Do you ever imagine how God spends His day? I do, but then I'm weird. I like to think He gets up early, shoots a round of Frisbee golf with David (the whole sling thing makes him pretty good), grabs breakfast at the Heaven Denny's with C.S. Lewis and then spends the rest of the day building waterslide parks for my eventual arrival. But apparently, I'm wrong. Apparently God spends a good deal of His day writing billboards.Have you seen these? I'm not sure if they are international or not, but here in the states (I said "states" to make me look cool) we have a God billboard campaign. They're pithy little messages attributed to God that say things like, "I miss how you used to talk to me when you were a kid" and "Don't make me come down there."
I like them. I think it's good to step outside what we usually do and I love the God billboards compared to say the "Got Jesus" or "Got Destiny" milk-flavored billboards. But because it's Monday and early in the morning, I thought it might be fun to write our own versions. You crushed the sound guy haikus, so hopefully we can come up with some good ones. Here are mine:
1. "Hell has saber-toothed tigers. I'm just saying." - God
2. "I deserve a producer's credit for inspiring the Matrix move. (I had nothing to do with parts 2 and 3)" - God
3. "Would it kill you to have just one 'pop and lock breakdance Sunday?'" - God
4. "It's 'all' not 'some' when it comes to loving people." - God
5. "I saw what you did. I see what you are doing. I know what you will do. And I love you." - God.
6. "I got name dropped 26 times at the last Grammy Awards, that's a new record." - God
7. "David committed adultery with Bathsheba, killed her husband, let a war start that killed tens of thousands out of sin and I forgave him. What was it you were worried about?" - God
8. "I will never give you the answer. I will always be the answer." - God
9. "Please pronounce the 't' in 'How Great is our God. It sounds like you're saying 'gray.'" - God
10. "Prince ain't got nothing on me. I invented sex." - God
Those are my ten. I would love to see you post a few. I think it will make Monday a lot more awesome.
Some other stuff I wrote today:
1. That's pretend, right? - A child-sized nuclear bomb gets dropped on me.
2. Important - The greatest risk you face today.
104 comments:
I feel I must confess that I am guilty of number nine in a big way. How about:
"It's Sunday. Go take a nap." - God
You could also have one of those double billboards (either one on top of the other or the rotating kind, either works), and one could be an anti-abortion or one of those "There is hope for you if you struggle with alcoholism"-type messages, and the other one could say, "I AM, and I approve this message." - God.
(Sorry - I've already seen way too many campaign ads, and that phrase has just been floating in my head.)
"Don't send your money to televangelists."- God
"I like it better when everybody sings." - God
"Enough with the 'Chicken Soup' books already!" - God
"No matter who wins the presidential election, I'm still here." - God
This one is inspired by The Shack:
"I am especially fond of you." -God
#10 --- i'm DYIN' here.......
I hope that #4 was referring to side hugs.
"Your fan belt squeaks and you're a quart low. I just noticed that as you approached." - God
By the way, how come they're always black with white text? I'd make mine white with, like, rainbow text and a drop shadow, with maybe some of that trendy growing vine design creeping out of the lower right hand corner.
Concerning #9 - AMEN!!! Chris Tomlin's version (not the live one), EVERY TIME he says it, it sounds like "how gray is our gah."
I could never be as creative as you, Jon, but my favorite of all the billboards is still "Loved the wedding, invite Me to the marriage..."
Jon, That was hilarious.
Stan, That cracked me up too.
I'll go ahead and try to grab some of the obvious ones:
"No making purple." -- God
"I love me some pot blesssings." -- God
"For the love of me, your butt is not a billboard!" -- God
"Quit filling in the e's and o's in your bulletin and pay attention, I have something to tell you." -- God
"Sweet Psalty tattoo dude!" -- God
"*Finger guns*" - God
"Stop naming your kids after fruit. It's kind of annoying." - God
"Did you see that really cool sunset I painted for you last night?" - God
"Yeah. I know ." - God
"Don't forget the milk." - God
Jon,
I'm not familiar with this "pop and lock" dance that you speak of. Can you please post a video of yourself demonstrating it?
Thanks,
Huck
I love it!! That was hilarious!!
"Heaven. We'll leave the gate open for you."
"Still as cute as the day I created you. Hope I get to see you again. --God"
"In heaven, we give out free unicorns... and iPhones."
"I know what you did last summer...making purple at camp is so not cool."
"You think your pastor has a nice throne-chair onstage at church? Just wait 'til you see mine...I've got a mini fridge built in."
