We're supposed to forgive people.
That's in the Bible somewhere. I know it is. I mean Jesus says at one point that you should forgive people 7 times 70. As a writer I'm not the greatest at math but even I know that calculates out to about 2,900 times. And forgiving people is great, but sometimes it's funny too. Particularly when we let people know that we've forgiven them even though they haven't apologized or asked us to.
Me:
"Hey, can we talk for a minute? I know things have been kind of awkward between us lately and our friendship is strained a little, but I want to be honest with you today. I want you to know that I forgive you."
Friend:
"Forgive me? For what?"
Me:
"I'd rather not go into the details and reopen the wound, but that thing you did to me a few weeks ago. I forgive you for that. It's important to me that you know I have erased that debt in my heart."
Friend:
"I have no idea what you're talking about. Did I do something?"
Me:
"I'm a Christian and I'm called to forgive people and love my enemies. So even though it still stings a little, I want you to know we're cool now."
Friend:
"Wait a second, we're enemies? Whoa. When did that happen?"
Me:
"Stop, just stop. Just know that I forgive you. Someday maybe you'll understand. Come here, let's hug it out."
Friend:
"Don't touch me."
Me:
"I forgive that too. You can keep pushing me away, but I'm just going to keep loving on you."
Friend:
"You know that's not really a verb."
Me:
"Just let me pour out my forgiveness and put a hedge of protection around our friendship.
Friend:
"You are so weird."
Me:
"And you are so forgiven."
That's probably never happened to you, but I've been on the receiving end of that before. And it's a baffling, confusing, eventually humorous experience. But make no mistake, it's not forgiveness, it's soft revenge. And rarely do you feel "loved on" in that moment.
Has someone ever forgiven you for something you didn't apologize for?
Have you ever done that to someone? (It's OK if you have. I forgive you.)
I think its valid to forgive someone that hasn't apologized, but going up and telling them, is exactly as you say, soft revenge, under the guise of being Christian. But I do find myself considering doing it on occasion, but realized the lameness of it before hand. I think you should do a whole post (if you havent already, I've read every post, but my memory is fuzzy) on how we Christians love to find loopholes in our faith, and use our faith as an excuse to be a jerk.
ReplyDeleteIn the example you give, the person doing the "forgiving" is not really following the Bible. If you wrong someone, that person should be willing to tell you the wrong if you ask him (Matthew 18:15-17).
ReplyDeleteThere are two examples or instructions about when to forgive someone, given by Jesus Christ. One is, we should forgive those who claim to repent (Luke 17:3-4). In this example, Christ says, "rebuke him." In the example you gave, the person doing the "forgiving" never rebuked the one whom he claimed wronged him. The other example is that we forgive someone who has wronged us but didn't realize what he was doing (Luke 23:34). Jesus asked God to forgive those who were killing Him because they didn't realize that He was the Son of God.
In the example you give, the person doing the "forgiving" may be self-righteous and in a subtle way trying to appear righteous while trying to make the other person seem guilty. But if it were really done from a motive of Christian love, the person would follow the Bible and let the other person know what he had done wrong. But he doesn't want to do that because he figures it would start an argument. In that case, it would be better for the forgiver to just not mention it.
True Story:
ReplyDeleteI had a friend tell me "I forgive you and so does God."
Me: "But I didn't do anything wrong..."
Him: That's ok, we will talk about it when we are both ready to deal with it.
Me: What is this about??
I've been on the other side of this situation. That is, I've asked for forgiveness from someone I felt I had wronged only to have them tell me they don't recall the incident.
ReplyDeleteHow about the flip side of this: Confessing to have sinned against someone who never even knew about it, and who is now uncomfortable for having known it...
ReplyDeleteGuy: I have a confession to make, oh female best friend of mine.
Girl: what is it?
Guy: I have sinned against you?
Girl: Really? I never even noticed.
Guy: No, really I did. And I want to get right with you and God about it.
Girl: But you're already right with me.
Guy: No, no, I'm not. You see, I have lusted in my heart for you.
Girl: uhhmm... ewww?
Guy: Really, I lusted deeply, heavily, and thouroughly. In my heart. For you.
Girl: oh. That's ducky.
Guy: I'm so glad that we've cleared the air. Aren't we so much closer now that we've cleared the air?
