Next month, I’m speaking at my sister-in-law’s wedding. I’m not an ordained minister, so I’ll be sharing the responsibilities with the groom’s grandfather who is a pastor. My mother-in-law asked me to tell her daughter’s story, share some marriage advice and do kind of a humor/insight thing. (She asked me after seeing me speak at the Off the Blogs event and that she wants me to do this is no small miracle because for at least four solid years before God rebuilt my life she experienced a season of life I would call “Wow that Jon Acuff is a jerk.”)
And this is the first wedding I’ve spoken at. Sure, I’ve been the silver medal friend that’s not in the wedding and is instead asked to read a Bible verse, you know the verse I am talking about, but never actually spoken at one. So I was curious, what’s the best marriage advice you’ve ever heard? Clearly I know what I’m not going to say, but what should I say?
If you’ve never been married, what’s the best advice you’ve heard?
If you are married, what’s the best advice you wish you had heard?
What would you tell a young couple about marriage?
The best advice I ever received was simple and true: Be kind to one another.
ReplyDeleteA friend recently got engaged and received lots of advice on cards at her shower. The most memorable advice? "Fight naked."
ReplyDeleteWv:thiti- where to go on the honeymoon if Tahiti is full.
Someone said to surround yourselves with people that support you and your marriage. Easier to stay married when no one close to you is against it!
ReplyDeleteThe best advice I ever got was in passing. A few months before I was married, another older guy I was in youth group with said, "Marriage is hard work Charlie." And I was thinking, "Oh no, please don't down play marriage or joke about giving it five years before we get sick of each other, etc." But he continued saying, "But it's good work." And he left it at that. Best advice I've gotten to date.
ReplyDeleteNever argue unless you are naked and in the shower.
ReplyDeleteMy in-laws gave us that nuggget in front of about 20 of our closest friends at one of our bridal showers 15 years ago.
I never got the birds and the bees talk from my dad. What I did get from him, the night before I got married, was funny, but solid advice. He said, "Jeff, in 32 years, I've never won a fight with your mother, but I'm happy." That was that.
ReplyDeleteSimply put:
ReplyDeleteOnly one person gets to be an idiot at a time.
The details:
Since we're human beings, it's enivitable that we'll act like idiots every now and again. Powerful, happy couples manage to coordinate their idiotic periods.
When I'm acting like a knucklehead, my wife recognizes that it's my turn. When she's acting like a knucklehead (much less often, by the way) I've learned to back off and let it be her turn.
It's a bit like driving, really. When one person makes a mistake, other people can usually work around it. The really ugly accidents happen when two people mess up.
It’s better to be righteous than to be right. True righteousness means unconditional love. Unconditional love means putting your spouse before yourself. Being “right” is often the wrong approach.
ReplyDeleteDon't put off dealing with things as they come up, but you don't have to deal with every little thing. Some things should just be accepted.
ReplyDeleteThe 100% rule: Most people think marriage is 50/50. So they give 50% and assume their partner will do the rest. Some days, 25% may be all you can manage. That leaves a shortfall. If instead you both make giving 100% the goal, then on those harder days, one spouse can make up the gap for the other one. The objective is to get to 100% together as much of the time as possible. The ratio doesn't matter.
ReplyDeleteDon't criticize your spouse; those flaws kept them from marrying someone better than you.
ReplyDeleteAlways fight fair. Meaning once a fight is over, you are not allowed to bring it up EVER again.
ReplyDeleteNEVER, NEVER, EVER compare your spouse to their parent!!!
simply to remember and honour your wedding vows
ReplyDeleteLove is a choice. Always choose to love your spouse and the feelings will follow.
ReplyDeleteIn the words of the queen of rock and roll:
ReplyDelete"Love is a Battlefield" - Pat Benatar
A couple of things come to mind:
ReplyDeleteThe marriage ALWAYS comes first. Before church, parents, children, whatever except God. He instituted marriage before any of the rest. Give your priority attention to that and the rest will thrive because of it.
Second, in order to argue, each person says something, but then has to remove an item of clothing. :-)
Marriage is harder than you'll expect; ASK FOR HELP.
ReplyDeleteLove your spouse more than you love being right.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts on the topic: http://bethcrabtreehunter.blogspot.com/2009/04/love-marriage.html
ReplyDeleteWell, all these comments about fighting naked will surely raise the traffic coming from web searches for "porn". LOL
ReplyDeleteA friend gave us a framed verse that reminds us to not let the sun go down on anger. Though it's frustrating at times, it certainly does help tremendously when necessary!
And remember to LAUGH!
My husband gave my three daughters the best marriage advice I've ever heard last week as we were watching a very public marriage disintegrate on television. He said, "Girls, my relationship with your mom is more important than you are." So my advice would be similar to others . . . put your marriage first--ahead of the kids, ahead of the in-laws, ahead of money, ahead of everything except your relationship with Christ.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is intended to make you HOLY, not HAPPY.
ReplyDeleteBut when you strive for holiness you somehow find happiness.
Look for God in every argument.
ReplyDeletebest advice: go to bed at the same time together as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteWhat I wish I heard: deal with your junk before you get married. i.e.: my insecurities, arrogance, pride...
My best advice: Never stop flirting with your spouse.
Women are a symphony: complex, well-practiced, widespread, diverse....
ReplyDeleteMen are bass-drums: they just keep the beat....
Understanding this will make your marriage bliss.
best advice:
ReplyDeletewhat ever irritates you about the other person before marriage will multiply by a factor of ten. Be very careful of those things.
don't rush into having kids, wait until you're ready cause once you have them you can't give them back!
ReplyDeleteAs someone who's unmarried, the best advice someone has told me is: Enjoy the first 3-5 years of engagement/marriage like you enjoyed your college years. In college, your life was idealistic and fun... and then you hit the real world, and the fun was replaced by responsibility and the idealism was replaced by reality. You don't react to the responsibility and reality by running away and finding the "college" experience all over again. Just like the years in college, the awesome "in love" experience will end, and responsibility and reality will take its place. Just like life after college has its rewards, so does a committed relationship. Enjoy those first, intense, fun, impulsive and amazing years, but don't expect them to last forever. -- that's advice that I can really understand and I feel like I know what to expect and what not to expect much better than society's "happily ever after marriage" message.
ReplyDeleteYou already know I think it's your bear attack scenario from post #73. If you walked up to the front wrapped in foil ringing bells that would really set the stage for the humor/insight paradox she may be looking for. But it also might get you back on the jerk list.
ReplyDeleteA woman married 50 years said that on the eve of her wedding she made a list of ten th9ings that her groom did that had the propensity to annoy her. She decided she would openly forgive those behaviors. (leaving the toilet seat up, letting the trash pile up) For her marriage, whenever her husband annoyed her she thought. "Oh, that must be one of the ten!" and let it go. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteThe preacher asked our best friends for their advice to us which he then read during the wedding. My wife's best friend told us that "every marriage needs lots of Barry White." Good advice.
ReplyDeletePieces of advice I've picked up:
ReplyDelete- It's often said that a good marriage is 50-50. That's not true. It's got to be 100-100. And some days it wont be - some days it'll be 100-50, some days 30-30, some days even 200-200. But both people have to, overall, put in 100% or it won't work.
