I am fantastic at sweating. If it were an Olympic event, then China would just go ahead and mail the medals to my house. If it were a superpower, kids around the world would be playing with my action figure named "the sweatster." If you could get paid to sweat, I would be wearing pants made of solid gold right now. Alas, I am not.
But, I am not the only one with a borderline inhuman ability to conjure up a torrent of sweat. Lots and lots of pastors can too. And when I see one on stage, I admit, I find it a little hypnotic.
I wrote once that one of my favorite things to do when I see some pastor up there pouring buckets, is to play "sweat drop race." That's where, if you are close enough to see their shimmering head, you pick out a sweat drop you think is going to make it to the safety of the shirt collar before all the other drops. Then you anxiously wait as it slowly careens its way down the side of the face, so close, so close, you win!!
That's not very mature of me. Neither was the alliteration pun I worked into the title of this post. So to make up for both of those things I thought I would give pastors a few tips on how to deal with sweat on stage:
1. Change clothes. Often.
I think it would be funny if like Mr. Rogers, the pastor did a wardrobe change in the middle of the sermon in the middle of the stage. (Not the pants. How dare you? I wish you were taking this sweat post seriously.) Every 15 minutes or so he could just casually walk over to a little table with a new shirt on it and then switch them mid sentence. It would be even better if he went behind the plexi-glass drummerquarium and pretended he didn't know it was see through. Oh that is rich, that is rich indeed.
2. Invent something called the "prayer towel."
The professional football team called the Pittsburgh Steelers have become well known over the years for their "terrible towels." Simple black and yellow towels, these terry cloth accessories have been a rallying cry for the fans and are now a part of the experience when you go to a game. People love waving them around and using them as a source of inspiration for the team. Do the same thing. Invent a "prayer towel." Instead of closing your eyes when you pray, ask people to "take out their prayer towels" and put them over their eyes. You can quickly wipe your head while everyone is using their prayer towel and you might even create a trend.
3. Preach from inside the baptismal.
This is going to be the hardest one to slip by the congregation but it might be worth it. Do your next sermon series while standing inside the baptismal. In addition to probably getting in the newspaper, you'll also be able to enjoy the cool, refreshing waters all sermon long. Is that sacrilegious? Without a doubt. Would it keep the sweat down for you? Probably.
4. Embrace it.
God made you and me sweaty. There it is, we are sweaty, sweaty, sweaty people. Stop fighting it. Ignore all the other three points and make sweat your calling card. Come up with a great alliteration like "Sweaty Saves Souls," get some deodorant company to sponsor your church and say things like "the sermon won't stick, unless I'm slick." All of that sounds like a pretty classy thing to do, right?
Those are my four ideas to help sweaty ministers. If you've already read a blog today that provided such a scientific analysis of ministerial sweat, I am sorry to have wasted your time. Please though, remember this: If you ever hear me speak, I promise, I will at some point ask you to get out your prayer towel.
Have you tried panting with your tongue hanging out like a dog? I have never seen a drippy, sweaty dog.
ReplyDeleteThat, my friend (we're friends, right?) could be the answer to your pesky perspiration problems.
Unless you only see the positive and truly think of it not as a problem, but as a gift.
Then SEAT ON MAN, SWEAT. ON.
Unlike you, Jon, I probably would not be able to win anything in the sweating Olympics. Which is pretty amazing, considering I live in Texas. Somehow I keep it under control!
ReplyDeleteI am, however, mesmerized by that string of saliva that some pastors get on their lips when they speak. What is up with that? Why is it so white? How does it stay there for so long? I hate that thing.
P.S. I like the prayer towel idea best. Maybe it could be used for the spit, too.
I know a little boy who is Mexican (we're both pretty cool that way) and he sweats a lot. He likes to go around and gift people with what he calls "Mexican Sweat." I think he's on the something because I'm pretty sure he managed to heal a sunburn by rubbing his sweaty self all over my friend...
