Recently, a reader asked me if I would write a response she could send all her well meaning friends and family members that forward her Christian-flavored chain emails. She asked if I would help her “Break the Chains.”
I thought that was a funny idea and decided to take a stab at it. But because crazy Christian forwarded emails come in so many different varieties, I felt like the best plan was to write it “Mad Lib” style where you can pick the most appropriate phrase or word to drop into the email if you want to send it. Without further ado, here’s my attempt to break the chains:
Dear (friend, turbo religious relative, lady at church that somehow got my email address),
It’s great to hear from you. It’s been (a month, a week, about 30 seconds) since you last included me on an email forward. This one was (funny, poignant, gross). I was unaware that there was a poem written by a five-year old that answered the question (does God cry?, do animals go to heaven?, were there unicorns on Noah’s ark?).
I appreciate you sharing the (official prayer for marriages, the real meaning of Flag Day, lyrics to the Christmas Shoes song).
Had I known that (Jesus would bless me if I sent this email to seven people, a politician was trying to do that, kitten photos could be combined so perfectly with Bible verses) I would have immediately notified everyone I know as well.
I look forward to (signing that online petition, praying for a hoax that was exposed on snopes.com in 2004, or unleashing the waves of righteous fury you hinted at).
I’m not completely convinced that (a new movie, a new song, a new dance craze) is officially the fourth horseman of the apocalypse but I appreciate your passion to root out that last elusive equine harbinger of the final days.
Thanks again for the email. I look forward to many more. In the meantime, I’ll be reading stuffchristianslike.net. That guy needs some serious prayer and if you read the site seven times you get new rims on your car. I don’t know how he does it, but you’ll be sitting on 20s before you know it and like TI can just live your life.
Side hugs and Razzle Dazzle
(Insert your name)
p.s. I’ve included the recipe for miracles which I found online as an added bonus. Enjoy:
Ingredients:
1 part of knowing who you are
1 part of knowing who you aren't
1 part of knowing what you want
1 part of knowing who you wish to be
1 part of knowing what you already have
1 part of choosing wisely from what you have
1 part of loving and thanking for ALL you have
Instructions:
Combine ingredients together gently and carefully, using faith and vision. Mix together with strong belief of the outcome until finely blended.
Use thoughts, words and actions for best results.
Bake until Blessed.
Give thanks again
Yield: Unlimited service
Thursday, December 4, 2008
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79 comments:
Jon, I am so using this letter.
As for the unicorn question, I found a pic online that answers just that question. I posted it here:
http://thisisnessie.blogspot.com/2008/12/so-thats-what-happened.html
WV: biticoi
as in: He is only a very wittle, itty biticoi fish.
"...but I appreciate your passion to root out that last elusive equine harbinger of the final days..."
Oh, how I lol'd!
Oh wow. So very appropriate. I am using this next time I get one of those ridiculous emails.
It's been quite a while since my religious friends and relatives gave up on emails full of kittens to temporarily relieve the crushing pressure of life. I learned to never even open them. I'd see the subject headers and throw up in my mouth just a little bit as I deleted them.
Don't forget to add a well-placed link to snopes http://www.snopes.com. Maybe add the sentence "I'm glad you warned me about (the upcoming terrorist attack on dwarves, the child collecting Cheerios boxtops, the latest sighting of the anti-Christ), but my good friends at Snopes say this email is actually (originally written by Abe Lincoln in 1861, only true in that Cheerios actually have boxtops, is a pack of lies)."
WV: Jehou
What the kids at school called Jehovah at the playground.
Jon, that was (incredibly sarcastic and mean spirited, awash in authenticity and cultural relevence, awesome with a capital Awe......")
450 posts and finally I comment. I am sending this letter (if ONLY there were some way I could forward it) to my mom, my aunts, my uncles and all of their friends who find it necessary to deluge me with all of their crap.
This was great.
SOMEBODY had to say it!
By the way... the Christmas Shoes song is so horrible and gets played so often that I think it deserves its own entry.
but if "those" Christians don't send "those" kind of emails... they won't have ANYTHING to do. It's like a ... calling.
Great post!
Does anyone know how I can e-mail this to a friend? Wouldn't it be great if that option were thrown in at the end of a post like this? I mean, woah, what a good idea that would be. Genius, really. You know, with like a cute little icon - like maybe a little envelope you could just click on - that would be so amazing. IF that were to ever happen I would sit back and say, "Ironic." And then leave a long comment, you know, a really wordy one, expressing the contradiction. But, since that's not an option...
Oh, but a girl can dare to dream...
(equine - now THAT'S a Kentucky word)
And what about those little smiley faces all over the place in the emails? You know the ones with the sunglasses or the big lips? Do you know the ones I'm talking about? What's up with that?