"Flick your wrist. That's the key to a killer frolf toss."
-God
I love Godspeaks billboards, but I don't think it would work here in the UK, however I have seen some really great verses on posters at train stations. And not like graffiti, like a Christian actually paid to put them up.
I once put Godspeaks quotes around my school. Teachers took them down for being "too radical" and the Atheists put up their versions. However they STAYED up for weeks. The education system is so unfair. Amusingly, all the Christian teachers gave me kudos :D
If I could think of one, it would be "I AM the greatest love you could ever know" (see the little pun there, that only Christians would get)
"I don't believe you exist either." - God.
"building waterslide parks for my eventual arrival"...i'm all 4 that lol. this post takes the cake boss. the list was ridiculous...pop and lock breakdance rofl.
I am full of energy so I had my billboard designed for busy people
"Be still, be still,be still....and know that I AM God!
(Sometimes God needs to repeat himself with me)
these are greaT!
About #9, the radio version sounds to me like "How Crate is our Cod." I'm thinking God would say "enunciate, for my sake"
The version doesn't matter. Just live it. -- God
I think God would give some good advice to drivers:
"Texting while driving: $5,000 in car repair bills. Talking to Me instead: priceless." - God.
"Talking to Me is always hands-free." - God.
"Quit making people cry on the last day of camp."-God
Everyone else had come up with all the cool ones, I didn't have much to choose from. Anyway, this post was off the chain, yo! Sorry, I got all wrapped up in the pop and lock thing...and I watched "Stomp the Yard" the other day.
Stop waiting for the movie - READ THE BOOK! - God
"You won't find me in a tomb." - Jesus
8. "I will never give you the answer. I will always be the answer." - God
That is the one that hits it home.
I always thought about doing this one:
"I said the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Not a way, a truth and a life." -Jesus
"Rethink that graphic Tee." - God
Come visit me sometime -- we'll ride the dino of your choice. -- God
"Don't blame me for Kanye West." - God
Maybe one that says something like,
"Dude. Really?"
or.
"quit reading this and look at the road! You're making ME nervous!"
Maybe cheesy. But, hey... you know.
"You're not the boss of me." -God
"Anonymous comments? Silly, I know who you are." -God
"Your opinion isn't necessarially mine." - God
"I have my own Scripture Sipper. It's ginormous." -God
"I wish DC Talk would tour again. I am the original Jesus Freak." -God
"I heart Louisville. It's the new Mecca. Not that I endorse Mecca. I'm just saying." - God
"I do not endorse pop and lock. Ever." -God
I love #4 and #8.
"I heard you the first time...but I'm still listening" - God
"Heaven is not a half-pipe. I don't even know what that means" - God
"Yeah I made the duck billed platypus - what was I thinking?" - God
"You owe me money!" - God
"Stuff Christians Like is the only blog I read" - God
"Make sure you wear clean under wear tomorrow. I'm not saying something bad is gonna happen but you wouldn't want your mother to be ashamed when they scrape you up would you?" - God
"Your bling is not the Treasure I was talking about." - God
"Secretly, I love the blob, too." - God
"Friends are friends forever. Where are you going to spend it with them?" - God
"I will not bless you/curse you for forwarding/not forwarding that e-mail"
-- God
"That's my name, don't wear it out...literally"- God
"Quit trying to think of a witty response to the blog and get back to work."
-- God
Hucklebuck -
that last one was great, good stuff
Jon
"I will not be at Church this Sunday, anything goes." - God
Modest is the hottest. - God
If you have nothing plus Me, you'd have everything. - God
Sex in marriage. The only time it is appropriate to scream my name. - God
Here is my The Shack inspired message ....
Jesus. He's not the best way. He's the ONLY way. - God
I absolutely loved those!!! You should try and market them to the black billboard market (I don't know who is in charge of the boards). I had to laugh!
Also, yesterday at church, our worship leader was talking and I had to chuckle because it led right into the last song of the set.
