I like to think I’m a kind person, that deep down I have some degree of compassion bubbling in my heart like a holiday themed flavor of coffee. Perhaps a butternut toffee or peppermint stick swirl. But then something major happens and my true colors come out just like Cyndi Lauper promised they would. An economic downturn? A job loss or relationship crumbling? Nope, I'm talking about a major event, like someone asking to borrow my pen.
Last Monday I started a three day training event at work. Right before the class started, a guy at my table said, "Oh no, I forgot a pen." I responded, "You're definitely going to need one today." Then I looked down at the three pens that were sitting in front of me and thought, "Did he see those already? I hope not. Is it too late to slide them back into my pocket so he doesn't ask for one? Plus, he's drinking a hot tea and has tissues. This guy has a cold and no pen. He's about to ask me if he can germ up one of my pens all day."
I ended up giving him one and after the class he immediately gave it back to me but I thought about the whereabouts and safety of that pen most of day. There was a free cheap one included in our training binder and I kept watching his face to see if he would notice it and say, "Oh, here's a pen right here! Let me give this one back to you kind sir." As silly and as superficial as that sounds, this is the same thing I do in church.
If we ever sit next to each other during service, and you ask me to borrow one of my pens, please know that I will be going through these five stages:
1. Denial
"That did not just happen. I brought a red pen for important notes, a black pen for regular notes and a few back ups in case they go dry during the middle of the sermon but I kept them hidden in my pocket. How did they even know to ask me for one? That did not just happen."
2. Anger
"They should have brought their own pen. What am I Office Depot over here? I'm just supposed to bring pens and paper and other office supplies to church for you? And if I said no when you asked if I had a pen you could borrow, then I'm lying in church. So my two options are inappropriate anger and lying. Oh, and look at you, skating around the bulletin doodling. That's what you needed my pen for today? To fill in the O's and put a mustache on the picture of the steeple? That doesn't even make sense, why would a church steeple have a handlebar mustache? You should be ashamed of yourself.”
3. Bargaining
”Maybe if I find them a different pen they'll give me mine back. I mean I know it's a Uniball Micro Vision which is the best type of pen there is, but maybe I could give them the cheapo pen my wife writes her checks with. Oh no, she didn't bring in her purse and my church has refused to stock those little golf pencils in the back of their seats. Would it be so wrong for me to ask someone on the left side of me for a pen and then give their pen to the person on the right side of me? Is that neurotic or a stroke of a pen diplomacy genius?”
4. Depression
"I know what's going to happen. God's going to do something wonderful in this sermon that I'm going to need to write down and I won't be able to. The pastor is going to say, ‘I'm only going to say this once, but here's the secret to a super awesome life…’ and then my backup pens are going to fail me and I'll be forced to try to scratch my sermon notes into the paper with my finger nail. I'll try to remember it, I will, but by the time I hit the parking lot and start getting mad at the traffic team I will have forgotten what the pastor said. All hope is lost."
5. Acceptance
"The pen is gone. Was it every really mine in the first place? You can't ask someone for a pen back after church. You look so petty and unaffected by the sermon. The pen is gone. God gives and takes away. He really does."
That's horrible, right? I’m ridiculous, right? It's just a pen, a stupid pen, but that's not far from what I am thinking some Sunday mornings.
Am I the only one that has this kind of inner dialogue going on during church?
p.s. Atlanta readers, a friend at CBS46 mentioned they are doing a piece of God and miracles tonight at 11. She also said she would do a piece on Stuff Christians Like. OK, she didn’t that last part, but I’m pretty sure God wanted her to. Pretty sure indeed.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
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137 comments:
Dude, is you pen gold plated or something? I think you are just a little too possessive!
At least in church people don't throw the pens you lend them. It is a risk when someone asks to borrow a pen in class!
Sadly, I know exactly how you feel! By the way, I found the link to your site on a "buddy" from my Diaryland blog. I've already linked you on my Blogspot blog. I love your writing, and I don't like loaning out my pens, either. So there! I buy Uniball pens a box at a time, and get totally out of sorts if I leave one at work, because I know it will be gone when I get there the next night. Last week, a driver got away with one of them. He brought it back. Without the lid.
I look forward to spending a lot of time here, brother.
My problem with pen-loaning is that I can only write with ONE particular kind of pen (a few different brands, but basically it's a black extra-fine or micro-fine 0.5mm or less rollerball.)
They cost about $2. each and it's one of those Starbucks-y kind of indulgences I allow myself, even though there are plenty of Compassion International kids who need my help. I have gotten so spoiled I will literally spend more time looking for one of my "good" pens than it takes me to write whatever I need to write. (And most of my writing is quite mundane: notes to a teacher, grocery lists, to-do lists, etc.)
BUT....
I have a different sin of "loaning out pens" than yours. Instead of not doing it, or feeling really hopeful I'll get it back--instead, I feel quite virtuous and martyr-like:
"Sure, I've got an extra---here ya go,"
and inside I'm thinking:
"I wonder if she realizes what a truly fantastic pen that is, or would have been just as happy with the pencil stub in the pew rack."
"I wonder if, because it's such a NICE pen, he will think I'm a smart pen-buyer."
"I wonder if she's noticing I'm having to root to the bottom of my purse to find a lesser pen...say, a Bic fine point, in BLUE, for goodness' sake."
"I wonder if that borrower even CARES about how a pen writes---he probably doesn't ever even think about it, like I do," etc. etc. etc.
Now, it seems to me that of those 2 attitudes, yours is probably the kinder and more straightforward, whereas my sin is cloaked in "goodness" and "self-sacrifice," at least on the surface.
As if, all pens---the great and the so-so --didn't already belong to Him.
[And if I were you, one of my thoughts would probably be: "I wonder if this person even realizes that I write for a living, and he has just taken away my tool---the scalpel out of the surgeon's hand, ...the lathe away from the carpenter, the light saber from Darth Vader ." )
You could have some fun and take ridiculous colored pens to loan- orange for example.
Jon, as ever you made me smile with unique, winning combination of humour and truth.
