Next to wasabi, my favorite condiment for food is "free." Sure, that's not a traditional garnish or accoutrement you often find accompanying meals but when someone asks me a question that starts with the phrase, "Hey do you want a free…" I usually don't give them a chance to finish their sentence because the answer is "Yes, yes I do."
Free food is delicious. Even if my mouth tries to tell me, "You're eating a codsicle, literally a popsicle made of cod" the little broke me inside replies, "Yeah, but it's free. We didn't have to pay for this codsicle!"
Fortunately for me, as a corporate employee, I've had the opportunity to eat roughly 9 million free meals. The best season of free food I ever experienced was when I worked for Staples.com. It was before the Internet bubble burst and they were constantly showering the web team with massive cookies, free Snapple and air hockey tables. As the economy crashed, we were able to measure the downturn by the frequency of the cookies.
What was once a never ending cornucopia of Oatmeal Raisin Awesomeness turned into a "Hey, they're only delivering cookies twice a day now" and then that turned into, "Cookies only come in the afternoon" and then finally into, "If someone from another department tries to come take one of the cookies we're getting weekly, I might stab them with a sharpened ruler."
Since we're currently in a bit of another economic crisis, I thought it might be good to do a quick refresh on how to locate free food within a church. You know it's there. You can't have church without donuts. But how do you find them? How do you develop a sixth sense to acquire the free food that is lurking within the confines of your local church? Here's how:
1. Tail Volunteers.
Most churches realize that to keep Sunday School teachers, ushers and other volunteers on their "A game" they've got to be well fed. And by well fed I mean "jelly donut." If you're already a volunteer then congrats, you know where the bagel secret lair is. But if you're not, the first thing you need to do is find a volunteer and tail them. Not too closely because they might see you, but try to stay the length of two cars behind them in the hall. Bring a newspaper too or pretend you're just a casual jogger by wearing a headband to church. People in spy movies do that and it seems to work well.
2. Check where first time visitors congregate.
We're not trying to bribe first time visitors to come back, but if they like Krispy Kreme donuts and it just so happens that we have Krispy Kreme donuts and they want to return to hear a second sermon because, "Why not? Krispy Kreme donuts!" that's their decision. Always pop in to first time visitor lunches and gatherings to say "Welcome to our church, good to see you! Where are you from, would you please pass me that potato salad?"
3. Make friends with the pastor's kids.
Andy Stanley, my pastor at North Point Community Church, once joked that his kids knew where all the free donuts were in the building. That's no joke given that the building accommodates something like 15,000 people every Sunday. As a pastor's kid I can attest that this is true. All too often your dad will make you come to church on Saturday for something and you'll end up kicking around the building exploring. You're bound to create a pretty good mental map of the layout and come Sunday, you'll be ready to go right to the spots that might have free donuts. Make friends with the pastor's kids.
4. Be Confident.
When you do find free food at a church, act like you belong there. If you walk in all timid and nervous looking, someone is going to figure out your game and eventually yell, "Hey those deviled eggs aren't for you!" If that happens, yell back, "I call them 'angeled eggs!'" That will hopefully baffle them enough for you to lose them by sprinting across a crowded hallway intersection like a bad guy running a red light. Prevent this horrible situation by strolling confidently to the table with the free food, grabbing a donut as if to say, "Oh, here's where I left that donut that belongs to me" and then walking away.
5. Poke.
Sometimes, the words "free" and "fresh" don't travel together when it comes to the food they give you at church. The church is on a budget. They can't be buying fancy "new" food all the time. Is it so wrong if last weeks donut's for the first time visitors become this week’s donuts for an adult Sunday School class? Yes, yes it is. That's why it's always good to poke the free food with a fork first. Chances are it will be a plastic fork and if one of the tines breaks off during your cursory investigation, get out of there. You can stick around and do a sympathy scoop if you want, but that's your call really.
The truth is, I've never had a codsicle but you dream you know? You think to yourself, how nutritious would that be? Fish, vitamins, flecks of vanilla beans frozen on a stick. And free? You can't beat free, but maybe you and I think differently.
