I love Christian conferences. I went to Catalyst last year, attended a bunch growing up and was asked to speak at Ministrycom this year in Oklahoma. But as much as I love conferences, I realized recently that conferences are the Christian adult prom.
See, there are two sentences in that paragraph that probably don't make sense at first. Me, speaking at a church conference? I know what you're thinking, am I going to walk out to a rap song (Big Daddy Kane's "I get the job done") and will I throw skittles into the crowd? The answer is yes.
The second sentence that was a little baffling, was the one in which I called conferences the "Christian adult prom." I admit, that's a little weird but let's look at it. (And for my international readers, I love you Ireland, the prom is a big formal dance at the end of high school for teenagers.)
The Transportation:
Prom
You rent a vehicle you never usually ride in, like a limo, and just have a good time. It's like a road trip, with you and your friends being silly singing along to Miley Cyrus and Lil' Wayne as you make your way to the prom.
Christian Conference
You borrow a vehicle you never usually ride in, like the church van, and just have a good time. It's like a road trip, with you and your friends being silly singing along to Chris Tomlin and Carman as you make your way to the conference.
The Clothes:
Prom
It's dress up time. You get a big, crazy dress with loads of cool little details that say I have arrived! If you're a guy you rent a tuxedo and try to act cool like you wear cummerbunds all the time. You even get your hair done and it looks big and beautiful.
Christian Conference
It's dress up time. You get a big, crazy pants suit with loads of cool little details that say I have arrived! If you're a guy you buy a hip shirt with those cowboy buttons and intricate little stitching or maybe a graphic t-shirt and try to act cool like you wear a Castro style hat all the time. You even get your hair done and it looks like a faux hawk.
The Date:
Prom
Ohhhh, we are so nervous. Will that girl say yes when we ask her to come to the prom? Will it change our relationship? Will being there together and hearing how romantic the music Extreme plays change the way we function? So many questions! So exciting! (Yes, that was a "More than words" reference.)
Christian Conference
Ohhhh, we are so nervous. Will the worship minister say yes when we ask him to come to the conference? Will it change the relationship? Will being there together and hearing how fast and upbeat the music Casting Crowns plays change the way our worship functions at church? So many questions! So exciting!
I could go on and on. We slow danced at the prom to "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. You'll fast dance at the conference to "We shine" by Steve Fee. It's such a delightful game it almost feels like a Friday.
Am I wrong? I hope not, but regardless, if we run into each other at a conference, please know I won't ask you to slow dance but you should probably expect a side hug.
I have never seen the word cummerbund spelled. Thank you Lord for making me a woman, so I will never spell it again.....or wear one! Do you know how many kids you could make cry at a spelling bee with that word?
ReplyDeleteThis makes me want to go to a Christian conference. Never been.
Thanks for your blog. I love it!
Hilarious! This is SO true! You know what the most awkward thing is? Conferences that are planned for 12/31-1/1 to also conveniently prevent our teenagers from going to an unholy New Years party. But the thoughtful parent/pastor forgot that the tradition says that at midnight, you have to kiss, so then (just like at prom) you add the awkward "should we make purple?"
ReplyDeleteSigh, oh conferences.
You should stand outside the worship leader's house with a giant boom box held over your head playing "In Your Eyes." He can't not go with you to the promference then.
ReplyDeleteI think another reason people get dressed up for Christian conferences is they want to "pick up" i mean when is there a better oppertunity :P
ReplyDeleteAnother thing i have noticed about christian conferences is that everyone (pastors and leaders esspecially) brags about how big their church is and such...
does anyone else notice this or is it just me?
My coworkers and I are going to MinistryCom and we fully expect you to keep your promise and throw Skittles into the crowd.
ReplyDeleteAlso--do you know when you're speaking? We might have to leave early and wanted to make sure we got to hear your session thingamajig.
Ah, prom. It's amazing how awesome I thought I looked compared to the reality. But I'm going to let the SCL community in on a secret: when I went to prom I was obnoxious. (In a very Biblical way, that is.) My date and I carried snap and pop "fireworks" (you know, the ones that make a loud bang when thrown on the ground). The second we heard the intro to a slow song, with stealth-like secrecy, we gently scattered them across the floor, making sure to mound little piles around couples we didn't like. Then we sat down to watch. BAM! BAM! BAM! There was NO making out or butt grabbing during that song. And no, we didn't get caught. I'm smiling just recalling it. Ah, pyrotechnics.
ReplyDeleteNever done that at a Christian conference. But would like to be given the opportunity. I say we all show up at Jon's church one Sunday, unannounced, dressed in prom attire. Who's in?
i'm not even kidding you, i woke up this morning thinking about christian conferences and how they are still like the camp romance experience for single adults. you know the fluttery feeling of identifying your crush for the week, wondering if they'll show up to every breakout session or keynote session you attend, fiddling in front of the wardrobe and mirror like you did in high school? the chances of this phenomenon occurring increases exponential if the two parties in question are working together on the conference staff team.