I know it's not quite the same subject, but this made me think of something that really bugs me at home. We have a telephone shelf in the hall, which has two or three pens on it. The idea being that, if you need to jot down some piece of vital information while you're on the phone, there will always be a pen there. But guess what? I can guarantee you that within about two to three weeks of the supply of pens being replenished, they have all disappeared. The infuriating part is that no-one in the house claims to have any knowledge of where they are or ever admits to having taken one and not put it back. The REALLY infuriating part is that it doesn't seem to both anyone except me that we have to keep replacing these pens. I mean, seriously, pretty soon I'm going to have to remortgage the house just to keep us adequately stocked in pens.
Perhaps Douglas Adams was right. Did you ever read "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", and do you remember the story of the researcher who found a planet inhabited by all the galaxy's lost biros (where they were able to enjoy 'a uniquely biroid lifestyle, responding to highly biro-oriented stimuli)?
Rob
"and then my backup pens are going to fail me and I'll be forced to try to scratch my sermon notes into the paper with my finger nail"
Man that made me laugh so much!!
Oh, and Uniball pens are so awesome, they are what Jesus would write with...
Jon, I believe there is help out there for you.
You have taken the all important first step though.
Now that you've put it out there,
you just need to go ahead, make the investment, buy the extra pens to hand out expecting NOTHING in return. (including the pens).
God will bless your generosity.
DId I mention, I'M the ONE who always needs a pen because I leave mine everywhere! Have been called a "cleptomaniac" a time or two.
You are not alone. I have been known to purposely bring crummy pens as loaners... you know, the ones that say Lamisil or something. Then I get a secret laugh because I wonder if the person is embarrassed to have a pen that's advertising an anti-fungal medicine.
I had a friend once who came across a Viagra pen. We were servers and she took particular delight in giving it to conservative-looking customers to sign their credit card slips.
And Rob, try one of those chained pens that they have at the grocery store. It may look ridiculous, but you'll always have your pen there.
Jon,
I am so with you on this one. I love me a good pen, not those cheap ones that are all "skippy" and non-smooth writing.
And everyone knows there's no such thing as "borrowing" a pen. They might as well say, "Excuse me, may I steal this writing instrument for all eternity?"
Pens are like socks in the drier. You know you put two sock in but only get one sock out. It is a universal truth. Something causes you to end up with unmatched socks.
Having a pen means you will lose that pen. That is why I've given up on having pens. I have like 200 in my office, not a joke the previous YP ordered 500 pens with the Youth group name on them and 200 are in my office now, so I never want for a pen in my office but I don't bother taking them with me anywhere. If I take them I'll let someone borrow them and then likely won't get them back. OK sure this is a great way to spread the Youth Group name and stuff, but we changed the anme which means I'm spreading the wrong name and that will confuse people. If we had the new name then I'd be all about letting the pens wonder off the pen land where they can frolic in the loose leaf until the run out of ink. Maybe they might meet a nice Bic and go on a trip to sock land together, get married and have those cute little baby pens you can wear on a lanyard or put on a key ring.
Anyways, you do know that my views on pens does mean that I am directly responsible for dozens of lost pens since I've gone from lender to borrower. The crazy part is I don't know what happens to those pens I borrow. I put them in my pocket and next time I need a pen I can't find them and need to borrow another. I wonder if the secret entrance to pen land is in my pocket?
If you love a pen let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours to keep. If it does not, it was never yours to begin with.
Alternate saying....
If you love a pen let it go. It it comes bak to you, it is yours to keep. If it does not, hunt down the person you lent it to and side hug and leg drop them until it falls from their unconscious fingers.
Uniball Micros are my favorite pen too. Just last weekend at praise band practice I lent it to our bassist, who within one minute was chewing on it as he played.
Obviously I let him keep it at that point; we had a good laugh about it, actually.
Because I used a fountain pen all through college for note-taking and writing letters home to Dad pleading for assistance (ahem), I fell into the habit of using the only style pen that was ever worth its ink. Loan my pen? I don't think so.
You THROW skittles and hoard pens??? Your all turned around! And you're obviously a man.
If you're having "inner dialogue" I think they have meds. for that AND special play groups.
I know in the past I've said I'm glad to know you. Well, today, not so much. Pen hog.
Heaven forbid someone ever ask you to "spare a square" in the men's room....
Jon, I wish I had the talent to take something as simple as someone borrowing a pen and turn it into the hilarious post like you did (I'm putting that on my list of things to ask Santa for).
Actually, I can totally relate to the whole pen thing. I don't know if you were writing the part about the different pens for different kinds of notes to be funny but I actually do that. And I'm kinda weird about the types of pens I buy too. I like the super-fine points, I like a Gel pen as long as it's a quick-drying ink, and I like a retractable pen tip rather than a cap (that I always lose).
Man, when I write it all out like that I sound like a freak. *sigh*
I think the same way Jon, don't feel bad. or maybe I should feel bad. The worst is if they forget to give it back and you have to track them down. Then you never know what to say, you just hope when you look at them that they remember. But then you debate on what kind of look to give them.
I thought I was the only one. I usually take one or two of MY pens, and keep a couple of BicStiks in my bible case for the pen-deficient.
I go through pens like chewing gum. I gave up on nice pens years ago. But there are a couple I like. And you can't borrow them.
Amy M made me laugh. ;)
I have ONE type of pen that I use: a Bic four-color. They're hard to find and $2 each. But of course they're multi-taskers, since I like to take notes in all different colors. (Everyone knows it's more spiritual that way.)
And I guess I'm a liar (but I prefer "good rationalizer"). When someone asks if I have a pen that they can borrow, and I don't have any inferior cheap one-color pens, I just say no.
Cuz technically I DON'T have a pen "that they can borrow." I have a pen (or two or four) that they CANNOT borrow.
Yeah, I think I need write down that sin (in four colors!) and lay it down on the altar at the next opportunity.
Picture this:
Jon's church, from the front, lights dimmed.
Andy Stanley: "Congregation, this year we have decided to forgo 'Project Angel Tree' in favor of adopting 'Project Ball Point For Babies' for all the infants of the world who don't own pens. Please give generously."
Jon: standing, screaming, very loudly, "HECK NO! CHURCH SPLIT!"
Awkward.
I like cheap eraser pens for my personal use.