- Being a Christian is not a guarantee of a great marriage. If you go 80 miles an hour around a 40 MPH curb, you're probably going to get hurt - the fact that you're playing a Christian radio station in the car isn't going to save you.
- Never stop dating.
- Dads/husbands: the most important thing you can do for your kids is to treat their mother right.
- Prayerfully make a plan...but realize that only God really knows when the kids will arrive. :)
- Make the big decisions together, particularly the big financial decisions.
- PRAY TOGETHER EVERY DAY.
A few little tidbits:
ReplyDelete-You will it again until you feel it again.
-A marriage is not 50% from one person and 50% from another. It's 100% from both.
And I find myself constantly having to remind myself that it's not me vs. him. We're not against each other and I don't always have to win. We're a team and we work together. You tend to forget that sometimes.
The absolute best advice I was given before my wedding was to never stop courting my wife. I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure that advice works both ways. So always keep a date night, no matter how busy you get.
ReplyDeleteThe minister who did our pre-marital counseling had spent some time on mission trips in parts of the world where most marriages are arranged - and those he spoke with were happily married. He asked several people about their marriages, and they explained it this way:
ReplyDeleteIdeally, the girl grows up knowing that she will one day be given in marriage, and she spends her life learning how to do the things a good wife does, no matter who the husband is. Likewise, the young man is raised learning what is expected of a good husband, regardless of which girl he marries.
On the wedding day, parents are basically saying, "We know you don't really love him/her, but you love US. Please, in order to honor us, go and be the kind of husband or wife to this person that we have taught you to be, regardless of what he/she does."
Our minister told us that he wished more of the rest of us would do the same: "I think I love you, but I KNOW I love God, and in order to honor HIM, I will be the kind of husband/wife I am supposed to be, regardless of what you do." THAT is unconditional love.
(I know, I know...there are cases of abuse, etc., and I'm not talking about staying in a dangerous marriage, or (especially in other cultures) promoting the idea of young girls being forced to marry, etc. But, the concept of BEING the person God calls us to be, regardless of the circumstances or the other person's behavior can revolutionize a marriage, if each person is willing to humble himself or herself.
I DO have a friend (from another culture, not a Christian, but who has lived in the States for nearly 20 years and has raised two children) whose marriage was arranged nearly 30 years ago, and she confirmed that this was indeed the case. They did not "love" each other on their wedding day - they barely knew each other - but they were committed to having a good marriage, and have GROWN to love each other. They have been married almost 30 years, and have a much better marriage than many I've seen!
I'm glad I got to "choose" my husband, but it's more and more true all the time that when I stop being concerned with trying to get him to behave a certain way and just focus on my own behavior...it makes all the difference in the world!
After reading through the other comments, I see I'm the 23rd person to mention the 50%/50% thing. Apparently, that's a big one!
ReplyDeleteMy best advice, comes from experience, and a very happy marriage.
ReplyDeleteIt is:
Be best friends and laugh together.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Your spouse doing something to hurt you or not doing something to please you does not excuse you hurting them or refusing to meet their needs. Returning evil for evil is still doing evil. And since when does doing wrong to your spouse make it MORE likely that they will want to do right to you?
ReplyDeleteEasy to say -- but hard to live. Inhumanly difficult, in fact, since human nature is to return good for good and evil for evil. This is why we need Christ in our lives, to lead and enable us to do what is impossible for us to do on our own.
Though we aren't Jewish, our wedding ceremony had a chuppah and our advice was "do not let too many people under the chuppah". It's for God, my husband, and me. Jon and Kate let the whole world under their chuppah of marriage in their tv show and that didn't so much work out for them. (Read Rob Bell's "Sex God" for more about the chuppah)
ReplyDeleteYou cannot love unless you are committed to forgiveness.
ReplyDeleteThe best advice I ever heard (given at my friends' wedding) was: Most people think that love is a house for your marriage, but it's actually that marriage is a house for your love. By which the speakers meant, sometimes you may not feel like you love each other, but you're still married-- so you keep acting with patience, kindness, etc., even if you don't feel so kind or patient or etc. Marriage isn't based on feelings.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is all about forgiveness. The pastor who did our wedding had us read "As For Me & My House" by Walt Wangerin before we were married...and that's the central message. We all do things that need to be forgiven, so you both need to be good forgivers!
ReplyDeleteTwo things have helped us:
ReplyDelete1. Remember that no one every wins an arguement (my sister in law at another sister in law's wedding shower).
2. The tools for a successful marriage is a liberal use of the three phrases "I'm sorry", "I was wrong", and "I forgive you."
L A S T
ReplyDeletelisten, learn, laugh
Apologize and accept forgiveness
support and serve
touch
Just heard this at our most recent marriage conference: Your spouse is not your enemy.
ReplyDelete1. Pray together.
ReplyDelete2. Your marriage is not going to be exactly like your parents' marriages or your friends' marriages. It will take awhile to figure out what works for you and your spouse. It might look different than you think it will, and that's ok!
Sleep naked for the first year (at least).
ReplyDelete1. don't go to bed angry
ReplyDelete2. Love is not a fight its something worth fighting for
3. Love is a choice
4. remember that when you marry you are marring a sinner
I didn't receive this advice. I give this advice:
ReplyDeleteLIKE is harder than LOVE. At times, you will have to work to LIKE each other, and that is ok.
Don't expect your spouse to meet all your needs...that is God's job and only He is able to do it. Let your spouse off the hook.
ReplyDelete(I thought you would like the 'off the hook' reference, even thought the context lacks the hip to the hop.)
Make a pact to have NO secrets! No matter how small or insignificant they may seem, secrets are just lies and they only lead to more and bigger secrets (lies) and ruin marriages. My wife and I have agreed the ONLY secrets we will allow are the kind to hide a surprize like birthday/anniversary/Valentines gift, etc. We have all eachothers passwords to email, facebook, etc. In this digital age, TOTAL transparency is the best way to protect your marriage!
ReplyDeleteFor the wedding day itself:
ReplyDelete1) At least one thing will go wrong (lack of potato salad, wedding dress zipper breaking) but don't sweat it. Tomorrow, no one will care.
2) Don't forget to take a moment, sit back, and soak in the whole experience. Too many couples have this huge hectic day that just becomes a blur in your memory.
The day after you get married:
Don't expect to feel any different. Everyone says that marriage is a life changing experience so I assumed that it would be kind of like going from a Clark Kent to Superman sort of thing, totally changing your identity and who you are.
BUT, the next day I still felt like regular old me. In fact, I still felt like that for quite some time. But about a year later when my wife was gone for a week visiting her family it felt as if my right arm was cut off. Then that whole "two become one" thing started to make sense.
In an argument, the first person to say "I'm sorry" wins.
ReplyDeleteI am a pastor. The best statement in a marriage sermon that I ever heard came from another pastor: "Virtually every day of your marriage you will have the opportunity to either be right, or to remain married."
ReplyDeleteNever go to sleep without saying "I love you." Even if if you're not 'feeling it'. Love is a verb, not a noun.
ReplyDeleteAlso, NEVER EVER throw down the D word in an argument. Don't even THINK it.
