A lady I work with once enlightened me, “You just wait until you have kids.” I’m not sure what she thought would magically happen the instant I became a father, but it didn’t (apparently). I know this because at the time she uttered her prophetic words to me, I already had two kids… precisely twice as many as she had.
My guess is she thought having kids would make me more wise, more mature, more patient… more something. She had an expectation about what parenthood would change about life. A lot of Christians do too. And it’s not insignificant:
We think the birth of our children will reveal to us the very face of God.
While you might not use those exact words, at some point, someone in your Christian circle of friends has said one of the following things to you:
“I really didn’t know God until I had kids.”
“When I became a father, I finally understood how hard it was for God to send Christ to the cross.”
“Being a mother—witnessing the miracle of life—radically changed my understanding of God’s love.”
There’s a million ways to express “Kids = Big Faith.” And if you’re single or childless, there has to be a part of you that thinks, “Fantastic! The missing link in my faith is having a kid. I have zero kids and zero prospects. I’ll just be over here with my small, incomplete faith. Awesome.”
Good news. It’s not true. Bad news? It also is. On some level, having a kid can show you God’s miraculous love. Some Bible verses support this notion that having a kid puts faith into a unique context. “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11) That verse makes more sense if you’re seeing it unfold in your own child’s life.
However, we also way over-amplify what we expect our children to do for our faith. I personally have (many times) essentially said to my children, “OK, dad had a really bad day at work. Tonight I need you to show me God’s perfect and true love. I know you’re only two, but Daddy needs you to reconnect him in his relationship with Yahweh. Is that cool with you? You’re drooling. I’ll accept that as an emphatic yes.”
Those nights typically also coincide with the times my kids try to break me down like little terrorists. Fits are thrown, fights erupt, demands are made. The most menial tasks incite battle cries: “I do myself, I do myself!” One would assume applying the toothpaste to your child’s toothbrush when they want to do it themselves is not a cry-worthy, scream-inducing offense, but you’d be gravely mistaken.
Does God show up in parenthood? I sure hope so. Are kids a walking, talking daily reminder of Jesus? Not always. And if you go into parenthood expecting that, you’ll be sorely disappointed… or at the bare minimum, covered with pink bubble gum-flavored princess toothpaste.
ahh but doesn't it grow our faith on those ""bad" days that they will ever make it to adulthood? especially id i can catch them...lol. kids are amazing, even in those moments. would not trade it for the world.
ReplyDeleteI can just hear myself say "Now I know how God feels dealing with us..."
ReplyDeleteThere's something to be said about making everything in life a spiritual application or illustration. Sure everything can be, but sometimes we just need to be normal and live life. Unbelievers can tell when we're over acting too. Kind of like the candidate for associate pastor, on Sunday he wouldn't look at the hymns at all, he'd look around while singing to show us, "I know what I'm doing."
I just found out I'm pregnant and due in January. Thanks for this, I'm going to share it with my husband. :)
ReplyDeleteMy 6 year old daughter is a great reminder of God and His expectations. I snapped at her the other day and she started crying and said,
ReplyDelete"you need to tell Jesus you're sorry and apologize to me, too!"
She wasn't being arrogant or haughty either.
She was right.
Here's what being a parent has taught me. There is nothing my children can ever do, literally nothing, that can make me love them any more or any less than I already do. Knowing Christ feels the same way about me is amazing.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I could add a typical "christian" response, but I won't. Great post! And the toothpaste thing really hit home with me. My 4 year old wants to brush his teeth by himself every night.
ReplyDelete4 yo brushing own teeth = top front 2 teeth getting clean, alot of sucking the toothpaste and water off the brush, and nothing else.
Here's my perspective as a father and grandfather: I came to understand God's love, patience and forgiveness for us - in part because of the immediate love I had for these children, without knowing one thing about who they were going to be - and because I want the best, not the easiest, for each of them. I agonize with their sorrow and delight in their joy. These things give me a glimpse of how the Father sees me. What a comfort.
