#589. Judging people that watch television.

I don't have any scientific proof of this but I think my kids punkitude goes up the longer they watch television. It's difficult to measure but it seems like on the days when for whatever reason they watch more than their usual 30 minutes of television, they start getting a little fresh. And I don’t mean "phresh" which usually involves breakdancing and is completing acceptable at the Acuff house. I mean short tempered, a little grumpy, and 12% more belligerent than normal.

On days like that, my wife and I sometimes talk about getting rid of cable or maybe even television all together. But if we do, although there will be benefits, I'm also afraid that one of the consequences will be that I start to judge other people that watch television. In addition to becoming one of those people who brags about not owning a television, I might actively and aggressively judge you for watching what I'll probably start calling "the boob tube."

If that happens, I want you to be aware of the hurricane of condescension you can probably expect from me. In fact, we should go ahead and use the hurricane rating system to measure my levels of judgment. (You probably know it as the Saffir-Simpson hurricane scale because who doesn't call it that?) Let’s break down the oncoming television-flavored judgment I will probably release on the world if I ever give up my TV.

The Stuff Christians Like Hurricane of Judgment Rating System

Category 1:
You don't own a television but you still watch shows online.
Speed of my judgment:
74-95 MPH. This is the slowest my judgment is going to move in part because when you told me you didn’t own a television I paused my hurricane like judgment down to a crawl. Until I found out you watch Hulu and Lost on ABC.com. Then I sped it back up.
Damage:
There won’t be any serious structural damage to our friendship in part because I secretly believe that you’re almost in the “no television” camp like me. I feel like you’ve already made the hardest leap, getting rid of your television and perhaps I can give you that final shove.

Category 2:
You own a television.
Speed of my judgment:
96-110 MPH. We’re picking up some speed here. I saw your television when I came over. It’s right there in your television cabinet in your living room. You have a piece of furniture dedicated to it, a throne if you will. I can feel the winds of judgment whooshing a little faster as we speak.
Damage:
No permanent destruction will be done to our relationship but I’m not going to lie, we’re probably going to lose the equivalent of some roofing shingles during our conversations. You’ll ask me if I saw what happened last night on 24 and then I will get a really horrible look on my face and say “No, I haven’t watched that show since the first season, I was probably reading a book last night. Hard cover. Literature.” Just be glad I didn’t say I was reading the Bible. I haven’t brought God’s desire to leg drop you for watching television yet into the conversation. But that’s coming in Category 3.

Category 3:
You own a television and have cable.
Speed of my judgment:
111-130 MPH. The range of this speed depends largely if I see a satellite dish on your roof when we come over for dinner. If I do, get ready for 130 MPH. If you’ve got your secret doorway to 800 channels of nonsense more discreetly hidden, expect 111 MPH.
Damage:
At this point, mobile friendships are going to get annihilated. Casual friendships that were built on our ability to discuss shows that I am no longer watching or sporting events that everyone in the country but me saw are going to fall apart. I’m now the guy that during the Olympics didn’t know who Michael Phelps was because they weren’t broadcasting his races in the books I was reading.

Category 4:
You own a television and have cable and a TiVo.
Speed of my judgment:
131-155 MPH. Fast, the judgment is getting fast at this point, especially if I hear that telltale TiVo “bong” that chirps an alert when your TiVo is too full to record other shows. You’ve filled a TiVo, good sir. For shame, for shame.
Damage:
Although I admire your desire to break free of television scheduling with a digital video recorder, to essentially tell your television, “No longer will I be enslaved to the whimsy of live programming,” I can’t support your desire to buy an additional device to get better at watching television. You’ve moved into “television accessory” territory and I will now expect you to subscribe to TV Guide and perhaps eat your meals in front of the soul sucking glow of that piece of modern machinery.

Category 5:
You own a television and have cable and a TiVo …in your bedroom.
Speed of my judgment:
Greater than 155 MPH. We’re off the chart at this point. The judgment is so fast it can’t be measured.
Damage:
Great, now, in addition to judging you for owning a television, with cable, in your bedroom, I have to start giving you marriage advice. Like the person that once told me that if I got rid of the television in my bedroom I would instantly experience a dramatic change in my marriage, I have to start equating poor marital communication, intimacy and overall lack of awesomeness with that flat screen you’re practically spooning in your bedroom. This is embarrassing for both of us.

Those categories might feel a little extreme, but television makes people do crazy things. A friend of mine once got so mad at the amount of television that was being watched in his house that he threw the TV outside. Off a porch. In the winter. Into a pile of snow.

I don’t know if it will ever come to that for me and my family, but if it does, please refer to the chart above for your own safety. I’m probably going to get pretty judgy on you.

Question: What’s your opinion about television?