Going on 35+ years. someone told me to look at my marriage like a pyramid. My husband and I are at the bottom corners, God is at the top. As we grow closer to God and move up the pyramid, we also grow closer to each other.
ReplyDeleteOkay - sleep naked is another good one....
Forgive much. Laugh a lot. Be in community together. Call it accountability, or whatever Christian word you want to call it, but it's hard to un-knit something that has been knit together in community. The stakes are higher, so people naturally try harder. And, in multi-generarional community, we often find ourselves surrounded by marriages of all ages. We can remember young love and, at the same time, be inspired by 60y marriages. As we watch other couples "do marriage," we receive the best "do's & don't's" of any marriage seminar!
ReplyDeleteWhen I asked my great aunt (who was maried about 65ish years before her hubby died) what the secret to their longevity was, she simply said "We put God first."
ReplyDeleteWhat I wish I had been told? Fightin' and Lovin' usually happen after midnight. One can be put off until tomorrow, the other never should.
My husband says its, "Learn to compromise."
ReplyDeleteI say its, "You may be sitting across the table from your spouse one day and really NOT like him at that moment. And that's okay. As long as you love him thru the not liking him, it will be alright."
Just because you don't feel like you're "in love" doesn't mean you don't love your spouse. Feelings come and go, love isn't a feeling.
ReplyDeletegood friend of mine who was hugely instrumental in introducing me to Christ - he's an old, proper, KJV-only, cut-the-grass-in-dress-pants, independent Baptist minister - sat me down a couple days before our wedding and wanted to know if i had any questions. i was a newbie Christian and was afraid that sex had to be boring, pro-creational, missionary-position-only boredom.
ReplyDeleteso, somehow the topic turned to sex. he smiled and gave me the first of two best advice statements i've gotten: "make sure she's happy first - then you get yours."
as we talked a little more i asked, "how do you keep from being bored? can Christians even have fun with this?" he smiled, knowing what i was worried about, then gave me the second best advice: "Scott, all things are permissible in the marriage bed. talk together, agree on things you want to try, and have fun."
my mind reeled: is he saying what i think he's saying??
so i said, "fuzzy handcuffs?"
he said, "all things are permissible in the marriage bed."
and i said, "ahem, 'toys?'"
and he said, "all things are permissible in the marriage bed."
and i threw a couple more things at him, and his reply was the same each time.
and in the middle of the restaurant i pumped my fists in the air in triumph and relief and shouted, "YES! WOO-HOO!!"
and 19 years later, we're still having a blast (and frankly, it only gets better and more fun).
The best advice we ever received was "take lots of showers together".
ReplyDeleteThe best marriage advice I ever got came from a book by Elizabeth Elliot. Basically,it's ok to say no to good things and opportunities, because your husband and family should always come first.
ReplyDeleteThe worst advice I've gotten are things like "always have date night," quotes from Elisabeth Elliott and also books on submission (got two of those as wedding gifts). The best marriage advice I think is John 3:30, "he must increase and I must decrease." We have it inscribed inside our wedding rings..
ReplyDeleteMy dad said to me never go to bed angry with one another, which we have found good advice.
ReplyDeleteAnother piece of advice is that on your honeymoon and any trip away to hotels... remember that the shampoo, soap and conditioner is free and so take it even if you won't use it. That way they will top you with even more to take. These things are worked into the cost of the room and if they are not taken by you they will only be taken by room service.
I think it can't be stressed enough how much you will be angry with the person sometimes and that you will want out at many points. This all means you have a true relationship, because that person isn't just rolling over and letting you have your way. I think that is what loving someone well is, to engage them and speak into the chaos even when it would be much easier to let them have their own way. I strongly dislike the "let your wife always be right" adage because it's so non-relational. Marriage is about deepening relationship between both yourselves and with God and sharpening each other, and that is sometimes very uncomfortable and shakes you to your core. We've been married almost 11 years now and it's been incredibly difficult at times. I wish more people would talk about that part of it because then we wouldn't have felt like such freaks when we get so frustrated with each other.
ReplyDeleteI realize you probably can't say all of this during a wedding toast... :) It would just be nice to get it out there.
"Your relationship with your spouse is the most important earthly relationship. Take care of it. Your future children deserve that." Spoken to me by a divorced friend when I was pregnant with my first child. She couldn't have been more right. My children can't wait to get married due to the relationship they witness daily.
ReplyDeleteTommy Nelson-
ReplyDelete"Never try to WIN an argument, why would you want to take your spouse down like you would any opponent?"
It was something like that. Another thing that he said was to "Fight well"...don't yell or use harsh words...NEVER leave. It is ok to go into a different room if you need to calm down...but leaving is cancer to the marriage.
Jeremy
Our preacher gave us the advice "If you must fight, fight naked. It will be over quick and love will prevail."
ReplyDeleteNot sure if that's what you're going for. So I'll add this one to the already stellar advice above:
Talk to your spouse first. Don't go to anyone else until you've gone to them first. Make that relationship above and before even your closest friends AND YOUR MOTHER.
This was in an e-mail devotional from Elisabeth Elliot put out by Back to the Bible, and it really helped me with perspective:
ReplyDelete"Many women have told me that my husband’s advice, which I once quoted in a book, has been an eye-opener to them. He said that a wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy."
And this from Spurgeon:
“He who grows in grace remembers that he is but dust, and he therefore does not expect his fellow Christians to be anything more. He overlooks ten thousand of their faults, because he knows his God overlooks twenty thousand in his own case. He does not expect perfection in the creature, and, therefore, he is not disappointed when he does not find it.”
~ Charles Haddon Spurgeon, The Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit: Sermons, p. 448
one guy at church offered this piece of advice, (half) jokingly of course:
ReplyDelete"happy wife = happy life"
haha.
Ok, this may sound totally corny. The pastor who married us told us to never have a tv in the bedroom. The bedroom is for marital relations and to be together. A tv destroys that togetherness. We've been married 15 years with no tv in the bedroom. We pass this advice on to every couple we know getting married. We think it's important and right.
ReplyDeleteworst: "marriage is like programming a VCR..." (I never stayed tuned in to figure out how that sentence ended).
ReplyDeletebest: older woman to me (wife)... never forget that your mood sets the tone in a household; be sweet.
Probably the best advice I've ever heard is to "be an 11".
ReplyDeleteInstead of thinking about marriage/commitment as 1 and 1 meging to become "2" and losing their uniqueness, individualality and identity (becoming a "Brangelina", or "Bennifer" if you will-- not that I necessarily think these celebrities lost their own identities, just that these ridiculous names seem to perpetuate this idea.)
Instead be an "11".
You're still each your own person with your own likes, dislikes, talents and dreams. You are not just "So and so's spouse" you are still YOU. You are two "1's" coming to stand beside one another and support one another. An "11", not a "2". And we all know "11" carries more weight than "2" :P.
Also, just saying "I love you" doesn't mean you do. If you really want to show that you love someone. Don't hurt them. Now obviously you will, that's relationships, that's life. But instead of grand gestures and proclamations of love, SHOW you're love by thinking before you act of speak, and conciously seek to avoid hurting the one you love.