"It's five-o'clock somewhere." -God
"I know you thought it was junk, but if you don't forward that email to 10 people by tonight, I won't love you anymore." -God
"If you name your kids Bible names you can jump the line at the gates." -God
"Hi. You've reached 1-800-HeavenHelpUsAllWeDoIsAskForThings. All lines are busy, but if you leave your name, number, and a detailed request we'll get back to you as soon as possible, and possibly never. Thanks, and God bless." -God
"Home-school sucks." -God
"What? The Cubs lost? That's because I'm a Yankee fan." -God
"Your kids drive you nuts? My kids do too." God
"My dad can beat up your dad." -Jesus
"I side hug." God
"Don't put a fish on your car if you are going to drive like that" - God
Powerpoint? Seriously? - God
One that's good for summers in the southern states:
"You think it's hot here?" - God
I saw you stir that orange drink with your arm. - God
It's VBS, buy the little angels some good cookies. - God
Stay away from the pot luck dish the Dove Lady brought. - God
I give the Preacher his sermons but he buys his own clothes. - God
Singing a chorus two times through will suffice. - God
Anon - This one you submitted is brilliant. I love it:
I give the Preacher his sermons but he buys his own clothes. - God
"If I am your co-pilot then you are in the wrong seat" -God
"Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer" - God
Just a heads up, I call on people who don't raise their hands in church. -- God
This is a billboard. Your butt is not. - God
Seriously, you think I'm that small? - God
That whole taking care of widows and orphans thing - I meant that. - God
I heart unibrows - God
Prosperity gospel made me laugh so hard that milk came out my nose - God
"I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal." - God
"If you think Chuck Norris is the man, I made him." - God
"A torture device should not be a designer accessory." - God
Aww man you totally ruined How Great is Our God for me... I never noticed til you pointed it out. Lol, hilarious post.
some of these saying are allright, but isn't some of the billboard stuff a little borderline screwed up? i mean, i think it gives the wrong impression of God when we put things like "Don't make me come down there" on a billboard. It makes our awesome God sound like an angry and impatient man. the love ones i'm for, but i think it is a BIG DEAL when we put words flippantly in God Almighty's mouth. We say things like...
How Great is our God
No one can fathom
Your thoughts are higher than mine
etc.
I think we should be humorous and have fun, but I draw the line when it doesn't do Our Maker justice.
I don't mean to be a kill joy, but I hate things like this. Not in the old church lady on SNL kind of way. More in a "Let's not make God more of a cartoon character than we already have" kind of way.
These statements do not reflect the character or position of God. All we are saying to the world is "We don't take God seriously, so you don't have to take him seriously either."
I don't think this is an overreaction either. Even the very secular artist Ben Folds reflects on this in his song "Jesusland". "Billboards quoting things you never say / you hang your head and pray."
Not that quoting a musician proves anything...but it does give us an outsiders perspective on what many Christians would call "cute" and "harmless".
Am I wrong?
"Never play leap-frog with a unicorn." -God
"I believe in you." -God
"I let the dogs out OK? Now shut up about it." -God
"I really prefer sky-writting" -God
"Tell the kids I love them." -God
"I can't wait for the new season of Heroes" -God
"BOOO!...ha ha got ya." -God
"Do I look fat?" -God
1. "Heaven has Saber Toothed Tigers guarding the Pearly Gates. I'm just sayin"
-God
2. "Reading Harry Potter books isn't a sin, it's just dorky." -God
3. "Rainbows are beautiful, not gay." -God
4. "I hate Christian bumper stickers." -God
5. "Electricity is not evil" -God
6. "I look nothing like Morgan Freeman." -God
7. "Gabriel doesn't like angel food cake" -God
8. "I don't have long white hair, or a beard." -God
9. "Yes all dogs go to heaven, but all cats go to hell." -God
and the last one I decided to be a little serious:
10. "Love thy neighbor is not a piece of advice. It's a command."
"Who's your Daddy?"- God
I take God very seriously. However, I don't take these billboards seriously at all. But, depending on your perspective, it may seem too fine a distinction.
Leg drop the pastor--God
What? You didn't get the Rolls Royce I sent? Pray some more--God
Don't blame me I voted for (insert your favorite politician here)--God
La Di Da Di--Slick Rick
And for the folks against the billboard thing, you are right, they are probably a bad thing, which is why they are being lampooned, satirized and parodied.
"You thought the 4th of July fireworks were impressive, huh? Pillar of fire, anyone?"
"My kid can save your kid. And you, too."
The above ideas have been totally pirated from the brilliant mind of Greg Barra.
There was a discussion about God's Billboards on my blog a couple weeks ago. Here is the link:
http://blog.amoslanka.com/2008/06/28/gods-billboards-an-example-of-un-love/
sabre-toothed tigers.. awesome.
oh man, #9 is awesome - I've been thinking that for years!!! Sorry I'm not so creative so I have nothing to add to the hilarious quotes.
