I'm rarely sure if something I have written is interesting or good. I usually don't like what I write until months later. When I wrote advertising at Home Depot I used to want to throw up when the catalog I had written would come out because I was convinced I'd find a typo like "GKitchen Sink" or something. And millions and millions of people would see it.
Despite some external bravado, I'm not the most confident writer. But one of the tricks I have learned is to find someone really positive in the office to read what I write. Before I turn in a project, I'll have someone that I know is going to just say "wow, that's great, you are fantastical" read over what I have written. Their opinion doesn't matter a whole lot because they aren't one of the official reviewers for the project, but it's still a nice little bit of sunshine. Then, with a little boost of admittedly false confidence, I think, "Hey, Mikey likes it. I guess it's ready to be turned in to my boss."
That is a silly thing to do, but if I'm being honest, I do it with my faith too. There have been people in my life that I shared challenges with or issues with simply because I already knew what they were going to say. They were my unaccountability partners and the average conversation with them usually went like this:
Me: "I have to confess something. I am really struggling with ____. And I think I might do ______ to fix it."
Unaccountability partner: "Don't beat yourself up man, remember when I struggled with that too? What I did was much worse. Seriously, that's not a big deal. And I agree, you should do _____."
Me: "Thanks for the encouragement. I'm glad I have other Christians that I can share my stuff with."
Ugh. Nothing changed in that conversation. I wasn't challenged or held accountable. I just waited until I could find someone I knew would agree with me, preferably someone that was struggling themselves and in no position to really jump on me, and then I manipulated them.
Please don't confuse this with having someone happy and encouraging in your life. That's a completely different thing. I love having those people around me and think they can play a critical role. However, I once heard an author say that if you are not uncomfortable to some degree when you are with your accountability partner then you don't really have one. So in some ways, I'm not sure that the person that is sunshine to you 100% of the time and never questions what you do is an accountability partner. The relationship I am trying to describe in this post is one in which I get to hide and feel rewarded for doing nothing. The relationship I am describing is one in which regardless of if the person challenged me, I don't respect them enough to care about what they think to actually change my life.
A friend I once told I was struggling with lust said to me, "Hey, it's not like you're sleeping with prostitutes." He was right, I was not in fact doing that. And he said what I wanted to hear. That it was OK. That it could be worse. That I didn't need to worry much. That is what an unaccountability partner is to me. An encourager however, would say "I know you are struggling with lust and I know that is something we need to get under control but I want to remind you how big and deep and endless God's love is for you." Those are wildly different responses.
This is definitely one of those posts that doesn't make me look like a great guy, but I think that's OK. I hope in some weird way, this might encourage you to think about who you keep around just to make yourself feel better about the things you don't want to deal with.
p.s. I added two paragraphs to this piece when some reader feedback made it clear that I had not done a good job distinguishing between an encourager and an unaccountability partner.
Friday, June 27, 2008
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22 comments:
I don't think that's manipulative at all - having people in our lives to keep us accountable and slap us upside the head once in awhile is a good thing. Having people in our lives who love us and encourage us no matter what is a good thing, too. Every once in awhile we need to hear, "You're perfect, everyone else is 100% wrong, let's go get some Starbucks!" Look at the story of John Mark - he had Paul AND Barnabas...one to give him the smackdown, and one to encourage him!
Leanne -
Great point. I tweaked the post to address the issue you raised as I don't think I did a good job explaining that initially
Jon
Part of the problem, for me at least, is finding someone who will be gut level honest. There are many people who just aren't comfortable with someone being so transparent. They get scared because if you're going to be honest about facing your stuff, there's the subtle notion that they'd have to face their stuff, too. And in my experience, that's a deal breaker for lots of people. There is a great book called Inside Out that talks all about all of this, and more. By Larry Crabb. Highly recommended, but not for the faint of heart.
Very good point, Jon. We like to have our fan base, huh?