ReplyDeleteI didn't want kids, was going to go without that string in my faith bow. God had different ideas.
ReplyDeleteI used to struggle with my self worth, and people used to tell me that I was a child of God and that I was special to him, but if we are all children of God how does that make me special.
Then I had a child, nothing is more precious to me. Then I understood how precious it is to be someone's child, to be a child of God.
I think lucky for me I didn't go into parenthood expecting mini Jesus, I expected it to be all screaming about the toothpaste, imagine my surprise that it is not all like that.
Wow. You hit the nail on the head when you said that single people are sick of hearing that line about not really knowing/understanding God til you have kids. Can't tell you how many times I've heard that.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for blowing up the misconception on that one. I've always suspected it wasn't completely true, because I don't recall Paul having kids...and he was pretty deep in his relationship with God.
I'm sharing this one for sure. It's so right on.
wv: gleeter - a gleeful cheater
The "me do myself" with the toothpaste I was able to handle. I'm not so sure how I'll be when the "me do myself" comes to driving. :) I do have a feeling my prayer life will increase in leaps and bounds though.
ReplyDeleteKids representing God/faith is also a cool deal for Christians because it totally equates abortion with atheism. Bonus points there brother.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Holly! I don't have any kids of my own (I'm still single), but I have been a foster parent and have definitely learned a lot about God through that experience. I have also learned a lot about God through my father having cancer, training for a half marathon and a miriad of other experiences.
ReplyDeleteI truly believe that parenting is one way for know God, but if it were the only way, or even the best way, then it would just seem cruel to not allow everyone to experience that.
And when I think of all the people in scripture, and since, that have had deep intimate relationships with the Lord, plenty of them (Paul, Mother Theresa...that one is kind of ironic...) didn't have children. And still others may have had them (Peter, St. Augustine) but didn't use them as the benchmark for their faith.
Let's just all agree that we serve a Big God that reveals Himself to each of us all the time in all kinds of amazing ways!
I wonder how married people, and parents, would feel if the majority of Christian culture shifted from "You'll understand when you are married" or "you'll know God like never before WHEN you have kids" to constantly saying:
ReplyDelete"Since I am single and you are married you will unfortunately never know God like I do. You have an earthly spouse to depend on, but thankfully I am in a place of totally depending on the Lord, not a person, to provide for all of my spiritual, physical and emotional needs. You will just never be able to know Him like I do".
That would be sad. But, as a single person, sometimes I feel like couples and parents feel like they know a God that I am simply waiting to experience, and can't until I have the things that they do.
I just want to know Him. I don't care what path He chooses to get me to Him, I'll follow whatever He lays before me.
Good post. Much appreciated. The Christian community makes too much out be fruitful and multiply as the epitome of adult mature Christian life.
ReplyDeleteWhere does that leave single folks or in our case infertile couples? We had well intentioned people at our church imply that when our faith was stronger, we'd get pregnant. While nothing is impossible with God, it seems highly unlikey given our medical realities. The woman said all the infertile women in the bible got pregnant.
I asked about her infertility experience, she said it took them 6 months to get pregnant. My reply, "That's not infertility, that's impatience". When compared to our 5+ years experience, it just struck me as dishonest.
Anyway my long rambling point is that God has used our infertility to bring us to places in my faith that I don't think I would have learned otherwise. I've learned that it's pretty easy to be an insensitive jerk when you talk about things you don't fully understand, so I need to be more sensitive, listen more, know my audience, realize God has different plans for different people, etc, etc, etc ...
Does God use kids? He sure does, but God is pretty good about using life. If yours doesn't include kids there will be plenty of other opportunities for Him. He's creative like that.
Of course it all pales in comparrison to the true understanding of God's love you gain when you adopt a child. Afterall we're all God's adopted sons and daughters, so you'll REALLY understand God's love when you adopt. ; )
Until then I'll just love on you sweaty incomplete heathens ....
Razzle Dazzle
In my experience, it's blue bubble gum flavored Sponge Bob toothpaste.
