A cashier at a Staples office supply store once gave me some parenting advice when I was checking out. When he found out I was having a girl, he said the following:
When you have a boy, you have to worry about one boy on the planet. When you have a girl, you have to worry about every boy on the planet.
That's an odd thing for the guy selling you uniball micro pens to tell you, I seem to be a magnet for that kind of thing. But he's right in some ways. Unless modesty becomes a trend or a really famous Amish girl becomes someone that teenagers learn to emulate, I’m stuck. It’s not going to be easy to raise girls. I get that. I probably deserve that for how stupid I was to the opposite sex when I was young.
Here’s the thing though, maybe I can take lessons from my days of foolishness. Maybe I can equip my daughters with the kind of wisdom that can only come from a lifetime of bumps and bruises.
It’s doubtful I’ll ever write a book called “The girl’s guide to jerks” but I could definitely at least share three lessons I plan to pass on to my daughters. I've written about these before, but I think they only get more valid as time goes on. The first two are the kind of things Christian guys are really good at or bad at depending on your perspective. The third one is kind of a bonus idea that non Christians and Christians alike are guilty of.
Maybe you’re still in college or on the dating scene and can use this. Chances are these will seem really obvious, but if you already know them, I promise you’re miles ahead of some of the girls that I ran into while in college.
1. Depth Perception
A counselor told this idea to a friend of mine and I think it’s solid. Everyone has a handful of things they don’t want to share with strangers. Joys or pains that feel too big to introduce in a casual conversation. Maybe you didn’t get into the college you wanted to or you once got fired from a job. Could be that you still suck your thumb, it can be anything really. What happens though is that some guys have a handful of things they’ve grown comfortable with over the years. You might have a hard time talking about a family member that died but they don’t. In fact, they’re perfectly fine with it. So what they do is tell you all about it. And you think, “wow, this guy just shared something really personal. I should too.” You open up and make yourself really vulnerable because you think he just did. But he didn’t. He’s creating a depth perception issue. He’s appearing deeper and more honest than he really is in an attempt to get you to open up.
2. Reverse Psychology
Again, super obvious, but you’d still be surprised how often people get trapped by this. In this scenario the guy simply uses reverse psychology to push the girl into doing something she wouldn’t normally do. A guy will say, “You’re such a goody too shoes. It’s so different to be around someone Puritanical.” Rarely does someone want to claim that title. And the guy continues, “You’re not wild. You don’t do crazy things. That's what I like about you.” Again, this kind of conversation begins to wear on the girl and she feels like she has something to prove. It becomes a challenge and before long, she finds herself saying “I'm not such a goody too shoes, you just don’t know me. I do crazy things!” And then they make out.
3. I’m the opposite.
This is for the girls that have a boyfriend/husband. Anytime you express even the smallest bit of dissatisfaction about your boyfriend to another guy, please expect them to reverse the statement. If you say that your boyfriend doesn’t love the color blue and you wish he did, that guy you're talking to is going to say, “I love blue. I live for blue. I spoke with a doctor about getting my skin turned blue surgically.” If you’re boyfriend hates the movie “Pride and Prejudice,” get ready to meet the world’s biggest Pride and Prejudice fan at work. Not cool, but true.
I need to throw out a few disclaimers for this piece:
1. This isn’t just something guys do. Girls do it too.
2. Girls are smart, this is not about that, it’s about guys being manipulative.
3. There are lots of honest guys out there. This is about jerks.
4. These are really simple. If you already know them, that’s great.
5. I’m sorry that I did anything like this to girls. I was a jerk.
I hope that if a guy ever tells one of my daughters that she’s a prude she ends up laughing her way out of the car. Just looking back as she leaves and muttering between big guffaws, “He actually tried the reverse on me. Me, the reverse. Ha!”
Monday, May 12, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
25 comments:
this is great. I need to print it out and read it to my girl, and my boys like daily. *S*
I had a guy try the reverse on me once. Didn't work. Then he broke up with me because he was "not ready" for something, I don't even know what. I called his BS though. Told him to his face that he was breaking up with me because I wouldn't put out, and that I wasn't stupid. Yea. A few months later, I wound up meeting the love of my life online, and his next girlfriend wound up knocked up before the shotgun wedding. I'd say things turned out just fine. *S*
The best way to arm your daughters against creepy guys is to be a living example of the type of man you thinks she deserves. Good, bad or indifferent, women are drawn to men like their fathers. I was able to meet and marry a man who is NOT like my father, but I was intentional about it and I kissed MANY FROGS before I met my prince. I didn't get married until I was 30. For me, I'm very happy I waited because I thought I knew everything when I was in my 20's, only to find out later that I didn't even know what I didn't know!