Wow...christians can be so weird sometimes. I always viewed this whole thing as "forgive them in your heart even if they don't ask". I think if someone did that I'd respond with "You're a jerk" and walk away. At least that way I'd know what they were forgiving me for next time...
ReplyDeleteActually 7 times 70 calculates to 490. (Leave it to an engineer...)
ReplyDeleteWhich means on number 491? Pull the forgiveness out from under them like you're pulling a tablecloth off of a dish covered table.
(Totally joking on that. We should totally forgive more like 2900 times Jon mentioned, if not more like 2900 kabillion).
I had a friend forgive me once for making him upset-by not responding to a fight he wanted to have! Crazy days. It went a little something like this:
ReplyDeleteFriend: I forgive you for not wanting to walk through our differences.
Me: You mean, walking away from a fight?
Friend: I really need to forgive you, otherwise neither one of us will be able to really worship.
He always does that. Forgive, or take away worship privelages.
@ Bittersweet Fountain, you beat me to it, I was going to say it's 490. I know I've had to ask forgiveness from God way more than 490 times.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad for people who take the Bible completely literally. "Um, let's see, I've asked for forgiveness 8 times. So let's see, uh, that leaves me with 482 more times. I'm good for awhile."
@Raven - LOL, forgive or take away worship privileges. I like how your friend thinks those are the only two options.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend that thinks I'll forgive him if he gives me enough Hallmark cards. Because we all know Jesus commanded us to give Hallmark cards out as a sign of apologies.
@Nicodemus-Wait, you mean, Hallmark cards won't make it better? Crud!
ReplyDeleteSometimes forgiveness should be only an act of the heart- not always including the mouth.
ReplyDeleteSomeone: Know that thing you did?
ReplyDeleteMe: Which thing? I lost track.
Someone: That crappy thing.
Me: Which one?
Someone: You know what I mean.
Me: Actually, there have been several things I've done. I was just waiting for you to notice. Good for you.
Someone: I forgive you.
Me: Thanks, but mostly I just wanted you to quit trying to rope me into Amway.
"Hedge of protection" - That cracks me up every time I hear it because nobody says that outside of the church. I can just imagine a group of soldiers going in on a covert operation and the commanding officer says "You and you...through that door. The rest of you build a hedge of protection."
ReplyDeleteI know someone who did that. Person A wrote out a 5 page letter explaining all the things Person B had done and how mad they were and oh yeah, I forgive you for it so I can feel better. So Person B writes back a 3 page letter explaining that they didn't realize they were hurting Person A and apologizing. So now Person A is mad again.
ReplyDeletefunny. i wonder though, should n't we deal with our hurts. of course not in the awkward way described but if someone has hurt us, should we not confront, talk about it and forgive them? even if they do not apologize? we may be letting them inon something they don't even realise they are doing that is harming others.
ReplyDeleteI also love the phrase "hedge of protection." I once heard a comic do an extended riff on it. Now every time I hear the phrase I think of God's shrubbery.
ReplyDeleteMy MIL...on her deathbed...reaches for my hand, pulls me close and says..."I just want you to know...I forgive you...for ALL OF IT. I love you."
ReplyDeleteMe "uh...thank you...?"
I had no idea.
I can't blog about this, but I really, really want to.
@ Brian. I think we should talk about our hurts but it should sound more like "Something happened the other day that has been bothering me and I was hoping we could talk about it" instead of "You did this and this and this and I forgive you even though you are a horrible person and won't ask for my forgiveness". I think it's the "soft revenge" idea that's being hit on here, not the idea of never talking about hurts when they happen.
ReplyDeleteFrom the math teacher turned writer, Jon and engineer, 70 x 7 is neither 2900 or 490. It is a metaphor. I am hoping that I don't have to turn into homeschool mom on you to actually explain the metaphor. I mean, how could anyone mess up the story like that? *fuming quietly*
ReplyDeleteOh wait, I can't be mad at you. I forgive you both. You know.
WV: heernica-instrument played by the Hear ye, Hear ye, I forgive ye person
Me: Man, Jon sure plays a mean heernica.
You: Yea, but I wish he would play it somewhere else for awhile. He gave me an ear hernia.
Okay, that was really only funny in my mind. And I might be a bit warped having two teen boys at home.