What's your best tip on finding free food at church?
funny. codsickle, really? *shivers*
ReplyDeleteeasy enough at our church...volunteer,,,free breakfast for all volunteers every sunday.
on the other had, leave random dishes strategically so they get picked up and then put in the kitchen. That way when security stops you at the kitchen door you tell them you need to get our plate...it's like a pass into food heaven. but do test it, preferably on small kids first.
Join a women's morning Bible study or Moms' group. Us stay-at-home moms can't seem to get together without bringing muffins, brownies, quick breads, and coffee cakes to share.
ReplyDeleteCursed with a Y chromosome? Just drop by the church office afterward... the leftovers usually end up there. :)
My old church used to have the best communion wafers, not your typical crunch ones but these were unique and delicious....one day while "exploring" I found the secret stash, I was in wafer heaven.
ReplyDeleteMy Sunday School class (the college/career/married people who didn't want to join the married class) has breakfast every Sunday to start the morning. We take turns bringing it and now we know that if we drop it off in the kitchen early, we have to guard it or hide it.
ReplyDeleteNow I know to be on the look out for all those "casual joggers" who show up wearing headbands and listening to their ipods doing laps around the church. I always thought they were listening to worship music to get into the mood, but they're probably listening to spy instructional podcasts they downloaded.
I once had a salmon pop. It was pretty nasty.
ReplyDeleteMy church takes all the fun out of hunting for food by putting all out in the foyer. So no bagel secret lair for me! But when I worked in corporate, I was not above wandering the halls, looking for retirement parties. The key was to tag along with someone old. No one questions the elderly.
Don't have any good stories about free food at church. My best ever experiences with free food were while working at a doctors office. It is amazing how much quality free food was brought in, mostly by drug companies trying to influence the doctors. Since the doctors were too busy to eat it we admin staff did. The one thing the doctors did make sure to get their hands on was the krispy kreame donuts. You'd think that would be the last thing a doctor would eat but there were some that would have several in a hit!
ReplyDeletefollow college students or grad students. they can pick up the scent of free food quicker than anyone.
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky at my church theres bagels and cream cheese out every week for everyone.
as a somewhat well known member of my home church, I often use the "I just want to get to know the new people, show them around and make them feel welcome" excuse to get into newcomers taco bar lunches or what have you. also after spending some time interning at my church, raiding the kitchen after a big meeting or one of those small groups that meet during the week (that all have acronames(acronym+name=acroname)). They usually have food left over. and remember for all you Church kitchen raiders out there, if the leftover pizza has some sort of heinous combo on toppings, you can always drown it in hot sauce.
ReplyDeleteAnyone else suffer the "leftover communion eating" guilt? As a kid, my parents cooked for midweek gatherings, so I spent time in the back pantry of the church. Something about sneaking those extra wafers just felt wrong. Same thing when the elders sent home leftover loaves of communion bread. Felt sacrilegious somehow...
ReplyDeleteIt's easy at our church, We pick up Panera Bread donations on Friday night and give them out during Saturday and Sunday services. I haven't had to buy bread for months!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I teach youth Sunday School and the best we usually offer is store-bought cookies and off-brand cokes...but - right next to the coffee station in the hallway, the "median age" Sunday School class always has homemade stuff - we're talking good stuff - muffins, eggy-sausagy things, and the food is arrayed right inside the door. So, I grab some coffee, poke my head in the door to greet my fellow median-age students of the Bible, and do a surreptitious grab before heading back to hard, iced oatmeal cookie purgatory.
ReplyDeletenumber 4 is so true!!!
ReplyDeleteWe're a small church plant, but we have our priorities straight: Love God and People, Live in Community with One Another, Serve the World, and provide fresh donuts and coffee every Sunday morning. Follow the children, they have donut radar.
ReplyDeleteWent to John Burke's church this weekend. They got the free food thing down to a science. Giant vats of coffee and the good stuff - muffins and whatnot. I'll be back! Oh, and the sermon was pretty good, too.