I don't care how many gifts, hugs, "I love you's", or homemade meals I get, it doesn't mean anything if my partner's actions and speech are hurtful.
And finally, it's cliche, but oh so true. take it ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I can't tell you how many newlyweds I see that can't stop talking about "forever". Forever is great, but it's easy to promise "Forever" when you're first married, or engaged. It doesn't mean much. Instead of grand promises of "forever" strive to love the one your with TODAY, don't wait until "forever" to come, because if you do, it might not. Love your partner each day as much as you can. Don't take them for granted. There are so many couples that are together, and miserable,. Yeah, they might be together "for life", but hello? They're miserable. Marriage should be about quality, not quantity. I don't care to be married for 60 years if I can't stand my partner!
Make your goal a GOOD marriage instead just of "a long marriage". Odds are if you do that, barring something unforeseen, you will have a good marriage, AND a long marriage.
For our anniversary Dan gave me a card that said:
ReplyDelete"Thanks for marrying me. If it weren't for you I'd probably be driving somebody else nuts."
I think you can do something with that.
On to arguments... Before I got married God really pressed upon me to not pray, "God help Dan understand me" if I had not first prayed, "God help me understand Dan." 10 years later when we argue God reminds me of that. When I do it, it makes a huge difference.
Im with Julie. Love Is A Battlefield. You could recite it like it's poetery and very deep...
ReplyDeleteWe are young
Heartache to heartache we stand
No promises or demands
Love is a battlefield
In any argument, there are 3 sides: your side, my side, and the truth. If both parties put their side down and realize that they are not right, they might just find the truth.
ReplyDeleteLots of good advice here. Here are a couple of things i tell folks in premarital counseling.
ReplyDeleteThe husband has been ordained by God to be the head of the house. That doesn't mean he's the boss. God gives authority so that you can serve. So, the husband is the head servant and his job is to meet the needs of his wife and family before his. The wife submits to this authority by helping her husband to know how to serve her and the family. Men need this because we are basically clueless.
Husbands are commanded to love their wives. I think this means that husbands need to continue to romance their wife and to help her to see how beautiful she is.
Wives are commanded to respect their husbands. In fact, they are not commanded to love them! In marriage respect isn't something to be earned, it is to be given. The reason is that men feel loved, when they feel respected. Most men act more confident than we really are. The truth is we're scared to death that we're going to screw everything and everyone up. Having someone remind you that they believe in you is incredibly empowering.
Obviously, there is more that we talk about in premarital counseling, but these are things that haven't been covered here just yet.
I must say after browsing through many of the comments, I have NEVER heard of arguing naked and I WOULD NOT have wanted to hear that in the middle of my wedding.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, the best advice I got (as a man) was never to go to bed angry. And after several years I have found this to be solid advice. We men go to bed and wake up and have completely forgotten about being mad. Women, on the other hand, wake up and are just as mad as (if not more) than when they went to bed--they just don't appear to be mad (but trust me they are).
Working through our problems right then and there has been the best thing, even if we have to lose a little bit of sleep. I know both of us feel like it means we truly care more about our marriage then whether or not we will be tired at work tomorrow.
Whatever you think is cutest about your spouse when you're dating is what will drive you crazy in 10 years.
ReplyDeleteNot advice, per se, but when DH is acting particularly silly and playful, it helps me to remember that that's what drew me to him in the first place.
Ask yourself if you'd rather be right or be happy. (you usually can't have both).
ReplyDeleteDon't keep score (nobody wins).
Belly laughs are always good.
Say "I love you".
Make the choice to do some stuff together. Even if you have wildly different interests, it's important to work and play together.
We have been married for 3 years now and it just gets better.
ReplyDeleteSome of the best advice I've heard: always speak well of your husband to others. (I won't go into detail but this has saved my butt several times.)
And I completely agree with Jeremy Nevil on the: "NEVER leave. It is ok to go into a different room if you need to calm down...but leaving is cancer to the marriage."
It's not only about finding the right person, it's about being the right person.
ReplyDeleteA verse you can use instead of the dreaded one is Phil 2.3 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
Will you have a transcript?? Probably too much to ask since I still haven't heard anything from the poem request for those who have lost a child....
being a single church lady, i've heard a lot of different advice: ranging from conflict resolution to physical intimacy. the best i've heard (although it might not be the best as i haven't been married) is to keep your relationship with Christ the most important. how else can you love your spouse the way Christ loved the church?
ReplyDeleteInsist on being loving more often than you insist on being right. Being right divides you (someone has to be wrong, don't they?) but being loving will only bring you closer together.
ReplyDelete-NEVER speak ill of your spouse behind their backs or in public.
ReplyDelete-NEVER argue over finances, but lean on Phil 4:6,7 (most divorces involve financial issues).
-NEVER go to bed mad. Eph 4:26
-Kill your expectations before marriage and create a new "normal" together.
-Payoff as much debt as humanly possible before getting married!
Keep your arguments between the two of you. Pre-marital counseling, the pastor said, "You'll forgive him when he hurts your feelings, doesn't call or, perhaps, something more serious. Your mother never will." As it turned out, neither would HIS mom. We've been married 14 years and HIS mom STILL brings up "the time that..." which I can barely remember.
ReplyDeleteOh, and my dad's advice, which someone else mentioned in a way, "only one of you gets to be crazy at a time, two crazy people makes murder or divorce!"
I know its a cliche, but the best advice I have heard and given is that "marriage is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the trip!!"
ReplyDeleteMarried-18 years
ReplyDeleteThe best advice I ever heard was from my friend Holly. Her husband was a press secretary for a senator--and he was often caught up in his job. She said that rather than nag him, she always took her requests to God. And God never failed to bring the subject up with her husband, who then would say, "Holly, what do you think about doing ..." She'd wink at God and say, "Great honey!"
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ReplyDeleteFrancis Chan said that Christians that are most ready to marry are the ones that need it the least - their identities are hidden in Christ (Col 3:3) and Christ is their life :)
ReplyDeletewith that said, run towards Christ with your significant other running alongside you.
Before we were married, a friend's dad pulled my soon-to-be hubby aside and told him, "In marriage, you have two choices. They are exclusive - to choose one, is to totally do away with the other. Your choices are right or happy. My advice is to choose happy". Now when Jamie and I are 'discussing' something, he will often smile and say, "I am choosing happy." And you know what? I'm happy, too. Ha ha ha.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to go to bed angry when you make it a habit to sleep naked.
ReplyDeleteKnow that as a wife, submitting to your husband is freedom! You just support your husband. If he happens to be wrong, duck and let God get him!
ReplyDeletepeace is not the absence of conflict, it's the ability to work through it.
ReplyDeleteIn the movie Phenomenon, starring John Travolta (George) and Kyra Sedgwick (Lace, who hand-weaves chairs from saplings), there's a scene late in the movie where "Doc" (Robert Duvall) is defending George to a group in the bar, especially to Banes (Sean O'Bryan), who simply doesn't understand love - for his fellow man OR his girlfriend Lisa. Doc calls him out:
ReplyDeleteBanes: [speaking about George's transformation] He never really changed at all. Isn't that right Doc? I mean he never really got any smarter. Doc?
Doc: Banes... how's your lady love?
Banes: We... um... we broke up.