And after I did that nonsensical WV explanation on top of a teacher post about metaphors, the WV this time is...really, you won't believe it. I may as well not tell you. You'll think I'm making it up.
ReplyDeleteOh, alright. It's metaglor. Satisfied? Metaglor-a metaphor Jesus used in one of the Gospels
I think the really subtle deception in "forgiving" somebody like this is that we get to skip the part where we admit we were actually hurt by someone.
ReplyDeleteThe most dangerous part of seeking reconciliation as a Christian can often be admitting your own vulnerability and confessing (in a sense) to somebody that they have the power to hurt us, but this is a necessary step if true reconciliation is to happen.
I don't know if I have been forgiven for something I didn't apologize for. I'm sure I have forgiven others when they didn't apologize but I'm not sure if I have told them about it unless they later apologize and I get to play the uber holy card "don't worry about it I have already forgiven you."
ReplyDeleteNow I can tell you all about fake apologies. My MIL and I got into it and I did some childish things but I needed to blow off some steam and everyone else thinks it's funny but she has no sense of humor and really doesn't like me so it made things much worse and I knew it would but what ever she doesn't like me and this is like the longest run on sentence so I'm gonna have to put a period in her somewhere and this might as well be it.
Anyways, a while later she come up to me and says, "Sorry." Literally one word no admission of what she did wrong or even that she is the one that is sorry. Of course I was magnanimous despite the lack of proper flagellation for her crimes against me (that's the one that means self abuse not gas right?) and said, "I forgive you."
Awkward silence.
"Now you are suppose to apologize to me."
"Oh, I'm sorry?"
"No you need to tell me what you are sorry for," she then goes on to list all the things I am sorry for to which I respond "sorry" at appropriate pauses. I assume the were appropriate pauses because that's the part I stopped listening.
Jon - That was good. Really good. I'm pretty tough skinned. I'm not easily insulted. You have to actually make a concerted effort to offend me. Sometimes I project that on others and I wonder sometimes if there are folks out there who are waiting for an apology from me. It's something I'm really working on, because I would never intentionally hurt someone. But sometimes my spiritual gift of sarcasm goes a bit too far.
ReplyDeleteYep. I've done this in the past and you are dead on. It's revenge to make yourself look good. Thankfully, this was pointed out to me and I strive not to do it under any circumstances.
ReplyDeleteSigh...I've done this before. Fortunately mostly in my head and rarely out loud...
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, guilty. I even did it by letter. And I was ending the friendship at the same time, so, looking back, it probably read something like, here's a list of the horrible things you've done, whatever, I don't hate you for it, but I don't ever want to see you again.
ReplyDeleteAwesome.
I think I've been on the giving and receiving end of a variation of that, where I'm apologizing, but really it's your fault, but I want you to know that I realize my culpability, even though you should know that you are at fault here.
ReplyDelete"Hedge of protection"
ReplyDeleteI haven't noticed how lame this term is in today's context until you used it today.
Seems we Christian warriors could ask for more these days.
A Batcave of protection, perhaps.
I'd even settle for a pack of wild squirrels of protection, but a hedge?
Demons shudder, gardeners grow confident.
Thanks, Prodigal One.
I once asked for forgiveness of a friend and also offered forgiveness to that friend in an email because she would no longer talk to me. She then responded by telling me that she would not forgive me for what I had done and also said that she was not wrong in what she did. We're still not talking.
ReplyDelete@ TJ Turner: You perfectly captured the difficulty some face in "admitting your own vulnerability and confessing (in a sense) to somebody that they have the power to hurt us..."
ReplyDeleteThis is something I've been personally struggling with, not wanting someone to know they have the power to hurt me. But I didn't know that was the source of my inner conflict until I read your words. Thank you for expressing what I could not.
Yeah, this happened to me, only worse because it was a letter, and the person said she forgave me but we couldn't be friends anymore.
ReplyDeleteI didn't even know she was mad at me to begin with. Sigh.
when they adamantly believe they've done nothing wrong that would warrant forgiveness, how likely are they to welcome it with open arms? ::frustrating::
ReplyDelete@Monique and TJTurner:
ReplyDeleteWOW. I have been struggling with the same thing, having these feelings of resentment against someone without understanding why... now I know... still don't know what to do about it... but at least now I have a start.