...can't be buying fancy 'new' food all the time...classic!
ReplyDelete1. After a senior's service for egg-salad sandwiches and iced buns
2. It's been said, but after anything to do with the women - committee meeting, mum's groups, craft time...whatever. There'll be leftover treats, often homemade!
3. Avoid anything to do with the youth - there's no fancy-food money there and any food that once existed was inhaled by the teenage boys upon its entering the building
4. The staff kitchen - any good leftovers from the weekend services will end up in that fridge ready for the monday crash-day treat
5. But the biggie - and you can't say I told you - find out what night of the week your church board meets, and then drop around the sanctuary to pick up that phone number/music chart/vbs roster you just had to get that night, cause you're such a responsible and committed volunteer, right around the time they'll be finishing up. Best. Leftovers. Ever.
(word verification - scoifyin, as in "yeah man, we've got to check out the board meeting leftovers, we'll totally be scoifyin down the free food!")
Hmmm. Donuts.
ReplyDelete<-SB><
It's a bit tricky in my church. After Sunday school, all of the classes bring their leftover food to the table in the main hallway behind the sanctuary. (Not to be confused with the welcome counter in the foyer for the visitors. Ha! You just get danishes and coffee; we get yummy leftovers!) It is really a predicament of timing. I can't get there too early or too late. If I am there too early, then obviously none of the other classes have let out, so therefore no food. And I can't just stand there waiting because then I feel and probably look stupid. But on the other hand, if I get there too late, then all of the youth and the children have already attacked it, and all is left is crumbs or the sympathy scoop dish. So I guess the solution would to have a partner for some tag-teaming. We could stand by the food table, appearing to be in deep, theological conversation or prayer, and when that food hits the table from the Senior Saints class, booya! I'm there.
ReplyDeleteSince our church started meeting in the evening vs. meeting in the morning...my donut consumption has dropped by 89%.
ReplyDeleteIn desperation you can raid the communion prep room. Yes, those crackers taste like dry wall, but if you eat the cracker and juice at the same time you can pretend it's a runny pop tart.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, if it weren't for Sundays in Christendom the entire doughnut industry would go belly up.
Just watch the announcements in the newspaper. They tell when churches are having potlucks all the time. Then you can coincidentally visit that day. Oh my, you're having dinner today? I didn't bring a dish. They'll practically beg you to stay and eat.
ReplyDeleteTip: if you're going to do this regularly, make sure you know the name and address of a friend, perhaps someone who needs to get back in church. Then you can put their info on the visitors card. You'll get the food, skip the Tuesday evening unannounced visit, and they'll be guilted into going to church next week. It's win-win. Just don't let your friend know it was you.
WV: ikgdawac - what you say when talking to that nice old lady (the one whose food you just took a sympathy scoop from) when she asks how is it right after you cram the ss into your mouth all in one bite.
Nice little old lady to Jon: How is the mystery meat casserole, Fred?
Jon, aka Fred: Ikgdawac, while nodding his head.
At my church, you have to get to church early on sundays, like 7 am, when one of the elders cooks for the ushers and worship team. They're the only crazy people who show up on sundays at 7 am.
ReplyDeleteNever mistake the children's snacks for the free food. One year in VBS it took me most of the week to find the secret snack lair for volunteers (I was one) so while I could have been spending all week eating bagels and fresh fruit and drinking coffe, I ended up with bootleg cookies and orange drink. Nasty.
ReplyDeleteyou guys are lucky - we used to get cookies after the services, but due to budgetary constraints they got canned.
ReplyDeleteIf you want free meals you just invite yourself to the family with the most kids (in our church that would be the one with 7) and just say: " Hey guys, can I join you for lunch, we haven't seen each other in ages socially."
Yes--the ADULT VBS snacks at our church are mmmm, mmmm, good!
ReplyDeleteThe other 2 places to get good treats: the senior adult lunch (best lunch I have each month!), and if you are on staff at a church, you have it made. Free food. All the time. People keep the staff WELL fed!
I love love love that you used the phrase "season of free food".
