--grey with bright pink trim. I loved it and wore it whenever I could convince my brother to take it off.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is really old, and a former skater, so anytime I mention the ridiculousness of the fanny pack, he has to tell me how the original hip pack was used by the military, and skaters started picking them up at surplus stores and using them to keep their money and cigarettes from getting stolen during skate sessions.
ReplyDeleteThey were originally khaki and camo colored, and were, supposedly uber cool (because anything skaters did was uber cool). Then 80s pop culture got hold of them, turned them fluorescent colors, marketed them to moms and tourists, and it was all downhill from there. I think he'd like to bring back the glory days of the hip pack, but I don't think there's any way to rid them of their association with extreme uncoolness.
And seriously, US citizens... do NOT wear them overseas. Please, I implore you! You are only adding ammo to the disdain for all things American. Find out what type of bag is used by the natives of the country you're visiting, and use that. That way you won't stick out so much and attract unwanted attention, and I won't have to hear stories about how crazy "my people" are from friends around the world.
The really funny thing is that fanny means something quite different in UK and NZ type countries. It refers to um a girl's front bottom and is not something you talk about in polite company. It has taken me a long, long time to get used to Americans calling them fanny packs (and talking about them in church and stuff). I still blush I think.
ReplyDeleteTotally got a "Little Mermaid" fanny pack when my grandparents took me to Disneyland when I was in 1st grade. It was AWESOME.
ReplyDeleteI've used a fanny pack before. Still do occasionally. No, I'm not a Missions Trip leader and I'm still awesome in spite of the fact that I use one sometimes. :o)
ReplyDeleteA "Fanny Pack" in New Zealand is something you pack a fanny with. Since fanny means vagina... well, you get the idea.
ReplyDeleteYep. For one week. Believe it or not... youth group trip in high school.
ReplyDeleteWe call it a "bum bag" or a "belt bag"; and yes, I believe there may have been a time in the nineties that I would have worn one. Once. For a minute or two. >.>
ReplyDeleteFunniest blog I've read in months...please keep it up!
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to cause jealousy but I had and wore a leather one! It had 19 zippers and I bought it at a flea market! I thought someone had broken into my fanny pack and stole my money but it turns out I just lost my money in one of the many awesome hidden zippers!
ReplyDeleteWhat?!!! Fanny pack's aren't hot?
ReplyDeleteI must admit that I am a fan of the pack o' fanny. I am such a fan that I spent several summers wearing them for work and encouraged -- nay, required (as I was a supervisor) my employees to wear them. In fact, I even included a session in my employee orientation called "Learning to Love Your Fanny Pack." When you are in charge of a large group of children with disabilities you take any small graces you can get -- this, for me, included my fanny pack.
ReplyDeleteIt's all about the utility vest. Man, that's the way to go. You have a very light one so you don't get heatstroke. That, and you'll look like SWAT. And nobody messes with SWAT.
ReplyDeleteI did the fanny pack as a kid, but never since I actually started getting a fashion sense around the age of 14. I have, however, work a utility belt before at work (as an A/V tech). At it's height, it included a water bottle, C-wrench, multitool, headlamp, screwdriver, gloves, pens, a sharpie, and a loop for e-tape.
I still have parts of that belt around - but I put it on only when I know I'm going to need it.
Scott E Vest is the way to go for new gen missions leaders. All of the pockets you will ever need but they are all inside of the jacket and hidden. It doubles as an extra carry on for me!
ReplyDelete