I don't care if you grew up in Croatia or California. If you ever misbehaved during church as a child, then your mom or dad administered a "church grab." This is that subtle move when they reach out across the seats or pews and, with a kung fu grip, grab some chunk of you to make you stop whatever it is you are doing. It's an effective deterrent from acting up during the middle of the sermon.
But I'm a dad now and I was recently horrified to learn how little this topic had been covered from an academic perspective. I mean at the heart, I'm a pretty serious scientist of awesomeness, but so few websites do the church grab justice. That's why I decided to match different variations of the church grab to the different belt levels you earn in Kenpo karate. I know what you're thinking, "Oh great, another guy writing about how you can earn your black belt in the church grab, real unique buddy." You got me, that's exactly what I am going to do.
White Belt Church Grab
Skill level: Low, anyone can do this move.
What it means: "Stop it! Right this second, stop that." This is a blanket move meant to cover a variety of offenses. At this point your mom is bothered but not enraged by your behavior.
Yellow Belt Church Grab
Skill level: Low to Medium.
What it means: "Be quiet! Stop making all that noise." This church grab is focused on sound issues. You're talking with your brother too loudly or singing the bulletin doodle song ("Doodle, doodle, doodle, sing my song. Doodle, doodle, doodle, cause the sermon's long.")
Orange Belt Church Grab
Skill level: Medium, we're starting to see some technique
What it means: "If you touch your brother again, you are in trouble." Ouch, mom's starting to apply a little pressure. This church grab is to limit any kind of pushing or hitting or kicking you are doing to your brother or sister. She scooted too close to you and you shoved her back down the pew which caused her to slide into the elderly gentleman next to her, starting a chain reaction of people bumping each other.
Purple Belt Church Grab
Skill level: Medium to High
What it means: "Put that away right now. Put it under your seat and do not pick it up again. I can't believe you brought that in church." Uh oh, you've got something you shouldn't have in God's sanctuary. Doesn't really matter what it is. It could be anything from your pet snake to some sort of gummy snack you grabbed from home. You have some contraband and dad is not going to let that slide.
Brown Belt Church Grab
Skill level: High
What it means: "When we leave today, I am taking away your television privileges, including all your video games and your gameboy and anything else in life that gives you enjoyment. That is going to leave a bruise on that poor lady." Oh no, you threw something. You had a pencil or an eraser or a hymnal and you just launched it into the air because there's something beautiful about the way it arches through the otherwise silent air, fluttering like a dove, eventually landing on someone's head near the front row. But now you're grounded. Was it worth it? Yes, yes it was.
Black Belt Church Grab
Skill level: Extreme skill. Bail out Maverick, this will be bad
What it means: "Come with me." This is the worst possible thing that can happen during church. You're about to be sent to the car. Your mom or dad is giving you the "holy heave ho," kicking you out of church like a bouncer throwing out a drunk who is causing trouble at a bar. Nothing good can come of this. I promise.
For the record, my mom has a black belt in the church grab. I think that on some level, all pastor's wives learn to become skilled in this secret art. And my brothers and I certainly gave her plenty of opportunities to sharpen her skills.
black belt means you're being sent to the car? NO WAY, BUDDY........you are going OUT, having some discipline applied to your posterior, and then brought back in, so other parents can see your mom's awesome parenting skills, and your tear stained face can strike the fear of God into all other misbehaving kids.....
ReplyDeletenot that i'm speaking from personal experience or anything like that....
Timely message for us all. I also incorporate sign language. That's another beauty of knowing American Sign Language (ASL). I can yell at my kids in church and no one surrounding us knows what's being said (and yes, you can 'yell' in sign language)! Parents, teach your children ASL while they're young and when you are in church they will not be able to use the excuse "I couldn't hear you" or "I didn't understand what you wanted".
ReplyDeleteWe had a name for my dad's grip, it was called "The Claw". We usually sat in the pew in front of our parents, and dad could reach out and apply the grip without anyone seeing.