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I'm currently being spoiled by being in an 11am Sunday morning Starting Point group at North Point.... that means free (second) breakfast as well as coffee if I'm fast enough. When that ends, I'll be so lost. So lost, in fact, I may need a Starting Point group. Hmm....
I don't know why, but no matter how much I make, free food and T-shirts put me back to my 20 year-old self. I'll bring a darn cooler if I can get away with it.
Make friends with the office staff.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, we end up with soooo many leftover trays of cookies (usually of the bootleg variety, but who am I to complain?), brownies, pound cakes, and donuts from Bible studies and interest meetings that we end up trying to pawning them off to the church members that frequent the office.
Wow. If your blog weren't helpfully titled "Stuff Christians Like" I would say that being this funny was a sin. This is the second blog of yours that I've linked to my facebook account in order to share the hilarity. I grew up swamped by churches and religious thinking and this is such a refreshing take on all that.
ReplyDeletefor sure, my church uses free food as the bait to get people involved in ministry. the welcoming committee gives goodies and twice a month or so, will treat newcomers to lunch (so, i guess being a newcomer = free food?). the church will provide meals during meetings. when the church invited a missionary to speak, they also offered lunch at bertucci's with the missionary and some of the pastors. it was a good "incentive" but apparently not good enough as the crowd was small. but good for those of us who went because fewer people = more food.
ReplyDeleteThat's pretty HILARIOUS!
ReplyDeleteas a PK- I know where all the free food is.... haha. that's why i weighed as much as a small elephant
Follow the worship team.
ReplyDeleteSunday school room supply cabinet. That is where the eternal supply of raisins and goldfish crackers resides. This comes in handy if you are at church during the week for one reason or another, and need a little snacky snack. Goldfishes. So delicious.
ReplyDeleteVolunteer to help with clean-up after a potluck dinner. A lot of people just abandon their food when they go home, and the ladies cleaning up will inevitably say, "Would you eat [fill in the blank]? Why don't you take some of these rolls home with you?"
ReplyDeleteI think the key is not to necessarily follow a volunteer, but to track down a staff member. They have the in, and they have the keys. I, as a staff member of our church, have someone constantly asking me every week where the bagels are. And I know.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. They had a "Dessert Buffet" at our Church to get people to go to the 2pm service the day before Easter. It's wasn't all it was cracked up to be!
ReplyDeleteOur old Church had refreshments halfway through the service. Unfortunately that was one of their few strong suits...
After we were first married we attended a "Mega Church" and they always had free food---Big Meals with the Classes they offered, Doughnuts after Church...I wonder what they are offering in the midst of a recession?
Hilarious! My kids aren't pastors' kids, but they can sniff out the free donuts a mile away. Even when our church temporarily discontinued the donut ministry due to budget constraints, my daughter still managed to find the "secret stash." And my son, when he was around 4, thought donuts were why we went to church. I blogged about it at the time.
ReplyDeletehttp://accidentalthinker.com/2007/04/23/where-donuts-come-from/
Act like you're blood sugar is really low and tell them you need something to eat, particularly whatever you're hungry for. If they look at you funny, tell them past experiences of not receiving the food requested, like yelling out things or running laps in the service.
ReplyDeletewith respect, old ladies. There are plenty of them and they seem to always be heading to or from a potluck.
ReplyDeleteAh. Free food. That takes me back to my post-college days, when I once lived for a week on the combination of a judicious trip to the Sizzler salad bar, a handful of Ziploc bags, and a very large purse.
ReplyDeleteOur church focuses on donuts, with occasional visits from the In-n-Out truck. But the staff guy who puts out the donuts steals most of the chocolate old-fashioneds before putting the box out (we've seen him do it). He must live on them for the coming week. My husband will go to great sneaky lengths to snag a chocolate old-fashioned, but most weeks it just doesn't happen. Sad.
As a former PK myself, I can remember the ultimate score was the left over communion grape juice!
ReplyDeleteI've never had codsicles, but what about chickensicles?