WV: feardup- the state of being afraid to confess that someone else has the power to offend you.
I want to tell Lindsay that when she leaves me out of things it hurts my feelings but I'm too feardup!!!
All's I know is that I want a briar patch of protection.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, only in marriage have I discovered how important the quiet, constant forgiveness really is... for both parties!
Oh, this is soooo true...and every time it has happened to me, it's made me feel awful. I wish they had just kept their forgiveness to themselves!
ReplyDeleteThis post is hilarious and made the problem with our current understanding of forgiveness clear. We may not all tell the person we forgive them like this, but many of us believe that we can forgive before someone apologizes. The truth is, we're called to forgive like God forgives us which means we should forgive when there is repentance in order to be reconciled to the person who wronged us. God calls us to always be willing to forgive and to offer forgiveness, but not to forgive unconditionally or without reconciliation. I highly recommend Unpacking Forgiveness by Chris Brauns since it explains what I'm trying to say much much better.
ReplyDeleteI think its funny how some people thought Jons "2900" was serious....just throwing that out there. Haha
ReplyDeletedude...up here in minnesota we do that all the time! it's called being Minnesota Nice...or passive aggressive emotional torture...but it usually goes like this, "No, it's okay that you let your little 5 year old boy ransack my house while you desperately try to stay mentally involved with our Bible study, but ultimately failing and showing that your parenting skills aren't as good as mine and your boy will probably be in prison or dead by the time he's 16...i forgive you!" see? it makes everything seem nice, but really causes the person to feel inadequate which ultimately leads to a mental breakdown.
ReplyDeleteWV: Unpro
Definition: a)Being fired, ex. Mike Shanahan.
b)Engaging in acts that should get you fired, ex. Mark Sanford.
c)A combination of the two, ex. Bernie Madoff, et al.
Of course you post this when I'm getting killed by people who won't tell me what I've actually done, just vague notions of being 'unbiblical' and then arguing semantics. GRRRRRRRRR!
ReplyDeleteJohn, I forgive you for challenging my unforgiving heart without my permission, you jerk.
Great post, as always.
I've apologized for stuff I haven't done...but that's a long story.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, this tends to be a result of a combination of #570: Getting disappointed when you don't have a life-changing experience on a retreat and the "emotional worshipers" who were mentioned in the comments of #564: The 11 people every youth group needs. (As commented by Anonymous: Let's not forget the "emotional worshipper(s)", seen most at church camp or youth retreats when mom, dad and school classmates are most distant and unable to observe the transformation into super-spiritual mode. seen arguing with siblings and parents ten minutes after getting off the church camp bus. often come as packs of girls in the front row.)
ReplyDeleteDeadly combination, leading to all kinds of public, group-sharing-time forgiveness of ex-boyfriends and former crushes.
Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything.
One of the best I have heard was advice from a friend to tell someone else, "I don't need your participation to forgive you."
ReplyDeleteWhat about when someone offers their forgiveness to you for something you didn't recognize because you weren't even offended by it, and then they pause... waiting for you to forgive them back...
ReplyDeleteI always remember when in the late 90's someone asked Billy Graham if he forgave Bill Clinton for adultery. Billy Graham responded by saying something to the effect of "I don't think he ever asked for my forgiveness."
ReplyDeleteOooooooh yeah. It really is a "soft revenge", heap burning coals on me any day over this one.
ReplyDeleteOn a serious note, this kind of behavior seems to point out how little we as the church understand reconciliation. Sometimes these people really do desire to make relationships right, but they've never had the "how" modeled for them. And so, WHAM! "I forgive you" followed by the confused look of the offender.
On the opposite end, I had a church friend drift off for no apparent reason, begin avoiding me, and finally spoke only formalities to me for months after we'd been very close. When I finally managed to ask her if I'd done anything to offend her, she set her jaw and said, "Well, yeah, actually, a few months ago." "Really? Wow, I didn't know, what did I do?" "Well... it's been a while and I forget now but I remember that it really hurt."
I think I stammered out, "Well, I'm sorry for offending you...?" Talk about walking on eggshells because she couldn't figure out how I had offended her to begin with.
As a side note, that happened in junior high. ;-) Too bad it still happens when we're adults, aye?
Hi. Kate here, long time reader, first time poster.