ReplyDeleteand i totally thought THIS IS SOMETHING JON ACUFF SHOULD WRITE ABOUT ON SCL. only to come here and find this, which is, like, almost the exact same thing. but in a different way. there's probably still room for the single adult / junior high camp experience comparison post.
John you can be my Christian man date (what does that even mean?) to the ministrycom conference! Then we can go play so Frisbee golf.
ReplyDeleteOh and not all of us wore cummerbunds to the prom. I wore a pin stripe suit with a hat and a cane like I do all the time. I guess not everyone is as classy as me.
I still have the hat and the cane. I might bust them out this sunday for church.
i must have a touch of dyslexia today. my first read of the title ended with "porn." WHAT???? ooohh. phew.
ReplyDeleteLMAO!
ReplyDeleteWait... maybe a pastor shouldn't say "A"... But LMBO just doesn't have the same ring...
Anyhoo... A group of us went to a conference a couple of years ago - and we did the "pictures before the prom" thing in the church parking lot: a picture of each of us getting into the van, and of course, a group shot!
We also did the "fancy dinner because it's a special night" thing... we ended up at Ruth's Chris!
Once again, you banged it out of the park!
I LOVE it! As a member of the Catalyst team I couldn't agree with you more. And I have to admit that I, for one, can't wait for the "prom" to begin- so much anxiety, so many nerves. What will I wear?!
ReplyDeleteReally though, rumor has it that the whole office goes out and buys new outfits for the event. Bring it on, Prom 2008!
Good Stuff, I never liked prom all that much but I am a conference junkie...by the way will you be at Catalyst this year?
ReplyDeleteIt is so funny that you wrote this today. I went to a Women of Faith conference this last weekend and I couldn't stop giggling because so many SCL things were brought to my attention:
ReplyDeleteAh yes...the side hug
MANY "Half SO's"
"How Great Is Our God"
The awesome Christian side-to-side dance
"Awesome God"
Not knowing how to clap
Contempohip female worship leaders
The worship leader faces (both on stage and in the crowd)
T-shirts that looked like tatoo graphics
And the topping on the cake of awesome:
SANDI PATTY WAS THERE!
It was Christian conferences at its finest. =) You'd have been proud. Even though you're a dude. =)
So many memories...
ReplyDeleteI'm giving you a side man hug right now.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to get to go to a Christian conference I have a good graphics t-shirt I can wear, but alas no Rob Bell glasses, so I just couldn't be seen at one.
Side Hugs...pure classics
ReplyDeletegreat post! I find that this is especially true if attend any of Passion's conferences...
ReplyDeletewe did ask our senior pastor to go with us last year (me and the husband are the college leaders)...and he said YES! and he was properly amazed at everything, from Louie to Crowder....and has became the biggest Fee fan to boot...
The side hug... ha! Another thing both proms have in common? Going to the local pancake house late at night to talk until we are stuffed and out of conversation... usually late into the night/early in the morning. Depending on your perspective.
ReplyDeleteyes! more than words. how are gary & nuno, i wonder?
ReplyDeletecloset fan of extreme, even when they sat down for an unplugged ballad.
jon, you rap savant, i continue to be surprised by your pop references.
so now you must divulge, what did you wear to prom? was the "texas tux" (top 1/2 tux, bottom 1/2 wranglers and boots) popular in massuchusetts?
conferences are the man-dates that our worship leader will go on w/ our lead pastor, because they're best buds.
great analogy.
Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteAwesome. I was at a conference this weekend that was a gold mine of SCL material...complete with an entire music set of #186. Seriously, Beth Moore and Priscilla Shirer RAPPED the Christian O.P.P.
ReplyDeleteThey both also gave phenomenal messages from the Word...but I'm not sure I've ever laughed as hard as I did at their rapping.
Oh my...Extreme, More Than Words. Enough said.
ReplyDeleteBTW, everyone must be on vacation...usually there are 20 billion comments by the time I get to the posts.
Oh that's right, you're on a road trip. Duh...comments require blog owner approval...hehe
ReplyDeleteOK - so on the money!! I went to a Women of Faith a few months ago (my first no kid one in a while - My youngest is a 17 month old) in a town where 2 out of 4 in the car went to college. We did sing out loud - to Rhianna. We did buy new outfits - jeans & a hip tee. And we did dance @ the conference - to Nicole C. We stayed up all night laughing and made a midnight run for salt & vinegar chips @ 7-11. So, a conference can also be like a slumber party! And we did resist temptation (#326) when we drove by the apt where 20 years ago you could buy a blunt for $10 (even though the chip store run may make you think otherwise).
ReplyDeleteClosing Time:
ReplyDeleteProm
We are on an emotional high! We form a giant circle on the dance floor, drape our arms around each other, allow tears to streak our makeup (that includes the boys, as eyeliner has become metro-kitch amongst the stylish and fashion savvy), and grow intensely nostalgic for every superfun and meaningful moment of the last four years.