Wow. You've hit on probably every e-mail I get from my parents. Amazing!
HILARIOUS! LOVE IT!
fwds on text the worst,
not only are texts annoying, demanding & time consuming. Hey why don't you pick up the phone instead of typing...
Even worse when someone tells you how much you mean to them then please text to 10 of your friends if you want a boyfriend.
My spouse would be surprised.
Word Verification: glyzedge
When my head is stopped up the sound I make when I sneeze.
I'm just using it as is. Let them pick out their own answer!
JeffSmith...instead of their "calling", I prefer to refer to it as their "spiritual gift". As in, "Sarcasm is Jon's spiritual gift."
(Mine, too.)
Finally! I have a great way to respond to those e-mails. Thanks!
By the way... "you’ll be sitting on 20s before you know it" may be the funniest thing you have ever said.
Jason
On a more serious note, the "recipe for miracles" is so cool...and so true. Definitely a thought for the day.
NOTE: Maybe I'll even pass it on. In the form of a good-intentioned Christian e-mail. To everyone in my address book. Heeheeheee........
SV: nalvalie: "Down in nalvalie, nalvalie so low...."
Oops...NOT SV: nalvalie....WV: nalvalie....silly keyboard... ;-)
Bake until Blessed. What do baked miracles smell like? I think maybe cinnamon rolls or apple pie. Best served with Miracle Whip on top. Wait, that would be gross. I meant Cool Whip, but it doesn't sound nearly as holy. If fact, Cool Whip may be straight from the devil. I am typing an over-wordy warning email to everyone I know right now.
FW: BOYCOTT SATAN'S TOPPING, COOL WHIP
But don't be too much of a hater, Jon. In July, a friend sent out a mass email about her new favorite blog, Stuff Christians Like...I almost deleted it. Is that irony I smell baking?
LOL! This has to be one of my most favorite posts--and its so practical!
Do you happen to know where I can get the Recipe for Miracles in a cross-stitched form? Maybe in a plaque with kittens wearing the Christmas shoes eating the fruits of the spirit around it?
It would be a perfect Christmas gift.
Beth, you had me laughing out loud. This post was AWESOME. I'm reposting on my blog, with due credit of course.
If only sarcasm was not lost on so many of those I call family ... I would love to forward this to one woman in particular ... but she'd miss the point ...
Forward this comment to seven people if you want to avoid eternal damnation. Or, maybe you DON'T love God?!?!????
PS- LOL to Tim Burge's comment.
You rock.
tara
this post was hilarious. I laughed out loud in the library and that is NEVER a good thing to do. especially during finals week. thanks jon! haha
*sigh* THANK YOU. no really.
@ Gretchen
I like your idea of sending emails being a spiritual gift. If that's the case, I have an aunt who is in no danger of losing that gift for lack of use.
My favorite aspect of these types of forwards is how they usually end with "If you love God, you'll forward this to [any number between 7 and 254,000] people." The more people you send it to, the more you love God! It's EASY to show God how much you love him with email. Makes up for not keeping his commandments.
I usually reply, "Because I love God, I am not forwarding this." Actually, I never reply that way. I just imagine replying that way. I don't want to get in the way of my aunt using her spiritual gift.
that was great, I loved the praying for the hoax that was exposed in 2004 line, I get a few forwards a week that are listed on snopes as hoaxes, I used to send a note to them letting them know that but I started to feel obnoxious, like I was trying to look smarter than everyone. So now I just delete them
i think it would be great if you could add cheesy piano music in the background. I think all christian things should have cheesy piano music....*shudder*
thanks for making fun of the christmas shoes. I have a cousin who sings it every year at our family christmas party...everyone cries. I just get a second helping of dessert...
does that make me bad?
@ jon and mollie - NO! not wanting to listen to christmas shoes is not bad. that song...wow. it should stop being played. forever. once (MAYBE twice) is enough. my mom loves that song. she walks around singing it for days during this time of year. what's worse - when she doesn't know the words, she makes them up. and trust me, it's way worse than the real version. haha
also @ beth - your comment was so funny!! please please send that e-mail out. i WILL forward that one! :)
Quoting another because I'm lazy and changed "parents" to "mom in law".
Wow. You've hit on probably every e-mail I get from my "mom in law". Amazing!
LOL
Kim
This was a great post. All you people hating on Christmas Shoes - for shame - I know my radio station on at work only plays it every third song ....ugh.
Wow. Absolutely awesome. I have gotten so many of those emails it is ridiculous. I have actually gotten a couple the last few days. I think that they will probably start flooding in with the Christmas season. Oh boy. I am so tempted to send your letter. It is always the same people who send those emails. Where do they come up with that stuff?
BWAHAHAHA!