ReplyDeleteI've been part of Celebrate Recovery for a while now and one of the steps I've struggled with is "offering forgiveness to those who have hurt us." To many that means going to the offender and actually verbalizing the forgiveness. But I think you rob the person of coming to the realization they need forgiveness when you do that. Maybe that person knows the totally screwed you over and maybe not. But when you extend un-asked-for forgiveness to another you take away from them the journey of learning they need forgiving.
For me, I've done a lot of forgiving others, daily working on my resentment in my heart until I've come to the point where I can openly pray for God to deeply and richly bless their life. Then I know my heart will be ready when they come and ask for forgiveness ... and if they never do? I've done the hard part for me already.
As to the person who mentioned confessing that you've sinned against another person to that other person. Confession is AWESOME, but that's why there's counselors and sponsors.
I forgive you for multiplying incorrectly.
ReplyDeleteCan my hedge of protection be the one in Sleeping Beauty? You know, the one with the thorns and the roses and a big dragon?? Only, without the witch. She scares me.
ReplyDeleteMaybe instead of saying randomly "I forgive you" we should be saying "I was hurt/offended/____ when you _____". But no, that actually works on the PROBLEM and doesn't seek to make the other person feel belittled or guilty for something they don't know happened.
This was a tough week for me because of a particularly heartless and offensive comment that was so shocking that I honestly did not know what to say. Of course, the other person involved felt she was sharing the wisdom of God with me. I have forgiven her, but I have come up with a new, rather unique response if this should happen again, because it happens so darn frequently at church: "Get behind me, Satan."
ReplyDeleteI was in church this week and heard the phrase "love on" about 80 times....as in "They need us to love on them" or "she just loved on him." I think this deserves a post. Christians definitely like this phrase. ALOT.
ReplyDeleteI did that today! I add even more guilt-spice to the stew by apologizing for whatever has caused them to do what they did, then forgiving them.
ReplyDeleteA close cousin to forgiving people who didn't apologize is asking forgiveness for something akin to a kick in the head.
ReplyDelete"I have to ask your forgiveness. I have judged you and gossiped about you. Last week I told Bob that you were a skank. I'm so sorry, I was just being judgmental about that time you wore the halter top to church. I hope you will forgive me. I have no right to pass judgment on you, no matter what you wear."
it's like you tape recorded my act of 'forgiving' a friend a few years back. Thank God God doesn't 'forgive' us like that. LOL
ReplyDeleteForgiving people isn't easy and though I think it SHOULD be, cause I'm a Christian and all...I read an article where it said, "forgive that person for today" and then tomorrow do it again. Sounds like the "brother" that forgave you needs to seriously ask for some forgiveness!
ReplyDeleteI so deeply appreciate your humor thread through the truth of Christians acting like fools!
"Instead, 'If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.'" -Romans 12:20
ReplyDeleteDo you think this is forgiving with a vengeful heart...? -alex
Nick the Geek:
ReplyDelete"...I'm gonna have to put a period in her somewhere and this might as well be it." Awesome typo. If only it was that simple to put a full stop to the MIL dramas!
This frustrates me when people do this. When I have told people I forgive them, I have also told them what for.
ReplyDeletethe last line is my favorite!! ; )
ReplyDelete@Sean G.--Your email situation sounds so much like what happened between me and my now-former best friend several years ago, except she did say she forgave me (in a slightly patronizing, holier-than-thou way) while laying every single shred of blame for what happened, including choices she made that contributed to the end of our relationship. I apologized repeatedly for what I'd done but she never once apologized for any hurt she'd done to me, intentional or otherwise. Passive-aggressive and a victim mentality. 'nuf said, no? She eventually refused to have any contact with me at all so there's never been any closure, at least for me, and that has made forgiving, letting go, and moving on difficult, but that's what God wants us to do. He leads, I (try to) follow. ;)
ReplyDeleteWhat's with the letter thing? I have also been on the receiving end of a letter which told me all the "horrible" things I had done (unbeknownst to me) and that I was forgiven. But oh yeah, the friendship is over.
ReplyDeleteAnd when I tried to respond personally with an apology and some sort of explanation that I had no idea I had hurt her, the hand went up.
I don't think that comes close to fitting in the meaning of forgiveness.