Doc: Really? That's too bad, yeah. Now George has a love at his side and she is sticking with him. You know why? Because he bought her chairs. That's pretty smart to me. You ever buy Lisa's "chairs"?
+++
My wife and I have been married 22 years this year. The advice I give now that I wish I had received then? Take delight in the things that make your spouse joyful. Be proud of their accomplishments, and be supportive of their interests and their endeavors, especially those that come from the heart. "Buy each other's chairs whatever they may be."
Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her.
ReplyDeleteWives, submit to your husbands as unto the Lord.
A lot of women don't like the S word, but God says it, so if there's a problem they can take it up with Him. If it's His instruction, it's for the best.
wv: gagaloct--The condition of being permanently in the state of infancy.
"Will he ever grow up?" "No, he's gagaloct."
The early believers held all their property in common, but you don't hear communism preached from pulpits these days. Selective literalism.
ReplyDeleteBest advice I would give: a vow before God is a vow before God.
instead of thinking along the lines "what has he/she done for me lately" you should always be thinking "what have I done for him/her".
ReplyDeleteI believe that a Christ centered marriage is the closest thing to heaven on earth, that being said very few things in life that are worthwhile come without cost, marriage, like life, is just hard sometimes. The sooner you acknowledge that and commit to being there no matter what, the easier the hard times become.
Follow God together by meeting in prayer and in the Bible.
ReplyDeleteBe best friends. Friendship will get you through the rough spots and tragedies.
And Paul's advice was pretty awesome too:
Be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry...
do your best to make sure your spouse is always your very best friend: have fun together, laugh at inappropriate times, share inside jokes, don't take yourself or your partner so seriously, forgive quickly, be patient and tolerant,share your heart and your head, and you will grow together...
ReplyDeletethat's my personal advice :P
I heard this advice from a man a couple of months ago:
ReplyDeleteIn marriage, the husband and wife each represent two sides of an hourglass. An hourglass is filled with an amount of sand, which can be transferred from one side to another; however, you have to turn over the hourglass to shift the sand, then turn it again, etc. In marriage, this means that sometimes, the husband is on top, and able to pour himself into his wife's side; at other times, the husband's side is empty, and the wife is able to pour that precious sand right back into him. One side isn't stronger than the other, and one side doesn't always hold all of the sand; there's a constant give and take.
I love that analogy, and remember it daily in my relationship. How beautiful to know that when you are empty, your partner can provide what is desperately needed; even more beautiful, is knowing that you can give so freely of yourself when the hourglass turns over.
There is an "I" in this "Team." You don't completely loose your self in this covenant. That's part of the reason the other person married you. You have a personality.
ReplyDeleteMy mom's sunday school class threw me a bridal shower when I got married a few years ago. They all took turns giving me advice as I opened gifts. The most memorable piece of advice came from an older woman who, with a totally straight face, simply said, "Never cook bacon in the nude" without any further explaination.
ReplyDeleteOne of the best nuggets of advice we got was: "Never, EVER go to your respective parents to vent about your spouse if you've had a disagreement." This may seem like common sense, but being a newlywed (just celebrated 1 year in May) and being quite young (21 and 22) I'm so glad someone told us this before we tied the knot!
ReplyDeleteDon't hit below the belt. You don't want to crush the one you love.
ReplyDeleteDietrich Bonhoeffer, writing to a young bride and groom from his prison cell in
ReplyDeleteNazi Germany in 1943:
It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the
marriage that sustains your love.
Our best marriage advice (after 6 blissful years!) would be: read the book Love & Respect. It will change your relationship absolutely for the best! Men need respect to give love, and women need love to give respect...so it's a cycle.
ReplyDeleteRead it. Learn it. Live it. I guarantee your marriage will rock!
Don't throw the Ephesians verses at each other. In other words, men, you can't force respect from your wives and women, you can't force love from your husband. Both have to be freely given, otherwise that totally defeats the purpose. Your job isn't to turn your spouse into the perfect person, your job is to, with God's help, be the best spouse you can be. If you're doing your job well, your spouse will have a much easier time loving/respecting you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, figure out your spouse's love language- the ways in which they commonly communicate love to others and like to have it communicated to them.
Here are a few:
ReplyDelete1) Don't go to bed mad.
2) Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree.
3) Never Ever stop dating.
Secret to a long marriage: a short memory.
ReplyDeleteAs I scrolled through the comments I saw a lot of people say marriage is not 50/50, but 100/100. We have always said marriage is 100/0. Just like 50/50 is unrealistic, so is expecting 100/100 because there is inevitably times when your spouse won't give you jack. If you are always putting forth 100% effort and not having expectations of your partner you will never be let down. And on those times you are giving 100, they won't be let down either.
ReplyDeleteOh and don't have a TV in the bedroom. Seriously. It kills the sex life.
Second the Bonhoeffor quote!
ReplyDeleteI think fighting naked is the worst idea I have ever heard. And talking about naked fighting at a wedding is also a very bad idea.
ReplyDeletePlease, whatever you do, just say something original. As much as anyone can, that is, considering the whole 'nothing new under the sun' thing. You are a clever fellow and I can't imagine you'd ever be guilty of the whole "a man once said" anecdote introduction. Just be you. And make your sister-in-law feel all glowy. Which, in turn, will likely make your wife feel all glowy. Which is the point, of course.
Our preacher did a sermon series on the family, centered of course in Ephesians. His pithy summary of the submission/love thing was the following formula for his marriage with his wife: "I'm the boss, but she's number one"
ReplyDeleteThe best thing we heard was
ReplyDelete" A great marriage is not 50-50, it's 100-100. Giving yourself to your spouse, and to God, 100% of the time."
I loved that!
My favorite advice that we received was to only build your spouse up when you're in public. NEVER put each other down or insult each other or even tease each other about your faults. If you're having difficulties, try everything you can to only talk to each other about it first, instead of bad mouthing each other to your friends or family
ReplyDeleteThis advice has been awesome for us - my husband only ever builds me up and compliments me in front of others and I love that.
Here's the advice I'd tell newlyweds if I'd think they'd listen. But it's not the kind of thing you'd say at a wedding.
ReplyDelete*SHOCKER*
1) Drastically lower your expectations of your spouse. S/he's not Jesus. Or Romeo.
2) The first year (or two) is bad. It will pass. See # 1.
2) Throw out the marriage books and just work on being kind. See #1 re: Unrealistic Expectations.
3) Don't buy a bunch of nice stuff. The kids will just ruin it. Yes, they will. Even though you are thinking right now that they won't. You guessed it. See # 1.
(*smile*)
(*happily married for 12 years*)
^^ I have to say that I really disagree with the "first year being bad" thing.
ReplyDeleteWe were told that as well (not the most encouraging thing to say to a new couple either) and it was just the polar opposite. It was the best and keeps getting better!
COMMUNICATE!
ReplyDeleteWhen you kiss, kiss. When you hug, hug. Never kiss for less than 5 seconds and never hug for less than 10.
ReplyDeleteSomeone might have already said this, but here it goes...
ReplyDelete"Always have great sex after church. It will make you want to go to church more often."
Love it, even if it does combat the you-should-want-to-go-to-church-every-Sunday mantra. Hey, the sex afterward is just a bonus!