Ah, the perfection . . . and don't forget to let them know that if they send this email out to 7 people (because that's God's favourite number, of course), they will see Jesus ride across their computer screen on a dinosaur. And receive a blessing, of course.
harbinger is one of my favorite words - usually paired with "haggis" - but "elusive equine harbinger of the final days" is now officially the best use of the word harbinger.
Don't forget the inspirational midi file of "Wind Beneath my Wings" that plays in the background!
How long did it take you to come up this? Really.I want to know.
How 'bout those that have a poem about:
"YOU are THE most important person in my life..."
You are touched, humbled, and then through tear filled eyes you start to reply....
Then you see up top where Your "friend" sent it to 67 others!
...2 Funny!
I have been reading Stuff Christians Like since March. And I have many favorites.
But I think this one just topped the list. I'm crying I'm laughing so hard.
Awesomeness.
wv: singsx
What happens to the praise chorus when we're soaring like worship eagles. (It never ends...)
jon can you please anonymously to my mother-in-law. She has recently figured out how to email and since I have been getting a non-stop barrage of forwards.
I have been kindly pointing her to the snopes articles that discount the various emails that she sends but she keeps on doing it. I'm trying not to be mean but I'm going to have to disable her email account the next time she calls me for tech advice. It's for the children.
Word Verification: mallau
When a Luau goes bad.
good and funny..but i actually never heard the christmas shoes song until now...i like that song lol I like your blog
I love that recipe for miracles. fantastic.
OK everybody together now!
Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.
Thanks, Jon. This song wasn't stuck in my head yet this year.
Razzle Dazzle ... Punk
This is hilarious. When Dean became a pastor, I suddenly started getting a multitude of these from family members who had been to church a time or two. I never respond or send them back (even when it makes the threat that no response means you don't actually care for the person who sent it to you and they may not have any friends at all for that matter), but I may do so now. Thank you for sharing :)
(**making unladylike laughing noises**)
I would just like to say that I agree this may top my favorites of things posted on the always entertaining Stuff Christians Like. I also appreciate the hilarious commentary and personal stories shared in the comments section. IT is so refreshing to know there are others who share my spiritual gift of sarcasm.
And so it begins. I got my first Christmas chain email today. It's annoying because it's written from the perspective of Jesus, and I gotta say He's a little whiny in it. But He tells me if I love Him, I'll forward it on, so what to do, what to do?
Also, I caved to the Facebook group, Keep Christ in CHRISTmas. I wouldn't join it because, well, who cares? But then friends kept inviting, then insisting, then outright questioning my faith, so yeah, I caved. Sigh.
Jon, any notion that this site had jumped the shark(a phrase that itself has jumped the shark) was quashed by this post--definitely your best yet. There is a man at my church who recently quit his job and no lie has been sending out about 5-6 emails a day b/c the new free time. I legitimately found myself surfing the Craigslist employment section the other day looking for a job for him.
@ Jon and Mollie, I had goosebumps when I read that your cousin sings the Christmas Shoes song every year at your Christmas party. I'm sure Jon can remember such an awkward moment when we were forced to listen to a young family friend sing a very suggestive Ani DiFranco song in a packed living room. I literally had to cram my head under a recliner so that the singer couldn't see my laughter-induced tears. I ended scratching my head and peeing a little in my pants.
Well said. Well said indeed.
You have only yourself to blame if Madelaine Murray-O'Hair succeeds in getting all Christian programming banned from the airwaves because you shut down her faithful petitioners.
Ma Ya Hi
Ma Ya Ha
Ma Ya Hoo
Ma Ya Ha Ha
OH. This is my biggest pet peeve. Even worse is that I'm not brave enough to tell people that they are driving me crazy with forwards. So I just delete them.
Is it just me or should the little kid in the "Christmas Shoes" song get his friggin' priorities straight. Your mom is dying and you are out shoe shopping? How about you go spend some time with her, that is probably what she really wants. Not another pair of bedazzled pumps.
I hate it when they add after "forward this seven times and you will be blessed" a story about someone who didn't forward the email and terrible things happened. I bet Satan wanted to attack Job because he neglected to forward a chain letter. God let him do it, because, well if Job really loved Him, wouldn't he have continued the chain letter...
Marni,
Isn't it amazing how many times you have to hit the "ignore" button for the Keep Christ in CHRISTmas fb group? I'm sorry that you couldn't take the pressure, I know it's tough. I'm staying strong for the both of us.
Helen, I think you're on to something! Can you imagine how many chainmails didn't get forwarded in Sodom and Gamorrah? Oh the curses rained down!
Oh Christmas Shoes.... Anyone see the movie? I did. I was watching 750 pound man on Discovery health, and it got slow, so I was switching between that and Christmas Shoes.