So I buy two bags of cheap regular pens, to give to teens.
Never ever buy pens that unscrew. Never give a teen a pen you like.
Teens unscrew & loose parts to pens that unscrew.
Pens that unscrew have a spring, ink cartridge, nice little metalic ring, top plastic tube, bottom plastic tube, clicker, (they break off) clip. 1 pen, 7 parts insane I tell you, insane!
Teens only deserve regular cheap pens. Take the cap away from them.
I like my erasable pens, b/c they erase. (Unless teen gets ahold of it).
If a teen picks up my erasable pen, I replace it with a cheap pen, that takes effort to destroy.
Teens:
1. Chew on the cap
2. Loose the cap.
3. Chew on the eraser.
4. Loose the eraser they have pulled out with their teeth.
5. Chew on the clip.
6. Bend the clip so it cannot ever be used again.
7. Bite off the clip & chew on it.
8. Break off the clip & loose it.
9. Use the pen to pry or poke.
10. Loose the pen.
Your pen is safer with a dog.
Never ever let a teen have a pen you like.
Teens only deserve cheap regular pens, remove the cap please.
I started laughing as soon as I saw the title of the post. Funny stuff, Mr. Acuff. Funny stuff indeed.
That reminds me of the time in the high school locker room when a guy asked to borrow my deodorant. Considering he was much bigger than I was, I agreed. He seemed pleasantly surprised when I told him he could keep it, as if I had just done it out of the kindness of my heart.
You know, maybe there's a ministry there: distributing Right Guard to those in need. I'll be sure to give some to the PPP's. And when the preacher asks for every head bowed and every eye closed, there will be no hesitation for anyone to raise their hand because they all put on their free sample of Soli Deo dorant.
Beth: Hi. My name is Beth and I'm a pen kleptomaniac.
All: Hi, Beth!
Beth: I stole two pens in one day this week. First, I went to the bank drive "thru" and stole the pen the teller gave me so I could deposit a check. That same evening I went to a women's group meeting and borrowed a pen to take notes on my agenda. It ended up in my purse. I don't even know how it got there. I am powerless over pens...
Sherri, please join Pen Kleptos Anonymous with me. We will beat this addiction. Then we can make amends with Jon.
Side thought: It has been said the pen is mightier than the sword...but is it mightier than the Sword of the Spirit? I think not.
Second side thought: dictionary.com taught me today that "kleptomaniac" and "cleptomaniac" are both accepted spellings.
I'm totally with you on the pen thing. Take my first born, but leave my Parker Vector alone! Do NOT force me to write with a ball point because I have so generously loaned my pen to you. Yes, it wasn't mine to begin with, but I'm pretty sure God put me in charge of caring for the precious writing gem. And germs on my pen?? Just like the germs on my keyboard, leave me to my own germs. Please. You shouldn't have sharp pointy objects anyway. Now give me back the pen and nobody gets hurt....
This was so painful to me. I wonder where I can find a playgroup for help.
LOL You have a knack for bringing to light the little "secret" petty things that I do or think about myself! Must be the OCD..:-)
Never give a teen a pen...cont.
Recently I broke my rule of allowing a teen use my eraser pen (that I buy in plastic packets).
On the "Prayer Notebook" I clip an erasable pen. During a prayer request a teen leader slid the "Prayer Notebook" towards her to write down a prayer. (a) she was sitting right across from me. (b) I watched her the whole time (c) she has been told about teens that mess up my pens.
The next week as I went to write down a prayer request in the "Prayer Notebook", made a mistake, turned the pen over & realized the eraser was gone!
The teen leader was not there, so I sent her a series of e-mails until she finally confessed to dropping the eraser & being to lazy to pick it up. Good help is hard to find! I replaced the pen & bought another pack of eraser pens.
The next week the same teen leader was drawing and happened to be using the pen she had lost the eraser. She said she needed an eraser (I noticed I had left an opened packet of eraser pens on the table). She saw me looking at the packet of erasable pens, but yaha! I was closer & swifter. I grabbed the packet of eraser pens & ran to the restroom & locked the door as she pounded on the door, as I hid the packet of erasable pens, I slipped them behind the heavy mirror. As I unlocked the restroom & walked out she ran in & searched (to no avail! HA!). Then she begin reach into my pockets which was not only unacceptable, but very inappropriate behavior that I let everyone know.
My friend making pizza said, "Y'all are having too much fun for this to be church". I corrected her saying, "That's why we are not a church, we are a ministry". (Another time another issue.)
God gives and takes away. Haha. Next time I lose a pen, whether it is taken away or simply lost, that is what I will think.
Jon,
When your child and/or children grow up, they will become "pen vampires"....you will never ever have another pen that you can keep.....
Go ahead and get used to it.....
OK This is another issue I have with pens.
Business' that tie pens to the counter or even worse have a retractable cord that jerks the pen out of your hand.
Business' that tie a spoon or lollipop onto the pen so you don't steal their pens. (Not as annoying.)
(firtiv word verification)
I plan to use the pen for less than 5 seconds & do not steal pens, besides I just spent $100 dollars at your business, don't you think you could throw in a pen that cost a few cents?
Quit being so cheap & buy some pens for your customers to use to write you a check. Hey, put your name on it & advertise (at least the customers that steal pens will know where they stole it from).
This is my plan, to buy a thousand pens with the ministry's name & PO Box and put them out at every business in town. But only after they remove all of their coveted pens.
Thank you & you come back.
It's a good thing I'm not pen-possessive because my friends always seem to hit me up when they're penless. It's like they know that I'm going to have one so they never bring one of their own.
As a nurse, I am always getting free pens from drug rep's 'cause you know drug rep's love to spread the word of their drugs through pens... and so not only are they free but most are also very cool looking so.... then people start eyeballing my pen and saying things like 'ooohhh that's a cool pen....' and I just know they are secretly looking for a way to steal my pen! How dare they! This is my perfectly good free pen I have here with the cool drug logo on the side! Huh! Well! And at church no less!
*sigh*I think I need a support group[but don't even look at my pen! bring your own!] =0]
To help people remember to give your pen back when they borrow one, you could do like the Christian bookstore I go to does with their pen at the check-out counter. They tape a plastic spoon onto the pen.