Touch your index fingers together - "Fifty-fifty marriage doesn't work. If you have a 45% day and your partner is at 30%, there's no connect."
ReplyDeleteNow overlap your index fingers, each touching the other palm - "Shoot for 100-100% marriage. That way if one of you is 85% and the other is 70% you're still connected."
Looks like a lot of great advice. My wife and I just went through (are actually still, technically in) a point of possible separation.
ReplyDeleteBut God is amazing and things are getting better and I believe they will be better than they've ever been.
My advice is to read Love & Respect and do what it says. The gist of it is, men love your wives, and wives, respect your husband. Always assume that your spouse is on your side, not against you.
check out the marriage book by nicky and sila lee. ideally read it together and discuss after each chapter
ReplyDeleteThe "love and respect" thing is really interesting as it assumes that gender defines personality.
ReplyDeleteI know my husband and I are very much the reverse of what is assumed there. "Love" is, as he has often said the most important thing to him. He really, in his own words just wants to feel loved and cherished. For me, respect seems much more inmportant. I want to be taken seriously, and seen as an athority in my areas of expertise (not an authority in my marriage of course, when one person decides they have "authority" over another in a releationshi, IMO you no longer even have a marriage.)
I honestly think that theory just relies on stereotyes.
But hey, you know what? If two people just happen to fit those descriptions and that book helped them appreciate eachother more, good for them I guess, but you can't just assume that "every man wants respect more and every woman wants love more", because that is clearly not always the case.
And yeah, I have to agree that "fight naked" is probably the worst advice I've ever seen in my life. And now I want brain bleach.
Best advice:
ReplyDeleteWifes responsibilities? Love her husband with all her heart, mind and soul.
Husbands responsibility? Everything else.
Laugh, laugh, and laugh!
ReplyDelete100%/100%
Fight naked, and make up naked too!
From the book "Love and Respect" (paraphrased), when there is a problem between husband and wife, the more spiritually mature will be the first to make a move to address the issue and forgive. This also holds true for any relationship.
Read the book "The Marriage Builder" by Larry Crabb.
ReplyDeleteBest advice we got: Spend more time planning your marriage than your wedding.
Also, praying together is huge!
The best advice we got on marriage was that, sometimes it was like a roller coaster. You have your high moments, when you can see the world for miles around and everything is calm, and you have you low moments where you think you're gonna splash into the fake pond they built just for that reason. Sometimes its a rush and sometimes its cal. But all in all, marriage is often like a roller coaster. It' might not seem stable and ease, and that's a good thing. Because nobody likes a roller coaster that's flat.
ReplyDeleteTHe best advice I've heard, as a single person, is to communicate with one another. First, to realize that men and women communicate differently, and to take that into consideration when you speak to each other. Learn how your spouse communicates. As crazy as it is, "The Five Love Languages" has helped my parents to the endth degree. Second, don't go to a friend or someone else outside of your marriage to talk about problems in your marriage. Unless it's to the point that you need to visit a Christian marriage counselor, don't let your friends tell you what THEY would do. Deal with it together in inside voices, not yelling voices.
ReplyDelete60 years ago my dad told my mom, "always remember that a word spoken in haste can never be taken back." 38 years ago this month my husband and I shared the same words. They were words filled with great wisdom and have blessed our lives together.
ReplyDeleteThe stats I heard in a sermon the year we got married was that Christians have the same divorce rate as the rest of the country, but couples who pray together have like a 90+ marriage success rate. We've managed to pull this off so far (many nights BADLY as one of us sleeps while the other prays, or repetitively, or whatever) but it keeps the door wide open for God in our relationship, focuses our marriage on Him, and keeps our intimacy stronger.
ReplyDeleteI'm also hugely pro-married sex. Have a lot of it, I say.
Erica
"Marriage will bring you the greatest joy and the greatest pain in your life"
ReplyDeleteSpoken to my husband and I by the pastor who married us. It really stuck with me.
He also reminded us to "always believe the best about your spouse"
Our pastor offered this nugget:
ReplyDelete1. Men, every day you need to try to earn points with your wife by doing things for her that you know she'll appreciate. (And you can only know because she tells you; you can't read her mind.) Aside: 5 Love Languages would call this "keeping your spouse's love tank full."
Now, the most important part:
2. All points reset to zero at midnight. Every day is a new day.
I'm writing as a widow whose husband died too young, too soon:
ReplyDeleteLife is short. Life is precious. You never know what your last words to each other will be, which kiss will be your last.
Walk in gratitude, and the rest will follow.
A woman from my church wrote in a card for my bridal shower, "Remember that marriage is NOT forever (Matthew 22:30), so enjoy it while it lasts."
ReplyDeleteI frequently pass that advice on to other newlyweds.
I like to remind couples that there's nothing in their wedding vows about doing dishes, cleaning house, staying home with babies, or being the primary breadwinner. The vows are about how you will love each other.
ReplyDeleteNow it might sound a little cliche, but love isn't simply a feeling. It's not something that you can fall into or out of. In fact, it's something we choose to do, even when we don't feel like it. That's why when Jesus talked about love, it always came out as a command (and you can't command a feeling - another important lesson for most grooms).
Now if we want a strong marriage, you need a strong love - the strongest of which comes from the source. If we are to love each other perfectly, we have to know the love of Christ. Make Christ the centerpiece of your marriage - make him the source of your strength and your love, and you will have a long, happy life together. Do this, and you'll find that even on the impossible days, when your day won't go right and nothing would make life easier than to throw your hands in the air and walk away, you'll find yourself still able to love your spouse.
"We love because [Christ] first loved us." -1 John 4:19
I heard a lady named Jeannette Clift George say that when you take your marriage vows, you really aren't saying "I love you forever" because you don't really know what that means just yet. There will be days where you can't stand that person and you'll wonder what you have gotten yourself into. What you are saying is, "No matter what happens, I will never quit on you." I'll never quit trying, never quit communicating, never quit learning, never quit serving, etc.
ReplyDeleteMy dad has a saying he tells new husbands: "Learn to say the following, 'You are right, I was wrong, I love you, please forgive me.'"
ReplyDeleteBest marriage advice I ever got:
ReplyDelete"if one of you wins, you both loose"
-my Mom.
a piece of advice that hits me a lot lately, [both in my marriage & otherwise]
"When we recognize a fault in others, we recognize a fault in ourselves." -Robert Fripp
Just to wives: Get out of God's way. We want to make our husband's Christianity look exactly like ours. At least MANY Christian wives fall into this trap. Get out of God's way and let God be God in hubby's life.
ReplyDeleteLearned this the hard way.
If your going to greet your husband at the door wearing nothing but a dress made out of Saran Wrap and stilettos, then make sure its not a hot and humid day. You just end up looking like a sweaty prune trapped in plastic - not so sexy and very hard to remove.
ReplyDeleteAlways say thank you to one another for everything.
Let him open the door for you.
Never criticize each other in public (even in jest). Be one another's biggest fans.
Spend your life together trying to outserve one another, and trying to outgive God.
ReplyDeleteReceived at our wedding: Never yell at one another unless the house is on fire!