ReplyDeleteWe were camping at CreationFest with the youth group (a 5-day Christian music festival in Eastern Washington; temp is in the high 90s usually), and had used dry ice in some of the coolers in hopes of keeping the end-of-week meals free of food-poisoning-inducing microbes. It worked a little too well - we ended up feeding 80+ teenagers pre-cooked chicken strips that were frozen solid.
The kids kept trying to defrost the strips by laying them out to bake on the hoods of the leaders' cars.
so now I go to an Episcopalian church. It is literally REQUIRED that the people who serve bread and wine (not grapejuice) disappear after communion and eat the leftovers.
ReplyDeletei REALLY must be going Catholic...i just felt guilty using the word 'leftovers'
haha that is awesome! well one thing that my church does is on Friday nights after our college group (of about 1500) they pull out food for us and its all free! and i am not talking like pizza but like chicken salads, chilli, sandwiches, cookies (for later) ect with lots of drinks and it truly is the best food ever! Everyone grabs food and then hangs out for however long. :)
ReplyDeleteMy church is small, I've been there for years, I know where all the food is. There isn't that much though. After communion is the best. My grandma makes the bread, afterwards I go to the kitchen, ask for the ziploc bag *wink wink* then its yummy heaven. everything else is stale.
ReplyDeleteBible Study or RCIA - they always have food.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI found something similar to your codsickle http://logopond.com/gallery/detail/67999
ReplyDeleteSteve - Panera is so legit! One location not only hires tons of our summer missionaries, they give us giant bags of baked goods. Their reward in heaven shall be great.
ReplyDeleteIn seeking free food, you must either possess a heart of stone or be ready to get yourself into all sorts of Christian hijinks. I went to a missions info session for the free pizza, and now I'm leaving for India in two days. But in all seriousness, I'm really excited to be going and grateful to have been lured in by the Holy Spirit and cheesy goodness.
Codsicle? Eww...
ReplyDeleteAt my church, the choir and orchestra get free bagels, pasteries, and coffee on Sunday mornings. I always make sure I get to church early enough so I have time to eat my bagel before I have to grab my choir folder or tune my instrument (I do both choir and orchestra...I'm a church music double threat, lol).
Oh, I forgot to mention that we get Panera bagels. Panera makes some of the best bagels on earth. :)
ReplyDeleteAs a church staff member, I concur with the many who identified the "staff kitchen" as the place to hit. At the conclusion of any ministry related feeding, someone will inevitably say, "ooh - save those leftovers - I bet the staff will eat it." And it's true. A dish made of 50% mayonnaise which has been out for a 3 hour Bible study will likely be eaten by the staff. And even when the item has gotten too crusty to cut with a plastic fork, the guys on the Jr. High ministry staff or the Tech team are probably willing to give it a go.
ReplyDeleteOn an unrelated note - may I encourage us all to remember that there is no "free" food in church. When you munch that goldfish cracker, or carve a hunk off that coffee cake, you are eating someone's tithes and offerings. The only way to really acknowledge that faithfully is to immediately use the caloric energy you've gained to go out and witness, feed the homeless or sign up for usher duty.
At our church, I would advise giving out a notice along these lines: "Would all the kids club and youth group congregate [somewhere at the opposite side of the church to the food] IMMEDIATELY after the service for a meeting about [something that sounds fun-ish but also important]."
ReplyDeleteThe kids run off to their very important meeting, and you head out the back of the church to morning tea, secure in the knowledge that you will not have to fight them for the mini-savouries, the chocolate biscuits, and the pikelets.
If you really want to sell your soul for some free church food...
ReplyDelete1. Become a Secondary Youth Volunteer- Not a Swiss Army Volunteer, just one they call for the big stuff. The big stuff always involves pizza, burgers, or hot dogs. If it's summer, you may get ice cream.
2. Befriend the Old Ladies- Move a couch on a Saturday, or put up a ridiculously large Christmas tree for them, and the cookies will flow for the rest of the year, in exchange for slightly uncomfortable updates on your life (they tend to ask all of the relationship questions, but hey, it's grandma cookies, so it's worth it).