Annette
Okay, last weekend my pastor took my Uniball Micro Vision pen...and DID NOT GIVE IT BACK!
I don't have the courage to carefront him about it. But I want my pen back. What should I do?
My word verification is boxonomp.
Mo -
This pen post seems to have hit a nerve. I understand where you're coming from -- I often sink my teeth into a topic and have difficulty letting go. But then my husband reminds me to take my Concerta, and all is well...
(Totally kidding, BTW. I am enjoying your ranting as much as the original post!)
Mo's last post. I decided to added "word verification" that I thot were funny (regret I didn't start sooner), at the end of comment. However I accidently put it in the middle of comment (oops!)
"Word Verification" bileg
"Soli Deo dorant." Hilarious.
Hucklebuck, not only does Jon crack me up but you finish knocking down the pieces.
Perhaps churches could launch a new ministry called PenPals. It would be like an 'accountability group' for those who can't find their pen.
Dear Curtis,
Confronting our pastor is never an easy thing, especially when we feel he is in the wrong. Just be prepared to defend your argument with scripture. Exodus 20:15 would be a good start. He won't be able to argue with that. And if that doesn't work, leg drop that punk.
Sincerely,
Hucklebuck
To: mistymorningmountain said... Thanks, I do not take meds, (however friends have suggested them). My husband does not respond well to rants and tells me (a) get a life or (b) get over it (c) are you through?
Thank you for the time & patience of caring.
PS Also I listen to New Life Live & comment there. How fun! Well they said I needed a hobby!
Word Verification: SlyGrell, oops try again RoinGleu (What you glue a Roin with?) Or is it RoingLeu
(In leu of wrong?) Perhaps I need meds, *sigh*
Well, I must admit that the pen issue doesn't really bother me. I do, however, immediately break into a cold sweat when someone asks me for a piece of gum. I know I'm completely selfish, but I don't want to share my gum. I want to enjoy each piece of flavory goodness for myself. I know I know...I need to work on the whole give as I have given unto you thing....I'm a work in progress. Slow, agonizing progress.
Jon,
Can't you see you're missing a great business opportunity here? You need to add SCL pens to your store. The more pens are stolen, the more your Web site gets promoted. And the more the site gets promoted, the more people have a chance to visit your advertisers, which means more sweet coin for you, my friend. Wait, you don't have any advertisers? Oh, nevermind.
To: Curtis Honeycutt said...
"Okay, last weekend my pastor took my Uniball Micro Vision pen...and DID NOT GIVE IT BACK!
I don't have the courage to carefront him about it. But I want my pen back. What should I do?
My word verification is boxonomp."
Oh you have really sinned, don't you know you are to go 1st to the person privately that has sinned & confront them over their sin (stealing pastor?)...
However you have uncovered their sin to millions of people.
Oh no I just did the same thing!
Word V. pqlmet (Have you ever met a pql?)
Amen. :)
i also use Uniball Micro Vision pens and they are truly God's gift to the planet. i think the 10 commandments were etched in stone by one of those pens.
Exodus 32:32-
But now, please forgive their sin—but if not, then blot me out of the book you have written.
Here's my question: How can I blot anything out of any book that I have written if I don't have a Uniball Micro Vision pen to write with?
My word verification: "amencing"
I'll use it in a sentence: Jon is often amencing words at the end of his group prayers.
Yes, yes and yes.
Love the reference to the red and black combo. I need both for my notes, however, people seem to think I carry an extra pen for them. This lends itself to frequent lending situations in which it is hard to argue that I need both pens when they only have one.
I think you jumped into my head and channeled me or vice versa. The smaller the item they want to borrow, the way pettier and more possessive I become. Sad, so very, very sad.
Thanks for the chuckle at myself over coffee.
You crack me up....and then I think, "Is he inside my head?" I feel the same way about stuff like that. I am always working through in my mind what just happened and how to make it unhappen. Thanks for sharing!
Tricia :)
WHAT? uniball vision- that is the most absurd thing that has ever been on your blog. everyone with friends knows that the G-2 is the greatest pen ever.
also, just bring one pen to church. that's what i do. "sorry, all i have is this one pen, and you'll notice i take copious notes so there is just no time for you to borrow it, even for a second." see, problem solved.
I have a black pen, blue pen, green pen and a highlighter in my pocket at all times when I am on the wards in the hospital. they all have specific uses, but the most important one is the black pen, since notes in the hospital must be written in black ink. Of course, this means that the one I am sure to lose, and the one that is always borrowed, is my black pen. I have grown very protective of my black pens because there is nothing as horrible as having 6 patient notes to write without a black pen in your pocket--that can seriously set you back for the day. I know some docs who carry around 2 or 3 black pens in one pocket for this reason.
So if you are going to ask to borrow my black pen, I am not going to let you out of my sight until I get it back, and if you try to get away I will politely but firmly ask for it back.
I work at a church and frequently have my pens stolen off my desk as people pass by on their way to worship. (Would love to unpack that sentence.) Last week I confronted someone in the sanctuary (gently and in love, of course) writing with my stolen pen. They were completely offended because they were just 'borrowing' it. But come on! If you're going to steal a pen, don't choose the Bic Green felt pen...all the other colors will miss him. How right James was when he cautioned us about this very thing: "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your pen desires that battle within you? You want a pen, but you don't get it. You kill for and covet pens, but you cannot have the writing instrument you want. You quarrel and fight..."
Word verification: dallata. verb. Hebrew word; to guard carefully an object that is sacred, esteemed, precious. "Each man is to dallata the pen entrusted to him."
I have a pen issue myself. I can spend hours picking the perfect pen.
What I've learned over the years is to keep some of those inexpensive Bic pens on hand in case someone needs a pen. I don't mind giving those away at all.
It doesn't solve my deep heart issue, but it helps with my anxiety of good-pen-separation :)
I'm starting to become skittish about getting too possessive of certain things. Those things I'd rather not share, from pens to awesome-looking station wagons, seem to be the very things God takes away from me. Like He's saying, "Listen, buddy, I gave that to you in the first place. You don't want to share? I'll make you go without for a while so you can see what it's like to depend on people."