ReplyDeleteRuth Bell Graham said of her husband, "Divorce is never an option. Murder, maybe..."
I'm thinking an SCL: Happily Ever After Score Card may be a neccessity. As is a post to share with us what you end up saying.
"At the start of any argument, assume you're the one who's wrong and find out why." I know that probably sounds ridiculous to most, but it's incredibly effective. Basically, "Drop any selfishness or pride you have, then talk it through with your spouse."
ReplyDeleteReally a great reminder (for this very selfish person) to consider your spouse before your self.
...my two cents
I got a couple good nuggets...
ReplyDeleteOne was given via toast at our rehearsal dinner, that you should never forget the person your spouse was when you fell in love with them - nor should you forget who you were, either.
We were also told that sometimes, it's okay to go to sleep on your anger. If it's something minute like being mad because you were the one that had to walk the dog at 11pm at night before bed for the 10,000th night in the row (Do you hear me??! I'm talking to YOU, Mr. B), just go to sleep on it. In the morning, you tend to be more rational and things are worked out 1,000 times easier.
It's the big things that you shouldn't let the sun go down on.
Tim Hawkins has advice for things husbands should not say to their wives - enjoy...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK2OakMoW_c
ReplyDeleteOn a serious note - James Dobson of Forcus on the Family says that we should enter marriage with our eyes wide open, but once we are married we need to keep them half shut.
Ok, well I was going to say that one of the better ones that I had heard (geared more toward the groom) is "Happy wife, happy life."
ReplyDeleteBut, I can't compare with Meaghan's "Fight naked." I really like that one. :-)
Marriage was not intended to take away our aloneness but for us to be known. To become one in marriage is to say to another, I want you to completely know my heart, good and bad, and give me the Grace i need to receive and give love as it was intended. Only when approached from this place can a couple find the deeper meaning of unconditional love which will hold together any God centered union. Oh, and fight naked.
ReplyDeleteNever buy your bed from Sears--they always stand behind what they sell.
ReplyDeleteWhen you argue with your mate, don't go tell all the bad stuff about your mate to your parents, siblings, or friends. When you speak to them about your mate, you should speak in loving terms, focusing on their good qualities.
ReplyDeleteDon't compare your mate to your ex boyfriend/girlfriend...EVER!
Never allow your parent to belittle or verbally assault your spouse.
@ Robbie lobst: I couldn't agree more! I have to continually remember to not try to be DH's holy spirit. When I got out of the way, he had the freedom to grow!
ReplyDeleteMy best marriage advice is to be friends. The day will come when the sun sets on passion and the body has faded. Friends will still have plenty to enjoy about each other.
Oh, and don't expect your mate to be your God - fulfilling everything in you that you lack. He/She wasn't meant for that.
Best advice was that marriage is a unity of two really good forgivers. You will need to be really good at this to make it last.
ReplyDeleteThe best advice I ever heard was at a marriage conference my husband and I went to in the middle of a major crisis in our marriage:
ReplyDelete"It's ok to fight; but fight for your marraige, not against it."
I think that was the one and only Beth Moore.
Changed both of our lives pretty quickly...
I had a realization while doing the dishes a while back: marriage is about grace. Sometimes you're the one who needs grace, and sometimes you're the one who needs to give it.
ReplyDeleteWhen I look at my relationship with my husband that way, it's easier to forgive, because I know how often I need forgiven.
An elderly couple were celebrating 50 years of marriage. Their friends & family asked them to each share some tips to such a long lasting marriage.
ReplyDeleteThe husband stood up & said, "My pastor once told me to always fight naked. I've always taken what my pastor said seriously & so I followed his advice faithfully. I've never argued with my wife with clothes on. However she didn't see the benefit of that arrangement so in 50 years of marriage all our arguments have taken place with me naked and her fully clothed. Always brought a sense of humility into my arguments... and they were always over very quickly - I don't think she much cared for the arrangement but she always held her tongue." The crowd snickered and his wife rolled her eyes. When his wife stood up to give her advice she handed her husband a box. The box contained 10 beautifully hand knit doiley's. Under the doiley's was an envelope containing $25,000. The wife looked at her husband and said, "Our pastors wife told me to always stop & knit a doiley before taking up an argument with you. This would give me time to work through my thoughts & anger, and hopefully the argument would dissolve before the doiley was finished." Her husbands eyes misted over, he looked at her and said, "my dear, you've only been angry with me 10 times over the course of 50 years?" he had to fight back his tears "But what is this $25,000 for?" The wife smiled at her husband and replied, "That's all the money I made from selling the doiley's."
Priceless.
I was at Creation Northeast this past week. While there I had the AMAZING opportunity to hear Dr Ergan Caner (the president of Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary) speak.
ReplyDeleteIt would be hard to wrap up what he said but I'll do my best.
To the single men in the audience:
There is some woman out there confused enough to say yes when you give her a ring. She has dreamed since she was a little girl about her wedding day. Shut up, dress how she says to dress, stand where she says to stand, and do what she says to do.
To the single women int he audience:
This is some guy out there who loves you dearly. He's been dreaming of his honeymoon since he was a little boy. Shut up, dress how he says to dress, stand where he says to stand, and do what he says to do.
I laughed so hard I cried. But I couldn't argue with his logic either.
P.S. He said this at a marriage conference once and was asked to leave before the conference was over. But I love him all the more for having the guts to say what was VERY true.
WV: Jestic: The gender neutral version of Majestic.
Some friends of mine gave this advice to some other friends for their wedding:
ReplyDelete"[groom], don't always try to fix it.
[bride], let him fix it sometimes."
Love your husband/wife like you want them to love you... You want them to love you when you screw up, put up with the annoying things you do, be faithful when fireworks wear off, etc... so that is how you should love them.
ReplyDeleteAs a woman who's walked the lonely traumatic road of infertility -- full of nosy Christian a-holes, I might add, and I'm a Christian -- I'd tell any couple getting married:
ReplyDeleteGet fertility tested NOW.
If that road is possibly in your future, better to know it now. It doesn't have to change your decision to get married, it may help prepare you, and it may keep you from years of weeping and hope deferred that forever change your life and marriage.
Sorry to be a downer, but I feel strongly about this.
Every husband lives in his wife's house and every wife visits her husbands workshop and office. Husbands should be vocal about how nicely she manages the house. Wives . . . maybe not so vocal.
ReplyDeleteI know this is going to sound lame, but the best marriage advice I ever got was an explanation of love is 1Corinthians 13: 4-5. I know we have heard it at weddings so much that it sounds trite, but it isn't. It is true.
ReplyDeleteWe were told to choose to love each other everyday. Believe it or not, love is a choice and even on those days when it seems very hard, I make that decision to love him.
ReplyDeleteI also see (I didn't take the time to read all 163 comments) that someone already wrote this, but we were also told to "Fight Naked." That way, we'll end up laughing 'coz who really looks normal when completely naked AND it's more fun/easier to make up.
we had a photo album that people signed like a guest book.
ReplyDeleteone friend wrote in big letters: "May All Your Ups And Downs Be In The Bedroom!"
that was sweet.