Leave it to a Christian movie to get you all depressed around the holidays...uh...I mean... CHRISTmas. :-)
Kidding Kidding!
Best one yet! Love it!
"Bake until blessed"
I guess all those half-baked chain letters will never bless anybody, will they?
tatem--I just tatem when my mailbox is full of those things!
unrelated to the post. but this will ROCK YOUR FACE OFF.
(hint: its a song about bears eating kids for calling the prophet bald)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WAph1tERbA
sorry forgot the link. this is for the above post.
Well written, Jon. Spam is spam, and it's still unwelcome even if it does have a video of Jesus skateboarding or whatever.
Incidentally, for anyone who might be interested in a slightly more serious take on the subject, here's something I found via google the last time somebody sent me that "REMOVAL OF JOYCE MEYER FROM THE AIRWAVES" hoax:
http://emergingpastor.com/2008/06/27/IHateChristianSpam.aspx
hahaha! the fourth horsemen of the apocolypse. greatness
Hilarious! I have a certain relative who sends so many forwards that my husband has a filter on her emails to send them directly to spam. This is perfect.
PS. I agree Christmas Shoes deserves its own post..
Jon and Mollie -
Your comment killed me. My brother actually called me on the phone tonight and we laughed about your comment for five minutes.
"thanks for making fun of the christmas shoes. I have a cousin who sings it every year at our family christmas party...everyone cries. I just get a second helping of dessert..."
JON
Lol I love this. I am so sending it out to my chain-letter friends
RhondaDixon, You're a hoot...
I think I'm going to have to tell our Needlepoint Guild about your wonderful idea---mind if we steal it for the kneelers we're working on?
WV: "acrymoni"
NO KIDDING.
This is what is stirred up when someone responds to a Christian Chainmail with anything other than immediate forwarding "to 10 of the people they care about most. I just did."
seriously!!??! genius
It's in the oven. The aroma is powerful...
Ashley P, you go girl! I got your back! :)
Too, too funny.
When I had a baby a few months ago we sent an email out to share the news...one of my "friends" never acknowledged the new life that had just entered the world, but she did find plenty of time to send me a forwarded email. How I wish I had this response to send her then!
Love it, love it, love it.
The worst "email forward" offender is my own mom and dad. I've come this close to just setting up a rule in my mail application to automatically delete the email and auto-reply with something non-offensive like,
"IF YOU DON'T STOP SENDING ME THIS CRAP I WILL DISAVOW MYSELF FROM THIS FAMILY AND NEVER LET YOU SEE YOUR GRANDCHILDREN AGAIN!!!"
@Adam - OMG, I just laughed so loud and hard I think a little pee came out. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--thank you for the laugh! I hate that song.
Yes! It's so refreshing to find a site where there are Christians venting and kidding around about one of the worst scurges of the net, the chain letter! Chain letters don't come from God, don't make my day, don't convince me that whoever's sending them is a good Christian or good friend, and don't make me feel much like being a friend either. This is a great site and the link is being put up in the "Christians who Dislike Chain Letters" section of the "Various Reactions to Chain Letters" section of http://chainletters.pbwiki.com
You might also get a kick out of http://netizen.posterous.com lots of debunks of chain letters there, some with audio.
It drives me crazy when friends and family members would rather send stupid forwards than write personal little notes. When they are set straight, they just abandon you altogether and send dumb junk to everybody else. Yeah, real friendly, real caring and Christian, right!
Thanks for putting up this article, and all the comments were fun to read as well. :)
This is awesome!! LOL! I can't wait to forward it to the 454 people in my email address book. :)
Yup, I hate chainmails. In fact, my dad and I are able to complain about them legitimately because both of us have worked as network administrators where these chainmails were officially classified as "Amish Viruses." It doesn't have to be technological, just really really cute; and it STILL crashes the network! What's even better is that it can't be filtered out by any server! SUCCESS!
WV: Cynessup, as in: "Hey, I should cynessup for that supersized blessing by forwarding this to twice as many people!"
Anyhow, really hilarious post, as usual... but I didn't pee my pants... not even a little bit... just in case anyone was wondering...
This is awesome! I get so many emails that tell me "if you believe in Jesus pass this on to 10 ppl" a day that I want to vomit.
Well said, brother (and commenters)...
- but now I'll have to call in sick for work tomorrow; it's been several days since I've heard the "Shoes" song, and I had fortunately forgotten about it.
- also, how many others get more than a little naseous at every church fund-raising cookbook ever containing something to the effect of "Recipe For a Happy Marriage," which follows pretty much the same formula you laid out (2 parts patience, 3 large heapings of understanding, a sprinkle of spontenaity, and so forth...)
I liked this post. So true.
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