You might hate me for this, but isn't the phrase "goody *two* shoes?" Just a question. I loved this post anyway.
#4 hit home! It was me - the girl - that did this one. When my now husband and I were dating, we went boating and skiing a LOT! I hated both, but acted like I liked it. Now that we're married, well, it doesn't happen so much. I know, I'm a jerk. On the other hand, when we were dating, my husband liked to just sit, cuddle and talk... you know where I'm going with this one, eh?
Please, write the book!
In an April 29 Wall Street Journal
article, Harvey Mansfield points out that the jerks are setting the standard for everyone:
"But most students also believe that "everyone does it," even if the individual student, for some reason, cannot locate a partner. Thus an active minority sets the tone and makes hooking up a "culture." When there are no sexual boundaries, either official or informal, the standard becomes the extreme, and all students feel the pressure to appear more promiscuous than they are.
“The girl’s guide to jerks” would make world a safer place for everyone.
Wow. These seem like they'd work too. And the rest of the family would probably be much more on board with them.
My plan thus far had been to lock my daughter in the basement until some plastic surgeon could give her some sort of hideous scars to keep the boys away.
Simply teaching her to do the right thing is just crazy enough to work.
Does it concern you that you have more disclaimers than rules?
:D
is this going to be a major portion of your forthcoming book?
If not, can you write "the girls guide to jerks" really quickLY? My girl is 14.....and needs to be inoculated against such tricks immediately......
you know, the "out of town expert" knows more than mom....
and what about a blog entry on the "out of town expert" churches bring in to do seminars on you name it?
yeah, i'm ADD.....
I hear that "when you have a boy" bit often. But it's so untrue. Especially today. You have to teach boys how to treat women correctly, which is so hard in a world that tells them that women are objects. Besides, you live near Atlanta, no? The gay population is out of control there. If you ever have a boy, you'll have to worry about other boys.
I am king of Depth Perception but not on purpose. When I share something that others view as "deep," it's not to get them to share something too. It's more about me. Unfortunately, a lot of things are only about me. It's my way of saying, "Hey look at me. I am SOOOO deep that I can talk about things deemed 'personal' with someone I don't know that well and not be uncomfortable. Look how much I'm kicking societal norms in the face like a redneck evangelist!"
That whole "I'm the opposite" thing is part of what got my wife to leave me. But she'll find out soon that any guy who tries to convince a woman to leave her marriage no matter how unhappy she is is REALLY the jerk.
No matter how well a girl is raised, there is always a guy that is going to get the best of her at some point. It sucks. But it's true.
It's like no matter how well you raise your child, he or she will fall short at some point. Just have enough faith that you did enough of the right thing that eventually they'll realize the error of their ways and come back to God ... same thing with stupid boys.
I wouldn't say that there's ALWAYS a guy who will get the best of any girl.. I married my first boyfriend, and I was his first as well. I think the key there was lots and lots of grace straight from God. Just a little message of hope. Scary, yes. Dangerous, yes. But with God all things are possible.
I have a daughter that's only 9, so I have a couple years.
But I read that "Mystery" guy's book. ..."how to get beautiful women into bed" just in preparation for this. I highly recommend it to any dads of daughters out there. When she's old enough I'm going to have my daughter read it (or a similar book).
Oh, and be warned that our wives, while beautiful women, can see these tricks coming a mile away. ;)
I'm still cracking up over Donna's comments, because I was completely following her; and yes, me too!
I think it's also important for us guys to make sure we're not using these tactics without realising it. I could well be guilty of getting girls to tell me deep stuff by telling them stuff that isn't that hard for me to say as it seems. Dunno, but always good to err on the side of caution. I'll watch out for it
Re: "When you have a boy, you have to worry about one boy on the planet. When you have a girl, you have to worry about every boy on the planet."
...
"he's right in some ways. Unless modesty becomes a trend or a really famous Amish girl becomes someone that teenagers learn to emulate, I’m stuck."
OR.... we could realize that women are NOT objects for the manipulation & service of men, and then actually raise them that way, worrying NOT about every male out there but, just like we do about our sons, worry only about our daughter's choices.
It bothers me that you write a post all about jerk GUYS & then yourself acknowledge that girls do these things too (for those few of us males that waited for sex until adulthood). Would it have been THAT much less effective to have made the rules/post human-centric rather than gender-based in the first place?
