#285. The lady worship leader.

When I first mentioned that I was going to do a lady version of the Metrosexual worship leader post, I got a lot of emails from confused people. Most of them said, "If metro means becoming more hip and effeminate for a guy, then a metro woman has to be a lady that becomes more manly. I'm thinking beef jerky and camo."

Those emails made sense, because in a way, I didn't do a very good job explaining the lady version post I was thinking about. And the more I spent some time with the idea, the more I realized that lady worship leaders deserve much more than just a "female version" of a post about guys. So I created something a little different.

Below is a simple quiz that will help you determine which type of lady worship leader you are or which type leads at your church. Like a scientist, I propose that there are five primary categories of lady worship leaders: The Contempohip, the Old Schooler, the Televangelist, the Crunchy and the Cure.

The Contempohip is the modern, Hillsong, kind of worship leader. North Point Community Church is very contempohip. The Old Schooler is your stuck in the 60s fundamental, old fashioned worship leader. The Televangelist has huge hair and loves to cry on camera. The Crunchy is kind of a reformed hippy with a huge heart for God. The Cure is your darker mood, paler skin kind of worship leader named after the 80s band.

They each have unique attributes, so what I did was find 20 common categories of information and then wrote out the average response each of the five types would have. Go through the quiz, total the letters you get and then use the handy score sheet at the bottom to figure out which of the five you have experience with. OK, go.

1. When it's time to make a "worship face" your worship leader does the following:
A. Contempohip = Eyes open, angry rocker girl face. Kind of Joan Jett meets Proverbs 31.
B. Old Schooler = Eyes open, big smile, waves to the crowd as if she's at a bake sale.
C. Televangelist = Cries big, black, wet mascara tears.
D. Crunchy = Eyes closed, claps hands in a weird, kind of hippy rhythm learned at a Widespread Panic concert.
E. The Cure = Face flat, semi-emotionless, decries the existence of the "worship face."
F. None of the above

2. When it comes to makeup your worship leader believes:
A. Contempohip = Wears cool stuff like Mac as if her name was Goldilocks. (Not too much, not too little, just right.)
B. Old Schooler = Makeup? You mean the devil's art form? Wears none.
C. Televangelist = Three inch base, one inch mascara, eye brows drawn on with pencil.
D. Crunchy = Believes God made her just fine. Never wears any.
E. The Cure = White base, black lipstick.
F. None of the above

3. Heaven will be:
A. Contempohip = Like one big Hillsong concert.
B. Old Schooler = Like one big Billy Graham convention.
C. Televangelist = So beautiful, sweet baby Jesus, mama is coming home.
D. Crunchy = Like a really good round of hackey sack.
E. The Cure = Like Morrissey and the Smiths got back together.
F. None of the above

4. A perfect hair day:
A. Contempohip = It looks slightly cooler than the metrosexual guitar player's hair.
B. Old Schooler = Is there anything more perfect than a nice hair bun?
C. Televangelist = Aqua net. Big. Possibly with some pink or purple highlights.
D. Crunchy = Natural. Possibly dreaded.
E. The Cure = Dark and foreboding.
F. None of the above

5. Shoes:
A. Contempohip = I got these at H&M.
B. Old Schooler = Brown high heels, not too high, more than an inch is the devil's height.
C. Televangelist = Sparkly high heels.
D. Crunchy = Bare feet
E. The Cure = Black boots
F. None of the above

6. The number of times they might cry during a service:
A. Contempohip = Not going to.
B. Old Schooler = Once, if they sing the right hymn.
C. Televangelist = Take the number of songs they do and multiply it by four.
D. Crunchy = Once, but only because she spilled her lemon wheat grass tofu granola coffee.
E. The Cure = Once, but only if someone reads an Edgar Allen Poe poem, which seems highly unlikely.
F. None of the above

7. The car they drive is a:
A. Contempohip = Audi or VW or a Mini Cooper.
B. Old Schooler = Lincoln Town Car
C. Televangelist = A Cadillac or Hummer that God told you He wanted you to have.
D. Crunchy = 87' Volvo station wagon but only when distance is too far to walk.
E. The Cure = Yellow Ford Focus, but in an ironic way.
F. None of the above

8. The instrument they play is a:
A. Contempohip = None
B. Old Schooler = Organ
C. Televangelist = Tambourine with ribbons attached
D. Crunchy = Acoustic Guitar
E. The Cure = Sad piano
F. None of the above

9. Their opinion of sequins is:
A. Contempohip = Ugh
B. Old Schooler = A little too shiny, may be from the devil.
C. Televangelist = Too much is never enough.
D. Crunchy = If that's your thing, then alright alright, it's not mine.
E. The Cure = So fake
F. None of the above

10. When it comes to holding the microphone they:
A. Contempohip = No hand held mic. Super secret almost invisible ear piece.
B. Old Schooler = Huge old-fashioned mic with big blue foam top.
C. Televangelist = Visible ear piece that she touches with her hand when she hits the high notes
D. Crunchy = Prefer to sing without one.
E. The Cure = Attached to the mic stand, refuses to hold.
F. None of the above