Your oasis of ink could soon become a desert. Then you'll be forced to scratch words into the paper with your thumbnail in hopes that you can read these crude notes under the right lighting...
My main concern is the germs. Ever since working in a hospital and having a co-worker get a really, really bad staph infection from sharing a pen with a patient, I refuse to let folks borrow mine. Or, if they borrow it, I tell them they can have it. Makes me look a bit freakish, but oh well.
The second I see someone turning to me with a "requestive" look on their face I place the pen longwise in my mouth, like biting down on a stick, and just raise my eyebrows as-if to ask "Yes? What was it that you needed? Is there something I can do for you?". If I have more than one pen I reach into my pocket to get them all and put them in my mouth.
You may be thinking "man, that would look silly, and how do you keep from drooling?" Answer, let it rain with drool. Doesn't matter, you won't be asking for my pens anymore.
that is a very long conversation with yourself.
i don't like to lend my pens either though so i get ya. if i do lend one i'm paying close attention to what they do with it. if they bite on the cap or something it's over. if they try to give it back to me i sound really nice and say "no, it's fine don't worry about it. you can keep it for next week." but really i'm thinking "why the heck would i want my pen back if you just put that in your germy mouth!?"
this was such a random post! i love it!
also, my word verification was sketele - kinda like skittle and now it makes me want some. haha
Perhaps you should consider attaching your pens to some sort of retrieval device, like the ones on a metal chain at the bank. Then there's no awkward conversation asking for it back after the sermon. Instead, when you both go your separate ways, the pen simply leaps out of her purse or his pocket and comes swinging back to you thanks to that clever little string/chain/rope. Or maybe you could use one of those mini retractable cords and attach it to your belt loop. Pens on the beltloop will be the new cell phone belt holster, a total fashion statement for those who care about their pens. Yeah, that'd be sweet.
Yes, you are ridiculous, but being ridiculous makes life more interesting.
I have the same issue, sadly. I buy these pens that are supposed to be "check writing" pens. Something about the ink makes it harder for people to wash your checks and steal your money.
I love them!
I actually have two colors, red and black and two refills in my messenger bag (man bag). Uniball med. 0.7mm. They will change your life.
Good luck with your pens in the future.
Oh, I understand your thinking! Everytime the youth pastor asks me for a pen, I go through this! Is seems that he is a magician for whenever I loan him a pen, it disappears! Poof! It's gone!
I always keep two pens in my pocket for work and feel lost when I don't have them with me. Or loan one out.
P.S.-I didn't comment on the last blog, but I really loved it.
i always leave my pen so i'm the one that needs to borrow one during church! however, i always make sure to give the pen back to whoever i borrowed it from, and that makes the chances of getting a pen next time greater than if i stole the first one :)
I always take two pens to the pulpit and often throw them at the teens when I say "That was good, you should write it down."
I usually target the bass playing teen who only has one eye...
The rest of the congregation has started flinching when I begin to say anything about taking notes...
Dude, take a cheap bic loaner with you.
I also hate it when my husband asks if he can share my pen because he forgot his. Come on! You know you're going to miss some good sermon notes having to pass that pen back and forth! And what if you want to write something down at the same down?! Suddenly worship has become very stressful.
katytx,
Hey! I live in Katy, Texas! I'm wondering if I know you, and based on your comments, whether you're an enginerd, er uh, engineer...
I have an idea - I use this as I have a small business - order some promotional pens with your book name/blog site on them. Have one handy to "loan". Good advertising! Also - you get to keep your good pen.
It is with a sad heart that I must admit that I can totally relate! Petty little things like this get me almost every time. I feel so small and weak when I do things like this.
Thank God that He sees beyond all this stuff and continues to work on me and in me.
P.S. You should see the collection of pens I have in my desk drawer. Probably well over 100 of them. And I don't even know if half of them actually work!!
I totally relate!
And, "a stroke of a pen diplomacy genius," is a great phrase!!!
When I was a children's pastor, it wasn't pens we had to hang onto, but "grown-up" scissors.
Short, plastic, round-edged scissors were in abundance in every classroom, but woe to the teacher who didn't have her own adult scissors that didn't cramp the hand and would actually cut construction paper!
Adult scissors were like gold in our children's department and were stolen almost as quickly as they were replaced. One of my team coordinators actually carried a pair of scissors in her purse at all times!
Jon,
My mom lives in Atlanta and is working on a doctorate in Psychology. I think I have a research project for her. "Pen-hoarding in churches and other semi/pseudo-social situations." Shooting her an email now.
Maybe she can be a pen-hoarder therapist for you. I can hook you up, man. Seriously. I think you need to talk through this one...
This week I was at a missions network breakfast. I got my notebook out and set my pen on top of the notebook. I was ready to take some great notes.
Along comes the facilitator, sees my pen, and WITHOUT ASKING, takes off with it. And DOESN'T return it. I had to bust out my checkbook pen. grrr. Of course, after the meeting was over, he left it casually laying on his table, giving me an opportunity to rescue my kidnapped, then abandoned, darling.
I prefer PILOT brand pens which is good since I work with a group called Flying Mission Zambia.
I so love a good pen! It is even a perfectly acceptable gift for my husband to give me on a big occassion. And I so bring crap pen extras everywhere so I am never forced to face a situation like Jon's. Tsk!!
word ver-prespac!! Very funny to me & my love!!
I think it's uncool when people take pens - even though I'm usually one of the pen thieves. But I think it's petty when someone asks for a pen back unless they really need it or it has sentimental value. It's just a pen.
I hate lending my mechanical pencils... I made the effort of going and buying some, couldn't they!?! hahaha
HAHAHA - black and red pens for comments. I've been there with colored pencils and highlighting different themes in my bible. As if someone looking over my shoulder would say, "wow, she has yellow AND blue highlights on her bible. she must really love the Lord. I hope 'Guy with Guitar' isn't dating her so I can ask her out."
Word verification: pectatur Sounds like an unused arm muscle, maybe the one that Jon doesn't exercise by passing pens around.
I call it my "Bible pen". No, I won't loan it to you. If I do, I won't get it back and it won't be in my Bible next time I need to highlight a profound verse or take notes.