ReplyDeleteBeside the point. I rarely see Jesus in my kids during waking hours. It happens, but rearely. My sensory seeking four year old thinks he's a superhero chef and is constantly bouncing/wiggling/spinning/clapping like a wind-up toy. My 2 year old daughter won't stay in one place for more than 10 seconds. We think she has ADD. But when they sleep... they're so peaceful. That's where I see God in my kids - because I think God does the same in our lives. He talks all the craziness of our lives and transforms it into something calm and wonderful.
Thank God I'm not the only one that has experienced the "Toothpaste Incident."
ReplyDeleteGood to know I'm not alone.
Wow - Darooda...
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine someone really being THAT insensitive - or really having so little understanding of the stories in the Bible. I'm so sorry! (Sounds like you handled it well, though!)
Makes me want to hope that somehow that attitude comes back around to bite her. (I know Christians don't believe in karma, but sometimes I sure do hope for "justice.")(I think we just just had a post on not being judgmental, though, so I'll try not to go there.)
Aside from the just plain meanness of someone saying all that to you, the comment that "all the infertile women in the Bible got pregnant" is just silly.
All those infertile women who got pregnant were only mentioned precisely BECAUSE of the miracle that happened. Otherwise we wouldn't know them. There were PLENTY of infertile women living in Bible times who never had children because it wasn't in God's plan for them to do so. The Bible isn't some sort of exhaustive list of all the people who ever lived, and all the miracles performed. Yes, it was God's plan for women like Hannah and Sarah to be infertile for a time so that he could be glorified through the miracle of their giving birth. But that isn't the way he chooses to work in all of us.
God's purpose is so much bigger than the physical. Jesus didn't heal every single person on earth, and even those he DID heal eventually (obviously) died at some point - he didn't just keep bringing people back to life indefinitely. Physical healing is not a litmus test for faith, nor is it God's ultimate plan.
Well said, Jon, and there are some absolutely amazing comments today. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to remind me that God reveals himself in ALL lives and in ALL circumstances. How beautiful.
ReplyDeleteOh, amen. I (a married woman without children) have also been told that not having kids is sinning since God told man to "be fruitful and multiply." Hm.
ReplyDeleteas a stay-at-home mother of three children under the age of 4.5 and homemaker (who at one time wanted to be the next Lisa Ling) i've reflected on this many times. in my personal experience...
ReplyDeletemy children bring out the very best and the very worst in me...
and so does God.
i was the sweetest and most patient person ever before i had two kids who have what one might call "strong personalities". they can push me off the deep end before 7:45 in the AM. thankfully, God had mercy on us and our third child is nice and mellow most of the time.
on the other hand, before i had children, i had no idea what it felt like to love so deeply and sacrifice so much for someone else.
and you're right--having children doesn't make you that much different from who you were before. your childless friends just think you've changed because your priorities have changed.
I have 4 kids. I love them dearly but I'd say more often than not they are a walking (or crawling) daily reminder of how fallen I am. When I get so angry with them for not doing what they should be doing or destroying something or ... Trust me when I say I'm glad God is not a man like unto us.
ReplyDeleteand i forgot to say that disciples who have children and those who do not for whatever reason are equally as important.
ReplyDeleteGod knows it's much easier to go out and go crazy places and stay gone for years and pretty much be able to do whatever He asks you to do when you're single and childless. it makes me nuts when my single and childless friends whine about having responsibilities (car payments and cell phone bills?) when they have the freedom to do *whatever* they want for God without being accountable or responsible for anyone else.
if you're single and childless--now is the time to be a Jesus Freak! once you have kids, your life becomes about them for the most part. there are many good reasons not have kids....for some it was meant to be, and some it wasn't. now i'm rambling...and off subject
ok the toothpaste thing happened to me last night... and it was almost a spiritual experience... I was literally ready to send my daughter to Jesus early! however I gritted my teeth and wiped the toothpaste off my hands and jeans after trying to fend off my daughter's waving arms and fussing about what kind of toothpaste she was using.