"I wear jeans" - God
"I saw you in the gym last Sunday morning." - God
"If you keep driving like that, you'll see me in no time."
Also
"Stop, Drop, and Roll will not save you from catching on fire in hell."
"The Sabbath, a Day of Rest: Don't buy the lie." - God
"Booty."
-God
I will come back with more time to read all comments, if this is a repeat - don't publish it ... but mine for today is -
"Quit boxing me in"
-God
and
"You think you get me. But I am so much better than you think." -God
or the old standby -
"I rule" - God
and lastly -
"bring it"
-God
great posts today.
t. & t.
"anything you can do I can do better. I made you".
God.
"I am not a vending machine in the sky." - God
"Jesus was homeschooled." - God
Abby
"I created whole earth and the best you can do in return is this lousy billboard?"
"Please be patient, my people mean well"
"I AM trying to help you but you keep screwing it up!"
Amy and clifgriffin
I totally see you're points. God should not be mocked. But somehow, I've always seen God as able to laugh at himself. I know that sounds strange becuase God is perfect and unchanging so the idea that there is something to laugh at is tough to comprehend. But i guess I always saw God as someone who CAN understand why my finite mind might consider something funny and laugh with me rather than someone who gets peeved becuase my mind can not comprehend His imensity and greatness. He knows I can't understand Him or His nature fully. He made it impossable for me to do it. So I think that, in a way, God takes joy in my taking joy in understanding the limits of my mind and expressing it in ways like little pithy sayings.
As far as what it say to others about how we see Him. I think you have a better point there. But I still think more people will be disarmed at a Christian who can laugh at him/herself and joke about God then they would about someone who always demands we take God seriously. I want to communicate a God who longs to laugh and accept not one who longs for only serious discussion.
Now, what'll happen is that one day I'll be face to face with Him and he'll just smile and shake His head at me for even typing this stuff. But ultimately I think He'll say something like, "Well John, at least you were trying." Sometimes I think that is best we can hope for. Thanks for your point of view...you have given me much more to think about. God Bless.
-John Hall
Fresno, CA
you know, I think it'd be kinda cool to meet a saber tooth tiger... but a nice one, like in the flintstones, I'm sure that's not the kind they have in hell, I hope they have the nice kind in heaven, that'd be sweet.
There is a billboard that I drive by almost everyday that reads, "Your Mother was Pro-Life"... It's not authored by God though. Anyways, it frustrates me to all end. Not because I believe in abortion, but because it is a blatant logical error. The opposite of "Pro-Life" is not "kill all the babies"... you can be "pro-choice" and choose to have a baby. I think I'll burn down that sign.
Anyways, it's kinda unrelated, but this post reminded me and I wanted to rant.
God's Glory,
Lew
The Pursuit Online Store
"stop using me as an excuse for your fear of commitment."-God
(dedicated to all the heartbreak that happens after the summer camp trips with your youth group. hopefully that can be read on the drive back through the party van's windows)
"i'll pray for you. (i mean it. look, i wrote it down in my bulletin)"-God
"Fine Baha Men, you got me... I let the dogs out." -God
To blake: The Anchorman reference made me laugh really hard. Props!
And #10 was amazing. :-)
I'm originally from South Florida, where the billboards started. It was really cool and quite powerful at the time... mainly because no one knew where they came from. The group that did it was completely anonymous and preferred to stay that way. I don't think any one has ever "admitted" to doing it. I like that the most, that some Christian or group of Christians, did something, to make a point, and didn't go writing press releases about it... and for the most part, they weren't super "religious" in them either.
point being, i liked them!
and then they started making t shirts like them. (I'm pretty sure it wasn't the original creators who did those shirts) and then my mom bought one... and yeah.. not so cool anymore.
"I'm easier to find than you think: I answer knee-mail." - God
(sorry, I know that one's really cheesy)
"Can you hear me now?" - God
"Take a breather for once and let me see to it." - God
"Cribz should do a special never-ending episode about my place." - God
I'm not that creative, but I thought I'd give it a shot. Just recently discovered SCL, and I'm loving it! God bless!
Jon, your #8 gave me a cold chill--that's awesome. I can't think up any of my own, though.
so...largely unrelated to your post, and yet connected...
in alaska, when we refer to "the states" we are talking about the "lower 48" a.k.a...everyone but alaska and hawaii.
Who knew I was such a good lawyer? - God.
Frisbee was my best design yet. - God.
Put some G O D's on that Cadillac. - God
Sorry for that last one but I could not help myself.