Have I forgiven her? I hope so. But I don't feel the need to approach her and tell her. It would just made things worse. I still remember the incident, and it still stings. The pain comes from a lost friendship as the result of a misunderstanding and the fact that I couldn't "fix" it.
We must check our motives when offering forgiveness or even confronting someone when we think they've wronged us. Was the person being intentional or malicious in their actions? Was it just something done in the heat of the moment? Is the relationship okay otherwise, and we're just being a brat about it?
People are way too sensitive these days.
Unless it is something habitual, I just let it go. There's no sense in two or more people being hurt in the process.
This hasn't happened to me...but I've witnessed it happen to others. Cracks me up every time.
ReplyDeleteArdel Caneday, Prof of NT at Bethel College (and co-author with Tom Schreiner) has written a paper on "The Sin of Unconditional Forgiveness."
ReplyDeletehttp://trsbu.blogspot.com/2009/02/sin-of-unconditional-forgiveness.html
I like that term "soft revenge". I've experienced that and a lot of other not-quite-right things that masqueraded as forgiveness. The root of the problem often is not discerning the difference between forgiveness, which we are compelled to do, and reconciliation, which is conditional based on both parties.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, and very true. It seems like this is a subtle form of judgement to forgive someone "out loud" when they haven't asked for it.
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me of my 5 yo daughter...she says "I forgive you" instead of "I'm sorry". At first I thought she was just confused, but lately I wonder if she is smarter than we think. :)
LOVE IT!
ReplyDeleteSheer Brilliance.
ReplyDeleteThis one has to be in the book!
Your ending said it all: soft revenge.
This is a fun site, but actually I find this topic VERY tough because I have struggled with my faith for so many years because of much abuse done to me in my lifetime, and some of it by my fellow Christians, most of whom have ever confessed to me and asked for my forgiveness. I am now in counseling for anger and realizing that it isn't God's fault for the abuse done to me.
ReplyDeleteI once received a letter in middle school-not an e-mail or a text, but a hand-written letter mailed to me- from a sweet girl in my youth group whom I was friendly with. This long letter explained how and why she was harboring deep feelings of jealousy toward me and had been since I joined the church. She said God was helping her work through it and she wanted to ask for my forgiveness, even though I had no idea it was happening. I liked this girl and I knew she was sincere, and if it helped her move on in her life, I'm glad it did, but it honestly just made me feel awkward around her.
ReplyDeleteIf only that happened for real...it seems like some kind of SNL skit! I think I will try that tonight when my wifey comes home.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. More often than I forgive people who haven't apologized, I find Christ making me apologize to people who weren't even offended.
ReplyDeleteHoly crabapples! Pretty much that exact conversation happened to me a few days ago. Are you sure you can't read my mind, sir?
ReplyDeleteOh wow, what Jeff (comment #5) said! That same scenario happened to me in a high school youth group, with the additional awkwardness multipliers that
ReplyDelete1) I couldn't understand what the guy said, because of background noise and the fact that he was (understandably!) mumbling, so I had to ask him to REPEAT the confession about three times!! Eeeek! And then, you guess it, awkwardly stammered out, "Ummm, it's okay, I forgive you?" and escaped with a burning red face.
2) I had several classes with him so I had to see him often and at length for the rest of the year after that...never was quite sure how to act around him after that.
Poor guy. I still cringe when I think of me standing there asking him, "What?"
Ugh. SO true.
ReplyDeleteWhat's even better is when people "forgive", but still won't friend you on Facebook because "the trust just isn't to that level, yet."
Yeah.
This is so funny. I think if we had more life skills like dealing with confrontation in a healthy manner, stuff like this would never happen.
ReplyDeleteIf someone genuinely offends you to the extent that you have to forgive them, have the guts to tell them you were offended. Then maybe they'll have a clue they upset you and NOT do it again!
But that's way too practical for most of us :)
Great post, and many great comments!
ReplyDeleteI know someone who makes a point of proclaiming loudly to all in a pre-emptive strike that _they_ 'don't hold grudges'; but of course, -this- is the person who repeatedly steps on other people's toes. Then this person evades apologizing when confronted, and blames all the victims for being 'unforgiving' when they yell 'ow!' The perpetrator then magnanimously declines to bear a grudge against the victims....who can't possibly win.