Christian Conference:
We are on an emotional high! We all "Come Forward" to gather by the altar and form a giant crowd, where some of us raise our hands in reverent worship and some of us drape our arms around each other as we allow tears to streak our makeup while we grow intensely nostalgic for the superspiritual and meaninful moments of the last four hours.
and on a slightly related note: how about the christian version of the hotel-room-after-prom - the co-ed sleepover with parents. come on, you know you had one...
ReplyDeleteBig Daddy Kane is awesome. 'Cuz I'm just like secret when it comes to trimmin', strong enough for a man, but made for women.' I listed to that album (I guess it was a cassette tape at the time) like 50 times in college.
ReplyDeletewell it is so true it's funny our trip to catalyst always ends at dominick's the italian place in Norcross (go there seriously it's good) also everyone grooms their facial hair marking them as a youth minister and busts out the Rob Bell glasses
ReplyDeleteMy weird version of dyslexia kept reading your title as "Christian Porn"
ReplyDelete"with you and your friends being silly singing along to Miley Cyrus and Lil' Wayne as you make your way to the prom."
ReplyDeleteThey had a duet?
stacey from luville......if i were within 50 miles of Jon's church -- i'd be there in all my former prom glory.....
ReplyDelete"if we run into each other at a conference, please know I won't ask you to slow dance but you should probably expect a side hug."
ReplyDeleteWHAT?! Man we BETTER slow dance! Preferable to People Get Ready!
I avoided my HS prom completely. There was too much drama over dates and I wanted no part of that and copped out. Plus, the dresses these days, are not long, beautiful gowns for the majority of girls. These are sometimes less covering than a bikini in some places so it seems.
ReplyDeletePlus, rather than "dancing" these days, they more like have "relations" meant for marriage on the "dance" floor wearing "clothes". (Did you enjoy my abundant usage of quotations? I did.)
Also, I have never been to a Christian Conference where people dressed up unless they were speaking or handing out info at a booth. Though I was a greeter at Missions-Fest Montreal last year. I got to say hello in two languages and be thrown into full blown French for the first time that day. It was intense. I only wore a print t-shirt and jeans.
Maybe missions conferences (the only type I've attended/worked at) contain the "casual" crowd of Christians.
Anyway, despite all the differences in my actual experiences, thanks for your work in writing.
you completely forgot wayne grudem...not sure if he's a pastor, but he inspired a song:
ReplyDeletehttp://saidatsouthern.com/video-wayne-grudem-go-grease-lightning-spoof/
Go Wayne Grudem!
team strand and my brother are in stacy from lousiville.
ReplyDeleteEll-oh-stinking-ell!
ReplyDeleteConferences, church camps, spiritual retreats; it's all a ruse. What Christians really want to do is relive awkward adolescent moments, Jesus-style.
..Complete with side hugs.
Love this post!
Jon, you are so so funny and I tell all my friends about you all day long.
ReplyDeleteYou have made my summer that much funnier! No lie......
OKAY! Here is an idea! What about doing a homeschool post? I was homeschooled, so I can say this!
Rules of being a family that is homeschooled:
1. You must have at least 6 kids in your family.
2. You must dress your children in denim and have Old Testament names. (Haha- see HLSDA magazine!)
3. If you attend college, you must attend Pensacola Christian College or Bob Jones University.
I don't know... my fam def. fits some of those descriptions! :)
You are great!
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...
-Gabriella
This has to be the only post in history to mention both Big Daddy Kane and Extreme in the same post.
ReplyDeleteTo you, Jon, I bow.
Ireland loves you too Jon, thanks for the clarification. I thought a prom was something you tied your hair with.
ReplyDeleteThis post is amazingly accurate! I don't think I've ever noticed how people dress up at conferences, but I sure see more Christian T-shirts than you ever see outside of conferences.
ReplyDeleteHavefun- I've noticed that too. I think we can compare pastors talking up their church's numbers to how people on a date beef up things about themselves to impress the other person. Guys especially. I could go deeper on this, but I'll stop here.
Stacy from Louisville- Do you have a blog somewhere? There's no hyperlink for your name, but any comment of yours on SCL is wildly entertaining and hilarious. If you do, I'd like to read it.
Oh, this had me cracking up.
ReplyDeleteWhen we (the youth group that I'm in) go to conferences/camps/retreats, we don't listen to chris tomlin in the van. We listen to miley cyrus and dance our hearts out.
And then, we stop to eat or go to the bathroom we play frisbee in the parking lot while we wait for everyone to finish stocking up on snacks to last them through a week of camp food.
So the act of playing frisbee cancels out the miley cyrus part, and hopefully gets me back in the Lord's good graces. Even though I'm SURE He has some hannah montana on His Ipod.
ah yes, the classic Christian side hug. but don't forget the daring alternative: the A-frame!
ReplyDelete