ReplyDeleteIt is too weird that you brought that up today !
Just a thought, but I think this post would be the perfect time to recycle the picture of your daughters covered in blue makeup. I'm still hoping your wife let you use it as the Christmas card photo.
ReplyDelete@Trish - the irony of your scenario is that more than half the adults in the U.S. aren't currently married (never married/divorced/widowed/whatever) and, of course, that the church looks *very* different from that in most cases.
ReplyDeleteBut this post shouldn't be co-opted into a repeat of last Monday, fun as that was. My thoughts:
-Does this attitude get people anticipating some magic faith lightbulb to come on when they become parents, and if so, how badly does it mess them up when they realize they still have spiritual mysteries to be untangled after they've changed their first thousand diapers? I hate that we create stumbling blocks like that for people.
-How much better would it be for the entire Body of Christ if we could learn to affirm God's hand in *all* the circumstances he gives us?
My kids are big ol' mirrors to my own sin, without all the pretenses and justifications. More often than not, I have to confess and repent the identical sin in my life before I bring correction to my kids. Unless of course, they're revealing my husband's sins. Then I say, "That's exactly what you do, heathen!"
ReplyDeleteThen I have to repent for that, too.
Oh, my little heart is so sensitive to stories of children and parenthood lately. We've been trying. To no avail as of yet.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing that the impatient, selfish, independent child reminds me of is myself. If that little kid is a stubborn brat, isn't that how I react so often with God?
@ darooda
ReplyDeleteThank you for perfectly summing up my experiences as a fellow infertile.
I certainly would not have chosen this for myself but it is teaching me about what it really means to give up your life for Him.
His plans are always better than my plans...I have said that many times before but when faced with actually believing it and surrendering my will for His...everything changed.
I didn't really want kids or plan on them. My life, I felt, would have been fine without them.
ReplyDeleteBut way back when, I read an essay by the late Mike Yaconelli in which he closed by saying that if you were given an opportunity to get married, you should do so, because there were aspects of the nature of God you could only learn by being married. And if you had the opportunity to have kids, you should do so, for the same reason.
So, after I had been married enough years that people had stopped making the "when are you gonna have kids" jokes, I shrugged and tossed away the birth control. And didn't get pregnant. And that was fine with me.
And four years later, I did get pregnant, to my surprise. Child #2 was 2 years after that.
My kids are now 12 and 14. We didn't have the toothpaste issue (or I've blocked it), but the agony caused if I gave them the wrong shape or flavor of gummy vitamin cannot be believed.
All this to say, Mr. Yaconelli was right. And it's not so much what I learned from my children in those early years, but what I learned through having to be the parent, the grown-up, through having to trash my own agenda and desires and priorities and availability and money.
It seems as if most folks here w/ kids have younger kids. Just wait till they start to grow up, have their own opinions, develop their gifts, become the people God meant them to be -- I'm finding *now* is the time I'm starting to learn from them. Toothbrush wars may be stressful, but they end... and contrary to popular expectation, I am finding the teenage (and tweenage) years to be truly awesome.
So glad I took that leap of faith and listened to Mr. Yaconelli's advice. And who knows, maybe someone will have the same reaction to this post and make the same kind of decision that will totally change their life...
I feel that being single into your 30s gives you an amazing perspective on God, and what it is to long for Him.
ReplyDeleteI also learn a lot from kids, and fully believe parents who say that they are closer to God than they used to be before they were parents.
I think this is the secret: if you are seeking after God with your whole heart, He will reveal Himself to you. And maybe one reason He put more than one person in the world is so He could reveal Himself in lots of different situations, and we could swap stories about how awesome He is everywhere and anytime.
Leave it to us to turn that into a "Who's the greatest?" conversation instead.
Thanks for addressing this! I had a dear friend who was devastated by something someone told her insensitively on her 30th birthday as a single. She was meeting with her two prayer partners on her birthday, and the one woman was very encouraging to her, telling her that at 30, the wisdom part of the brain only begins developing. The other woman snorted and said "You'll never really be wise until you have children."