ReplyDeleteWe had a corner store right near church that we were forbidden to go to between sunday school and the main service. but we went often anyway. and if you were ever too loud getting those swedish fish out of the paper bag, the claw would come in with such force, it made you never want to eat candy again.
Wow, if only I had been raised in the Church to experience this insanity. I will have to rely on blogs like this one to guide my parenting abilities when that day comes.
ReplyDeleteAs a mom I have mastered the "snap and point" move. But if things get really bad I do the "snap, point, and stare". You know, that stare where your eyes kind of bug out of your head and your lips are pursed together as if to say, "I dare you to let me spank the demons out of you."
ReplyDeleteMan, my parents had mad skillz; at least black belts.
ReplyDeleteNot only did they utilize the “come with me” combined with liberal application of biblical principles to my posterior; then we would then go home and have practice sessions on “being still” in church.
Two chairs set next to each other where we’d sit for an hour or two practicing “being still” before the Lord. By the time my youngest brother grew up, he had mastered it so well he has grown up to be a traditional Presbyterian.
By the time I became a parent I’d mastered an entirely new level:
“Zen and the art of “stop that” church hand signs”.
I could sing the veiled threat to the tune and tempo of whatever hymn we were singing from our dusty hymnal. And my son could sing his appropriate apology in response.
That plus, he learned sign language as he learned to talk-so I was able to “yell” at him in sign language “stop, that now”, “sit, down, now” or the infamous ‘”later”, all with a smile on my face.
Instead of the hand grab, my dad had a snap. It was a very sleathy, ninja-like move in the fact that he could get my attention, let me know I was in trouble, and yet still never touch me, speak to me, or even glance in my direction. In my head it was like a prison alarm going off, but yet nobody else seemed to notice it.
ReplyDeleteOf course there was at least one time that I can remember when that didn't work and I got taken out of the church to get spanked. The worst part was that my parents always set in the center aisle, 3 rows from the front of the church so everybody noticed. And the fact that I was 23. Ok, I made that last part up.
My Daddy's preacher father stopped preaching, stalked in silence to the back row where my daddy was goofing off with his buddies, and marched him straight up front using the church "gotcha by the ear" towing technique. Dad sat on the front row in humiliation for the rest of the service. Nowhere else to go. Man! Just hearing the story was enough to (mostly) keep my sister and I in line. Plus, Dad was the Minister of Education, which limited his pulpit intimidation opportunities to the announcement time.
ReplyDeleteMelissa in Raleigh
My mom was a silent assassin. She would sit with her arms crossed, and whenever I would start to "bother" her, she would take the hand closest to me and hidden from view in the shadows of the her folded arms and grab a chunk of skin and twist.
ReplyDeleteI'm convinced that my childhood pastor thought I was either epileptic or slightly mentally incapacitated.
Donna's right. When we went to the car, it was always for a beating, and then we were brought back in so that everyone could see that our mom wasn't messing around. To this day, I'm not sure which is worse: The dread you feel while trudging out (like being on death row, all those kids watching and feeling sorry for you on the one hand and being really glad that it's not them on the other) or the shame you feel when Mom parades you back in (everyone knows what went down, but you have to pretend nothing happened and/or it didn't hurt).
ReplyDeleteBeing no old pro at fatherhood, I nonetheless suspect KenpÅ to be for mere novices when dealing with our end-time youth. Perhaps we need to focus on attaining the proper Kokoro. A facial expression that stuns your adversaries’ muscles and temporarily stops the beating of their hearts is always handy. The delivery of a crushing look helps me outwardly maintain a public persona of being above corporal punishment while allowing me to cut off my young spawn from ever becoming worthy opponents. Then, with my next movement, I can flash a pious look in the direction of the pastor as my children sit in frozen obedience.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother had the "stealth grab." She had really long fingernails and could always reach that fleshy part of the back of your arm and pinch. Paired with the pinch was the stare that meant "I dare you to yell because I just pinched your arm." She could pinch you before you knew she was nearby. It was her spiritual gift. And I grew up with little fingernail shaped bruises on the backs of my arms.