One thing I really don't miss about southeastern US social/religious tendencies: blatant & unchecked gender inequality, immediately before disclaiming it as necessarily true.
Josh -
First and foremost, thanks for the comment. I need thoughts like the one you shared to challenge the way I think. I might mistakes on this blog, all the time, and it's important to me to have other people chime in.
The challenge I have with your comment is that on the one hand you express frustration that I have branded all guys jerks, but you then proceed to make your own really wide sweeping statement indicating that I need to "realize that women are NOT objects for the manipulation & service of men." That's a fairly generous leap to make from a completely silly joke I told about how lewd our culture is. That you felt compelled to also judge my parenting and my view of my own daughters is disappointing. You are right, I should not have painted these issues with such a wide stroked brush, because that failed to take in guys like you. I don't know you, just like you don't know me. So it is frustrating to me that you feel fine with judging my approach to women. I'm working with an organization against sex slave trading of women. Atlanta is the number one city in America that struggles with that. That issue is close to my heart.
As far as why it was gender-based, I guess that's because I write from the gender I know. I'm not good at writing human-centric pieces. That's not my strength. That's great if it is yours, it's just not mine.
And then you use my silly post to say that "One thing I really don't miss about southeastern US social/religious tendencies: blatant & unchecked gender inequality." Even as you criticize me for making broad statements, you envelope the entire Southeast in your judgment. That blew me away. Don't blame the Southeast for something you feel I poorly wrote. And please don't tell me inequality exists only below the Mason Dixon line. Inequality, whether racial or gender based is alive and well in every state. (It would be at this point that you tell me you moved to Sweden.)
Again, don't hate on the southeast because of me. It's a much bigger, cooler, smarter place then what I write can capture.
Jon
Jon, sorry. My comment was very poorly written. I did not express my thoughts well at all. Your response was excellent.
I was trying to express frustration not at the calling "all guys jerks" thing, which I accepted when I read your disclaimer that you were just talking about those guys, whatever their actual ratio to the overall guy population may be. I was really just trying, poorly, to reject & repudiate some innocent-looking ideas in the original comment that you quoted by the dude at the store that I felt promoted an unhealthy view of gender roles. As far as your own words, I really was not trying to attack them or question your view of women. I almost had to abandon my response when I read your disclaimer that gals can do the same jerkish things too, because that's what I was trying to say. So I had to modify it to my lame "Well, why didn't you just write the whole post that way then?" Sorry about that.
I acknowledge that men & women are different. They are not equals in every way. Males tend to produce more testosterone & chemicals that may cause an aggressive sexual drive/appetite. Thus, they are often the gender that initiates sexual intercourse & the ones that become, in the extreme instances, sexual predators. But I feel like women are strong enough to resist the ones that are out of line, if we empower them to be. I really just wanted your post (you know, like I'm the powerful control freak that gets to correct everyone or something) to immediately attack & reject that other guy's "joke" that says we should only worry about our sons. To me, I see the innocent-looking ideas that can eventually lead to something as horrific as the sex slave trade.
I totally got that you were writing what you know, in this case, males. I should have acknowledged it. I'm not saying you shouldn't write what you know & to your strengths. My only counter-thought is whether you shouldn't try to write that way just because it's not a strength, if it's a better way (not that it indisbutably is). I'm thinking of a ridiculous analogy like changing your disc grip (say, from 2 fingers against the rim to 3), if it means you get more flicks around the marker's break-side, even if it feels clumsy & less controlled at first. ;-)
I admit that I just did exactly what I hate with my stupid generalized, prejudiced criticism of the SE US. It was immature & unwise, at best, for me to essentially make a snide & offensive comment, without any explanation or much needed disclaimers. It was not your writing or reader comments that elicited that stupidity from me, but rather my own personal issues. You see, I'm a southerner. I am the offspring of a Southern Baptist pastor in B'ham, AL, originally from Greenville, AL, & a mom from Atlanta, GA. Although I was an MK in Venezuela & Curacao from age 9-18, I lived in B'ham, AL before & after, until 2003 when I fled to NC. I'm talking about my own people when I hastily & unfairly generalize southern Christians in a negative light. Since I've lived there more than any other place in this world so far, I'm definitely overly critical & harbor a prejudice (as you correctly point out) that the average gender role view there is wrong. Basically, I'd love to strike that reaction on my part from the official record, if I may.