ReplyDeleteMy friend was so hurt and angry over this, that it permanently affected her relationship with this woman...effectively, by saying that, the woman had slammed the door on their friendship, placing a big sign on the door that said "You can't come here unless you have kids."
We all speak insensitively from time to time, and singles not less than other people. How often have I thought in my heart towards my young married friends "yes, but you don't REALLY understand...you've never been my age and single, you and your husband were lucky enough to meet in college/high school/pre-30's"?
Darooda....I totally get where you are coming from with the IF issue. We struggled for years with IF while being in the ministry. In spite of what I knew of God, I still questioned if I brought all this on myself or was it punishment, etc. All the stuff that goes through ones mind that is going through infertility....even when you are truly walking with the Lord. God used that difficult time in our lives to help us cling to him in ways we never had before. And while I wouldn't have chosen it I wouldn't trade it either. He used adoption to complete our family and we got the picture that you seemed to communicate....God's unconditional love...so much so that he would make us his very own children. In regards to churchy people making comments about a lack of faith and infertility: sometimes I think we Christians feel like we have to always have an answer or a solution....sounds more spiritual that way I suppose.
ReplyDeleteThis is so right on!
ReplyDeleteI'm quite sure that God will use any situation we find ourselves in to teach us about Himself. He meets us wherever we are in life. The you-won't-really-know-God-until-x attitude is completely prideful.
BTW, I've called my children "little terrorists" more than once. Glad I'm not the only one. And what IS it with the toothpaste anyway? Do they think they'll stop existing as people if they can't do it themselves?
I really like Thursday's comment.
ReplyDeleteIt is true that children can help us understand different aspects of God. And I believe people when they say "I never understood ___ about God until I had children".
The problem we have (both parents and non-parents) is when we think that means it is the only way for God to reveal himself.
A person who says "You'll never ___ until you have children" is saying something that he/she could not possibly know. (And remember, the person saying that might have just used a poor choice of words or wasn't thinking clearly - we don't need to assume that it came from arrogance, and we don't need to be so quick to take offense)
My kids do not in any way show me God. What they do is show me over and over again how profoundly selfish I am, how limited my own love is, and how much harder my calling is than I want it to be. God uses them certainly I consider them God's little advanced seminar in getting over myself so I can be more open to what HE wants to do.
ReplyDeleteLove the blog, John.
My kids will need counseling for having had me as a mom. Or amnesia.
ReplyDeleteBefore I had kids the concept of God the Father was never something I thought about. It just was. It wasn't until I had kids that I got a deeper understanding of why that particular role was the one God chose. He could've been God the Emperor, the Chieftain...whatever. But I didn't begin to grasp what the concept of God as my Heavenly turly meant until I was able to experience both sides of the parent/child relationship. Which is not to say that I think in anyway I'm even remotely the kind of parent God is or even wants me to be. I'm just saying I got a whole new idea of who Abba Father is once I had kids myself.
ReplyDeleteWhat Paul said...
ReplyDeleteMy kids big thing was "I can't want to!!" and always said in the shrillest, loudest, little girl voice you can imagine. Why can kids reach voice volumes that are so painful? We should play that business over loudspeakers to flush out Bin Laden. We'd take him down in no time.
I remember the "I do myself" phase. I do that now to God. And then when He's had enough of me, I go in timeout. It sucks.
As someone who is single, I sometimes ask my married friends if they learn anything new about God after a) getting married or b) having kids. It's not a question I ask out of jealously, merely just curiosity. Reading the responses here has been a blast because so many of you have had some great insights in having kids, through infertility, or just in being single. God wants to teach each of us right where we're at whether we're married or single, and it's sad when people think you don't qualify for God to show you something because you don't fit in with their expectations.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Dusty
ReplyDelete"Thank God I'm not the only one that has experienced the "Toothpaste Incident."
Good to know I'm not alone."
I gave this little guy everything I had. I provided for him, I raised him, I protected him, I fed him, I saw his potential and did all I could to bring it about.