BUT, I carry 6,458 highlighters with me at all times. Ditto for mechanical pencils. I will make it rain those items if you need them. It's my ministry I think.
And hopefully it counteracts my immense stinginess at saying no to the Bible pen. If I have one less crown than the rest of you when we get to Heaven, you'll know I was wrong in that assumption.
Jon, you are forgetting to apply your own wisdom here: do you want "better" (ie, your own pen returned with lid and germ free), or "new" (ie, an excuse to buy a new pen because you *generously* gave)?
New vs. Better. I think we all want new, yes?
Of course, as a mom of 7, I usually have crayons in my purse, and ain't nobody wants to borrow a crayon...
have you ever been asked for a pen and been reluctant to give it to the person only to realize it's the pen you borrowed from them the week before?? one word: Awkward
I admit it -- I love office supplies. I'm happier wandering the aisles of Staples or Office Max than walking through pretty much any mall. I have a problem.
Therefore I do have plenty of pens. I'm perfectly happy to loan out almost any pen to anyone who asks. But there is one I really, really like, and I don't know where to get a replacement, so no, you can't use it. Yeah, I have a problem.
A doctor friend has LOTS of pens. A lot of them advertise medications for embarrassing problems. He usually gets those pens back pretty quick.
I taught JH/HS for six years. Gotta have pens -- green and blue and black and purple for paper, and at least three different colors for the whiteboard, plus a variety of highlighters and pens for students to borrow (with collateral, of course!). My boss -- it was a small school -- had a pen party. She had about three shoeboxes filled with writing utensils, and finally decided enough was enough, so she allowed us to adopt them. It was a great day of celebration. Clearly we all had a problem.
While teaching, I had an unfortunate habit of putting pens in my pocket between writing points on the board. Once wound up going home from a day of substitute teaching with four full-sized whiteboard markers. Not intentionally, mind you. It just kinda happened.
My name is Debi, and I have a problem.
Long time reader, first time contributor.
Jon, as I read this, I couldn't help but respond. All my coworkers think I'm nuts becuase I always go into meetings with three pens.
I have a black one in case I need to sign something, and two blue ones because I prefer taking notes in blue. Obviously, the second blue is in case the first one dries up in the middle of a meeting.
It frustrates me to no end to lend one out because I know I'll never get it back; however, being the good Christian I am, I reluctantly give in and kiss my pen goodbye.
Great post!
P.S. - I'm a Pilot G-2 man, myself.
wow, this is exactly how I am about lending my books. it's like someone asked to borrow my firstborn child.
I'm a firm believer in pen liberation. Pens shouldn't belong to any one person. They should belong to the world. Set your pens free.
Haha, I must be one lucky girl. At my church, they put pens in the back of the seats so they are always there for anyone that needs one. They keep them stocked too.
Donna
You're not kidding!! I was just ranting the other day to my husband how the kids keep snatching my pens and pencils and I can't find one. It's yet another way they have stolen my sanity.
Haha, that hilarious and incredibly appropriate that you used Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of grief to describe the feelings you go through. I will definitely think about these stages in other ways now. Thank you for expanding my horizons.
jonandmollie, best post in the thread! "Awkward" hehe :)
Incidentally my aforementioned pens are also Pilot G2s, 0.5 mm. What a great pen, it makes me happy to write with :)
Ah, genetics! My mom and I are pen borrowers. I don't steal them afterward, though. I always ask the cashier, "Did I just borrow your pen?" before I put it away. And she always checks for her pen before saying "Yes. I think you did". It has become a ritual, much like washing hands when leaving the bathroom, even if I only went in there to change the towels, which were not so very dirty that I really need to wash my hands afterward. They're not toxic, afterall.
My mom always asks to use the visiting nurses pen when she signs at the end of the visit, and then will say "OOH, I like this pen! Can I keep it?" If I tell her it has an advertisement for Viagara or anti-fungal medicine on it, she'll say "So what? It's a really nice pen!" And I do provide her with lots of pens to do her crossword puzzles, so it's not my fault! The nurse is a sweetheart, and always brings those adverisement pens, keeping my mom happy with her loot.
I like Joanna's idea. Give them purple, pink, or orange inked pens, and giggle to yourself! The worse that can happen is they ask someone else to borrow a normal pen. You wouldn't mind that, would you?
I personally feel that not enough church steeples have handlebar mustaches.
I'm the same way, but it's usually my kids asking to borrow the pen, so I weigh the benefits (they are actually taking notes!) with the cost (my $2 or $3 pen usually ends up back with me.) I give up the pen every time :-)
I forgot to mention in my previous post that my coworkers are actually my enablers.
My boss went on a trip a while back to the George Bush Presidential Library and Museum in College Station, TX. Wanting to bring back souvenirs, he stopped at the gift shop.
He found the most ginormous pen I've ever seen - it's probably a quarter in diameter and eight inches long. When I walked into staff meeting that day, he and my coworker were both writing with them as a "hey, look at our really cool pens, don't you wish you had one." And then he reached into the drawer and pulled one out for me.
Good times.
Jon, this post is hilarious!
Ed, LOL! :)
great blog! can you believe some people pay like $100 for a pen? crazy!!!
I completely understand how you feel. I can't stand it when people ask for my pen in church. I'm very attached to my pen. I feel like, "It's mine, go find someone elses!" But, since I sit beside the pastor's wife, it would makes sense to give her the pen, no?
I also go through major inner dialouge during church. It's rather pathetic, but church strikes up rather interesting conversation one can have with himself or herself!
Monday morning, standing in line at the Pharmacy, behind people that are all coughing into their hands and then using the same chained up pen to sign for their prescription. That's when you really regret "lending" that pen on Sunday. I bought a new one.
I have an idea. Next time you're at the doctor's office, find out if they have any pens that advertise medicine for sexually transmitted dieseases. Get some of them to pass out. Some people will politely (awkwardly) say "No thanks". Other people who don't know any better...well it serves them right for wanting to steal your pen.
(I'm gonna go pray now...)
I just discovered the Uni-ball Vision Elite. I am in pen heaven. I thought I loved Uni-ball before, but pen this changes everything!