I've been reading your blog over the past couple weeks and have thoroughly enjoyed it! I like looking at things from the other side of the fence. How are you as an accountability person? I know when someone comes to me when "the sky is falling" I initially say, "It will be okay. It's not that bad. Tomorrow is a new day." Etc. Etc. In my mind I'm thinking about how that person screwed up because they didn't do this or that. That's just how I'm wired.
I work in construction and know some pretty hard core guys that will tell you like it is. If you hadn't hit rock bottom on an issue you will by the end of one of those conversations. Thats just how they are wired. God made us different for a reason. If we trust God will help you then He will probably get us in front of the person we need at that time.
Does anyone see the irony in Leanne's post? Im doubled over at this point. And I TOTALLY know what you mean. We all do that to a certain extent. Some more than others.
I too need to hear confirmation that I am not making a mistake or ruining my families life by making some decisions.
kimchi -
Just wondering why you consider my post to be ironic - please explain. It's still early in the morning...
My husband often complains of this. Words without real substance and very broad statements that anyone could say. I know I digress to a different point, but the problem still remains. People lack the proper Christ-Like confrontational skills to lovinging hold someone accountable (I think it's b/c it hasn't been modeled to us well if at all). We either have the diarrea mouths thinking they're ordained by God to say whatever, b/c they are "Biblical Supported" (Mind you in concept they are right; but their application is horribly unBiblical). Or the rest of us afraid of offending someone (meaning we are more concerned about what people think of us than actually following God's lead on the questions in our heart that we won't ask them).
I don't think we need to hear, "You're perfect, everyone else is 100% wrong," but we do need to hear that God is bigger than our failures, that He still loves us and can bring us out of any mess we create.
"Cornbread" makes a good point though - we have to consider what kind of accountability partner we ourselves are being. Getting a fake "It's okay" from an unaccountability partner when you were hoping for some real accountability really sucks.
Unfortunately, the friend that immediately comes to my mind is not a Christian. She will tell me if my butt looks too big in jeans, or what a dork I am, but she's not going to understand the spiritual side of things. I need some Christian friends like that. It's nice to know there is someone who will tell you the complete truth (whether you want to hear it or not).
This is a hard one. I know I have been that person because it's easier to just gloss over someone's mistakes than it is to tell them, "Yeah you were wrong, but God's grace is bigger than this. Let's find out what it will take to get you back on track." It takes an attitude of investing in someone and most people don't want to feel burdened by someone else's problems because we got enough of our own. Or is that just me?
I think it also stems from us putting degrees of seriousness on sin. Like the lust vs sleeping with prostitutes. Clearly we see them differently, but God doesn't. So we treat lust as not so serious when it's just a stepping stone to other sins.
Sorry I kinda rambled there. I don't always know how to put my thoughts into words and it usually comes out in a jumbled pile of nonsense. LOL I don't pretend to be an eloquent writer so I hope that made sense.
When I read the title, I thought of two different "accountability" partners I've had over the years.
One was perfect, always wanted to read her bible, always prayed an hour every day, and I hated having to go meet with her because I never was any of those things. I think for a year I only read my bible so I wouldn't have to confess to her that I didn't. She was encouraging, but I could tell I disappointed her when I didn't measure up.
The other was a friend that I was exercising with. We would call each other and say, "do you feel like going today?" and the other would say, "no" and so we wouldn't. As long as one person didn't ask that question, we would go, but if one of us didn't feel motivated that day, neither of us worked out!
It really is hard to find a friend who will encourage you, tell you the truth in love, kick your butt, and still love you!
@leanne - I also do not see the irony. Anyone?
Great post.
Sometimes I give the easy answer... no, all the time. I'm definately the sunshiney person because I hate getting into people's junk unless it's directly affecting me. Selfish, I know. Confrontation is so difficult for me though, even if someone asks for my opinion I find it SO DIFFICULT to actually give it. I talk a big game but when it really comes down to the meat of the matter... I'm all talk. Not that I should go around pointing out someone's struggles and sharing all of my opinions on how to fix them... but surely I'd be a better friend if I weren't the "everything's ok" person every time.