"It's hotter in hell." - God
"Here's lookin' at you, kid."
Amy Tarleton...amen sister
'Enough With that "I can only Imagine " song. Seriously, even I AM sick of it!!"
-God
haha--let me try!
"I know you're speeding." - God
"Eat more manna." - God
"Living Word, yo." - God
"Seeking my will? I wish you'd go back to Urim and Thummim." - God
"I AM old school." - God
"Hey kid, call home." - God
"Dear saints, I don't like it, beloved children, when you, brothers and sisters in Christ, use my name, creations of my own image, excessively, recipients of the Holy Spirit, when speaking to me, heirs of the righteousness that comes through faith, either." - God
"You know, I'm actually not sure why the dinosaurs are extinct."
"I did knit you in your mother's womb. But I don't knit anything else. Because that's not manly. However, I don't think I'm a man... hmm. I think I might just ponder on this another few thousand years..."
"I can fly. Can you?"
"I know what you're going to do today. And tomorrow. And the day after that... and..."
"Dragons are real. Just kidding."
Well, I tried. =)
"There's no roaming fees or dead zones to talk to me"
- God
"90% goes farther than 100%, trust me, I made it that way"
- God
"Just one day to celebrate my son's death for you? Come on people."
- God
"Eat Mor Chikin"
-God
"I'm the new black"
- God
"You're the voice I hear inside my head"
-God
"There's more than one nation under me you know."
- God
"I could make Hell freeze over if you like, or would you prefer to have pigs fly?"
- God
"I've been to Hell and back again."
- God
"Diary of a Savior, You think you know, but you have no idea."
- Jesus
those are some i could think of, not as funny as yours but worth sharing. Maybe make some people laugh. one of my favorite church signs of all time is "Stop drop and roll won't work in hell" but it was already mentioned ;)
Love one another. It means the world to me. -- God
My son was the ultimate honor student -- God
Don't go to church. Be the church!
special k, turbo and ozone would be so proud to have made this heavenly list...
i think the best billboard:
Check out stuffchristianslike.net. It's my favorite - God.
Anyone who is unable to laugh with/about God is missing the heart of the gospel-abundant life is centered on joy-without it-we remain part of the problem of Christianity-reverence has its place-but respectful irreverance is offensive to those who are too afraid to believe that God is a comedian playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. That last part was a quote from Voltaire.
Here's my billboards
You know Jesus was Arab and not blond haired and blue eyed right?
-God
When it said I love everyone-it means more than just rich straight people you know that right? -God
You know piety dosen't gain salvation-it's grace remember?-God
Stop trying too hard to make me love you-I already love you. -God
Don't you think you're being a little too hard on yourself? -God
Bigots and racism make me rethink the whole flood thing.
-God
Can someone ask Pat Robertson to stop talking in public? -God
Grace,
Dwight
Just gotta say, Dwight. Jesus is Jewish.
Great post, Jon. I have to resist the urge to read this all day at work.
Ooh! 100th comment! There are perks to coming late, yes there are. Mr. Monk would greatly approve of my 100th comment status. (If someone else swoops in and steals my 100th comment space while I'm typing this, I will leg drop them. And I'm pretty tall for a girl, so I'm sure I can take them. If not, it's okay. My husband knows Judo and will take them down for me.)
I like some of the God billboards. Some are just ridiculously cheesy. But yours are awesome! Especially #5. I think people need to hear that. Seriously. You should contact the writers (er, I mean, the Writer?) and send them yours.
And ooh, the one odgie posted about no matter who wins the election, God will still be here, is excellent. As much as I wish he was, God is not a Republican, so I suppose I ought to stop worrying about a socialist taking over next year if Obama gets elected, hmm? If it happens, it just gives me an excuse to move to Australia - something I've been looking for for a long time. ;o)
Oh man, I just read the rest of the comments. Nothing I can come up with beats the "I don't believe in you either," "Don't blame me for Kanye," and the reworking of John 14:6.
http://www.cultivatinghome.blogspot.com/
I love hannah's:
"I don't believe you exist either -God"
Good one!!! hahahaha
"If you get lost on this road, you can consult a map. If you get lost in life, what will you consult?" - God
"I made cows fat, slow, and stupid for you and you're trying to say they evolved?" - God
I would write more but it's late and I'm tired.
You are your brothers keeper I'm not kidding- God
This is my favorite of your blogs. I especially like the one where God mentions Bathsheba and then asks me what I'm worried about. It puts things in perspective. Thanks for doing this.
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