Best, most groan-inducing advice I ever got was actually not aimed at me, but at my little brother. He's 12 and is apparently desperate to marry me off (as are my two 13-years-old sisters, not twins, long story). I'm 25. When I, yet again, couldn't come up with a decent answer to the "Why aren't you married/dating?" question, my mom turned to the sibs and simply said, "Jen might not ever get married--and that's okay." Oh, I wanted to die on the spot. But it's true: if it never happens, it will be OK, because I have Christ, and God's got my back.
ReplyDeleteWV: sputi--SERIOUSLY? Sputi?! Is that like the plural of sputum??? How could sputum even be pluralized??!
I liked the content of your blog and the points you have mentioned that there is nothing like perfect marriage, communication, compromise, and the most effective tip to save a marriage is to be committed. Good reminder about to be committed, to be able to communicate, be willing to compromise, and be always in love.
ReplyDeleteHow funny that you wrote about this topic, Jon! My one year wedding anniversary is this Monday, and I've actually been reflecting a lot about our marriage lately.
ReplyDeleteThe best advice I wish someone gave me a year ago is this: remember whom you married. Is s/he a jerk? Is s/he selfish? Is s/he out to hurt you? Of course not. You wouldn't have married that person in the first place if s/he were like that. So remember whom you married. Remember that s/he is loving and kind, that s/he is concerned for you above all other things and would never [intentionally] do anything to hurt you. If you can remember whom you married, you'll save your marriage a lot of heartaches and arguments.
One of the best stories I have ever heard about marriage, and something that has stayed with me through the years is the following.
ReplyDeleteA couple was concerned that they were fighting too much, and speaking in haste, when it might be better to more carefully consider their words.
So the wife made the suggestion that they keep a big jug up on the fireplace mantle, and in it, each time they were angry with the other person, they were to put it in writing, and then place the missive in the jug. Hopefully, this would keep the open conflict at bay.
They would then take the notes out, once a year, and go through them, and see how many of the petty squabbles, as well as the serious issues, had resolved themselves, and then were to discuss the ones that hadn't been resolved.
The months went by, and the fighting really diminished, but they would see one another frequently leaving messages in the jug.
At the end of the first year, they sat down to discuss the notes in the jug.
There were many instances of fights and arguments that the wife had recorded.
But, every single one of the husband's notes to the wife said, "I love you."
AARRrrggghhhhh....
[This so reminds me of something my husband might do.]
[I think this story resonates with me so much because I frequently lack grace, and resort to the Law.]
The point that the story illustrates so beautifully is, as the Bible tells us, "Love covers a multitude of sins."
I DONT KNOW IF YOUVE ALREADY SPOKEN AT THE WEDDING OR NOT BUT...THE BEST ADVICE I EVER GOT CAME FROM ME TRYING TO DISCOVER HOW TO BE A BETTER HUSBAND. YOUR WIFE IS A GIFT DIRECTLY FROM GOD. TO ACT IN ANY OTHER WAY DOES NOT PLEASE HIM. HOW WOULD YOU ACT IF JESUS HIMSELF SHOWED UP AT YOUR DOOR WITH A GIFT?
ReplyDelete@anonymous July 1, 2009 4:01 PM
ReplyDeleteCouldn't agree more. The church who were there for us nearly 10 years when we got married have all but washed their hands of us because of our reaction to our infertility. We can't have children through no fault of our own but I honestly think we would have had more support if one of us had been unfaithful. I suppose they consider our disappointment, diagnosed depression and suicide attempts to be selfish and unholy. I feel that we have been punished (by God?) twice, firstly in losing our future, and secondly by losing our Church family, friends and finally faith. I love my husband more than ever but we are both so alone now.
The pastor at my old church uses the three phrases that every couple needs to know:
ReplyDelete"I was wrong"
"I apologize."
"I love you."
My father was unable to attend my sister's wedding, and I was asked to fill his shoes by providing the toast to the bride. I was single at the time, and I wanted to provide them some advice on how to have a happy marriage...so i asked around. These are true:
From a man at a coffee shop, "If the dish towels are marked HIS and HIS...don't marry her."
Then i asked a couple from the church that had been married for over 60 years. I asked them seperately what the key to a happy marriage was, they both answered that "they married the most amazing person in the world."
So my advice to them was to keep right on believing that you have married the most amazing, incredible, perfect person for you in the world...even when they aren't acting like that person.
My dad's a pastor and performed the ceremonies for my brother's, sister's, and our wedding. At my brother's he gave his bride a fine paint brush and my brother a broad one and explained that Ryan's authority only gave him the ability to paint the broad strokes of the portrait of their lives. Lydia's fine paintbrush gave her the freedom to paint all the finer details and highlights. It would absolutely take both to finish the painting. At my sister's wedding he gave Eric a Matchbox SUV and Emily a cool convertible. The point was that Eric would occasionally have to give up cool for functional, or utility. And not that my sister wouldn't have to sacrifice anything, but that she was to be treasured, like an expensive sportscar should be. You can't get everything done you need to in a convertible. And hardly will an SUV the perfect choice 100% of the time, again pointing out that both are essential in completing tasks.
ReplyDeleteMy wife is an engineer. I'm a pharmacist. My dad gave me a mortar and pestle and my wife a compass. I don't have a clue what he said to us that day. I would suggest that what you share is likely to have a bigger impact on those attending than those participating in the ceremony. I'm not sure if that's advice for you or something you can share, but it's my two cents...
I heard it is "Don't focus on the negative things" and "put commitment above love".
ReplyDeleteTo me, "if you think that other grass is greener, then you have just look at the grass at a glance"
ReplyDeleteIn a world (post with comments) full of references to marriage books and some incarnation of the 100%-100% idea, I'd like to refer to something a little different.
ReplyDeleteIn the buddy cop movie Bad Boys, Will Smith is listening to his partner's marriage problems, and suddenly cuts in with, "Yo, marriage is easy. You've only got one woman to please." Or something very much like that.
Obviously marriage isn't easy, and I should probably point out that I'm not actually married. However, in my experience, making your priority pleasing that one woman has worked out rather well.
Something that I have found to be helpful in a marriage is to not give up to easily. Even when things get to it's bleakest there is still hope. My friend and her husband went through a horrible time when she found that her husband had an addiction to pornography. Most wives would give up however she decided to give her husband the chance to seek help. They found help in Victoria Prater and Garry Prater's book "Love and Pornography." It takes love, compassion and understanding to maintain a marriage.
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband and I got married, we were both virgins, which was awesome. However, we ended up facing a lot of medical and emotional issues with sex that totally caught us off guard, and we spent the first year of our marriage feeling pretty devastated. Given how much our society focuses on sex, we felt like something was terribly wrong with us. It was awful. I know this does not happen to everyone or even most people, but as it happened to us, I feel like I want to give this advice to anyone who might read this and be going through the same thing:
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with you. You are dealing with issues that you couldn't anticipate. Go to the doctor, go to a counselor, do what you need to do, but know that this will get better. This will get to be more fun. You love each other, and you can get through this. And remember, God is not punishing you for anything. God is with you. God wants you to have an awesome sex life just as much as you do. Don't stop talking to him about how you feel.
I know this seems like a downer, but I wish anyone had said this to me as a newlywed. If it helps one anonymous person, I'm glad I said it.