No, I haven't checked out Sweden yet (nice call though; now I want to). I'm only as far as the world's #2 economy, Japan, for now. You are actually quite right that one thing living in other parts of the world teaches & makes extraordinarily clear is how much mankind is alike, in its vulnerability to the temptation to prejudge & selfishly promote one's own group (whether a race, religion, gender or nation) over another. As much as I refuse to stop being harsh on my own southern blood, I know in my head that our problems are essentially those of the entire human species everywhere.
Helen, hate to break it to you, but at some point, your husband has gotten the best of you. He's human.
Don't forget the Christian jerk types, you know, the ones that stamp God's name on what they're doing. I can only think of two off the top of my head, although there are many more.
1. The Spiritual Leader - males raised in the church are aware that the male role in the Christian marriage is to lead the family, so they try to give their Jesus input on the girl's situation as much as they can. And they'll do their best to make sure she comes back to them for more input.
2. The "we're just friends/our friendship is about Jesus" guy - I AM guy number 1, but I KNOW guy number 2. He keeps telling his (allegedly not) girlfriend that they're just friends and it's all about Jesus. That's clearly why the single young man spends all his time at the attractive single young lady's house. Well, if that's the case, why is he never at MY house? I love Jesus, too! Granted, I'm not as cute as her, but I think I have some nice hair, at least!
Yeah, there are more, but that's all I could think of. Maybe a nice addendum to your post? :-) Granted, these aren't the guys who want to get into her pants, but they are the ones who want her heart in their hands. They'll get smacked if they try it with MY daughter...
Steven your thoughts are along the lines of mine...the christian guy. I have often jokingly thought of writing a book about the lines that christian boys give, they are a lot harder to see through. Several friends have fallen for the tricks and I have too (boy is that annoying to admit). They justify their actions with the standard "God is leading me to do this" when actually, they are leading themselves to do this. Unfortunately, you don't realize that God is nowhere in the picture until a week later when that guy who said that "God was calling him to singleness" is dating the cute new girl at Crusade.
My favorite though is the scenario, where the guy realizes he has finally reached the "nice girl" limit and then bales. It looks something like this. The couple has dated for anywhere from 1 month to 6 months. Every time they are alone together they go a little farther. Now most of the time they won't go "all the way" but I imagine some do. Either way when the limit is reached (and it is unique to every girl), the relationship is dead. I give it a day to a week before the girl gets the following statement. "The Lord has just really put it on my heart that our relationship is not Godly. We have been too physical and that's not honoring to Him. I really think we need to take a break and see where He leads us." It inevitably leads him to a new target and her to wanting to date non-christians since they at least give one of the lines outlined in "He's Just Not Into You" and doesn't blame the Almighty.
Now for me, I fell for the whole, "I know its early but I really see us married" which I agree can be given by non-christians alike, but is stronger coming from a supposedly Godly man. That idea that the person saying this really holds marriage up as a "God given vocation and not something to be taken lightly" leads you into letting down your physical guard (since your brain is otherwise occupied picking out flowers and wedding marches) until you reach your limit and they decide that they might not be on the right path after all.
I know there have to be so many more. Anyway I enjoyed your list and wanted to add mine too. Now I don't have to write my little funny book after all, you can just add my info to yours. Peace+
"The best way to arm your daughters against creepy guys is to be a living example of the type of man you thinks she deserves."
YES YES and triple YES!
Be the Christian Atticus Finch to her Scout and your daughter will never settle for a jerk
When I was in college and boyfriend tried the reverse on me... I ended up piercing my bellybutton and getting a tattoo... to prove that I too could be "wild". Needless to say, my dad wasn't happy!! It's funny to look back on it now, but I still have to look at that dang tattoo!
oh number two... oh my gosh. lol.
I have managed never to fall for it, but GUYS USE THIS ALL THE TIME. Maybe it's just cause I AM puritanical. hehe. wait. scratch the hehe, I am. I havn't kissed a guy yet and not for lack of offers either. oh yeah, and I seem to fall for the two extremes: the really, really, conservative guys or the way out there stupid ones. at least the conservative guys are pretty safe. At least in my estimation, not so much my dads. I'm like, "if they don't plan on kissing until they get married, I'd say I'm pretty safe being with them. Oh yeah, and they're 17 and their parents don't let them date yet, and they don't care."
Dad still has this thing about all guys being dangerous. speaking as the naive christian girl, I have *no* idea what he's talking about...
Post a Comment