ReplyDeleteAlong with the hand grab there's the clearing of the throat. I went to a church where all the music minister's wife had to do was clear her throat to get her 4 kids in line. She probably weighed 100 lbs soaking wet, but she could clear her throat like a burly old man. I never witnessed what happend beyond her clearing her throat, but it must have been bad because her kids stopped whatever they were doing immediately. Sometimes me and my husband practice it just for fun.
ReplyDeleteAs many have said here if that is a black belt them my parents must have been karate masters . . . (oddly enough I never once remember my dad taking my bothers out . . . )
ReplyDelete@christy: good to meet another asl'r.
ReplyDeleteexcept my son also learned to "cover his eyes"...ha! ha!
For the uninitiated it's not uncommon in deaf child for them to cover their eyes so they can't "hear" what you are saying...
After years of back-of-the-arm-stealth pinching, my parents took a different tact. They volunteered to start children's church. It worked like a charm for me and every kid in the room. We went to just the music part and then paraded back to safety in a faraway room. The world will never know how many countless bruises and beatings were stopped.
ReplyDeleteStinkin' hilarious... don't forget about the choir mom look that stops all pew actions with a single glare...
ReplyDeletei have no memory of :mom's wrath: in church....(mom was the organist and dad a deacon...we NEVER sat together.....)
ReplyDeleteso i emailed her the post and this is what she sent back....
You don’t remember the Christmas cantata at Green Acres, either I guess. You were about 2 ½, Papa was one of the wise men bearing gifts and they walked down the aisle toward the alter. Papa was wearing his bathrobe and you stood up on the seat and said, “There’s my Papa!!!.” I clamped my hand over your mouth very quickly and sat you in my lap. That was probably the last cantata we went to there.
apparently we were the life of the party!!!
Bwahahaha.
ReplyDelete"I think that on some level, all pastor's wives learn to become skilled in this secret art.">
I know I have. Although you left out the "Snap, Point, Evil Eye." This is the one and only my children get before banishment. It's a finely honed and skilled move involving a slight twitch of the eyelid as well as tightly pursed lips. All words and warning are understood clearly with this move.
I tried the pinch and stare with my youngest daughter once and she yelled out, "MOMMY! WHY DID YOU PINCH ME?" So, I picked her up to take her out and all the way down the aisle she screamed, "NO MOMMY NO!" like I was in the habit of beating her. Two old ladies followed me out to see if we were 'okay'. The more I tried to explain that I was just taking her to sit in the foyer not to assault her the redder I got. Now that she's older, we do the sign language thing. It works wonders!
ReplyDeletegood post. just an idea...maybe you could use the terrorism threat level as a comparison on a future post.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.dhs.gov/xinfoshare/programs/Copy_of_press_release_0046.shtm
Sometimes I get hungry at church so here's mine.
Low- I'm full. Had a good breakfast. Good to go.
Guarded- I hope the little I ate lasts me. I should. I'll take some peppermints just in case.
Elevated- Okay pastor. Watch the time, watch the time. time to break out the peppermints and gum. Hopefully that'll buy me time.
High- Oh no....I just realized I'm volunteering with the kids for the second service. I'm not going to make it. I'm going to the convenience store during the break.
Severe- Oh my. Why did I come to the second service? I'm starving. "Honey, did you happen to forget to put the Goldfish in the diaper bag? I know I don't like them but can I please have them? What you don't have them? What else do you have?" I hope the people around me didn't hear my stomach growl.
etc. You are a better writer than I. Feel free to add your twist.
I have two church grabs burned into my memory- neither of which happened to me (but I did cause one of them). My brother and I were acting up in church and my mom applied the pinch to the back of the arm to my brother (he was closer). Rather than straightening up, my brother screamed at the top of his lungs "You're hurting me!", which prompted the black belt grab and walk of shame out of the sanctuary.