ReplyDeleteI KNEW that he knew the right things to do because I had taught him and seen him obey, but I was awestruck as he openly defied me time and again. He knew better; it was flat-out rebellion. He had zero appreciation for all I had sacrificed to make him who he was. He tested me. He raged against me. He frustrated me and made me angry, often to the point of tears.
The day I realized I loved him anyway is the day I slapped my own forehead "coulda-had-a-V8"-style and figured out the lesson.
I don't have kids. I volunteer as a puppy raiser for a local guide dog school.
Singles, don't listen to people who imply you have to be married and raising children to "get it." It's amazing what God will use to teach us about who He is, and about who we are in relation to Him. He will use your gifts, your passion, and your service. Just keep your eyes open.
Of course you don't have to parent children to know God,in the sense of intimacy and true living faith. No.
ReplyDeleteBUT.
I can say from having 4 little ones at this point, that in my life, there has been absolutely no better way for ME to learn what it means to put my own needs aside.
You must and you will - if you're any kind of decent parent. And of course you are.
Yes - dying to yourself.
I'm far more patient (in general) than when I had no kids. I no longer get (as!) cranky if I miss a few hours of sleep or a meal. I could go on, but suffice to say that having kids does teach you SOMETHING...many things.
What Thursday said.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate all of the comments here that remind us that God meets us where we are. There are so many ways and circumstances that He can use to reveal himself to us and draw us closer to him. It would be sad to think that He could only do that for those who are parents.
ReplyDeleteIf I could change my own situation with infertility, I certainly would. But I would want to keep everything that God has shown me about His love and grace during this time.
I'm thankful that the Lord reveals himself in unique and specific ways to parents, singles, and childless couples!
I like seeing my kids worship, and loving others. But mostly, loving my kids helps me to understand God's love for me a little bit better. Especially when they're being brats. Or really thick-headed. Like I can be.
ReplyDeleteI think having kids is God's way of showing us the truth to the verse - for all have sinned. Not only in the lives of my kids, but even more in my own life. Just looking at some of those fruits of the spirit. Peace, yeah right - with three kids fighting. Patience - sure gets tested every night when I get home. If anything, kids make me far more aware of my own faults and weaknesses. But, that brings me closer to God as well.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that my daughter is actually a constant reminder of God for me. Not that she shows me the love, but that I show her. I kinda take on the role of (dare I say) God or Jesus while she takes on the role of, well, me. Sometimes I love God, I talk to Him, obey Him, snuggle Him (I guess, not sure what the spiritual equivalent of snuggling is). And then sometimes I want to do it my way, I purposely disobey Him, I think nothing will go wrong when I do it my way but it always does. Finally, when I do screw up, sometimes I run right Him, sometimes I hide in shame for a bit first.
ReplyDeleteThose are al the things my daughter does to me too. Course, biggest difference is that God is perfect and has perfect love for me. He's omni-everything, I'm not. But it's still a good model for me to practice love. Every day. With my daughter, like He does with me.
my kids aren't Jesus to me; but I am to them. I try to remember that I am the first impression of a loving, gracious, unselfish authority in their lives, who only wants the absolute best for them. While that includes healthy teeth, it doesn't include a mom who headlocks them while she scrubs their teeth like a sandblaster. I'm not really looking for things to learn about God from them; I'm praying constantly as I try to show God to them.
ReplyDeleteSingle people have to worry about showing God to friends, family, and coworkers that they hopefully see after having a lot of coffee; parents have to deal with showing God to tiny immature people who run screaming into the bathroom while you are occupying it with a newspaper. Even my most devoted single friends admit that would be quite a challenge.
Honestly, I most often see God in my kids that they are still living at the end of the day. We have a loud, strong-willed family. Much is handled with loud voices or force. I never thought life would be like this. I think about how God feels about me, what I could so see as His frustration and yet he still loves me. That's where I see God. (I also think this is easily transferable to other relationships in our lives for those who are single &/or without kids.)
ReplyDelete