This brings to mind a few years ago when I was talking with someone I consider to be one of the most Godly women I've ever known. I was dealing with some heavy stuff and when I confessed to her, she replied lovingly, "You know that's sin, right?" WOW! Just HEARING the words was like being hit with cold water. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I never felt condemnation from her, just sincere love and hope that I would acknowledge my sin and make things right. I will never forget that.
On the other hand, I'm afraid I've been the opposite. I've been the 'unaccountability partner' b/c I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel that I consider myself superior to them. That's not how I want to be, though, so I continually pray for wisdom and discernment.
Good post, Jon.
I want to clarify my earlier post - I do not want friends who will lie to me and tell me I'm perfect all the time, because I definitely am NOT! What I was trying to say (at 6:30 in the morning, LOL!!) is that there is a time and place for both. For example, if I preach a really sucky sermon - and I know it's a sucky sermon (and so does everyone else!), I don't want people coming up to me immediately after church and telling me, "Wow. That sucked!" My husband is awesome at encouraging me with the positive aspects of the morning right away, and then when we have a little bit of distance from the situation, letting me know, "Yeah - you probably shouldn't have called the kids a bunch of rotten maggots to demonstrate that we're all born wanting to sin." Okay, so I've never messed up to that extreme - but that's what I was getting at. A good friend will keep you accountable, but will also know when it's just not the time to "speak the truth in love." Of course, if you have an accountability partner and the purpose of your meeting is to keep each other accountable, then it IS "smackdown time." Okay, I'm going to go watch the Psalty video now :o).
Sorry but I do sometimes need a friend to say "Yeah you messed up but it could be worse, lets go eat chocolate" I know what I did, I know I suck, I know God can fix it, and I just want to feel better about it. And thats not a bad thing.
"This is definitely one of those posts that doesn't make me look like a great guy, but I think that's OK."
It shows you are a perfectly normal guy.
What truly sucks is when I am looking for a kick in the pants to set me right and end up with a saccharin, gooey response telling me everything is ok. Sometimes I need to be told I have screwed up or am about to.
Thanks for the challenge to be a true accountability partner.
So when I was a serious "sneak eater" I finally confessed to my skinny friend. Confessed it all--my method, the calorie count, etc. It was horribly uncomfortable.
You know what she said after 5 minutes of nodding and agreeing?
"Do you want one?" She was holding a little baggie of bite-sized chocolate bars. And she was not kidding. And she was not aware of the irony.
Now, THAT's an unaccountability partner! lol.
Thank you for this post! I have done the same thing (and probably still do). I didn't realize I was seeking people who would "justify" my actions until I mistook a friend for one of those people, and she called me on it. She told me my actions were not acceptable, that I needed to make it right with God and take steps so it would never happen again. She also reminded me of God's love, but she let me know that sin is sin. I felt the guilt that motivates me to do something about my sin, which is the "healthy" guilt.
Leanne - I'm with you. Sometimes you need "non-deep" people to agree with everything you say (or at least refrain from contradicting) and take you out to coffee! For me, that's when I allow "healthy guilt" to turn into shame, and I cannot accept God's love for me. At those times, I need a person to shine God's love in the form of sunshine, since I fail to see it in the Holy Spirit at the moment.
Wow.....I just had an insight about a friendship I have had. I really love and respect this person, yet know they struggle with a particular thing. They even said I would be part of their accountability about it, yet it never did really work that way. It was pretty easy for them to point out my issues, and I took their direction pretty well, but they were very very good at deflecting my attempts for holding them accountable.
It was the respect thing I think. In retrospect, I think they didn't have enough respect for me, because my strengths weren't things they valued, like self-discipline, organization, or self confidence. I admired those traits in them, but my strengths are in other areas. Maybe it was their lack of respect for me that contributed to my difficulty in being a "real" accountability partner.
or maybe they just didn't really want to be held accountable at all.
hmmmmm........
I have unaccountability partners in my life, too.
They're called "Shopping Buddies."
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