ReplyDeleteThe other incident occurred after I was newly married. I was sitting in the choir loft (back in the day, we had such things) and up in the balcony, a young girl was acting up, so her father grabbed her to take her out (of the sanctuary, not consciousness)- only she would not go quietly- she began kicking, screaming and flailing herself on the ground. It was like a car accident that you can't look away from- everyone on the platform was staring and the rest of the congregation was left wondering what was going on overhead.
By the way, there are at least two things worse than the church grab: if your parent is in the choir and comes down off the platform to sit with you (mortifying as a teenager) or if the pastor calls you by name during the sermon- yikes!
Grab?
ReplyDeleteI am such a master, I have elevated beyond the grab.
I simply tap my son on the shoulder, stare him down and he stops misbehaving.
"You sure look like a master to me."
Don't forget the "I teach Sunday School glare" as my brother and I called it. Growing up in a small town, everyone knows everyone; everyone knows if your mother teaches Sunday school. If we were in ANY social situation and we said or did something inappropriate, we got the glare. Death threats followed then we had to return to the crime scene and apologize to all parties... I am not a Sunday school teacher, but is the "glare" something that is taught? I gotta know. Learning the glare would be worth signing up.
ReplyDeleteMelissa in NC
Can Homer Simpson be the patron saint?
ReplyDeleteI love the bart neck strangle in church
OOoh... ouch! See - My dad had to actually sit ON stage with the pastors when I was really little, adn mom sang with the praise team. So I got the Evil eyes, and the big-mouthed-words from the stage! It was WAY obvious to the world what they were saying and who they were talking to. EMBARRASSING as ALL get out!
ReplyDeleteAnd when that wasn't enough, or just "happened" to not make eye contact (which by the way, was by my awkward intentional avoidance), they'd like "motion" to the ushers to hone in. Not cool!
My mom did the armfleshgrab, but my dad mastered the arm-around-the-shoulder-thump-to-the-back-of-the-head. To the thumpee, the sound echoing in your head is loud enough for all to hear.
ReplyDeleteOur family version was nicknamed the "Dobson death grip", and quickly brought our sweet little miscreants in check. Think Spock's neck pinch on Star Trek and you've got it. Use sparingly, please!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Donna. I'm a PK and my mom's a black belt. She didn't have to tell me that I needed to go outside, she just gave the "THE LOOK" and that was it.
ReplyDeleteOr the "Wait until you get home". Many a times I spend wondering just how I could get out from going home.
I'd love to see a post on how pastors call down the unrully - the cell phone stare down - the I'll wait until you quit whispering loudly pause - and the like. I think these are skills that should be taught in Seminary, right next to apologetics and New Testament Theology.
ReplyDeleteHELP! Anyone..im looking for the post that Jon did about the story of he and his friend who had the terrible gag reflex...and his liking that to sin. Anyone rememebr which site and where?!?
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of the "Joyce Landorf" Christian speaker routine. Mom, in the choir watching her kids misbehave, holds up 1 finger: That means whatever you are doing CUT IT OUT! Two fingers go up- #2 You didn't cut it out.....#3 is coming. She reports she never got to do,#3 but always wanted to do it....#3....She dramatically leaves the choir loft and merely SITS by her adolescent children.Shaming them in front of the church. Oh by golly it's enough to make you want to join the choir!
ReplyDeleteA variation of the Black Belt Church Grab - the offending child is the SON of the pastor who is actually preaching. The mother of said son is working in one of the children's ministry rooms and unavailable for disciplinary purposes. Pastor actually leaves the stage, Black Belt Grabs the son and they leave for an "intermission". It struck fear into the hearts of every witness, adult and child alike!
ReplyDeleteto anon, I think the post you are looking for was titled "slow dancing with temptation", or something like that. My husband and I have instantly adopted "It's coming through the corn!!" Best post ever, because I laughed until I cried, and walked away with something that changed the way I thought about sin.
ReplyDeleteI need to tell a story on my dad...