ReplyDeleteJuliemom--It's true that dogs don't generally sweat, but they drool. I think it would be far more damaging to watch my pastor walk around with "shoelace spit" hanging from the corners of his wide open mouth.
Actually, I changed my mind. That would be the best thing ever.
I think I tasted throw up a little bit when I read the sweat drop race. Now that my gag reflex is in check, I'd like to comment.
ReplyDeleteFor the deodorant commercial you need a catchy song. How about: "I'm Sure Sweaty, yes I'm the real Sweaty. All you other Sweaty Head-ies are just ugly Betty-s, so will the real Sure Sweaty please preach up, please preach up?" You could show the deodorant and have 2 preachers in an alley with their Bibles jumpin' each other with the Gospel. I'm thinking TD Jakes might want to star as Sure Sweaty. But I couldn't say for sure because I'm not his agent...not any more anyway, but that's another story for another time.
This post is the post of all posts.I can't believe you saved it for a slow weekend.
Is drummerquarium in the vocab. list? If not, it should be.
ReplyDeleteWow...
ReplyDeleteSweating IS a superpower, at least, according to my dad. My hands and feet tend to get very sweaty, so my dad began calling me "amphibi-girl."
ReplyDeleteGod has blessed me with this "power" and I'm okay with it. Its so nice to know there are more of us with this power. Use it wisely.
You will be impressed at the commitment to sweat by this pastor:
ReplyDeletehttp://br.youtube.com/watch?v=VavvQBB6lyo
He has sweaty angel wings on his suit jacket!
Tragically, he died in a recent airplane crash in Sao Paulo, Brazil.
The prayer towel would come in really handy for those that cry easily.
ReplyDeletePerhaps this could go hand in hand with the Bringing Weird Props on Stage post, but how about bringing one of those cool wind machines they use in making shampoo commercials. Props to the pastor using this if he has incredibly shiny flowing hair to match the prop.
ReplyDeleteTowels - ecch. Pavarotti made do with a handkerchief. Paul had handkerchiefs and aprons, Acts 19:12. Question: what would a pastor have written on the front of his (sweat) apron? Grill Sergeant? Barbecue King? Over to you, Jon.
ReplyDeleteThe writer of the Winnie the Pooh books wrote a fantastic poem about a little boy watching two rain drops run down a window pane. He names them and roots for one and everything. That golden peice of innocence is lost to me forever, now. Whenever I read from now on, the image that they are beads of sweat, and not rain drops, will be burned into my brain... Thanks, Jon. (Mostly I'm just kidding. No real harm done.)
ReplyDeleteOn an utterly unrelated note:
I recieved some crazy junk mail from a church which was marketing prayer towels (they referenced the same verse in acts that Otepoti did.) It was this crazy God-is-a-genie-in-a-bottle thing where you sent this ridiculous church money and then the prayer towel was supposed to give you super powers or something.
So, stealing a riff from this silliness: Maybe after the pastor uses the prayer towel, he could throw it into the audience like the drummer chucking his sticks in a heavy metal show. Maybe Andy Stanley's sweat could be used to heal blindness or something.
What do you expect from a former sweaty Philistine?
ReplyDeleteI know you're getting ready for your blue and pink make purple post. At the camp I used to attend (which will remain nameless...) we used to say that "more lives were made than saved." Lol!
ReplyDeleteAh man, my pastor is definitely among these ranks, and have seen him in as many as 3 different shirts in the 2-hour or so time frame that I'm at church on a Sunday.
ReplyDeleteJon,
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh out loud. I can't say that I've had a pastor who sweated profusely. I sweat, but not when I'm preaching. Maybe I'm not active enough? Do some exercises beforehand.
I suppose I'd sweat if we didn't have air conditioning.
While I'm disgusted by the idea of sweating people-- I don't sweat at all-- I also find Sweat Stain Spotting an incredibly entertaining activity during boring sermons.