I completely understand this, though. I cringe handing out pens for others to borrow. I usually carry a small bag of pens in my purse, and often have at least one or two "loaners" that I wouldn't miss if I didn't get them back.
True story, I was on the phone at work earlier this week, and someone reached into my pen cup to borrow a pen. Would you believe he grabbed my favorite of all pens (this was prior to the Vision Elite discovery)? I actually interrupted the person on the phone to tell the borrower that he had take my favorite pen, and could he please choose another?
I felt like a jerk all day, but I still have my Uni-Ball Signo, so I'm happy!
I totally want to go buy a bunch of pens now.
you couldn't just bring lots of cheap pens to church?
I'm not so much about pens but if someone asked to borrow a paint brush of mine I think my head would explode. Especially if they left it in the water after they were finished. Everyone knows that ruins paint brushes right?
Is it wrong that I went back and wrote down all the different 'best' pens and I am going to put them on my Christmas list?
The Uniball Vision Elite is my pen of choice.
This is why I carry a couple give-away pens. So I don't have to give my favorite pen to someone who forgot their pen.
But I also spend a second or two debating if I have to share my jar of lamp oil with those who fell asleep and don't have any.
I started taking notes on my iPhone at church b/c
I don't usually have a pen on me.
People look at me like I'm texting during the message
with consternation--perhaps another blog topic? Phone
usage during church/not turning the ringer off?
I didn't read through the 100 posts to see if someone else already had this idea, but what about a SCL pen that you could give away? If you don't want to buy any, you could probably get samples from some companies....
Okay, so I'm the woman with about 15 pens in her purse, only one of which is suitable for another person's use. I keep it in there (usually a hotel pen or some other cheap freebie) just in case. Because I don't share my pens. They are mine. I bought them. I meticulously went through the process of discerning which pens work best on which papers they come in contact with (bulletin vs. journal vs. notebook paper vs. copy paper, etc.). After all that research, it's my right to keep my pens to myself. Only the freebie goes out on loan. And I ask for it back.
I can (sadly) totally relate.
Oh my goodness. I have the same irrational possessiveness about ALL pens on my person. I always try to inconspicuously rifle through my pens and find the one I'm least attached to before I give that one to the irresponsible beggar.
Our church has a program called "Griefshare" that helps people navigate through the grieving process after losing someone. (Why do they call it losing them anyway? I know right where she is...) So, Jon, I'm thinking I should enroll you in a new program called "Penshare". It will make the journey so much better. And you can be there with other penmongers. Se you there.
I can't even finish reading the post until I stop laughing from the "handlebar mustache on a steeple - that doesn't even make sense" comment.
Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic: Why the worship eagle is neither worshipful nor a real eagle. Discuss.
Ok, I'm good. Read most of the comments, too. Good ones, my SCL pals, and I'm very proud of all the confessing penmongers (such a harsh term!)
I LOVE pens. I LOVE having pens for certain papers. Back in junior high, I remember this amazing pen I "borrowed" from my Dad's pocket protector when we hugged good-bye that morning. This pen had a thick felt tip and a seemingly endless supply of oozing black ink. I would hold it in one spot on the top page of my algebra notebook and see just how far that ink spot would seep... down down down plumbing the depths of my wide-ruled Mead Composition Book... it was a thing of beauty.
Thus began my pen fetish, the nonpareil of which happened only this past summer: I was in a meeting with fellow camp counselors, naturally (yet inconspicuously) scoping out the pen used by each. I happened upon a fantastic specimen - a Uni-Ball of course - and commented to the owner "My, that is a truly great pen!" I expected the typical - and perfectly acceptable - "Thanks, it's my favorite." But no, I was dealing with a true servant of Christ. He replied with a genuine smile, "Well, you can have it!" I was dumbstruck. I blathered on about how grateful I felt. He reassured me that it was "no big deal."
And I will honor his sacrifice by holding onto that pen until I die.
Or am I supposed to follow his example?
Darn it.
Hmmm. Had to LOL at this one. Most people, church/work/friends know not to ask me for a pen. I ususally don't let them borrow one. OR, if I do -- I definitely keep an eye on it at all times.
Currently my favorite is the Pilot G2 .05, retractable, in blue. I buy them for work & home.
I am definitely a pen fanatic. Can't help it. Just the way I am. Don't mess with my pens! And God hasn't convicted me of it being wrong -- yet.
So...you're not alone.
Thanks for describing me so well. Haha! When I was in college/ graduate school and someone asked to borrow a pen, I'd usually lend them one of my cheaper ones -- of course, I had a batch of them, so, if they forgot to give it back, I wouldn't feel as bad about it lending it out in the first place (though I often ended up feeling guilty for giving them a cheaper pen to use!).
I'm currently attached to using those Bic Grip mechanical pencils. My workplace currently doesn't have any good pencils, but I keep a grip mechanical one in my purse. At the end of the day, I have to remember to put it back in my purse, otherwise I'm afraid someone will be tempted and take it! Hmmm...I have a problem, don't I? :)
I'm a Uni-ball Jetstream person myself, but I totally find myself doing this. Of course, when I was in third grade and sitting through the service my dad used to refuse to let me borrow his pen. Seriously. Maybe I got it from him. Some people are just pen people, I suppose.
That hit a little too close to home. I stick with the Uniball Micro Vision and a clickster automatic pencil that I would rather not share. (Seriously, I am a germ freak and my husband even knows not to mess with my writing utensils). So I keep an extra "disposable" pen with me. That way if someone asks I can just give it to them and look like a nice person instead of the neurotic pen hoarder that I am.
~Another great pen is the Pilot V Ball Grip Extra Fine
Issues, Jon... deep-rooted issues. It's good to know I'm not alone. I get belly laughs reading your blog... the kind my Grandma used to have that make your whole body shake.
I always brought my jumbo pen to class so that I could loan it to some one and see their face! It was a really big pen! way fun but it was hard to write with so people usually found another pen and gave mine back...too much fun
Oh my. I'm right there with you...except I'm more partial to the Pilot G-2.
I bring crayons to church. Nobody wants to borrow a crayon.
I love your blog...really. It makes me feel almost, normal.