ReplyDeleteMy dad's father is a pastor, and when he was growing up, he was acting up in the back of the church one particular Sunday. My grandpa used the less subtle approach and said, "David, quit that!" from the pulpit. However, not only did my dad straighten up, but there were two other Davids in the audience that also started to behave from that exclamation. I guess that saved those Davids' parents from attempting the "stop that" hand grabs.
When I was a young child my mother regularly used her black belt death grip on us . . . but as we got older she perfected the Throat Clearing of Doom.
ReplyDeleteWe'd be sitting in the back row with our friends, passing notes and getting silly, and all of a sudden the sound of my mother clearing her throat would echo through the sanctuary. And we knew, like we knew that water was wet, that we would NOT be going out with the gang after church for hamburgers or pizza, and that quite possibly we would not be going anywhere for the next six years.
My mom still uses her Throat Clearing of Doom when the kids at church start messing around. She's the pastor's wife and a lot of the kids come without parents.
And let me tell you, when that sound is heard in the church sanctuary, pretty much everyone under the age of thirty sits up straighter and shuts up.
You don't mess with the Pastor's Wife and the Throat Clearing of Doom.
Hey, this post made me think of another possible topic, in the unlikely event/crisis that you should ever run out -- referring to the church building as "God's house." As in the following usage from my childhood: "Don't run in God's house." I guess I thought God's house was a bit like my grandma's - stuffed full of little knick-knacks that could fall off the shelf and break if a child were to run. I confess, it's also a bit of a theological pet peeve for me - didn't that go out with the temple?
ReplyDeleteI've been on a worship team since right after my first child was born, then i've been a minister of worship for the past 14 years, so I've ALWAYS been on stage during church. When I first started leading worship my children were about 3,7 and 9 maybe and my husband was frequently out of town. So I would sit them on the front row to watch them. BAD MISTAKE. It is hard to look worshipful while glaring at three children who are "touching" one another. I couldn't just close my eyes either. We all know ignorance is NOT bliss with our kids - that's a recipe for disaster and I'd be the last to know. So I would sing with this very pained look on my face, kind of twist my head and glare at them while pointing from my side very discreetly. This - apparently - did not help our congregation worship. For some reason people found this distracting. :) so i farmed my kids out to other families and threatened them. They were fine when not together.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, but I think you're overlooking one important factor--the ability of the parent to maintain composure above the pew, while striking fear into you with the grab below the pew.
ReplyDeleteIt's incredible...you feel the harsh grab, jerking your attention away from your fun. You've felt this before in supermarkets and what not. But when you look up, quite unlike the supermarket, you're totally surprised to see your mom's face perfectly still, a wan smile on her lips as she continues to take in the sermon or hymn.
And somehow she utters some scary phrase of doom into your ear as she calmly leans over, and maintains her composure all the while.
I think the level at which a parent can do this is what distinguishes the color of belts, my friend.
Same goes for how well they can maintain composure as they haul you down the pew, and down the aisle out of church.
Thanks for the great posts!
As a worship leader, I often have to apply some of these techniques after leading a passionate song set (during which my children were being as distracting as a horsefly in a staff meeting). Upon returning to my seat next to them and settling in for the sermon, I apply the hand grab, with an intensity on downward pressure, as in, "if I could force your leg through the pew fabric, padding and wooden seat, I would continue pushing you into the church basement where I would whip your behind." I often do this while maintaining an intense focus with my eyes fixed on the pastor..."nothing happening here folks."
ReplyDeleteYou forgot to mention the "death is coming when we get out of here" little throat clearing *ahem* my mom used to do the few times she let us sit in the youth row. To this day it strikes terror in my heart. I'm trying my hardest to perfect it on my own kids but even myself doing it scares me so I seem to lack the authority my Mom has.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I've been in churches where the pastor would call the kids by name from the pulpit, whether or not they were his, and if it was a small child crying he would mention the wonderful nursery the church had. He was great, you never knew what he might say as part of his sermons or even completely out of the blue. But then on the flip side, I was in a church once and there was, I kid you not, an Elvis impersonator, in full white caped, gold studded jumpsuit glory, sitting in the very front row in the center section. Half way through the sermon, you guessed it, Elvis got up and walked out. The pastor said NOTHING. I mean nothing. I couldn't stand it. I started giggling. And before I could stop myself, and before I could make my way out because I knew it was coming, I said it. Elvis has left the building. My husband walked out with me.