11. Their significant other, if they have one, is:
A. Contempohip = Named "Edge" and always stealing her hair product.
B. Old Schooler = A little uncomfortable with the idea of women being on stage at church.
C. Televangelist = Making a lot of money
D. Crunchy = Able to make his own clothing
E. The Cure = That's none of your business
F. None of the above

12. Last movie they saw:
A. Contempohip = Little Miss Sunshine
B. Old Schooler = Facing the Giants. (The edited version without all that football violence)
C. Televangelist = The Jesus Movie some missionaries sometimes show
D. Crunchy = Documentary about the earth
E. The Cure = Swedish art film, you've never heard of it
F. None of the above

13. Jewelry situation:
A. Contempohip = Very modern, deep silver pieces, possibly David Yurman or other fresh designer
B. Old Schooler = Charm bracelet, huge brooch on jacket
C. Televangelist = If God didn't want us wearing diamonds, he wouldn't have made em' so shiny!
D. Crunchy = Hemp necklace
E. The Cure = Black rubber bracelets
F. None of the above

14. Clothes they wear:
A. Contempohip = Designer jeans. Lucky or seven or paper denim
B. Old Schooler = Floral dress
C. Televangelist = Something in purple, possibly a pants suit
D. Crunchy = Homemade dress
E. The Cure = Black jeans, black hooded sweatshirt, black t-shirt
F. None of the above

15. Teeth:
A. Contempohip = Brightened with Crest White Strips, may have had adult braces.
B. Old Schooler = Dentures
C. Televangelist = Huge, billboard-sized veneers
D. Crunchy = Normal
E. The Cure = Refuses to smile, can't verify if she even has teeth.
F. None of the above

16. Dance style:
A. Contempohip = Side to side move
B. Old Schooler = Dancing is, you guessed it, of the devil.
C. Televangelist = Kind of like a Christian version of the Electric Slide
D. Crunchy = Akin to what you might see at a Phish concert
E. The Cure = You have to be kidding me.
F. None of the above

17. Prayer style
A. Contempohip = Short, sweet, well said
B. Old Schooler = Prone to "putting the devil on notice"
C. Televangelist = Long, very long
D. Crunchy = So tempted to throw a "mother earth" in there
E. The Cure = Quiet, but eloquent
F. None of the above

18. Tattoo
A. Contempohip = Normally does not have one, but may have a small, unseen tribal design
B. Old Schooler = Tattoo? Get behind me satan!
C. Televangelist = Oh heavens no.
D. Crunchy = A dolphin jumping a sunset on the back of a butterfly
E. The Cure = What vanity
F. None of the above

19. Favorite store
A. Contempohip = IKEA
B. Old Schooler = Sears Roebuck Catalog
C. Televangelist = Macy's or Barney's
D. Crunchy = We try to live off the land instead of shop
E. The Cure = Hot Topics, but only to laugh at how dumb it is
F. None of the above

20. Arch nemesis
A. Contempohip = Old church members that think she sings "too loud"
B. Old Schooler = These kids today with their hip hop and their interweb sites like "FaceSpace"
C. Televangelist = The IRS
D. Crunchy = No one. One love.
E. The Cure = Fake happy people.
F. None of the above

In order to get a score, add up all the letters and check out the info below:

"A" Answers Mostly = Contempohip
You are modern. You are singing at the Catalyst Conference and wearing hip clothes. Your jeans cost as much as some people's car payments. You go to the gym but only to take a hip hop dance aerobics class. You like Hillsong and think that Rob Bell is cool.

"B" Answers Mostly = Old Schooler
"Why do we need lasers in church? Can someone tell me that? And what's with all the Chris Tomlin?" You like to sing songs that are at least a century old. You petitioned the elders to get the youth minister to shave off his goatee. You might be a grandmother and think it's a little bit scandalous for women to wear pants.

"C" Answers Mostly = Televangelist
To you, makeup is like manna from heaven. Your eye shadow might be purple. You don't know what all the fuss is about God giving you a mansion here on earth. Even at home you call your husband "Pastor." Your dog is small and white and able to fit in a designer purse. You call everyone "honey child."

"D" Answers Mostly = Crunchy
Before you found God, you found Jerry. As in Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead. You call shoes "prisons for feet" and can throw the Frisbee better than any of these other stereotypes. You are completely comfortable with living in a van for a few months on an extended road trip. You may be Vegan, but are cool with people that eat meat. You don't push your views on others. Your Bible cover made of hemp bothers the Old Schooler.

"E" Answers Mostly = The Cure
You are kind of goth, but that word doesn't do you justice. You get a bad rap for being dark and depressed, but the truth is you're pretty happy on the inside. You hate the commercial side of Christianity and sing because you have to, like a bird given wings has to fly. You stand out at church but you did in high school too and you were able to get over that.

"F" Answers Mostly = None of the above
I think most lady worship leaders will fall in this category. You keep switching things up. You're like Madonna, always changing your style. You remind me of what Patrick Swayze said, "she's like the wind." We can't label you. We can't put you in a little box. You don't fit one style but rather take the one that makes the most sense in any given situation. We love you.

Whoa, that was one long parade of stereotypes. Chances are, your worship leader might defy those classifications, but I promise that somewhere along your church journey you have experienced one of those.

Which type did I miss?

p.s. Folks often ask if they can link to this site. By all means, that is awesome. Feel free if that's what you want to do.