ReplyDeleteI also propose a post: my friend and I would like to see you talk about getting "plugged in" and/or church hopping like shopping for a car. Seriously, people talk about ministries like they're standard features. "Well, I didn't much like the worship- it was a bit loud- but the preaching was very sound and it gets some great gas mileage... I mean..." Yeah, about that.
Of course, if you're attending church in and around Pittsburgh, you might just have your Towel already on you.
ReplyDeleteNot that I've seen that happen or anything. :-)
could try loosing some weight too :)
ReplyDeletedrummerquarium was so sweet...
ReplyDelete@eastern ky pastor - you nailed it! Sweaty Philistine is still probably my all time fav from the scl dictionary. I even named one of my blogs after that classic.
Back when I was in high school, I ran into my youth pastor at the gym. He and his brother were on the stationary bikes with a puddle of sweat radiating out at least three feet from each bike. A little disturbed, I ask, "Oh, how long have you guys been on the bikes?"
ReplyDelete...
"About five minutes. Maybe less. We just got here."
"Ok, seriously, is there something wrong with you?"
Their disturbing amounts of sweat made youth group basketball games some of the most uncomfortable moments ever.
Prayer towels have been done...I think it was a televangelist with the initials EA (not sure if he's still around or not, so I won't give his full name). And for a tax-deductible donation of only $20, YOU TOO could have a fully blessed, sanctified reminder of the sweat (and blood and tears) that have gone into building this healing ministry to the lost and dying of our world...
ReplyDeletei have to agree... drummerquarium .....has to go on the vocab list, and it will now become an important part of my personal vocabulary!
ReplyDeletethanks for making me laugh........again!
I've only read a few of your posts, but you seem insightful and funny. You should really think about writing a book.
ReplyDeleteTwo thoughts:
ReplyDelete1) Thanks for the Pittsburgh shout out! Love my hometown steelers and the terrible towel. If a sweaty pastor needs some help then by all means, use the prayer towel. Just don't plagiarize..
2) You might want to rethink preaching from the baptismal. Others have done it and ran into trouble ie electrocution and death. Sweating is a problem, yes, but not such a big one that you should risk your life by combining electricity and water. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/10/31/national/main995829.shtml
Thanks for the enjoyable post. Love your writing!
there's a youth speaker in pa who is a great sweater...he always has a towel with him and wears it on his shoulder while he is preaching and wipes his face while he is preaching...he jokes about it and uses it kinda like a gimmick...he's a really good speaker too..."semi-famous" around here!
ReplyDeleteI tried playing the 'sweat drop race' this morning in church, but my pastor didn't sweat at all. :(
ReplyDeleteI think sweating may be my superpower too.. lol. Btw I love you blog, makes me laugh every time.. :D
ReplyDeleteI live in Haiti and we have this Pastor from Canada that comes a few times a year to the church we attend...he would receive the gold if sweating were an Olympic sport. And on top of it all, for some reason, he doesn't wear an undershirt. So here is a poor Canadian pastor, with long sleeve white church shirt buttoned up to his neck, totally see thru from sweat......I think that he saves that shirt for Haiti! It's priceless!
ReplyDeleteMy choir director sweats profusely over the organ. We get a kick out of it and we love him no matter what. However, I doooo hate using gym equipment after a Mr. SweatsTooMuch. It's really gross then.
ReplyDeleteJon, I feel you, man. I'm super sweaty. I'm a worship minister, too, so it's the same basic issue as the PPP (the triple P? P cubed?). Anyway, I play the guitar when I lead, but I really like to raise my hands when I can. The problem is, I really worry about taking people out of their worship with my pit stains. I mean, those lights are hot, man! I'm always sweatin' like Richard Simmons by the end of the set, which is where we put the really good hand-raising songs. It's a dilemma, man, I'm tellin ya.
ReplyDeleteAlso, to Kevin, big props for the great video clip.