The church grab is nothing on my dad's church glare. I think he only had to use it once and I never acted up in church again.
ReplyDeleteLike Stacy, I too have mastered the way of the snap and point. And I deploy it with a gritted teeth-squinted eye look that does the trick every time. It even works on wayward youth group kids who are texting during the sermon...
ReplyDeleteYou should also talk about the PK glare. My parents would force my sister and I to sit in the first pew in the front, so that my father could see us from the pulpit. If we were acting up, he'd glare at us.
ReplyDeleteOne time, my sister and I were allowed to sit with friends. We decided to be rebellious and not stand up during one of the songs. My father literally got down from the platform, walked over to my sister and I and threatened to punish us...while the sermon was going on.
That's not even black belt. That's ninja.
What happened to blue and green? I witness this all the time at my church. It's great, though, when the parent has no idea whatsoever what to do and just lets the kid stay. Somehow I doubt the preacher appreciates it in the middle of his sermon, though, when a kid cries something out and everyone starts cracking up.
ReplyDeleteTo Joe:
ReplyDeleteThat was a quote from "The Last Dragon!" Awesome!
I was once taken out of church and walked around outside with my dad while he explained the excruciating pain and misery hell would be.
ReplyDeleteI smartened up.
I was such a goody-good that my parents didn't get much of a chance to hone their "technique" on me, but my brothers...
ReplyDeleteMy best friend tells me that when she and her 4 siblings were acting out in church (they always sat with their parents), her big, red-haired father would lean over and ask "do you want me to take you downstairs?". She says she didn't know what was down there but knew she didn't want to go there with him when he was angry!
Between my friend and I we have six kids (her- 4, me- 2) and they're near the same ages. We would let them sit in the row ahead of us four adults. When the offending child was not in front of the appropriate parent, the wife of the other couple would administer the "slap up the back of the head" or the "straight-jointed finger poke" to the shoulder blade. Usually quiet ensued. Once they were old enough to start sitting with their friends, all four of us adults were in the choir. There have been MANY a choir glare from the four of us to the six of them, and sometimes not just parent to child-- sometimes friend to friend's child. But they work!
My father was a deacon and was up front prior to the sermon as he had to read the announcements. He had what we called "The Look of Death". When my brothers and I got squirmy, he would bore holes in our heads with his eyeballs.
ReplyDeleteOne time my middle brother decided to avoid eye contact. When my father got up to read the announcments he made it all the way through and then employed his "Principal's Voice". Normally a baritone, "And don't forget the Men's Breakfast at Denny's this Saturday at 6am.", he dropped to a bass at the end of the announcments and finished with, "Bryan....you will need to meet me outside. NOW."
My brother was too shocked to move faster than my dad who was already out from behind the pulpit and headed his was. My dad "helped" him out of the pew and I don't think his feet touched the ground the whole way down the asile.
As a mother of 5, I am a double black belt....LOl
ReplyDeleteIf you go to the right church, you find switches in the hymnal rack right beside the offering envelopes. No need for amy stealth moves. Just pull out the switch. Plus since the pastor will call out anyone-adult or child or on between-it just doesn't pay to play in church.
ReplyDeleteMy mom would just glare and mouth, "Stop that! Behave!" at my sister and me. I thought I was grown up enough for her not to do this anymore until the day I got married. During communion at my wedding, the musicians threw in an extra verse of "How Great Thou Art," which confused the entire congregation. Watching them all scramble to find the right words totally cracked my sister and me up. We giggled through the whole song. My mom couldn't reach me because I was sitting behind the communion rail with my husband, but she did poke my sister in the back, glare at both of us, and mouth, "Stop that! Behave!"
ReplyDelete