3. Raid the Children's Ministry- Can you say "Animal Crackers and Goldfish"?
And a Codsickle sounds almost as gross as that gross combination of dairy, meat, wild insect, pocket contents, and chocolate that every great youth event provides for the few willing souls. I might post about that one of these days, mine included potted meat.
as a pk myself, i second "make friends with the the pks." we knew where all the goodies were hidden at :D
ReplyDeleteduring our 3 Sunday services, we have a few volunteers's and a pastor stay in our narthex in case someone comes out in need of prayer or some other pressing need during a service. Very honorable....However this is also the time when the fine women of the hospitality ministry are setting up the coffee and pastries for after the service, so a hard working volunteer might get to pray with a new believer and get the first cup of coffee brewed that day! double win!!!!
ReplyDeleteMy sunday school class meets in my pastor's living room. I'm pretty sure half my class shows up about 5 minutes early so they can raid the fridge during the time between the pastor leaving for his sunday school duties and his wife, our sunday school teacher, coming back over from greeting folks at the church. Of course, my family is always a good 10 minutes late, so I can't prove anything....
ReplyDeleteOur Sunday School class the unforgivable isn't not studying the lesson but forgetting it was your turn to bring doughnuts.
ReplyDeleteThere is usually leftover food in the staff refrigerator or in the big kitchen fridges. But getting into the big kitchen is the trick. Not even all the pastors have keys!
There is also the leftover communion breat--the Hawaiian bread that is sweet and the leftover juice in the sacristy.
WV repend. It is sort of like repent. But not quite
This is off topic... but it just occurred to me: the hookah. Its totally the new cool thing for Christian twenty-somethings...it's ALMOST smoking...but not! So it's totally allowed. And looks super cool in you and your roomates' room. Haha. Sick. (I know you could word this so much better)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the tips, Jon!
ReplyDeleteI don't have any tips for scamming free food at church, but I do enjoy sneaking into the retirement parties here at work. There are probably 20,000 people in this area and all events are published in a daily news email:
-Blood Mobile will be here Tuesday.
-It's Hawaiian Day in the Cafeteria.
-Joe Jenkins is retiring...join us for donuts & coffee to wish him well.
See, I don't have to know these people because they are clearly inviting ME to partake of the goodies. Right?
Ok so I am not at church but work. The first secretary walked by with a 2 heaping plates of donuts. I said "You must be hungry" she laughed and I went back to what I was doing; Secretly wishing she would've offered one to me. Then suddenly another girl came this time she had 2 plates heaping with delectable pastries and high carb treats. I slowly looked up as if trying "to ask with my eyes" and she offered me a bear claw! Victory.
ReplyDeleteI've been gauging the current economic condition by how often vendors give presentations to our office and what they bring for everyone to eat. The theory is that as the economy gets better, the food gets better and more frequent.
ReplyDeleteFor the last few months, there hasn't been anything, but, good news everybody, someone's coming by next week and they're bringing Quizno's.
Actually, when one is say living in a different town for college, then you visit various places before making some discoveries. Like finding the churches that have monthly meals. I know some guys that know things like "Such-and-such church has meals after church every 1st sunday of the month, the church just a block and a half from school has coffee and doughnuts before the early service, but not many remain for the following services..." it goes on like that. It often gets discussed at school... because this post could very well be Things Bible College Students Like.
ReplyDeleteOne word: nursery. The check-in station, or staff counter, or whatever you have, is where they keep the goldfish and animal crackers for snacks (a non-negotiable must-have for little guys). Leave your shame at the door and move quickly, and you shall have those crackers as your own.
ReplyDeleteMake friends with the church secretary. You know, the Most Powerful Person in the Building? I know where *all* the free food is. And if you are nice to me, I might tell you where I keep the cookies.
ReplyDeleteWORK AT VBS.
ReplyDeleteOur church keeps a small basket in the kitchen of "teacher snacks," but this year I found the room (ROOM) where they keep alllll of the food for all of the snacks for the whole week. It was amazing!