Pens don't bug me too much. What gets me is when I casually ask the elderly folk how they are doing and they tell me, IN GREAT DETAIL. From the hangnail that's giving them pain to the "depends" accident that happened at the grocery store. Some stuff I just really don't need to know, but I have to just shake my head and listen politely.
I tie my pen to my bag.. that way they would have to sit near or beside me. That way, it will be returned.
lol. love it.
(although maybe I would be the one asking so I could write my grocery list during slow moments in the service. *gasp* did I just say that?!)
You're hilarious. And it's so true all those things just bug me especially I borrow a pen to a stranger. If it's someone I know and I lent that person my favourite pen, I'd hunt him/her down until I get it back!
Humans and our attachment to pens. Boggles the mind.
i get the same way about my pens! i didn't realize it until one day i offered a pen to someone (out of guilt) and he said, "no, that's a nice pen, i don't want you to lose it" and handed it back to me. that made me so ridiculously happy i wanted to make out with him. haha. but i didn't.
I have a supply of crappy pens for when someone inevitably asks to borrow one of mine... No one touches my Uniball Micro Vision.
Oh yes, I am SO possessive with my pens! I have been known to track down the person I loaned it to and take it back. Fortunately, I've restricted this behavior to my "purse pen." If the person is in my home and borrows a pen, I don't give it a second thought because we have pens everywhere. But don't think about walking away with my purse pen!
My favourite pen is the Bic Cristal in black ink. Nothing fancy, but I like that the barrel is transparent.
I like those cheapy papermate pens, the black ones especially. They never let me down, and you can get like 30 of them for $3 so it's no big deal when I lose one or let someone borrow one. I think it's only because I'm a college student and have no money to invest in nice pens though.
I think it's funny how everyone here has their own preffered brand/type of pen! I think I have the potential to be like that, if I had extra money, as I am sort of a neat-writing freak (I can't tell you the number of times I've heard "wow, you have really nice handwriting!" At first it was like a compliment, but by like the 10th or so time and often from the most random people (my spanish professor, for example--who's a guy!), it became just plain weird.)
as a former waitress who got peeved whenever customers walked out with my pens that I gave them to sign their credit card receipt, I recommend this foolproof tactic that one of my fellow servers came up with:
get some good novelty pens, like the tween girly ones with a fluffy pink top and googly eyes. or a giant baseball bat pen. nobody is "accidentally" walking off with those.
Well, there's over a hundred comments already and you may never get this and it's possible someone else has already said it... BUT
I think what you need in a couple Boomerang pens to use as 'loaners'.
Check them out here.
They're the pens that always come back!
To: Katherine Laine said...
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
click on it Jon your answer!
wow...lol...talk about being selfish w/ your pens...
I was a Wal-Mart cashier in college, so it was my JOB to let people borrow my pens. Occasionally I would even gain one or two by the end of a shift. I would use/loan the pens in the order from most willing to lose to "Give me back my pen or you're not getting your receipt or your change!"
After college I worked in healthcare, so like Pam, I knew drug names and companies by who had the best pens. Seemed like the recalled drugs were featured on the best pens? I still have a few Baycol pens stashed away in my desk drawer.
Jesus said, "If you give your pen to the least of these, then you've loaned your pen to me. But if you refuse to loan me your pen on earth, then I'll refuse to loan you a pen in Heaven." Or something like that.
I'm more concerned about who chews the lids to all the pens in the back pockets of the side-interlocking chairs we have at my church. They can't be that tasty. Not to MENTION the germs! Oy vey!
In the privacy of the internet, I confess that I began chewing on pens for just this reason. Worked in an office of kleptos... so I just consciously made a point of walking around the office, attending meetings, etc. with pens in my mouth. Not professional, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
"Oh? You want to borrow THIS pen? *chomp, chomp, gnaw* Sure thing! What? *chew chew chew* You don't want it anymore!?! Weird."
Also, my Verification Word: "Marinse" the use of slobber to mark private property.
This morning, at Church, I needed a pen. Or a pencil, or something. And I was too shamed to ask someone... lol good thing I hadn't read this first, or I'd have probably been even more shamed! lol
The pen issue. For me as a highly organised teenager pens are in fact a big deal to me. I have the red pen for titles/ sub-headings etc. The blue or black pen for normal use and *wait for it* the green pen for those special times when green is the only colour suitable for the task. Indeed my pencil case a pen haven. But alas I am also a pen chewer, it's not so bad they are MY pens, but then someone asks to use one. I hastily take off the chewed lid that looks as if ive never seen food and toss the remaining pen to the kid in the class. Then after the bell rings I eyeball them waiting for the pen back and to my dismay they usually are pocketed and taken with the person I so kindly gave one to. *sigh* all my beloved pens.
I can totally relate to this. In school I was always the girl who had the six pencils (at least). But only one would be sharp enough to write with so I couldn't give away that one, could I? So I gave away my more blunt ones. Plus, this one time in French class I didn't give this guy a pen to borrow and he thought that meant I didn't like him. So I'm sorry, guy from 8th grade, it's nothing against you, I just really really like my pens.
that is awesome. i feel your inter conflict. i carry a bad/generic pen to lend out to people.
I know I'm coming late to this but I just discovered SCL a few weeks ago. Am slowly working my way through the 500 list. Kids in the Hall did a sketch about this situation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFEUy8NzazE
I don't get uptight about lending my pens (I save my ire for real annoyances, like people who ask to borrow a sheet of paper). But whenever someone asks to borrow a pen, I start thinking "my pen! my pen!".
word verification: graphydr
In mythology, the graphydr was a winged beast that tormented people who stole pens.
"If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also."
We, christians need to be generous even we know it is sometimes "bad" for us.
As you said: "God gives and takes away. He really does."
It is true, and God will reward us for giving ourselves even when we don't want to. Even if you hadn't your pen to write down "the secret to a super awesome life…" the God would reward you with even more awesome life afterward if you give yourself completely. That's why you need to give your pen to people around you if they didn't bring any. Satan is tempting us all the time and we all need to be prepared for that.
Jesus saves, my brothers and sisters. May the love and blessings of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you and give you an open heart to the people around you who ask for pens.
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