...Not so much for the "Oh, btw, he's dead" at the end, though.
No joke - We had a speaker at my church a couple of years ago, and he would sweat SO much, that he wore some kind of rain poncho. He would be soaked with sweat, from head to toe, and he liked to hug people. Poncho or no poncho, it still made me want to throw up. He was at my church for a week, so I would try to sneak out the side door as soon as the sermon was over. He would stand in the hall and hug everyone as they walked by. He was a good speaker, but the sweat running down his face was very distracting.
ReplyDeleteI think there should be a motto amongst the pastors that says:"If you are not sweating - you are not preaching hard enough!"
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of preaching from the baptismal pool. Then again, that could be a problem at some of the more liberal churches - who knows, next thing you know the pastor is floating by on an inflatable mattress sipping on some orange drink from a coconut and a cocktail umbrella sticking out of it. I think the congregation might be a little put off by that.
But those are the kind of things that I imagine.
Another thing that might be cool is having ropes around the stage. If the pastor gets to sweaty and tired, he can go sit int eh corner like Rocky Balboa, and the junior pastor gets to give him bottled water and wipe him with a terry cloth. After all, pastors are fighters too!
By the way, have you ever sweated...out of your knees?
ReplyDeleteArmpit stains are pretty embarrassing, imagine walking into a bus full of people with both of your knees soaking wet.
What an odd place.
I challenge you to a sweat-off!
As a Catholic growing up, I thought all Baptist preachers were very fat, very sweaty, and very loud, because my Grandmother's little country Baptist church preacher was all three of those. I later learned that some Baptists are quite intelligent and eloquent and now I am one!
ReplyDeleteFor those of you who have sweat problems, here's an idea. Marine Corps drill instructors have a stash of highly-starched shirts in their offices, and they treat the insides with Scotch Guard. At least they used to. At the first sign of sweat, they go change so the recruits never see them looking human. U.S. Army Drill Sergeants, on the other hand, are warriors who lead by example. Hooah! Army Strong! Just kidding, Marines are every bit as good as the rest of the military.
Wow.
ReplyDeleteI am not alone.
Andy Not Stanley: Thank you for those military good times. I asked my female drill instructor (yes, ours was female) how come we never saw her sweat.
Her answer, "Our clothing allowance is four times as much as the normal airman :)"
I live in Texas. With summer temps over 100 degrees and humidity that is unmatched, this is my anti-sweat checklist I have go through:
1. Antiperspirant, Underarm - Dove (I am allergic to most manly stuff)
2. Antiperspirant, Clinical - For places on me I want to control
3. Deodorant, Spray - General coverage
4. Undershirt - Even if I am wearing a t-shirt.
5. Towel
6. Cologne
7. Change of shirts
Seriously, I am thinking about botox. Seriously.
I have yet to comment on your site, but stumbled across it and have laughed, cried (well, from laughing) and been challenged. Thanks--I am eagerly looking forward to camp posts.
ReplyDeleteI like the prayer towel, but everyone should be responsible for bringing their own, I imagine a serious laundry situation otherwise. But, the church could hire a pastor of laundry I guess. Maybe they would get so popular that special zippered carriers could be created to bring your prayer towel to church.
Thanks eastern ky pastor... I was thinking this would help the preacher seem more accessible to Sweaty Philistines.
ReplyDeleteAnd... I grew up in the South, so I figured preachers were supposed to sweat or they didn't want to keep you from hell bad enough.
I have decided that you love the olypics (or at least referencing them) almost as much as rap! Maybe you can combine the two somehow? and invite kanye west to host the opening ceremonies? assuming he kicks that porn habit, of course.
ReplyDeleteWhen my brother got married (I was his best men) we both were trying our hardest to hold back our laughter because, a sweaty pastor is one thing, but when the sweat is slowly trickling down his face, off his nose, and directly onto the lapel mic making loud "booms" every 20 seconds or so... that's just funny
ReplyDelete